shelshock Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 I'm not really sure where to start, or how to start for that matter. Actually, I'm not even sure this is the right place to post, forgive me, everyone. I'm trying to cope with my breakup, the feelings left behind, my actions throughout the whole ordeal and now the nc he has intiated as a result. In 6 days I go in for surgery to remove a few tumors from my brain. The specific type is aggressive and it is likely they will return. I'm hopeful but scared. This is actually the start of everything. When I found out 9 months ago, I decided I wanted one last happy relationship, just in case. I wanted to throw my heart out there and love. I met an amazing guy. He was an international student, leaving in 8 months to go back home for the summer. Egotistical and seemingly impartial, I figured he would go home and just stop contacting me while I had my surgery and faced mortality but with the good memories of our time together. Selfish and stupid, really. I was always myself, passive, caring, I helped him in all of his classes, baked and cooked for him, we went on trips together, I doted on him. He never loved me, I knew that, and he told me himself before he left. He said i was a perfect girlfriend, and amazing but I wasn't beautiful enough and he couldn't love me. He said he cared a lot but just couldn't love me. I knew he wouldn't it's part of the reason I chose him. I didn't tell him I was sick. He was too wrapped up in himself to notice. Almost a month ago he went home. Two weeks before he left he broke it off with me. I'd had a few small seizures that I was able to gloss over for him during our relationship. I lied, I didn't want to have to explain and deal with pity or pretense. I ended up loving him, maybe it was the situation and my fear and general abundance of emotion but I love him. I let him go though considering the circumstances. He contacted me a few days after we broke up, wanted to hang out talked of being friends. I went over to his place and it was friendly. I ended up having a seizure much more severe and was taken to the hospital. He demanded to know what was really going on and I told him and explained my self. He was upset he never knew because he would have tried to make me feel loved and have given back instead of just taking from me. He stayed with me until the day he left. It was nice, beautiful, and sweet. But I knew he was doing it for my benefit. We talked for a few days after he left and he suddenly disappeared. Texting that he was really busy that day and we would talk later. He never messaged again. It's been two weeks. Really I can't blame him. I just don't know how to cope with losing him and my actions. I guess I shouldn't have expected anything. It still hurts though. Thank you too any one who read all that and I'm sorry for the length!
No Limit Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 He demanded to know what was really going on and I told him and explained my self. He was upset he never knew because he would have tried to make me feel loved and have given back instead of just taking from me. I was halfway through your post when the thought "How can someone be so cruel to someone like her and still face a mirror?", but this explains a lot. That reaction of his was just guilt. It's good you didn't tell him, it's better you give real love than receiving fakes. I don't think you'll ever hear from him again though. I'm sorry, and good luck for your surgery!
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