OW asked for permission

[purplesorrow]

To speak to my husband. She called me at work. I told her his not speaking to her was of his own doing as he is an adult. She said she was blocked from everything even his work line. They mostly used his work number and Facebook. I really had assumed he probably did talk to her after dday, she said no. I was glad to hear that he had taken these steps to truly work on himself. As for her, I told her he was doing what was best for him. I hope she is able to move forward. I do think she felt he was on some kind of leash. I didn't tell her but we haven't lived together in over a year so he could have easily talked to and seen her had he chosen to. What would you have done?

Edited July 15, 2014 by purplesorrow

[Oberfeldwebel]

You are a much nicer person than I am. All I can say is it takes a whole lot of nerve for someone to make that call, some nerve.

[purplesorrow]

You are a much nicer person than I am. All I can say is it takes a whole lot of nerve for someone to make that call, some nerve.

 

I think she is just hurting, we all are. I do hope we all find healing and move forward.

[jnel921]

I would have never entertained the conversation. Why? Why share what is now going on in your life...it's none of her business. After all did she ask permission to sleep with your H???

 

Talking to her then discussing her requests with your WH makes her relevant and will only spark negative feelings, doubt and wasted energy into your M. If your are truly working on R your M, then focus on that.

 

She should be history.

[purplesorrow]

I would have never entertained the conversation. Why? Why share what is now going on in your life...it's none of her business. After all did she ask permission to sleep with your H???

 

Talking to her then discussing her requests with your WH makes her relevant and will only spark negative feelings, doubt and wasted energy into your M. If your are truly working on R your M, then focus on that.

 

She should be history.

 

I didn't share anything about my life with her. I didn't feel any of that, was glad to get confirmation that there had been no contact. She isn't relevant to my relationship but she is a hurting woman, I do have empathy. There's nothing I can do to help her but I understand.

[harrybrown]

You are a nice person.

 

Many would not have any good feelings towards the OW or OM.

 

I hope she does not contact you again.

 

Hope good things happen now in your life.

[No Limit]

Respect. I would have hung up before she could even voice a proper "Hello".

[HermioneG]

You handled this beautifully. Good job, you.

 

At the end of the day, I hope that this incident goes into the pile of general knowledge about affairs. Sometimes we hear claims that a betrayed is "controlling" the wayward or keeping them from the affair partner. This is a good illustration of how we just do not control other people. And that is important.

[jwi71]

To speak to my husband. She called me at work. I told her his not speaking to her was of his own doing as he is an adult. She said she was blocked from everything even his work line. They mostly used his work number and Facebook. I really had assumed he probably did talk to her after dday, she said no. I was glad to hear that he had taken these steps to truly work on himself. As for her, I told her he was doing what was best for him. I hope she is able to move forward. I do think she felt he was on some kind of leash. I didn't tell her but we haven't lived together in over a year so he could have easily talked to and seen her had he chosen to. What would you have done?

 

I think you handle it with respect and grace.

 

And yes, she must be in a very bad place to have called. No human deserves that.

 

And, for me, if one can alleviate such suffering, one should.

[oldshirt]

What would you have done?

 

I would've told her in very clear legal term that I do not consent to any future contact from her and if she did attempt further contact harassment charges would be filed and she would be served with a restraining order.

 

......then I'd tell her to fck herself before hanging up the phone.

[Bryanp]

I think that this shows that you are a truly compassionate woman

and a really class act.

[painfullyobvious]

When she could not connect with her OM you were the next best thing. This was probably a vicarious way she could be with him. This is a bit disturbing to me honestly. She may be hurting but she has some issues as well. Never feed her so much as a polite goif bye if she calls again

[excusememister]

She asked for permission to speak to your husband?

 

Did she ask for permission to sleep with him?

 

She has A LOT of nerve. She is bold beyond words. I think she showed you no respect when she slept with your husband and I think she continues to disrespect you by calling you and audaciously asking to speak to your husband.

 

What would I have done?? Re-read the post by Oldshirt

[purplesorrow]

It took a very long time to get to a point of indifference. I never hated her but I did wonder why.

[imfine]

I'm sorry you had to speak with her, but it could have been a legit call. If she's stayed away for this long & has no details of his life, it sounds like she has kept no contact. She could have been calling to notify him that she has an STD.

[changchewsoon]

You really deserve my respect for handling this in such grace and class, and she has a lot of nerve calling.

[purplesorrow]

I'm sorry you had to speak with her, but it could have been a legit call. If she's stayed away for this long & has no details of his life, it sounds like she has kept no contact. She could have been calling to notify him that she has an STD.

 

We've both been tested every six months since dday so that wasn't a concern. I think she is just looking for closure.

[whichwayisup]

You are a nice person.

 

Many would not have any good feelings towards the OW or OM.

 

I hope she does not contact you again.

 

Hope good things happen now in your life.

 

I agree. And forgiveness goes a long way, even if you don't tell the person (exOW) at least you can sleep peacefully at night and not have any anger, resentment or negative feelings plaguing on and on.

[notserene]

She asked for permission to speak to your husband?

 

Did she ask for permission to sleep with him?

 

She has A LOT of nerve. She is bold beyond words. I think she showed you no respect when she slept with your husband and I think she continues to disrespect you by calling you and audaciously asking to speak to your husband.

 

What would I have done?? Re-read the post by Oldshirt

 

I probably would have done the same thing.

 

Purplesorrow, my hat is off to you for being so gracious. I hope that your husband appreciates what he has.

[purplesorrow]

I probably would have done the same thing.

 

Purplesorrow, my hat is off to you for being so gracious. I hope that your husband appreciates what he has.

 

I totally get this! Just not my nature. Up until dday the worse word in my vocab was fiddlesticks haha. I've had a lot of practice with swear words since . In getting back to 'me' it's business as usual, try to do no harm.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Well done Purplesorrow! And I especially applaud your ability to see that she was most likely in pain. I do feel like healing comes when we get to the point we can see the other person's pain as well and you are there.

 

 

Thank you for sharing that.

[HereNorThere]

Wow, you truly are a class act. Her doing this is like robbing a bank and returning after you get of jail and asking the same bank for a loan, lol. I'm am simply amazed that someone could be that socially inept. While I think it's awesome that you have the capacity to empathize with her, it really does show that the OW has a level of narcissism beyond your wildest dreams. Seriously, who calls the betrayed wife of their ex-married lover and ask to speak with him... un-be-freaking-lievable!!!!

 

You seem like you would be an amazing wife and mother. I hope one day you find someone who realizes how truly special you are!

[AmyBamy]

To speak to my husband. She called me at work. I told her his not speaking to her was of his own doing as he is an adult. She said she was blocked from everything even his work line. They mostly used his work number and Facebook. I really had assumed he probably did talk to her after dday, she said no. I was glad to hear that he had taken these steps to truly work on himself. As for her, I told her he was doing what was best for him. I hope she is able to move forward. I do think she felt he was on some kind of leash. I didn't tell her but we haven't lived together in over a year so he could have easily talked to and seen her had he chosen to. What would you have done?

 

I have so much respect for you with this short post. The fact that you were able and secure enough to not try to control your husband after the fact speaks volumes about your character and security and maturity. I wish everyone handled these issues like this, if they did, you would probably see a lot less resentment and a whole lot more WSs acting like your husband and making their own decisions which the BS doesn't then have to second guess for the rest of their life.

 

I think you did exactly the right thing. I think it's very odd the OW asked you permission, is she pregnant or something? Had a kid by your husband and needs contact? It just seems weird to me that she would go through you at all considering. I think you handled it beautifully and perfectly - by placing the decisions about her on your husband, exactly where they need to be - it IS his decision. I am glad that he made the decision to not have contact with her and to work on himself and you - but I think that probably has a LOT to do with the type of person you are and that you didn't act out of character and act immaturely or unhinged. There is so much to be said for that. Many props and much respect.

[jnel921]

It took a very long time to get to a point of indifference. I never hated her but I did wonder why.

 

 

You don't have to hate her...just do not care about her. Saying that she confirmed NC with your H is BS. She is a liar, and conspired with your H to hurt you in the past. If ever he went after her again I trust that our higher power would bring it to light and you would recognize the signs.

 

Not caring means ignoring the call, hanging up and not letting her hear you speak.

 

Let her stew in the juices she's created for herself. You two are too busy working on putting back the pieces of your broken M. Again none of her business.

[purplesorrow]

I have so much respect for you with this short post. The fact that you were able and secure enough to not try to control your husband after the fact speaks volumes about your character and security and maturity. I wish everyone handled these issues like this, if they did, you would probably see a lot less resentment and a whole lot more WSs acting like your husband and making their own decisions which the BS doesn't then have to second guess for the rest of their life.

 

I think you did exactly the right thing. I think it's very odd the OW asked you permission, is she pregnant or something? Had a kid by your husband and needs contact? It just seems weird to me that she would go through you at all considering. I think you handled it beautifully and perfectly - by placing the decisions about her on your husband, exactly where they need to be - it IS his decision. I am glad that he made the decision to not have contact with her and to work on himself and you - but I think that probably has a LOT to do with the type of person you are and that you didn't act out of character and act immaturely or unhinged. There is so much to be said for that. Many props and much respect.

 

I think she used all of her known avenues to him but he had blocked everything. I do think she felt I was controlling all of that the reason she reached out to me. No kid or anything like that. Their emails she expressed a lot of love for him, maybe she really did love him? She just sounds lost, he said she would never tell anyone. So if she has been battling this mess alone, that explains a lot.