Author SpotyLove Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 Well, also, you haven't talked about your sex life with her (and you don't need to), but that's relevant. If things are great in the bedroom, then you two obviously do have an attraction that you can build upon, and it would be worth getting over your more minor quibbles. But if things are lukewarm in that department, and you're feeling iffy on your fundamental compatibility, maybe it's just not the right fit. I will add that it's pretty normal to have this sort of internal process when you're first getting into dating someone. It's pretty daunting to make the choice to direct all of your energy and affection toward one person, and your brain's going to inevitably put up some obstacles. Everyone has those moments of doubt, like, "Wait, am I actually attracted to this person?" and "Sh*t, this bothers me" that you have to work through. We only had sex a few times so far, but it takes time to develop as always at first. We had a lot of steamy make out sessions leading up to it. Your last paragraph is really on point though! I do remember having some doubts about girlfriends in the past initially. Since I'm a chronic over-thinker, I tend to overblow things in my head much worse than most people. I do want to emphasize she does have attractive physical qualities. She's kind of like a rookie athlete with all the potential to be All-Star. While she is a great gal no matter what, I'd love to see her reach full potential.
Eivuwan Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 We only had sex a few times so far, but it takes time to develop as always at first. We had a lot of steamy make out sessions leading up to it. Your last paragraph is really on point though! I do remember having some doubts about girlfriends in the past initially. Since I'm a chronic over-thinker, I tend to overblow things in my head much worse than most people. I do want to emphasize she does have attractive physical qualities. She's kind of like a rookie athlete with all the potential to be All-Star. While she is a great gal no matter what, I'd love to see her reach full potential. What you don't understand is that she probably doesn't share the same values. To her the "potential" is probably not important. You can't force your preferences and values on someone and expect them to change for you. Also, it is ok to not want to look your best everyday. It's just not important to some people. 5
BlueIris Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 (edited) ... She's kind of like a rookie athlete with all the potential to be All-Star. While she is a great gal no matter what, I'd love to see her reach full potential. Please don't view her, or anyone, this way- as someone you want to change or make into something you want them to be. It is so unhealthy, coercive, disrespectful. Think of it this way: what if she believed you had potential but you should be better (by her definition of better)? What if she thinks you should, say, go to medical school? This isn't a good healthy mindset in a relationship. Edited July 15, 2014 by BlueIris 7
maysj18 Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 I have WILD hair. I mean, wild. It takes so much work to get it tamed AND I'm working with my stylist to get it healthy and long, so that meAns not using heat a lot. This means lots of crazy buns and messy looks because I really can't make my natural hair presentable without round rushes, curling irons, an straighteners. Please give the girl a break over her hair. Products are expensive for 1, it takes tons of time, and those of us with wild hair usually have fragile hair that gets even worse if damaged. Damned if we do, damned if we don't. What sort of things do you do together? I find it acceptable to dress comfortably and not wasting makeup for outings that don't include going out to dinner or something similar. If you're sitting at home or going hiking, isn't it pointless to get dressed up?
Vyliss Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Like a bunch of people have said already. Just make comments about how you found her really sexy when you first got together. I think she'll work it out you prefer that look more than the one she is sporting now. Focus on what you want instead of what you don't want. If she gets offended and refuse to change, then I'd probably rethink having a relationship with her. If she likes you, she would put in the effort to do things that makes her more attractive to you. With that said, if what she is doing is her "default" look, it may be hard to expect her to continue to do this just for you. But personally, I think a woman should put the effort in to look good for men, I mean, women know this when they're single but suddenly that theory goes out the window when in a relationship? Women need to stop being so lazy about this.
guest569 Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 Please don't use "positive reinforcement" to get her to be what you want her to be. That is really fake and patronising. To me, that is worse than just outright telling her "I don't like your hair". And she will know exactly what you are 'hinting' at. "Gee I like how you wore your hair when we first met...". And now....?? I would be a tad insulted. I also think it is really unfair to keep seeing someone if you are not really attracted to them. As someone else said, I would certainly not like to be dating a guy who feels that way about me. 2
Author SpotyLove Posted July 16, 2014 Author Posted July 16, 2014 What sort of things do you do together? I find it acceptable to dress comfortably and not wasting makeup for outings that don't include going out to dinner or something similar. If you're sitting at home or going hiking, isn't it pointless to get dressed up? I could see this partially. My dress is pretty standard for 90% of thing I do. We do tend to gravitate to more casual affairs. Hard to say what would trigger some energy being put into the look. Where do you consider a place worth putting some energy into your appearance?
lollipopspot Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 (edited) On our first three dates, she put some effort into taming her somewhat naturally wild hair which looked really hot. Since then, she has mostly just pulled back her hair in such a way that doesn't frame her face well. I know it may seem petty, but I find women's hair to be very important. For me, it can make or break physical attraction. OMG, after more thinking, she actually did straighten her hair from curly which led the the hair being so different. That's so strange! Depending on the kind of hair she has, your expectations may be seriously unreasonable. Curly, fragile hair can be very, very hard to tame. If you use heat to straighten the hair, you often have only a limited number of times per month you can do that without completely frying the hair and making it even more damaged and unmanageable. Taming the hair can also be very time consuming and short lived (like, a few hours before it springs back to its old shape). Someone may tame their hair occasionally for a different look, but it may literally not be possible to do it daily. The option for her may be short hair, or longer hair that is only occasionally tamed. Going agains the basic nature of the hair is not that easy, and a lot of people in this thread are clueless as to what the issues might be. Not everyone's hair is hardy enough for chemical straightening, especially on an on-going basis. If her natural hair is a deal breaker, you probably need to let her go. It may not be as simple or possible of a change for her as you and many people are imagining. I have WILD hair. I mean, wild. It takes so much work to get it tamed AND I'm working with my stylist to get it healthy and long, so that meAns not using heat a lot. This means lots of crazy buns and messy looks because I really can't make my natural hair presentable without round rushes, curling irons, an straighteners. Please give the girl a break over her hair. Products are expensive for 1, it takes tons of time, and those of us with wild hair usually have fragile hair that gets even worse if damaged. Damned if we do, damned if we don't. There you go. Edited July 16, 2014 by lollipopspot 4
maysj18 Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 I could see this partially. My dress is pretty standard for 90% of thing I do. We do tend to gravitate to more casual affairs. Hard to say what would trigger some energy being put into the look. Where do you consider a place worth putting some energy into your appearance? Guys have it easy when it comes to attire- my boyfriend points this out all the time. Boxers, a t-shirt, jeans..he's good to go. With me I gotta wear a bra and sometimes, god forbid, a strapless one depending on the outfit. Then you have to worry about panty lines, shoes, belts, accessories, etc. Fashion is a blast, but man, it can be draining and uncomfortable! With that in mind, I get dressed up for dinner, parties, movies, and any "planned" outings. If we're just grabbing something quick, going to the movies last minute, or going shopping, I'd just wear whatever I already had on. 3
Gaeta Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 It's not because she is a good person with great qualities that she is girlfriend compatible with you. There are many ways to connect with people other than romantically. If it bothers you now it will bother you even more long term. She has already let go after a few dates, how will she let go in 6 months? Not shave her legs or pluck her eyebrows? I would never go on a date with a ponytail not even after 6 months dating. While I am out with a man I want him to be proud of the woman he's with and not be embarrassed if we come across some people he knows. If you're in town shopping and she is dressed in old baggy clothes and you come across a colleague, can you own it and proudly introduce her as your girlfriend, if it's yes then it means you like her for who she is. If the answer is no............ Between you and I, I think she has a rocking body and you want her to show it off...could it be that? 1
pteromom Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 If you look at her, and the first thing you notice is her big forehead, followed by your disappointment that she isn't presenting herself up to her potential, that isn't a good sign. Try to work on changing that thinking. When she walks up and her hair doesn't look that great, instead of focusing on that, focus on a part of her that you DO find beautiful. Or notice the way that one piece of frizzy hair keeps falling over her ear and she keeps pushing it back. The more you can train yourself to ignore these beauty standards in your head, and appreciate her for who she really is, the happier you are going to be in the long run - whether it is with her or someone else. You think pulling hair back to reveal a large forehead is bad. Wait until you are taking a sick girlfriend some soup and walk into her bedroom to find her with a red splotchy face, smelling like vomit and sweat. Wait until you have a baby with a woman and she can't bother to put on makeup and change out of sweatpants for MONTHS. Life happens, and it isn't reasonable to expect someone to always prioritize their appearance. Still - if you can't get over the way you think, and presentation is very important to you, then you should move on and find a girl who feels the same way about it you do. This girl obviously doesn't. So accept who she is, or move on. 3
GemmaUK Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 OMG, after more thinking, she actually did straighten her hair from curly which led the the hair being so different. That's so strange! Just a quick mention about curly hair as I see a few others have also. My hair is curly and used to be 'wild'. For a time I straightened it but it got very dry and out of condition. Curly hair is naturally drier than hair that is naturally straight. Using heated appliances really dries out curly hair and the use of shampoo and silicone products really doesn't do curls any good as it makes it frizz. I quit using a blow dryer or straighteners years ago then just a couple of years ago I also stopped using shampoo , combs and brushes, towels and any product with silicones added. Within just a few weeks of not using shampoo, combs etc my hair had become gorgeous curls, no frizz and no longer 'wild'. (BTW - I do wash my hair but I use a process called co-washing meaning I wash it in conditioner instead of shampoo. There's a technique to it so it's different to shampooing but it's great for curly hair!) My friend on the other hand had hair about as long and wild as mine and she straightened hers each day. Not long ago big clumps of her hair were falling off and it was in such bad condition she had to have it all cut off to a crew cut type length. So..if you like very short hair then encourage her to straighten it as it may get in such bad condition that she has no choice but to cut it off - if you like long hair let her leave it natural so it doesn't fall out in clumps! I have a big forehead for my face...well..I think I have anyway...but I got a fringe (bangs) cut ..and I do tame that with a little straightening but it's a shorter section of hair so any damage grows out much quicker when I trim my fringe.
Eivuwan Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 It's not because she is a good person with great qualities that she is girlfriend compatible with you. There are many ways to connect with people other than romantically. This part I agree with. If it bothers you now it will bother you even more long term. She has already let go after a few dates, how will she let go in 6 months? Not shave her legs or pluck her eyebrows? I would never go on a date with a ponytail not even after 6 months dating. While I am out with a man I want him to be proud of the woman he's with and not be embarrassed if we come across some people he knows. If you're in town shopping and she is dressed in old baggy clothes and you come across a colleague, can you own it and proudly introduce her as your girlfriend, if it's yes then it means you like her for who she is. If the answer is no............ Between you and I, I think she has a rocking body and you want her to show it off...could it be that?[/Quote] I wish people would stop thinking that just because they put in an extra effort in something, that it is something awesome and that everyone else should do the same thing. People share different values. There is no shame in her being who she is and dressing how she likes. I had a female professor once, who wore mismatching socks, and only t-shirts and jeans. She's successful in her field and as far as I can tell, happily married. The "I don't give a **** about how other people view my appearance" is an attitude that I respect and value, but that doesn't mean that people who value dressing better on a daily basis are somehow more shallow. And people who do not value that are not somehow more lazy or "letting themselves go." 7
PerfectStorm Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 As a woman it takes ALOT more effort in taking care of ourselves than men. God, the primping and grooming. I can't even imagine it if I had curling hair. I'm exhausted thinking about it. What I look like Saturday night is not even the same person as Saturday morning. Seriously, you wouldn't recognize me, it's that humorous. For women, there are a wide range of dress and looks based on the occasion. If it's a first date, I MAY put on a few false eyelashes I'm not going to do it every day of my life. I'm a heels almost everyday kinda girl but in no way are all women like that or should they be. I hope this makes sense. On the other hand, if she was dressed/groomed nicley before and now she's always in yoga pants and a ponytail and you're not down with that on a regular bases.... I say just move on don't try to change people. But if you want to try, complimenting is really the only good or effective way to do it.
silvermercy Posted July 16, 2014 Posted July 16, 2014 If it bothers you now it will bother you even more long term. She has already let go after a few dates, how will she let go in 6 months? Not shave her legs or pluck her eyebrows? Yeah... someone call the police. God forbid a woman goes natural... 7
Lipitor11 Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Kind of sounds like she's not a high-maintenance girl and don't all girls "let themselves go" after a few weeks, months of dating? I know at first girls look their best to attract a guy, and when they finally lock a guy down, they don't need to put all that effort in anymore. Hmm...your post is interesting. Usually if I'm at that point when I'm with a guy, I don't get fixed up anymore...makes me think I need to look presentable at all times, never know who I will run into. 1
Noproblem Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 for everyone who defends this girl. I don't like to defend her attitude, she practically tricked the guy into believing she is so hot, and then changed back into something else.. What happens after they get married, will she gain 100 pounds just because she got the guy!
Eivuwan Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 for everyone who defends this girl. I don't like to defend her attitude, she practically tricked the guy into believing she is so hot, and then changed back into something else.. What happens after they get married, will she gain 100 pounds just because she got the guy! Yeah man, she really tricked the guy by not straightening her hair and not wearing clothes that he likes. It's such an obvious trick. 5
Noproblem Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 (edited) Yeah man, she really tricked the guy by not straightening her hair and not wearing clothes that he likes. It's such an obvious trick. You know and I know that she tricked him...... pretending to be a high maintenance girl who took good care of her self, and now when she realized that she got the guy; she feels that she doesn't need to do that any more.. It's kinda of pathetic and applies to so many girls and women out there, they think the only reason to look presentable is just to grab a decent guy. If she wanted to be so genuine and true; she shouldn't have pretended to be somebody that she is obviously not! Edited July 17, 2014 by Noproblem
Els Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 You know and I know that she tricked him...... pretending to be a high maintenance girl who took good care of her self, and now when she realized that she got the guy; she feels that she doesn't need to do that any more.. Anyone who believes that it's possible to 'have got the guy' in 6 weeks is not terribly smart. And I'm not even talking about the OP's gf.
Eivuwan Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Anyone who believes that it's possible to 'have got the guy' in 6 weeks is not terribly smart. And I'm not even talking about the OP's gf. Lol and she's not even his gf. 1
Els Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I would never go on a date with a ponytail not even after 6 months dating. While I am out with a man I want him to be proud of the woman he's with and not be embarrassed if we come across some people he knows. Now a ponytail on a woman is embarrassing, too? We learn new things every day... I met my SO with my hair in a ponytail. It was in a ponytail for the majority of our dates. Didn't stop him from wanting to court me then, or even now, several years down the road. Not everyone shares your 'standards' and the OP's. 1
Noproblem Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I just like to mention that my hair is straight and I love curly hair and I do my hair curly a lot of the time.. There is nothing wrong with a pony tail either, and no its not embarrassing or ugly, but I am sure you agree that some people look their worse when their hair up instead of down and some others look their best when they do pony tail instead of letting their hair down. It's just the Op liked the girl for how she first presented herself and then she changed that. Calling him shallow is not fair, because at the end of the day, we wouldn't care about money, clothes, cars, items if we weren't so shallow too! Appearances do matters and yes I agree this guy wouldn't care about how she looked that much if he was truly into her, but that's another subject. isn't it! He is asking how to tell her to change her style and frankly I don't see how he can do that without hurting her feelings or offending her So he either accept that, or simply implies that he really likes straight long hair for women which I am sure will cause a problem too.. 2
Emilia Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I agree that it's about values and 'standards'. The only time a man I'm dating sees me in a tracksuit is when I've just come out of the gym. Certainly not at home or out and about. I make an effort around him (and on my own) and I agree that it's unfair to drop that after a few weeks or months of dating. I expect the same to be honest, I like casual but he needs to keep up appearances. I don't want a slob, thanks. But it's not the same with everyone. The OP needs to find a woman who makes an effort as much as he does. That doesn't make him a bad person or shallow, it just means his attraction style is different. He needs someone who has it together. No shame in that. 2
FitnessRN Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 At the beginning of the post, I remarked that I found this frustrating because I do really like her as a person. I was mainly just looking for ways to encourage her do present herself nicely. Wearing well-fitting clothing and personal grooming can make any man or woman a notch more attractive. I'm not asking anyone to spend a fortune. I'm not being shallow, just think about it for a moment. Anyway, it sounds like I need to accept her for her current appearance or move on as opposed to suggesting any changes, agreed? I'm not trying to sound harsh, but people who let themselves go, male or female, should never let themselves go. There, she is taking you for granted. she lost the physical attraction battle, and she is making no effort to change it. This may sound harsh, but males or females, who let themselves go (weight gain, not dressing up well, sitting on the couch all day) are asking to be booted. One person I was with, I didn't mind getting up, making coffee for her and I and hooking her up with coffee while she laid in bed, or even breakfast in bed. I'm not talking about things like that. I'm referring to people who get too comfortable and take things for granted. She's losing the physical attraction battle in you, and your interest level is almost at 50%. When you are confused or complaining a lot (like on here) she's on her way out! 2
Recommended Posts