SpotyLove Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I've been dating a wonderful woman for the past six weeks or so. She has a great personality. However, her appearance has been really inconsistent which has led me to have a variable level of physical attraction towards her. I feel horrible about stating this but honestly it makes a world of difference. On our first three dates, she put some effort into taming her somewhat naturally wild hair which looked really hot. Since then, she has mostly just pulled back her hair in such a way that doesn't frame her face well. She also hasn't put the same effort into how she dresses. A previous gf of mine taught me how to dress myself well and its really improved my confidence over the years. She's a nerdy girl and I don't want to hurt her feelings, but she's an 8 disguised as a 6 most of the time. How can I encourage her to put some extra effort into her appearance without being offensive? How can I make the complements really stick?
CarrieT Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 At six weeks, there is no way to do it without offending her. She is getting comfortable with you and is showing you who she really is - and if you are not happy with it, then move on. Personally, I think you are being a bit shallow by expecting her to "put more effort in" to be something other than what she is naturally. 11
veggirl Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 you can't. even if she changes for a while, her go-to is obviously the look you don't like. she's been going to that her whole life, it's what she is comfy with. I highlyyyy doubt that'll ever permanently change. only 6 weeks in...most people are still putting their best foot forward, she doesn't want to bother with her hair, you won't change it. 1
todreaminblue Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I think if you say i really love it when you wear your out when she has her hair out its a positive thing.....i dont think you should say you want it to be that way bu ti think when she makes an effort let it be known that you appreciate the effort a recent ex wanted me to dress in tight clothing and not wear my "frumpy clothes" which aren't really frumpy they just cover my endowments at the front i have a rack i cover up.i wear loose jackets..he also wanted me to wear red lipstick......we are no longer together...he said straight up to me "why do you wear stuff that makes you look bigger......and i think you should put on red lipstick.....i did appreciate his honesty..as i said e are no longer together....he calls me all the time though to ask advice..deb
Author SpotyLove Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 At six weeks, there is no way to do it without offending her. She is getting comfortable with you and is showing you who she really is - and if you are not happy with it, then move on. Personally, I think you are being a bit shallow by expecting her to "put more effort in" to be something other than what she is naturally. How am I being shallow by encouraging someone put their best foot forward? If I could make some simple changes to dramatically improve my appearance, why not? I'm not suggesting a complete overhaul. In fact, she wears no makeup and I have no problem with that. If you are saying I need to accept her the way she is, I can understand that 2
Gaeta Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I think at this point all you can do is use positive reinforcement. When she wears something you like then tell her 'I love it when you wear a dress' or I like when your hair is curled. 9
Author SpotyLove Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 I think at this point all you can do is use positive reinforcement. When she wears something you like then tell her 'I love it when you wear a dress' or I like when your hair is curled. I agree. Why you might call me shallow, what is there to be said about someone who misrepresents themselves on dates? I'm always consistent. 1
Keenly Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Quit worrying about trying to change her appearance and focus more on the person you are getting to know. 8
WhiskeyJack Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I kinda just went through something similar with my ex. I had no idea he didn't exactly enjoy my "comfy" look that I wore a lot. And when it finally came out in an argument it felt like I was getting punched in the gut. At that point I didn't feel like making more of an effort for him. I was embarrassed. And when he would bring it up randomly out the blue and it would sting all over again and I'd shut down. Moral of the story, be gentle. Positive reinforcement is a great idea. 1
CarrieT Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 How am I being shallow by encouraging someone put their best foot forward? Because their best foot forward is from YOUR perspective - not her's. There is a huge media campaign right now trying to get people to understand that a woman's worth is not based on how she wears eye makeup and how they look. I dated a guy who really wanted me to wear Kardashian-style eye makeup. I am a very pale, red-headed woman and that look made me appear like I had been beaten up, with black eyes. But in his eyes, *that* look was "putting my best foot forward." Who are YOU to tell this woman what is her best foot? That is up to her and what makes her comfortable. As VegGirl said - if you don't like her daily look, move on. 9
Eivuwan Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Seriously, if a simple thing such as a hairdo bothers you so much that you want to change her already, stop dating her. 3
amaysngrace Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 If she stopped making the effort already it's because she's just not that into you. 2
RyanBeynolds Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I agree with just complimenting her whenever she does something you like. I did that with my girl, and it has worked... although I think she is beautiful 247. I actually tell her to wear LESS make up, and I mean it! But for your case, the compliments will work best. She came over one time and I opened the door and looked like this :-O and needless to say, she dresses like that more and more. Telling her she doesn't look good will not work. Be nice about it, man. I was talking to my girl when we first dated, and I told her I love boy short lingerie. She didn't have any, so next time she came she drove us to the mall, went to Victoria's Secret, and bought 6 pairs! Now she wears them every time she comes over 1
notserene Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 This is why I never straightened my hair:laugh: I figure you have to like me with curly hair...or don't like me with it. It isn't messy - it forms neat ringlets - but I wouldn't want a guy to decide he liked me only with flat ironed hair. Besides, it is hard work for me to get my hair straight. I wonder if this girl did something that changed her natural appearance fairly dramatically and now OP feels "tricked.". (I think this is kind of silly but maybe that's what he's thinking). 1
RyanBeynolds Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 This is why I never straightened my hair:laugh: I figure you have to like me with curly hair...or don't like me with it. It isn't messy - it forms neat ringlets - but I wouldn't want a guy to decide he liked me only with flat ironed hair. Besides, it is hard work for me to get my hair straight. I wonder if this girl did something that changed her natural appearance fairly dramatically and now OP feels "tricked.". (I think this is kind of silly but maybe that's what he's thinking). I have a thing for curly hair... http://hairstylesnailarts.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/curly_interview_hairstyles_-_how_to_style_curly_hair_for_a_job_latina_hairstyle.jpg 1
Author SpotyLove Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 I notice every word my guy tells me about how I look. Most women do. As others mention, dish out the compliments when warranted and keep quiet otherwise. We get it. My guy couldn't leave my boobs alone when I wore a black bra...couldn't stop nibbling on my neck if I wore dangling earrings...played with my hair when I let it down. And other examples too numerous to mention. Needless to say when we see each other I wear a black bra, dangling earrings and wear my hair down. No, don't feel bad that you have preferences. They are not shallow if they are part of your expectation in what you want in a partner. I expect my guy to be well groomed and dress sharply when we are together unless we are out hiking, etc....even then he makes an effort. I'm worth an effort and I certainly make an effort to meet his expectations. Thanks for backing me up. I actually think I figured it out. Sometimes she likes to just put her hair in the middle part her head up or held back with with a clip while the hair on the sides is down. It makes her look like she has a big forehead, despite it being maybe only slightly larger than normal. I know it may seem petty, but I find women's hair to be very important. For me, it can make or break physical attraction. Would it be horrible if I suggest not wearing that middle section up? Or take it down playfully?
RyanBeynolds Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Thanks for backing me up. I actually think I figured it out. Sometimes she likes to just put her hair in the middle part her head up or held back with with a clip while the hair on the sides is down. It makes her look like she has a big forehead, despite it being maybe only slightly larger than normal. I know it may seem petty, but I find women's hair to be very important. For me, it can make or break physical attraction. Would it be horrible if I suggest not wearing that middle section up? Or take it down playfully? Take it down playfully and say "Wow, you look gorgeous." But in all honesty, you are talking horribly about your girl. I'm not sure what you want with her because it seems like you don't love her. 2
Author SpotyLove Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 This is why I never straightened my hair:laugh: I figure you have to like me with curly hair...or don't like me with it. It isn't messy - it forms neat ringlets - but I wouldn't want a guy to decide he liked me only with flat ironed hair. Besides, it is hard work for me to get my hair straight. I wonder if this girl did something that changed her natural appearance fairly dramatically and now OP feels "tricked.". (I think this is kind of silly but maybe that's what he's thinking). You might be right. I developed a physical attraction for features that disappeared after a few dates. Now, my mind feels confused over the dramatic change as I'm still attracted to her personality strongly. How can I reconcile these thoughts? I feel guilty but somewhat deceived.
Author SpotyLove Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 This is why I never straightened my hair:laugh: I figure you have to like me with curly hair...or don't like me with it. It isn't messy - it forms neat ringlets - but I wouldn't want a guy to decide he liked me only with flat ironed hair. Besides, it is hard work for me to get my hair straight. I wonder if this girl did something that changed her natural appearance fairly dramatically and now OP feels "tricked.". (I think this is kind of silly but maybe that's what he's thinking). OMG, after more thinking, she actually did straighten her hair from curly which led the the hair being so different. That's so strange!
Eivuwan Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 The bottom line is that a long-term relationship would involve plenty of compromises and little things that bug you about each other. If you can't overlook a little hairdo issue now, how can you deal with what comes later? 1
somedude81 Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Why are people making it seem like it's a horrible thing for this guy to want her to put a little more effort in her appearance so he can be very attracted to her? Lets say for example that I had a GF that really liked how I looked clean shaven. If she asked me to shave everyday instead of my normal twice a week, I wouldn't get upset. I'd gladly do it if it made her more attracted to me. 3
Eivuwan Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Why are people making it seem like it's a horrible thing for this guy to want her to put a little more effort in her appearance so he can be very attracted to her? Lets say for example that I had a GF that really liked how I looked clean shaven. If she asked me to shave everyday instead of my normal twice a week, I wouldn't get upset. I'd gladly do it if it made her more attracted to me. They are not even in a relationship yet.
RyanBeynolds Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Why are people making it seem like it's a horrible thing for this guy to want her to put a little more effort in her appearance so he can be very attracted to her? Lets say for example that I had a GF that really liked how I looked clean shaven. If she asked me to shave everyday instead of my normal twice a week, I wouldn't get upset. I'd gladly do it if it made her more attracted to me. Facial hair is different than telling a girl to put her hair down because her forehead is too big. 1
MoreCoffee Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Why are people making it seem like it's a horrible thing for this guy to want her to put a little more effort in her appearance so he can be very attracted to her? Lets say for example that I had a GF that really liked how I looked clean shaven. If she asked me to shave everyday instead of my normal twice a week, I wouldn't get upset. I'd gladly do it if it made her more attracted to me. When a woman instructs a man, it's loving and charming. Vice versa, he's an insensitive monster. Aint dating great? 6
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