runaway Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Hi, I seem to be unable to land third dates with girls unless I hook up with them on the first or second date. I have gone on numerous second dates only to never see the girls again. And I am really starting to get frustrated. I met this very attractive (from what I've seen thus far) girl about a week ago. We started chatting on Tinder perhaps three or four days prior to that. I thought the first date was pretty good. We made out a little, and the way she would look at me kinda suggested "I want you." We set up the second date after both of us got home. We texted each other briefly everyday until our second date. I think the second date went okay as well, but she stopped responding to my texts afterward. I am puzzled to be honest. Perhaps she went on second date to give me a "second chance?" "What could have possibly gone wrong?" I keep wondering. I have failed to land third dates numerous times, and I can't really pinpoint what I do wrong! I really want to ask the girl what turned her off. I don't take rejections too seriously, but I really feel that I need to learn from my mistakes and failures. I really wanna ask her how she felt about me. Would this be inappropriate to ask something like this?: "Hey ____, how's it going? It seems that you no longer wants to see me. That's fine with me. It happens. However, would you mind telling me what turned you off? Did I say anything offensive at any point? I always want to learn from failures/rejections/mistakes. It would be great if you could be honest with me (the more brutally honest the better). Anyhow, I wish you the best of luck! :)" What do you think?
HappyLove Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I'll save you the time and hassle and solve your mystery right now! TINDER! What the heck do you expect from a hookup site?! This site is known for hookups and not for people who want an actual relationship. Hell even dating sites people aren't looking for a actual relationship! You'd sooner win the powerball lotto than finding a genuine relationship on Tinder. 2
PegNosePete Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I had the same thoughts at first, that it would be nice to have feedback about what went wrong. But eventually I learned, you simply can't please all of the people all of the time, you just have to be yourself until you find someone who likes you. In fact knowing what turned one person off may have absolutely nothing to do with the next. For example maybe you said a swear word and she decided she didn't want to see you again, so you decide to watch your language very carefully next time... and the next girl might be put off by the fact that you speak so formally. So... really... no, not worth asking for feedback. Just move on... Hell even dating sites people aren't looking for a actual relationship! As usual HappyLove, your information is entirely inaccurate and without any statistical basis. Why do you keep spreading this misinformation? In fact 17% of all marriages in the US last year came from online dating sites. Source: Online Dating Statistics | Statistic Brain 2
Gaeta Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 They just did not connect with you that's all, you did nothing wrong. I went on plenty of dates with what appeared good candidates, I accepted a second date because I was not sure of my attraction toward them, the second date confirmed they were not what I was looking for. They had done nothing wrong, I just didn't feel it with them. 1
longjohn Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Hell even dating sites people aren't looking for a actual relationship! That comment is wrong. You can't broad bush everyone and everything like that. It's just not an intelligent thing to do. I've used "dating sites" and I have an actual relationship with someone I met on a dating website. A relationship I expect will be long term.
Diezel Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I'm afraid you went on a Tinder date as Mr Nice Guy. Don't text that. She's not going to give you a straight answer anyway.
d0nnivain Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 As a woman if a guy asked me that unless there was something very specific that wouldn't be mean of me to say & that he couldn't (or wouldn't) change, I'd probably say something clichéd like it's not you it's me, thinking all the while it has something to do with the fact that you thought it was OK to ask something like this in the 1st place. I would never tell somebody it's your weight, hair, personality, sense of humor . . . whatever. That's too mean. Just because my preference might be for something else, that doesn't mean the person should change, especially not for me. I think it would be cruel to say I'm just not sexually attracted to you, which of course is usually the reason. It's very difficult to articulate why; chemistry is hard to define. If it was something like I don't want an LDR or I can't date a Democrat, maybe I'd share but it's rarely that. After 2 dates I did tell one guy I couldn't see him anymore because he was still hung up on his EX. We had spent the whole 2nd date talking about their failed relationship. I felt useful giving him insight but it ruined any potential dating attraction for me. 1
bu2002 Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 She wasn't sexually attracted to you. What are the nature of your texts? If they're the "What's up" type, stop ASAP. That stuff sucks and girls get bored. You have to inject some personality into your texts. Make her laugh, tease her, rile her up, create anticipation, make her nostalgic about something in her past.....in other words spark an emotion.
Elle1975 Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Funny you say that. Someone on the break up forum posted that they were grateful their ex was honest enough to send them an email as for why the break up had really occurred. I think that if you ask, as long as it's not mean in nature, an answer could be helpful. Keep in mind though that someone might not like your humor for instance, and 10 other girls would. The reason has to be taken with a grain of salt, really.
ponchsox Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Who cares what they think if the rejected you? Move on. Never change who you are for anyone.
isisisweeping Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 I would answer honestly if I got a good impression that they were stable and not likely to berate me but there very well might not be anything that beneficial at that point.
Standard-Fare Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 That question would seem desperate and needy to me, and it would confirm I made the right decision. And I wouldn't respond. Just answering you honestly. I say leave it alone. She's probably just "not feeling it" on some fundamental chemical level. She doesn't know you well enough to analyze your character. 2
ponchsox Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 What's the next question, "please, can I do whatever you want to change your mind?" How about keeping some self dignity? If you really want to know how you can improve yourself, ask a good friend.
JungleLover Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 That question would seem desperate and needy to me, and it would confirm I made the right decision. And I wouldn't respond. Just answering you honestly. I say leave it alone. She's probably just "not feeling it" on some fundamental chemical level. She doesn't know you well enough to analyze your character. I completely agree with this. There are certain things you can do while dating that just contributes to snowballing insecurity. Asking someone what turned them off is one of them. What turns one person off may not turn the next off. There is a lot to gain from reading this forum. You will read trends here. Learn from those trends and you should not have to ask a woman those sort of things. 1
ponchsox Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 I completely agree with this. There are certain things you can do while dating that just contributes to snowballing insecurity. Asking someone what turned them off is one of them. What turns one person off may not turn the next off. There is a lot to gain from reading this forum. You will read trends here. Learn from those trends and you should not have to ask a woman those sort of things. Agreed. This likely stems from low self esteem and self confidence. You have to confident, not cocky, and act like you sort of don't care. Don't be a dick, but don't make a chick think you can't live without them.
GravityMan Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 My advice to guys that are turned down is to NOT ASK the woman why she declined. I agree with others that asking her is a good sign that the guy may be lacking in self-worth. Just let it go in a polite, friendly manner and move on. That is best for both you and her. There is a very good chance that she will either not respond at all, or not give you a direct answer, and understandably so. She may give a response (which may or may not be truthful) worded in a way that usually satisfies the guy without disclosing the real reason. The idea here is to bring a quick and peaceful end to the conversation without giving the guy any sort of foothold...these conversations can sometimes get awkward (or worse) if they linger on too long. In many cases, you're still a stranger in her eyes and she doesn't know nor want to know how you'll react if she was honest with you. She just wants to play it safe. Some guys will emotionally overreact big time when they learn why they were rejected and she may have experienced that in the past and learned from it. Even if she does tell the guy the actual reason(s), are those reasons actually going to be useful to the guy in his future endeavors with women? Maybe...maybe not. Different people like different things and are turned off by different things. Woman #1 turned the guy down because he's "B", is too "C" and is lacking in "D". A week later, woman #2 declines the same guy because he's not "B", doesn't have "C" and is full of "D". Pretty much the polar opposite. It is better for the guy to just not worry about the "why" and just be himself. Now if he's getting turned down almost universally by a lot of women, then yeah something may be wrong with him and he needs to look in the mirror. That is where a good male or female friend with decent dating experience can be helpful...they may be willing to be honest with him on what his issue(s) are, and provide suggestions to possibly resolve, alleviate or work around those issues. And then there's the possibility that she simply wasn't feeling any attraction or chemistry. She didn't find anything wrong with the guy or his approach. Nothing wrong with her, either. The connection simply wasn't there. I'd say this is a VERY common occurrence. Attraction is unpredictable to an extent. No matter who you are, you're not going to be everyone's cup of tea...not even close. That is something people need to learn and accept early in life. This is a big reason why it's important to not take things personally and take things in stride. 1
ascendotum Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 I completely agree with this. There are certain things you can do while dating that just contributes to snowballing insecurity. Asking someone what turned them off is one of them. What turns one person off may not turn the next off. Getting actual honest/constructive feedback from a woman, really would be a boon for some guys. From his perspective as you say you have already been turned off him, so its of zero consequence that you judge him any more for asking. Whats he got to lose. You're some women he met for a couple of hours on the other side of town who will likely never see again anyway, so if he can get feedback on what/where he did wrong then he would be able to work on that. Likewise what have you got to lose, clueing him up? If the woman went out with him 3 times then she obviously as some level of repoire with him, and he's not a total knob. I agaree with the gist of ponchsox, but I still think if a guy is consistently bombing on date 3 there is a problem, and its good to get firsthand feedback. Sometimes friends are not the most honest (but generally men's friends are), or they have no idea how you behave on a date. The ones more accomplished with women should be able to pick apart the faults though. (chances are its not strong enough escalation for a tinder date) I also agree with diezel that there is a very good chance they wont give him a straight answer and if they do it will likely just be something like 'the chemistry just wasn't there' type answer. 1
daisydook Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 "Hey ____, how's it going? It seems that you no longer wants to see me. That's fine with me. It happens. However, would you mind telling me what turned you off? Did I say anything offensive at any point? I always want to learn from failures/rejections/mistakes. It would be great if you could be honest with me (the more brutally honest the better). Anyhow, I wish you the best of luck! :)" What do you think? The problem is, with OLD and things like Tinder, it makes it hard to figure out just who you are dating. I mean, even now, I am still trying to figure out the man I am dating! I found myself here about 7 months ago when we first met, because I was overwhelmed by a lot of emotions, about things I should not have been feeling. I felt guilt over dating again, even though I had been single an entire year. I also met a man who came on very strong, and I was not sure how to deal with his feelings. Also, I felt very strongly, and had not met anyone like him in my life, who I clicked with and just fit with in that way. I actually didnt know I was missing anything until I met him. It sounds whacky, but I do worry I wont find a man who I will click with instantly like this again. Lol. It does open me up to the possibility of there being more than him though, if that makes sense. The problem is, a lot of women are not ready to even be dating on these sites. Its sad. I just wonder how many guys out there really think it is you who is the problem, when in reality it is just ****ty women who need an ego boost. I know when I started talking to men on the net about seriously looking for a relationship, I had MANY men knocking on my door. I found someone I personally liked a lot and I was very serious. I think I felt ok moving on and caring for someone else, and not actually picturing or even thinking about my ex when I was with them. With other men, all I did was think about my ex, and how they didnt do x, y, and z correctly. I met the guy I have been seeing now, and he was the first guy who really made me feel differently. Seriously, you sound like a wicked awesome guy. Please dont change.
ponchsox Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Getting actual honest/constructive feedback from a woman, really would be a boon for some guys. From his perspective as you say you have already been turned off him, so its of zero consequence that you judge him any more for asking. Whats he got to lose. You're some women he met for a couple of hours on the other side of town who will likely never see again anyway, so if he can get feedback on what/where he did wrong then he would be able to work on that. Likewise what have you got to lose, clueing him up? If the woman went out with him 3 times then she obviously as some level of repoire with him, and he's not a total knob. I agaree with the gist of ponchsox, but I still think if a guy is consistently bombing on date 3 there is a problem, and its good to get firsthand feedback. Sometimes friends are not the most honest (but generally men's friends are), or they have no idea how you behave on a date. The ones more accomplished with women should be able to pick apart the faults though. (chances are its not strong enough escalation for a tinder date) I also agree with diezel that there is a very good chance they wont give him a straight answer and if they do it will likely just be something like 'the chemistry just wasn't there' type answer. I don't think it's a woman's responsibility to explain in detail why she wasn't interested and like a previous poster said, telling them no is already hard enough. Unless she a narcissistic ego maniac.
JungleLover Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 I don't think it's a woman's responsibility to explain in detail why she wasn't interested and like a previous poster said, telling them no is already hard enough. Unless she a narcissistic ego maniac. Agree and if a woman I rejected was to ask me this, I would feel uncomfortable and unwilling to answer it. Frankly, I would prefer if she would just go away. Now, I have to deal with your insecurity when I am trying not to deal with you? If you are bombing on all of your 2nd dates, you are likely in a rut. We all go through a rut. The fact that you are getting second dates is not a bad sign. Over time, you will iron things out. Keep following the threads on this forum. The same topics come up over and over again for a reason.
guest569 Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Definitely take out the 'brutal' part, some people are brutally honest and you don't want to hear that stuff. I doubt you are doing anything wrong, you're just meeting the wrong people. Like Jungle said you are getting 2nd dates. So you mustn't be that bad if they wanted to see you again Also, I agree from what I have heard of Tinder that it is mostly a 'hookup' type of site rather than people seeking relationships. Not entirely sure though. But you did say you are hooking up with them in the 1st or 2nd date, perhaps they got all they needed.
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