Are we too far gone?

[beautymadness23]

Hello. I'm Jen and new to this! Thanks for reading my story. <3

 

A bit of background. This is about my childs father, who I was with for 4 1/2 years. We were mostly on, but broke up a few times. I'm 23, he's 32. He's been my longer and most serious relationship. He is a good father and a good man. Makes good money. Very motivated, level-headed, laid back, strong, and doesn't give up. He takes care of his family and always tries to help when he can. Bad things? He is NOT good at expressing his emotions. (He tends to more thru being generous with his money.) He can be critical, stubborn, and likes things his way. He sometimes shuts down and avoids things due to them being too "serious" or "heavy" and can not handle any relationship pressure at all.

 

I am the opposite. Very sensitive, caring, compassionate, and more fragile you could say. I wear my heart on my sleeve, love deeply, and am very expressive. I sometimes pressure people when I really want something in a relationship and don't always know when to lay off. I'm very serious about relationships and don't handle loss or disappointment easily. I'm hard on myself and have high expectations in relationships. I also can become dependent.

 

Things I should change, I know. Working on it! Anyways, many of those differences, along with bad sex life, depression after our son came along, and other things led to our breakup in Nov. We've officially be broken up since Nov. He begged me to come back a month later, but I rejected him. I can tell that's burned him every since.

 

It was an extremely tough breakup. But I would say he took time to grieve and did some soul searching after the loss more than I did. I was the one who wanted out. I didn't really take time to think about what had happened and got back in another relationship after a month. We were together for 5 months and just recently broke up due to me having too much guilt when I cheated. More on that in a bit.

 

He finally found a way to let it go and started dating. He's been dating the same girl for a few months now. He likes her a lot. She is the exact opposite of me! Much more like him. Which is what he thought he wanted. He really likes her and cares about her a lot. They are still together, though he intends on breaking it off this week. More on that later as well.

 

A month ago I realized I was not over him. Something I should have addressed and worked on a long time ago. It bothered me a lot that him and his gf were together and spending time with out son and his girls. (My ex has two girls from his past marriage who I became step mom too.) I started to miss my old life, our family, the security, and comfort. We had a lot of problems, but we really loved each other and I felt safe, protected, and had the love of two girls who were not even my own. We were able to go out and do things and had a lot of opportunity because he made good money and had a flexible schedule, along with me being a stay at home mom. He make me a better person and helps me see life in a different way. He's and such an impact on my life and we have a passionate bond that I've never had with anyone else. I felt like I had it good and just gave up and checked out cause I was miserable as a stay at home mom and didn't have any fight in me left anymore. So after a heart to heart, we both admitted we still had feelings. He likes his gf, but he said she was not me and though she's more like him, he doesn't think he wants that. He loves so many things about me and thinks that i'm more the kind of woman he wants long term. But we didn't do anything about this. We left it at that.

 

Later on, we got together to discuss a visitation schedule for our son. I was still with my recent ex at the time and him with his girl. Well one thing led to another and we slept together. A few times. I tried to fight him and leave but the feelings were so strong, along with the passion that I succumbed. I cheated on my boyfriend twice. I ended up breaking if off with him, saying that I realized that I was not over my sons father and needed to focus on working thru that and that I couldn't do that with him in the picture because it would just end up hurting him.

 

My son's dad went away on a trip with his gf for a week and when he got back he told me he realized how much he missed me and our son and that he wanted to be a family again. He told me that he couldn't stop thinking about me while he was with his girl and told me the things that were missing and proclaimed his love, saying he was committed to making it work. I was so happy and relieved. I felt like I may had made a mistake or at least didn't realize what I had to begin with and was hoping we could maybe try again. I miss our family and want our life back.

 

So he said he was going to end it with his girl and then we could maybe start rebuilding. We've continued to date and see each other since he got back only because I know he's breaking it off. The sex is amazing, unlike before and we are connecting again. However...

 

Well his tune seemed to change some after he hung out a few times. He says he feels pressure and feels like there's all these expectations. He wants to try things again, but he doesn't want the same relationship we had before. Dependent and sucking the life out of each other. He wants to just date and start over. He said he wants to keep things casual. I mistakingly pressured him some since he got back and may have made him feel like we and a bunch of stuff to work on and we had to get back to the way we used to be. I didn't mean to. I miss what we had, but I know things have to change. I guess I was just so comfortable for so long and miss the good times that it's easy to slip back into old habits. Not necessarily bad, but habits nonetheless. He doesn't want that. He wants to start over and just focus on having fun for awhile and see where it goes. Fair enough.

 

Well I realized I was being too serious and needed to lighten up and just go with the flow. It's hard because of all of our history and it feels foreign starting over, as if we were never together. But I can tell that that's what he needs and i'm trying to do that.

 

He is still with his girl and is planning on breaking if off this week. I feel a lot of guilt, but have tried to let that go. Now I just feel insecure knowing she's still in the picture. I feel like he's dragging his feet a bit and he's made it clear that it'll be really hard because she's a good fit for him and he has feelings for her. She's lots of things that I am not and I worry that what pressure I may have put on him already is going to scare him off and making him back out of leaving her. I understand how he feels and know it wont' be easy, but i'm nervous that this won't work out and he'll realize that he has a good thing going with her and won't wanna end it after all.

 

We both want what's best for the kids and still love each other a lot. I believe we can make it work, though it may be hard. I'm willing to take it slow and back off to make him comfortable. We're very opposite, but i'm willing to do what it takes. I'm fighting of this. He was too, but seems unsure now and I feel some emotional distance.

 

Is this just him really trying to take it slow? Is there hope? Anyone else been in this situation? Help! Thank you.

Edited July 14, 2014 by beautymadness23

[thekid36]

Hello. I'm Jen and new to this! Thanks for reading my story. <3

 

A bit of background. This is about my childs father, who I was with for 4 1/2 years. We were mostly on, but broke up a few times. I'm 23, he's 32. He's been my longer and most serious relationship. He is a good father and a good man. Makes good money. Very motivated, level-headed, laid back, strong, and doesn't give up. He takes care of his family and always tries to help when he can. Bad things? He is NOT good at expressing his emotions. (He tends to more thru being generous with his money.) He can be critical, stubborn, and likes things his way. He sometimes shuts down and avoids things due to them being too "serious" or "heavy" and can not handle any relationship pressure at all.

 

I am the opposite. Very sensitive, caring, compassionate, and more fragile you could say. I wear my heart on my sleeve, love deeply, and am very expressive. I sometimes pressure people when I really want something in a relationship and don't always know when to lay off. I'm very serious about relationships and don't handle loss or disappointment easily. I'm hard on myself and have high expectations in relationships. I also can become dependent.

 

Things I should change, I know. Working on it! Anyways, many of those differences, along with bad sex life, depression after our son came along, and other things led to our breakup in Nov. We've officially be broken up since Nov. He begged me to come back a month later, but I rejected him. I can tell that's burned him every since.

 

It was an extremely tough breakup. But I would say he took time to grieve and did some soul searching after the loss more than I did. I was the one who wanted out. I didn't really take time to think about what had happened and got back in another relationship after a month. We were together for 5 months and just recently broke up due to me having too much guilt when I cheated. More on that in a bit.

 

He finally found a way to let it go and started dating. He's been dating the same girl for a few months now. He likes her a lot. She is the exact opposite of me! Much more like him. Which is what he thought he wanted. He really likes her and cares about her a lot. They are still together, though he intends on breaking it off this week. More on that later as well.

 

A month ago I realized I was not over him. Something I should have addressed and worked on a long time ago. It bothered me a lot that him and his gf were together and spending time with out son and his girls. (My ex has two girls from his past marriage who I became step mom too.) I started to miss my old life, our family, the security, and comfort. We had a lot of problems, but we really loved each other and I felt safe, protected, and had the love of two girls who were not even my own. We were able to go out and do things and had a lot of opportunity because he made good money and had a flexible schedule, along with me being a stay at home mom. He make me a better person and helps me see life in a different way. He's and such an impact on my life and we have a passionate bond that I've never had with anyone else. I felt like I had it good and just gave up and checked out cause I was miserable as a stay at home mom and didn't have any fight in me left anymore. So after a heart to heart, we both admitted we still had feelings. He likes his gf, but he said she was not me and though she's more like him, he doesn't think he wants that. He loves so many things about me and thinks that i'm more the kind of woman he wants long term. But we didn't do anything about this. We left it at that.

 

Later on, we got together to discuss a visitation schedule for our son. I was still with my recent ex at the time and him with his girl. Well one thing led to another and we slept together. A few times. I tried to fight him and leave but the feelings were so strong, along with the passion that I succumbed. I cheated on my boyfriend twice. I ended up breaking if off with him, saying that I realized that I was not over my sons father and needed to focus on working thru that and that I couldn't do that with him in the picture because it would just end up hurting him.

 

My son's dad went away on a trip with his gf for a week and when he got back he told me he realized how much he missed me and our son and that he wanted to be a family again. He told me that he couldn't stop thinking about me while he was with his girl and told me the things that were missing and proclaimed his love, saying he was committed to making it work. I was so happy and relieved. I felt like I may had made a mistake or at least didn't realize what I had to begin with and was hoping we could maybe try again. I miss our family and want our life back.

 

So he said he was going to end it with his girl and then we could maybe start rebuilding. We've continued to date and see each other since he got back only because I know he's breaking it off. The sex is amazing, unlike before and we are connecting again. However...

 

Well his tune seemed to change some after he hung out a few times. He says he feels pressure and feels like there's all these expectations. He wants to try things again, but he doesn't want the same relationship we had before. Dependent and sucking the life out of each other. He wants to just date and start over. He said he wants to keep things casual. I mistakingly pressured him some since he got back and may have made him feel like we and a bunch of stuff to work on and we had to get back to the way we used to be. I didn't mean to. I miss what we had, but I know things have to change. I guess I was just so comfortable for so long and miss the good times that it's easy to slip back into old habits. Not necessarily bad, but habits nonetheless. He doesn't want that. He wants to start over and just focus on having fun for awhile and see where it goes. Fair enough.

 

Well I realized I was being too serious and needed to lighten up and just go with the flow. It's hard because of all of our history and it feels foreign starting over, as if we were never together. But I can tell that that's what he needs and i'm trying to do that.

 

He is still with his girl and is planning on breaking if off this week. I feel a lot of guilt, but have tried to let that go. Now I just feel insecure knowing she's still in the picture. I feel like he's dragging his feet a bit and he's made it clear that it'll be really hard because she's a good fit for him and he has feelings for her. She's lots of things that I am not and I worry that what pressure I may have put on him already is going to scare him off and making him back out of leaving her. I understand how he feels and know it wont' be easy, but i'm nervous that this won't work out and he'll realize that he has a good thing going with her and won't wanna end it after all.

 

We both want what's best for the kids and still love each other a lot. I believe we can make it work, though it may be hard. I'm willing to take it slow and back off to make him comfortable. We're very opposite, but i'm willing to do what it takes. I'm fighting of this. He was too, but seems unsure now and I feel some emotional distance.

 

Is this just him really trying to take it slow? Is there hope? Anyone else been in this situation? Help! Thank you.

 

 

Hi, Jen! Welcome to the boards! There is a lot here that you happen to bring up. Let me try to go step-by-step. First of all, this does not sound like a horrible deadbeat that you are dealing with. The only thing is that just because someone is a good person does not mean he/she is the right partner for us. One of the things you suggest is that you have high expectations within relationships. This is not a bad thing at all. You want and deserve what is extraordinary. If this was not true, then you would most likely would have been much more content from the beginning. So, this is something to perhaps contemplate and consider.

 

 

It sounds as if there are definitely still strong feelings on both sides. The only difference is where you are both at in this point of time. You were perhaps hoping to jump back quickly into all the good that was once there while finding a whole lot more that is better. There really are no guidelines when it comes to getting back with someone. You both just have to do what feels best. You seem very willing to wait things out and are trying to be sensitive to his desires. This makes you a strong partner who is willing to compromise.

 

 

You are an incredibly passionate person and want to know what the next days are going to bring. He seems much more laid back and wants to take it all day-by-day. I am worried this difference may bring issues down the road for you. Maybe you can consider making a list of pros and cons so as to analyze and evaluate how you are feeling and what you are thinking even further. Only you can decide if the benefits are worth any problems which may come up.