Blade96 Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 he's a weenie for not being honestand telling you "hey I just don't feel that thang sistah" But at least he didn't say anything hurtful and just let you know,without actually saying it. But he let you know. Not a bad guy, could have donebetter, but not a bad guy. I'm glad it was him and not anyone bad Glad you're chatting up other guys. and yep 100% sure, not 99%, that he just didn't feel that spark.
preraph Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 That second text was a mistake. He has your number. I wouldn't contact him again at all and just see if he ever decides to use it.
TigerLilly78 Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 SpiralOut, would you be putting in this much effort if he wasn't "super attractive?" Alot of guys wouldn't ether so that's a two way street I think the OP was just confused by this dudes actions as alot would be. I think some one hit it on the head when they said hes prob been put off on line dating and now has a bad taste in his mouth. Or is trying to recapture something he once lost ether way hes not in the right state of mind to date its kind of surprising how many are not when they start dating..
Author SpiralOut Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 (edited) Glad you said goodbye. He's not in the right head space to be dating at all. This has nothing to do with you, and honestly rather than waiting to see if a guy is into YOU or not, you need to be a chooser too. Figure out if YOU are into HIM. I agree. In the past, I would have chased after him much longer. I've been trying to get better at saying no to guys who don't treat me right. I have an awful habit of putting up with crap. SpiralOut, would you be putting in this much effort if he wasn't "super attractive?" It's hard to say. It's not just his physical attractiveness, but also his lifestyle that attracts me. There aren't very many vegan or vegetarian men around, plus he does yoga regularly. He made several comments that indicated that he had been hurt and was working through a lot of things, which SHOULD be a red flag, but in my case I felt attracted to it. He used yoga to get through things and that's what I've been doing too. He even had an ex-gf who had an emotional disorder. My ex-bf had a mental illness. He is someone who could understand how damaging and difficult it is to get through that. I got the sense that we could understand each other really well. Right now, I have a few supportive friends, but nobody really "gets" some of the stuff that I've dealt with. However, he is obviously still messed up so never mind. I didn't mention any of my own struggles to him because that seems like a bad thing to do on a first date. The fact that he mentioned those things, goes to show he's not ready to be meeting people. Edited July 18, 2014 by SpiralOut 4
somedude81 Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 It's hard to say. It's not just his physical attractiveness, but also his lifestyle that attracts me. There aren't very many vegan or vegetarian men around, plus he does yoga regularly. He made several comments that indicated that he had been hurt and was working through a lot of things, which SHOULD be a red flag, but in my case I felt attracted to it. He used yoga to get through things and that's what I've been doing too. He even had an ex-gf who had an emotional disorder. My ex-bf had a mental illness. He is someone who could understand how damaging and difficult it is to get through that. I got the sense that we could understand each other really well. Right now, I have a few supportive friends, but nobody really "gets" some of the stuff that I've dealt with. However, he is obviously still messed up so never mind. I didn't mention any of my own struggles to him because that seems like a bad thing to do on a first date. The fact that he mentioned those things, goes to show he's not ready to be meeting people. Cool, it does sound like you felt there was some connection to him beyond his looks. Too bad it doesn't look like it's going to work out.
Author SpiralOut Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 Cool, it does sound like you felt there was some connection to him beyond his looks. Too bad it doesn't look like it's going to work out. Yes. I felt extremely tempted to tell him that we have that stuff in common. I really wish I could talk to him about some of it. I have met NOBODY else who understands.... but I don't want to connect with him based purely on that, so I didn't mention it. Damn this sucks. Even if we don't date, it would have been nice to just talk as friends or something. I considered telling him that, but I thought that might be too weird. I can't force him to be interested in talking to me. 1
tuxedo cat Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 Yes. I felt extremely tempted to tell him that we have that stuff in common. I really wish I could talk to him about some of it. I have met NOBODY else who understands.... but I don't want to connect with him based purely on that, so I didn't mention it. Damn this sucks. Even if we don't date, it would have been nice to just talk as friends or something. I considered telling him that, but I thought that might be too weird. I can't force him to be interested in talking to me. Stop obsessing about this loser. 1
Author SpiralOut Posted July 18, 2014 Author Posted July 18, 2014 (edited) Stop obsessing about this loser. When we feel strongly about someone, it is good to take the time to figure out why. We can take an experience, pick it apart and figure out what attracts us and why. It helps us to make better choices next time. This is introspection, and it is a good thing. Edited July 18, 2014 by SpiralOut
tuxedo cat Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 (edited) When we feel strongly about someone, it is good to take the time to figure out why. We can take an experience, pick it apart and figure out what attracts us and why. It helps us to make better choices next time. What you consider to be obsession is - in this case - actually introspection, which is a good thing. No. You're just tricking yourself into thinking you're being productive, when in fact the more you think about this guy in any capacity, the more you are convincing your brain that some loser who rejected you is important, a belief that will ultimately wear down your self esteem. Sometimes the only thing to be learned from an experience is to move past it. ( I say this lovingly as a chronic obsessive. ) Edited July 18, 2014 by tuxedo cat 1
d0nnivain Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 I'm going to play Devil's advocate here. I think this guy is more confused & just uncomfortable by the whole OLD thing. Dating via computer is not for everyone. I didn't care for it. I'm getting that kind of vibe from him. He's clearly not responding & reacting the way you want him to Spiral Out but I'm sensing a mis-communication more than complete lack of interest. he may have forgotten he has your #. Yeah, I realize that doesn't bode well but again I think his discomfort with OLD is causing some of this more than anything else. When you said if he deletes his profile you have no way to contact him, he gave you his number. Go back to my original suggestion about telling him where you will be one night when you're just hanging out. Then see what happens. I think gradually building rapport IRL rather than artificially though electronics is more his speed. Or you could you just decide he's a jerk & not worth the effort.
SmartDude Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 There is one other possible explanation that has not been explored. Likely or not here it goes: He told you he was not into online dating, yet he did not want to loose touch, so he gave you his phone number.(dork move but at least its something) He is taking down his profile because he does not want to date other women, yet he will see you. By you saying "take care" you are now pre-emptively rejecting him. He got shot down, so now he is not going to call,
Author SpiralOut Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 I'm going to play Devil's advocate here. I think this guy is more confused & just uncomfortable by the whole OLD thing. Dating via computer is not for everyone. I didn't care for it. I'm getting that kind of vibe from him. He's clearly not responding & reacting the way you want him to Spiral Out but I'm sensing a mis-communication more than complete lack of interest. he may have forgotten he has your #. Yeah, I realize that doesn't bode well but again I think his discomfort with OLD is causing some of this more than anything else. When you said if he deletes his profile you have no way to contact him, he gave you his number. Go back to my original suggestion about telling him where you will be one night when you're just hanging out. Then see what happens. I think gradually building rapport IRL rather than artificially though electronics is more his speed. Or you could you just decide he's a jerk & not worth the effort. That's the vibe that I'm getting from him too. However, I still don't have the patience to deal with someone who cannot remember that he has my phone number. Sorry, but that's really bad. And if building rapport IRL is more his speed, he needs to say that to me or do something to indicate that he wants that. It's not my job to figure out what he wants or how he wants to proceed. He hasn't responded to my last message where I told him he's free to text or call me if he changes his mind. If he were actually interested he would have made some effort to explain himself. I am putting in just as much effort towards him as he is towards me: nothing. 1
camillalev Posted July 23, 2014 Posted July 23, 2014 He sounds kind of defeated and like he's going through something(like you mentioned he was). Maybe he's just not into OLD. I wasn't into it when I tried it, it's weird to just meet up with someone like that, who you met online. Like a job interview. It's not for everyone. Also sounds like je had a crazy ex who he is potentially not over or recovered from. But, yeah, he doesn't sound so into you ATM. Doesn't seem like it has much to do w you though. I mean, crazy ex and currently working through a lot of stuff? I say move on, not worth the obsessing.
d0nnivain Posted July 23, 2014 Posted July 23, 2014 Your point in post # 37 is absolutely valid. Next .. . . 1
Emilia Posted July 23, 2014 Posted July 23, 2014 When we feel strongly about someone, it is good to take the time to figure out why. We can take an experience, pick it apart and figure out what attracts us and why. It helps us to make better choices next time. This is introspection, and it is a good thing. You can't feel strongly about someone you barely know. You need to work out why you feel so attached to someone that doesn't want you, abandonment issues?
serial muse Posted July 23, 2014 Posted July 23, 2014 (edited) That's the vibe that I'm getting from him too. However, I still don't have the patience to deal with someone who cannot remember that he has my phone number. Sorry, but that's really bad. And if building rapport IRL is more his speed, he needs to say that to me or do something to indicate that he wants that. It's not my job to figure out what he wants or how he wants to proceed. He hasn't responded to my last message where I told him he's free to text or call me if he changes his mind. If he were actually interested he would have made some effort to explain himself. I am putting in just as much effort towards him as he is towards me: nothing. Even if he did forget he already has your number - he could have asked for it again. You gave him that opportunity. He had plenty of opportunities to say "I'm done with online dating, but I really liked meeting you, so when can we see each other again?" He didn't say that. He said you could stay in touch if you wanted. At best, that's just lazy. At worst, it's completely uninterested. Might be somewhere between the two. No, I'm not saying the guy has to do all the work in general. But I am saying that in this particular case, he's the one that set up this situation, so it's on him to make his intentions clear. You even asked him to clarify! He knows you're interested. (Please don't email/call him with the reasons why you should be together, BTW. Won't work and you'll end up feeling worse.) If a guy kvetches about exes and other stuff on your first and only date and then says he plans to disappear from the OLD site you're both on because he's fed up with dating and still doesn't make any effort to say DIRECTLY that he wants to stay in touch with you - well then, he's just not that into you. And he's probably mostly just into himself. He doesn't sound like much of a catch, frankly. There are other vegan guys out there into yoga. Or even if not - it's still better to find someone who doesn't create drama after only one meeting! You really don't need this in your life. Edited July 23, 2014 by serial muse 1
Author SpiralOut Posted August 3, 2014 Author Posted August 3, 2014 (edited) He doesn't sound like much of a catch, frankly. There are other vegan guys out there into yoga. Or even if not - it's still better to find someone who doesn't create drama after only one meeting! You really don't need this in your life. Nope. He's not much of a catch. I don't know why I am attracted to men who are too into themselves to even pay attention to me. I mean he basically just sat there and talked about himself. He must have talked for about 10 minutes about how he thinks aliens put humans on earth. I found it to be extremely boring but he didn't notice or care that I was acting bored. I'll do some googling to try and figure out why I do this. Next!! Edited August 3, 2014 by SpiralOut 1
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