Augman Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 (edited) Hi everyone, I have had great experiences with these forums and I always seem to get amazing input that usually solve my issues. This time around I have a 2-part topic about the same girl that I am very interested in. - I will try to keep this shorter as to not destroy your retinas. The facts/back-story: - This girl and I have been loose friends for years. dating all the way back to middle school in fact. Technically we had a puppy love thing going on back in the good old days of middle school (lol) and it kind of extended into high school years a bit, but nothing major came of it. We were both shy and treated each-other more as friends... - Within the last month or so I decided I wanted to catch-up with this girl, being We were very close back when and we talked loosely for years. I wanted to see how things were going since exactly a year ago she was having rough times (admitted to a mental hospital and over-all was in a very bad rut with life itself, which by the way, I did sort of help her through best I could at the time.) - To MY knowledge she was still dating a guy from back in high school (I believe they were together for 3 years or so, so it was quite major.) It just so happens that they broke up only a few weeks or so prior to me starting to get back in contact with this girl. Keep in mind I had no intentions of getting with her, simply checking up and getting to know her again as a friend. - Note: Many of my dating experiences have been rather crazy due to the girl often turning out... well... crazy. Some people with a lot of experience on this forum helped me realize this is probably due to me being a co-dependent type and I am subconsciously choosing crazy woman in hopes of "fixing" them so they are obligated to be with me... again, all subconsciously. For this reason I have been purposely avoiding ANY woman showing signs of any mental illness, therefore I knew this girl would be a perfect person just to catch up with (for what I knew she was kind of unstable last time I knew, and I knew I wouldn't want to be with her) -Well guess what happened. We got to talking... and she REALLY impressed me. She got motivated to get over her issues after her incidents a year ago, she spent time figuring out what was wrong and fixed them. She now seems to have a decent head on her shoulders. On top of that she seems to have an amazing memory (I too have a great long term memory, so when she started cracking jokes we made back in MIDDLE SCHOOL I was unbelievably impressed that she could remember nearly every moment we spent together back then). On top of all that she is actually a person I can have a decent conversation with, without feeling like i'm dumbing myself down for her. I don't mean to sound rude at all, I'm really not! But it seems more woman I get to know seem like they have no depth to them... like I cannot have an intellectual conversation with them without getting bored or feeling like I have to "bring it down a couple notches" for them... How I got where I am now/Build up: - After I was incredibly impressed by her, I instantly realized I was falling for her. After a few weeks of casually hanging out it had finally hit me I wanted to date this girl. I'm not very good with words on the spot, so about a week ago while we were hanging out in the woods walking around, I turned her around, pushed her hair out of the way and kissed her. I made sure it was a passionate "I want you" type kiss. She was shocked, but quickly got wrapped up the kiss herself. We said nothing about the kiss immediately but soon after she asked why I kissed her. I fessed up and said I was really impressed and wouldn't mind dating her. I told her what I thought of her good qualities and she seemed quite interested in me. - We ended up spending that whole day together simply talking, reminiscing, and catching up with what we've missed out with each-other. We both had a great time. When she said she had to leave soon I finally asked her how she felt about me. She told me she was getting anxious and wasn't comfortable talking about it then... but when she was about to leave, she said if I wanted to know more to follow her to the door. I followed her, said goodbye, and turned around to walk back inside. At the last possible second she grabbed my arm, spun me back around and planted a big kiss of her own on me. She turned around and left without saying a word, leaving me pretty much speechless. I realized she probably wasn't comfortable "saying" how she felt, so she just decided to "show" it. Where I am RIGHT NOW: Later that night she initiated conversation via text. I told her I was a little confused and asked if we were dating...? She replied saying something along the lines of "That's the thing, I'm still trying to get over my ex, and I like where we are right now, its comfortable." She continued saying she knows I don't like flings (earlier while talking I mentioned I hated flings and was looking for a relationship) but that we needed to talk more. It seems odd to me because I have always been under the assumption the meaning of "dating" Is basic, and not very major, in the sense that is just means these two people are relatively interested in each-other romantically, which perfectly describes the two of us from what I see... But she still says we are not dating. The whole "ex" thing I truly understand because it was a VERY long relationship, it ended because they were both miserable mostly, so I assumed it wasn't going to be too hard to get over it, but I guess the length of the relationship made it hurt no matter what, and I get that completely. Every since that day I have been getting pretty frequent good morning / good night texts from her and generally more communication. But we still aren't "dating". What does it mean? and What do I do? I really do not enjoy flings, and I am worried I am being apart of one. I'm confident she knows what I am in this for, and that I'm looking to be with her, not just "talking". but I have an irrational fear of flings, and there low meaning and worth unsettle me. I assume I should just keep communication with her, hangout once a week or so, and eventually bring up dating again. I often call her beautiful and remind her of her good qualities and I've told her multiple times that I like her romantically just to make it clear I am in it for a relationship and not a friendship with a side of fling/kissing. When we DO hangout again however, I'm pretty sure we will be kissing again, which will feel very weird kissing her on occasions without us "dating". So please give some input to this situation. Does it sound like she wants a fling? or do you think she knows clearly by know I want a relationship and even though she is interested in me, she wants to wait before jumping into another relationship of any sort? On another COMPLETELY separate topic BUT about the exact same girl (which Is why I'm including it in this thread.) I have one major issue with her and I have no idea how to address it. Warning: this is very subjective and there's a very good chance you will feel differently on the subject so please just pretend you are in my shoes and tell me what YOU would do... This girl has what I would call a drug addiction. Which probably sounds worse than it is... basically, she smokes marijuana almost on a daily basis. It depends on how the days go, sometimes I believe she doesn't smoke for days but then might smoke a couple days in a row. I'm not positive. She is open about telling me she feels down sometimes (obviously just braking off a 4 year relationship will do that to you...) and last night she started a conversation on snap-chat with me (a service where you send pictures you take on the spot with text overlaying it that can only be viewed for a few seconds) She told me she was feeling a lot better after smoking and it really bothered me to be honest. She told me she feels bad because she knows I am very against it. I told her I was unhappy when she told me she smoked. she said she didn't mean to make me unhappy but that was it... today she initiated another conversation telling me about her day.. I went with it and just kind of made it a point again I was unhappy she was high while she snap-chatted me the night prior. She told me people change, and that she has replaced her craziness (again, she actually use to be quite unstable) with a substance. I am open minded and if smoking has truly helped her situation and her get out of a deep rut then I cannot disagree, but at the same time, now that she is OUT of her rut... wouldn't you think its time to stop... You don't keep taking cold medicine after your cold is gone do you? For this reason I fear she is simply addicted, and asside from it all, I very well doubt she is hanging around the right crowd when she leaves to "smoke". This concerns me both as a friend and as a potential suitor. As far as I know she would never hang out with me while high, or even bring the stuff even close to me, but that doesn't change the fact I know she does it, and It is a seriously big deal to me. MY plan of action was to try to ignore it as best as possible and only mention her quitting if we got serious. As it stands right now we are simply friends "talking" I guess, so obviously I have NO say in her decisions to smoke other than when I simply say I'm unhappy about it. There is no chance of me changing it right now though... Should this be a big enough deal to be a deal-breaker and possibly stop pursuing her? I don't know because I really love EVERYTHING else about this girl. She is so smart and I just don't want her to waste her brain cells up in a cloud of smoke. I probably shouldn't mention it any should I? That would probably just put her off from talking to me and push her away. Instead I should probably stick with her since I like her so much and just approach the situation later if things actually become relatively serious between us? If so at what point should I say something? If she asks about my thoughts on the matter (even though she knows I'm highly against it) I should be honest with her right? Both my questions I would LOVE some input, even though my second topic is very subjective. I do not believe most people are so against smoking as I am. In case it aids in responses at all; I am 18, and she is 17. Both graduated from high-school. Edited July 15, 2014 by Augman
aisuru Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Deal breaker. You are both in very different places in life.
Author Augman Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 Deal breaker. You are both in very different places in life. Thanks for the reply, could you elaborate a little? We are both attending college in the fall with similar aspirations. I think I know what you are trying to say, but as I mentioned this girl and I have talked quite a bit and she seems to be on the same page as I am with most subjects, morals, etc..
Author Augman Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 I didn't read anything past the title (your post is too long) but if a girl says that she isn't really to date then what that really means is that she isn't ready to date you. Thanks for the reply, and you're right i could have made the post much shorter byt its more-so for people that are ok with reading the whole story so i get the best responces possible She tells me she likes me and she kisses me, thats why im confused she wont date mostly. She says we need to talk more..
Recommended Posts