Eivuwan Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I just think that at the dating stage, if the relationship is to have any chance, people should usually be quite happy and please with each other. Flaws would seem cute because you're in the honeymoon phase. However, the OP is not even in a relationship with her and these things are bugging him already. It's just not going to work out. 4
Author SpotyLove Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 The bottom line is that a long-term relationship would involve plenty of compromises and little things that bug you about each other. If you can't overlook a little hairdo issue now, how can you deal with what comes later? I understand that. However, I do feel there was a misrepresentation put forth and that isn't really a good starting point for the relationship. My caliber of preparation was the same for date 1 or date 10. I don't like feeling guilty because I want her to look attractive. What's the point in trying to deceive your date? Now I just feel confused
TheGuard13 Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 If she's not an 8 because her hair is pulled back and she's not wearing makeup, then she's not an 8, period. I go back and forth on this. Ultimately I think it's a compatability thing. Sounds like he wants someone who primps and preens a bit more, and who comes across as a bit more traditionally feminine, because that's what he likes from an attraction standpoint. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but it doesn't seem like this is that girl at this point. 3
somedude81 Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Facial hair is different than telling a girl to put her hair down because her forehead is too big. I seriously doubt that anybody would actually say that to a girl.
Eivuwan Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I understand that. However, I do feel there was a misrepresentation put forth and that isn't really a good starting point for the relationship. My caliber of preparation was the same for date 1 or date 10. I don't like feeling guilty because I want her to look attractive. What's the point in trying to deceive your date? Now I just feel confused You think she looks less attractive. She may feel that she is who she is no matter what she does with her hair and clothes. In other words, she may not be trying to deceive you. She is just trying on different looks. 1
BlueIris Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I agree with Eivuwan. I think it's best to just stop seeing each other. You don't find her attractive unless she.... Which means you don't find her attractive. You just attached to one look, and not the person overall. You haven't been deceived or cheated. I change my look all the time, and even wear different colored wigs sometimes. It's fun. Now, if I could get guys to wear suits all the time.... haha 4
Author SpotyLove Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 I agree with Eivuwan. I think it's best to just stop seeing each other. You don't find her attractive unless she.... Which means you don't find her attractive. You just attached to one look, and not the person overall. You haven't been deceived or cheated. I change my look all the time, and even wear different colored wigs sometimes. It's fun. Now, if I could get guys to wear suits all the time.... haha At the beginning of the post, I remarked that I found this frustrating because I do really like her as a person. I was mainly just looking for ways to encourage her do present herself nicely. Wearing well-fitting clothing and personal grooming can make any man or woman a notch more attractive. I'm not asking anyone to spend a fortune. I'm not being shallow, just think about it for a moment. Anyway, it sounds like I need to accept her for her current appearance or move on as opposed to suggesting any changes, agreed?
Els Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I'm not going to call you names for it, but clearly this is the look that she is comfortable with. If you're not comfortable with it that's your prerogative, but you don't ask a girl who's been dating you for 6 weeks to change for you. You move on to someone more compatible, and allow her to do the same. If this is a concern to you at 6 weeks in, then this is definitely not going to turn out well. IMO people who are really into someone aren't asking such questions about them during what is presumably the honeymoon period. I'd say the same if the genders were reversed. 5
Standard-Fare Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 SpotyLove, some of your comments rub me the wrong way but at the same time I see you're just being totally honest. It also reminds me of a situation I had with an ex. Whenever he grew out his facial hair (in the style of a lame goatee), I found myself markedly less attracted to him. I let him know my preference by saying things like "Your face is so handsome, I want to see the whole thing," and "Your beard irritates my skin when we're kissing." (Both true.) I just never phrased it like "Your goatee sucks." With your girl, your aversion to her hairstyle and appearance seems more fundamental. If you can't see her beauty when her hair's pulled back, I don't think your attraction is genuine and I don't think you really accept her for who she is. And if it bothers you now, it's only going to continue. So if you can't find a way to look past it, I think you should do the girl a favor and get out. I would absolutely hate to be dating a guy who felt this way about me. 6
Author SpotyLove Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 I'm not going to call you names for it, but clearly this is the look that she is comfortable with. If you're not comfortable with it that's your prerogative, but you don't ask a girl who's been dating you for 6 weeks to change for you. You move on to someone more compatible, and allow her to do the same. If this is a concern to you at 6 weeks in, then this is definitely not going to turn out well. IMO people who are really into someone aren't asking such questions about them during what is presumably the honeymoon period. I'd say the same if the genders were reversed. Maybe you're right. My expectations might just be too high. It's been a rough of dating and short term relationships. I've started to lose confidence I'll find what I'm looking for. Maybe I'm the problem. Usually, I just expect my girlfriends to meet a minimum attractiveness standard. Most of my energy goes to seeking the personality I want. In the end, no one is perfect.
Author SpotyLove Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 SpotyLove, some of your comments rub me the wrong way but at the same time I see you're just being totally honest. It also reminds me of a situation I had with an ex. Whenever he grew out his facial hair (in the style of a lame goatee), I found myself markedly less attracted to him. I let him know my preference by saying things like "Your face is so handsome, I want to see the whole thing," and "Your beard irritates my skin when we're kissing." (Both true.) I just never phrased it like "Your goatee sucks." With your girl, your aversion to her hairstyle and appearance seems more fundamental. If you can't see her beauty when her hair's pulled back, I don't think your attraction is genuine and I don't think you really accept her for who she is. And if it bothers you now, it's only going to continue. So if you can't find a way to look past it, I think you should do the girl a favor and get out. I would absolutely hate to be dating a guy who felt this way about me. I appreciate your honesty. I'm just trying to be honest also. She's a great girl and I think I'll be able to get over it. After all, part of dating someone is accepting all their flaws, whether personal or physical. This has all just been a bit of a mind bender. Never had my level of physical attraction change so much. Now, that's not to say I haven't seen other people go through day and night transformations myself.
Els Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Maybe you're right. My expectations might just be too high. It's been a rough of dating and short term relationships. I've started to lose confidence I'll find what I'm looking for. Maybe I'm the problem. Usually, I just expect my girlfriends to meet a minimum attractiveness standard. Most of my energy goes to seeking the personality I want. In the end, no one is perfect. How about trying to connect with women instead of making laundry lists and checking them off? It sounds to me like you have this mold of how you want a woman to be, and you compare all the women you meet against that mold. If you open yourself up a bit and focus on compatibility and connection, it might help you. 5
Emilia Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I strive to try to accept the person as they are because I know it's unrealistic that they will keep making changes for me forever. When I'm seeing a guy, I need to find out whether I like him at his scruffiest because realistically, I'll see that sometimes. 1
Standard-Fare Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I appreciate your honesty. I'm just trying to be honest also. She's a great girl and I think I'll be able to get over it. After all, part of dating someone is accepting all their flaws, whether personal or physical. This has all just been a bit of a mind bender. Never had my level of physical attraction change so much. Now, that's not to say I haven't seen other people go through day and night transformations myself. I think it's safe to assume that the frumpier style you're seeing from her (and not loving) is her baseline appearance. That's the person you're going to be dealing with on a regular basis. Anything else is her dressing up for show. So if you truly don't feel attracted to that baseline, you do have to move on. I also think it's pretty normal for a woman to show her best self on the first few dates then gradually get more comfortable and show her down-to-earth side. That second part of the process is important, because, at the end of the day we all need someone who can love us when we're wearing sweatpants. 7
Eivuwan Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I think it's safe to assume that the frumpier style you're seeing from her (and not loving) is her baseline appearance. That's the person you're going to be dealing with on a regular basis. Anything else is her dressing up for show. So if you truly don't feel attracted to that baseline, you do have to move on. I also think it's pretty normal for a woman to show her best self on the first few dates then gradually get more comfortable and show her down-to-earth side. That second part of the process is important, because, at the end of the day we all need someone who can love us when we're wearing sweatpants. Couldn't have said it better myself. Yeah, I like to dress up for a guy sometimes, but ultimately I like wearing jeans and t-shirts most days. If someone can't accept my normal and natural appearance, then what's the point? 3
Diezel Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 There is absolutely nothing wrong with not feeling attracted to a woman when she is "stripped down to her baseline core". It happens. You move on. I've found that it is much easier for a woman to get a man to be receptive about style than it is for a man to do so with a woman. She might be amazing, but trust me, this will bother you further down the road. Just find someone who will fit your style.
isisisweeping Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 You can compliment and positive reinforcement.... But honestly, as a geeky low-maintenance type of gal myself, I don't see the day to day effort changing forever.
Author SpotyLove Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 How about trying to connect with women instead of making laundry lists and checking them off? It sounds to me like you have this mold of how you want a woman to be, and you compare all the women you meet against that mold. If you open yourself up a bit and focus on compatibility and connection, it might help you. I think this is partially helpful. When evaluating people, no one is perfect. I guess you have to be willing to accept the person as whole and realize there are pros and cons to every human. The thought of breaking things off over physical qualms makes me feel really guilty, but I guess dating is selfish process.
Eivuwan Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I think this is partially helpful. When evaluating people, no one is perfect. I guess you have to be willing to accept the person as whole and realize there are pros and cons to every human. The thought of breaking things off over physical qualms makes me feel really guilty, but I guess dating is selfish process. Nah, if you really liked her, you would think her big forehead is adorable. 4
BlueIris Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 ... I was mainly just looking for ways to encourage her do present herself nicely. Wearing well-fitting clothing and personal grooming can make any man or woman a notch more attractive. Anyway, it sounds like I need to accept her for her current appearance or move on as opposed to suggesting any changes, agreed? Yes, I think so. I didn't say you were shallow. I said that you like a certain look. Most people do. But you're assuming that the look you prefer is better, "to look nice," "presenting herself nicely," etc, when it isn't "nicer" to everybody. It's just your preference. I'm a woman with very short hair who usually wears very tailored clothing, for instance, and lots of men just don't like it. Eh. I like it. Someone could think that I would be "more attractive" if I wore my hair long or wore more flowered or frilly clothing. But that's just more attractive to him. Another example: I think bald is very sexy, the ideal look for men. I could tell a man I'm dating that he'd look "nicer" or "better" if he kept his head shaved, but I realize that that is just my preference, not some universal law or rule of what looks good. No one is the authority of how someone else "should" look. People get to choose. So, to me, this isn't about whether you're shallow. It's more about assuming that your opinion or preference is right for her, for anyone else. But none of us has that right or power. (No, men do not wear suits or shave their heads because I like that best.) 2
Sunfire73 Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I put an effort to look nice for my bf most of the times, so your feeling about your gf not putting enough effort is not wrong. I like looking nice too, and I feel the same way with him. We can look comfortable at times and it's also not a problem at all, we have seen each other at our barest. We just like to look nice for each other sometimes. So you can encourage her by being at your best all the time, so she can follow you. And then if she does, compliment her. If she doesn't, you will have to settle with her, but I think eventually you will crave someone who has the same lifestyle as yours. 1
Author SpotyLove Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 I put an effort to look nice for my bf most of the times, so your feeling about your gf not putting enough effort is not wrong. I like looking nice too, and I feel the same way with him. We can look comfortable at times and it's also not a problem at all, we have seen each other at our barest. We just like to look nice for each other sometimes. So you can encourage her by being at your best all the time, so she can follow you. And then if she does, compliment her. If she doesn't, you will have to settle with her, but I think eventually you will crave someone who has the same lifestyle as yours. Thank you everyone who commented on this thread. Ultimately, I think she has more than enough great personal qualities to offset some physical quibbles. I think I've just been putting way too much pressure on myself and others instead of just letting things unfold naturally. I've been feeling a little depressed lately, maybe I'm displacing some negative thoughts onto her. 1
Standard-Fare Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Thank you everyone who commented on this thread. Ultimately, I think she has more than enough great personal qualities to offset some physical quibbles. I think I've just been putting way too much pressure on myself and others instead of just letting things unfold naturally. I've been feeling a little depressed lately, maybe I'm displacing some negative thoughts onto her. Well, also, you haven't talked about your sex life with her (and you don't need to), but that's relevant. If things are great in the bedroom, then you two obviously do have an attraction that you can build upon, and it would be worth getting over your more minor quibbles. But if things are lukewarm in that department, and you're feeling iffy on your fundamental compatibility, maybe it's just not the right fit. I will add that it's pretty normal to have this sort of internal process when you're first getting into dating someone. It's pretty daunting to make the choice to direct all of your energy and affection toward one person, and your brain's going to inevitably put up some obstacles. Everyone has those moments of doubt, like, "Wait, am I actually attracted to this person?" and "Sh*t, this bothers me" that you have to work through. 1
hasaquestion Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 That's one way to put it. Another way is that she no longer cares what he thinks of her. She made the effort initially but after he played nice guy then she figured that she doesn't need to put in the effort to bag the guy. Either that or she's the type that only cares about first impressions and nothing after — OP do you really want to be dating frizzy haired girl like that? OP is uncomfortable because he puts in the effort in his appearance (instilled by his ex) and feels like it isn't being reciprocated. Yep. Either... 1) She started out doing it, and then decided she doesn't need to do it to "keep you". In that case, its barely been a month and she takes you for granted. Not good. 2) She started out doing it, and then decided she doesn't need to because you like her the way she is. And the fact that she "can let her hair down and be herself" around you is actually a big part of why she likes you. She appreciates you because you enable her to relax and just be her. So you're really misleading her. Which is an even worse than the first possibility. Both are bad situations.
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