Ex broke up with me...now he's mad because I went on 2 DATES? !

[lululauren08]

So to make a realllllyyyy long story a little shorter..my ex and I were together for about a year and half. The relationship started fast and we both fell hard in love. Neither of us had ever been happier. We moved in together after about 6 months of dating, looked at engagement rings, and thought our whole future was planned out together. Then suddenly we started arguing more...things escalated pretty quickly and within a few months he broke up with me after a big fight. I waited it out, gave him some space, and was hoping we could work things out. After about a week of living in the same apartment, me sleeping in our bed and him sleeping on the couch, he basically asked me when I was moving out. Suddenly, I realized this break up was for real and there was no going back. I stayed with my brother and then a friend for a few weeks while I got my ducks in a row and found a new place to live. The entire time I kept hoping he would change his mind. After about a month of being broken up and sleeping on couches, I moved out and got my own apartment.

 

At first, we kept in some contact...texting and talking about how hard everything was on both of us. I expressed wanting to make it work, he kept saying he wasn't ready to try again and felt like he needed to work on himself and we needed time apart. Then one day he just didn't text me back at all. I let it go...I missed him but I assumed it was over. I didn't text him drunk or anything, I had blocked him from Facebook, and the days went by slowly and I shrunk down to a ghostly image of my former self. I missed him but he didn't seem to be coming back.

 

Then about a month later he randomly texted me, we talked briefly, and then silence again for another month. We broke in February and in May I texted him and just wished him a happy birthday...he responded a generic "thanks" kind of text in which I didn't reply. We left it at that. In early June I was finally coming out of the dark hole I was in and met a guy, went on 2 dates with him and tried to find some type of normalcy again but after those 2 dates I decided I really needed to just work on me and not really date at all. So I did what they tell you to do...I spent time with friends, I worked out, I cried on the couch with my dogs watching netflix, I worked a lot, and I kept moving forward.

 

At the end of June he texted me after going through a rough night at work (he's a police officer) and said he was having a sobering moment at how short life is. He said he hoped I was doing well and that he hoped I stayed safe, he still worried about me, etc. I responded back and we talked back and forth, good friendly conversation for about a week. Then we started flirting through text again...he initiated most conversations and it felt like maybe we were getting close again. We both agreed to being friends and he still said he wasn't ready to try again yet but he was working on himself and he hoped that one day we could give it another shot if I would have him. I was starting to feel happy again...I looked forward to talking to him and we joked around like old times. I hadn't dated/talked to anyone since the guy in early June...I assumed he had been dating, we never talked about it, but we had been broken up about 5 months. In my opinion, whatever happens while we are apart is none of my concern any way. We are broken up..don't ask, don't tell.

 

Then in the middle of good conversation last night, he says he wants to ask me something and wants me to be "200% honest". He asked if I had been on any dates, I said yes. Then he asked if I had sex with anyone, I said no (which I hadn't). Then he asked if I was dating/talking to anyone...I said no (because I'mnot). He paused for a little bit and said he was pretty hurt by what he heard and he was just going to sleep on that information and we would talk later. I said ok, I understand..goodnight..blah blah blah. Then 2 minutes later he lashes out at me how he hasn't been on "a single ****ing date" if i even care...and he couldn't believe I would do that. Here he was making himself a better person for ME and I just moved on so fast and I was trying to build a life with someone else and I was moving on and blah blah blah. He was furious with me and I tried to calmly explain that I was forcing myself to get back out there and heal from our relationship...and as the conversation went on he got more and more disrespectful. He asked why I would go on a date if I wasn't trying to start a relationship? Asked if I was just trying to get laid..said that here he was too broken hearted from the decision he had to make to break up with me, and I was doing just fine and dating already. That I went from looking at wedding rings with him to out on a date with someone else in a matter of months. I was so hurt by what he was saying. Then he asked me again if I had sex with anyone...the whole "in order to get over someone you get under someone else" comment was thrown out there...he was basically calling me everything but a slut. I told him to just stop...he texted me a few more times saying he knew he was being an ******* but he wasn't going to let me make him the bad guy...that he HAD to break up with me because it was my fault (granted, yes...our break stemmed from me being too clingy and insecure)...and that I caused all this and I was the one who would live with regret. Not him.

 

5 minutes later...he sends me an apology text, says he hopes I can forgive him, this big long thing about his reaction being irrational. I didn't respond. Texted me again this morning with something similar, apologizing. Then texts me around noon today saying he wished I would just talk to him, he was worried about me, etc. I finally gave in and just said that I needed to think about things.

 

I'm at a loss. I love this man...up until last night, I really thought we were going to maybe work things out and that we could still get married. How can he be so upset that I went on 2 DATES when he broke up with ME!? Yes, maybe I was the main cause but when you love someone don't you stick by them in good times and bad? Not just break up with them, kick them out, and then string them along for 5 months while you "work on yourself"? I mean, am I crazy here? Did I miss something? Because all this time I assumed he was dating..in fact, I even hoped he would go on dates and realize those girls weren't me. And yet, I go on 2 dates and still was trying to work it out with him a month later. Should that not show him where my heart is? Sorry for venting..sorry this was so long. I just am at a complete loss on what to do right now.

 

Also, I'm not sure it matters but I am 25 and he's 26...he's a police officer and I am a nurse...we are both educated and mature (or so I thought) and this relationship, despite it's drama, felt like it was "the one" for me...now I'm starting to think he's just been pulling me along for months and is now pissed that he has to live with his decision. Any advice?

[No Limit]

Initiate NC if you don't want to be with him anymore. If you do, just honestly ask him what he wants from you. Make it clear that you're single, you're free to date anyone you like and he's got nothing to say to this matter since he's "just the ex".

 

If he just starts with more drama, go NC. Either he'll come around with a little more effort than pesty calls or he'll move on in time.

[fancy feast]

Tell the man-child that you're single and you'll date whoever you want, whenever you want. If he doesn't like it: http://img.pandawhale.com/67253-archer-deal-with-it-gif-NRxp.gif

 

Then block and ignore.

[umirano]

Wow, I hoped police men are more realistic and have more emotional control than that. I doubt you really want to be with someone like him in the long run.

 

My ex did the same sneaky thing (but I bet she's a couple of years younger than your ex) and said she's going to work on herself and we "probably" will be back together after she has worked on herself.

 

Now damn right he wasn't supposed to date, because he said he wants to work on himself. But he dumped you. You can't not be with him and be subject to his wishes regarding your personal relationships. The two mutually exclude each other.

 

But don't get your hopes high getting this information through with him. I know it's probably hard to do, but you need to go NC again. I worry that when you get back with him it'll come up again. He may not get over it. The emotional answer that he gave to you doesn't sound like he can step back from the whole situation. Maybe you're scared and have difficulties setting him straight. But he's wrong. He won't like it, but he is. He should listen to you. If you get him to understand what you posted here you may have a chance. If he cannot apologize to you for being d!ckish then - for your own good - you should chalk it up to RS experiences and move on.

[GoBlue]

I appreciate the candor of your story. Relationships are hard and can be a source of great confusion and pain - but they are worth it - with the right person. I have simple advice, do not ignore glaring red flags. If you run a red light you can expect there to be a horrible mess when your vehicle collides with another. Relationships are the same way. You run the red lights there is going to be a horrible mess as well. I am not a man who believes that a person cannot change and everyone should be pigeon-holed by their past behavior. I am very aware of the fact, however, that issues that are present before marriage do NOT get better after marriage.

 

Living with a person is not a good way to prepare for marriage. Statistics show that these couples have poorer marital communication, higher levels of domestic abuse, and are more likely to end in divorce. Taking your time in the dating process (save sex for marriage!) and going through good premarital counseling is the best way to prepare and evaluate the health of a relationship and determine your readiness for marriage. I have articles to share if you are interested.

 

This is not meant to be a sermon or a lecture. I have spent many years, however, counseling with couples both before marriage and after. The time to deal with glaring issues is long before the wedding day. Hope this is a help. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Chi townD]

You could have told him that if he didn't want you to go on dates, then he shouldn't have thrown you away.

[lovebug_5858]

My ex is also a police man, and likewise I find him to not be able to control his emotions or deal with them in a positive way.

I don't know...

But I've learned that I can't change who he is, and he probably can't either, even if he wanted to.

Sometimes, things just aren't meant to be and it seems to me that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Be single, but always have you ready at the drop of a dime.

Don't go along with it, this isn't normal, and it's not okay. He does need to work on himself if he ever wants to find a partner again- because not many people are willing to put up with that. (and you shouldn't be either)