Author purplesorrow Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 You don't have to hate her...just do not care about her. Saying that she confirmed NC with your H is BS. She is a liar, and conspired with your H to hurt you in the past. If ever he went after her again I trust that our higher power would bring it to light and you would recognize the signs. Not caring means ignoring the call, hanging up and not letting her hear you speak. Let her stew in the juices she's created for herself. You two are too busy working on putting back the pieces of your broken M. Again none of her business. I didn't wonder why I didn't hate her. Hate would do no good. I just wondered why they both did what they did. I see my WH barely able to look in the mirror because of his shame. Sadly, he had to hit this rock bottom before he took a real look at himself. She was so embarrassed that I knew and afraid I would out her. I couldn't do that, she had a kid old enough to understand. Who am I to give him a different view of his mom? It is so far from how I try to live and treat others, it truly felt evil on both of their parts. I was angry and turning into someone I didn't like, so I've worked on me a lot. 4
HermioneG Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I have so much respect for you with this short post. The fact that you were able and secure enough to not try to control your husband after the fact speaks volumes about your character and security and maturity. I wish everyone handled these issues like this, if they did, you would probably see a lot less resentment and a whole lot more WSs acting like your husband and making their own decisions which the BS doesn't then have to second guess for the rest of their life. I think you did exactly the right thing. I think it's very odd the OW asked you permission, is she pregnant or something? Had a kid by your husband and needs contact? It just seems weird to me that she would go through you at all considering. I think you handled it beautifully and perfectly - by placing the decisions about her on your husband, exactly where they need to be - it IS his decision. I am glad that he made the decision to not have contact with her and to work on himself and you - but I think that probably has a LOT to do with the type of person you are and that you didn't act out of character and act immaturely or unhinged. There is so much to be said for that. Many props and much respect. I am appreciative of the fact that you endorse what Purple did, but again, as she showed with her original post, there is no need to make digs at betrayeds and imply that they are controlling. I think most waywards when they are truly done with the relationship make their own decisions on contact. It isn't a function of a police state by the betrayed. After all, if the betrayed was able to "control" the wayward, we'd never have waywards, would we? Purple sorrow behaved in an exemplary fashion. She was kind. Hopefully the OW can have peace, and as the opening post showed a clear example of- the only person you actually control in your life- is yourself. To assume otherwise is a fool's errand- by betrayeds, waywards, and affair partners. 5
Spark1111 Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 I think she used all of her known avenues to him but he had blocked everything. I do think she felt I was controlling all of that the reason she reached out to me. No kid or anything like that. Their emails she expressed a lot of love for him, maybe she really did love him? She just sounds lost, he said she would never tell anyone. So if she has been battling this mess alone, that explains a lot. I applaud you. You remind me of me. The fOW in my sitch also believed I kept him on a very short leash. I get it. It is easier to believe that. Meanwhile I had given him carte blanche to be with his soul mate and promised to divorce amicably if he believed she would make him happy. He never told her that though. He blocked her and told her he could no longer receive her phone calls. I NEVER told him to go NC....or anything. I was proceeding with my future....a future without him. I am always AMAZED at how we BSs, who had NO control of the deception, the lies, the secret sex, the profound betrayal, are suddenly thought to keep them chained in a basement with no means to contact after DDay. Yes, it is sad. 6
AmyBamy Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 I am appreciative of the fact that you endorse what Purple did, but again, as she showed with her original post, there is no need to make digs at betrayeds and imply that they are controlling. I think most waywards when they are truly done with the relationship make their own decisions on contact. It isn't a function of a police state by the betrayed. After all, if the betrayed was able to "control" the wayward, we'd never have waywards, would we? Purple sorrow behaved in an exemplary fashion. She was kind. Hopefully the OW can have peace, and as the opening post showed a clear example of- the only person you actually control in your life- is yourself. To assume otherwise is a fool's errand- by betrayeds, waywards, and affair partners. How in the world did you get "digs" out of that post? I was complimenting her on her security and maturity and ability to handle adversity without letting it get the best of her. And for not acting out of character and then blaming it on circumstances or said adversity. There are many BSs who DO try to control their WS after discovery - are you denying that? I'm not saying it's not understandable to an extent, but agree, nobody can control others - except, others decisions can be influenced by threats and manipulation. I don't find that healthy or conducive to reconciling, and reading here proves to me that people do second guess their WSs motives when they try to influence their decisions too much. I think that the fact that you found fault in a post that was nothing but complimentary is interesting, but I'm not going to take it to heart. It seems that you may be looking for digs where there are absolutely none.
AmyBamy Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 I think she used all of her known avenues to him but he had blocked everything. I do think she felt I was controlling all of that the reason she reached out to me. No kid or anything like that. Their emails she expressed a lot of love for him, maybe she really did love him? She just sounds lost, he said she would never tell anyone. So if she has been battling this mess alone, that explains a lot. I agree and think that the fact that your WS is the one refusing contact is far more powerful than you trying to demand no contact. I don't doubt that she loved him, but for him, he has to do what is right for him. If that is not having any further contact with him, then so be it. I was a BW once and had I tried to force my exH to do anything, I just always think that I would have always wondered what he would have done left to his own resources without my influences. That is something that I often think about and think would have been hard to live with. BEcause of your ability to handle this, that is something that you will never have to question bc your WH is doing exactly as he chooses without your influence. I think that is amazingly healthy and provides a much more truthful atmosphere than attempting to control an outcome with ultimatums and threats and such. Applauding you still and your empathy is admirable.
HermioneG Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 How in the world did you get "digs" out of that post? I was complimenting her on her security and maturity and ability to handle adversity without letting it get the best of her. And for not acting out of character and then blaming it on circumstances or said adversity. There are many BSs who DO try to control their WS after discovery - are you denying that? I'm not saying it's not understandable to an extent, but agree, nobody can control others - except, others decisions can be influenced by threats and manipulation. I don't find that healthy or conducive to reconciling, and reading here proves to me that people do second guess their WSs motives when they try to influence their decisions too much. I think that the fact that you found fault in a post that was nothing but complimentary is interesting, but I'm not going to take it to heart. It seems that you may be looking for digs where there are absolutely none. I promise you I am not looking for digs, and you just repeated the faulty premise again in this post ( and the follow up to purple again- so twice). LOL!!! You repeated the premise of betrayeds controlling. Which is exactly what I said originally. But I don't want to derail this thread further, so I'll just let this stand as it is. People can make their own judgment. 2
Author purplesorrow Posted July 16, 2014 Author Posted July 16, 2014 I agree and think that the fact that your WS is the one refusing contact is far more powerful than you trying to demand no contact. I don't doubt that she loved him, but for him, he has to do what is right for him. If that is not having any further contact with him, then so be it. I was a BW once and had I tried to force my exH to do anything, I just always think that I would have always wondered what he would have done left to his own resources without my influences. That is something that I often think about and think would have been hard to live with. BEcause of your ability to handle this, that is something that you will never have to question bc your WH is doing exactly as he chooses without your influence. I think that is amazingly healthy and provides a much more truthful atmosphere than attempting to control an outcome with ultimatums and threats and such. Applauding you still and your empathy is admirable. Thank you. It took a lot of time and hard work to get to this point. I knew on dday my husband had become someone I wouldn't even date, much less be married to. Nor was I about to stand in the I'm an option line. I couldn't heal with him around so that's why I had him move out. I think the separation was beneficial for us both. I can appreciate who has become. We have a first date this weekend, I have no idea what to expect but I do look forward to at least rebuilding a true friendship. 1
HermioneG Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Thank you. It took a lot of time and hard work to get to this point. I knew on dday my husband had become someone I wouldn't even date, much less be married to. Nor was I about to stand in the I'm an option line. I couldn't heal with him around so that's why I had him move out. I think the separation was beneficial for us both. I can appreciate who has become. We have a first date this weekend, I have no idea what to expect but I do look forward to at least rebuilding a true friendship. We also had a separation, for the same reasons. I still maintain the reason we were able to reconcile was because of the separation. I wish you the best of luck, and the best outcome for you, whatever that may be!
AmyBamy Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 I promise you I am not looking for digs, and you just repeated the faulty premise again in this post ( and the follow up to purple again- so twice). LOL!!! You repeated the premise of betrayeds controlling. Which is exactly what I said originally. But I don't want to derail this thread further, so I'll just let this stand as it is. People can make their own judgment. Just because you don't agree with my take on things doesn't make it a faulty premise, or a dig. Anyway, you're right, no reason to derail the thread. OP obviously took no offense to my comments and admiration and it is her thread.
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