I need to break this off, yes?

[waiting4u]

I've been dating this guy about a month / 6 wks and I rushed into sex with him, which has clouded my judgement considerably. He travels during the week and we've done a lot of talking on the phone / texting, and I think we have both been idealizing each other a bit. I've wanted it to work out because I feel comfortable around him and the sex is generally good, but we don't connect on an intellectual level, and my jealousy has caused a few problems lately.

 

I caught him on another dating website after he had told me he was taking his profile down, which started me thinking. Combine that with a lot of "player" rhetoric (future talk, love talk quite early on, etc) and I'm fairly certain he gets involved with women for the thrill.

 

Saturday night after dinner he took me to a dance studio for a party. It's a type of brazilian dance that is very sexy, and he's been taking some lessons there with an attractive, single blonde girl. I didn't want to go because I had a bad feeling about it, but he said we could leave whenever I wanted. I spent much of the time there (maybe 45 minutes) either: 1) watching him dance with the blonde (who he later admitted he'd been out on dates with); or 2) watching him watch the girl with obvious desire written all over his face.

 

After we left he chastised me for not wanting to stay longer, and I blatantly said that I didn't like engaging in the two aforementioned activities and I wasn't at a point (we are not exclusive yet) where I felt comfortable watching him put his hands all over a girl he was likely interested in, and that I found it hurtful. He said I "wasn't making sense" and I was "bad at fighting." He said that he was not watching the girl, but her partner, so he could learn dance moves, and the fact that I couldn't admit that was the reason I was "bad at fighting" and "not making sense."

 

After the fight, his demeanor toward me changed for the rest of the weekend. He scaled back considerably on his player-esque declarations of devotion and future-talk suggestions of vacations, etc. and didn't pin me down for the following night. Also, today he is traveling again - he says to see his "doctor" in another city (there are doctors in this city as well ffs). I honestly think he is gong there to see a woman.

 

I feel like my jealousy is maybe getting carried away, but from the beginning his words / actions have been suspect - the online site - his phone buzzing with texts all the time that he doesn't answer when we're together, - the rhetoric that screams player - Couple that with opposing political viewpoints, some quasi-racist comments that have come out of his mouth, and a general lack of anything in common outside of the bedroom, then it's sort of obvious this is never going to work, yes?

 

I feel like I should decisively break it off, but for some reason I'm reluctant to - part of me wants it to work out somehow. I'm tired of dating and want a boyfriend - or at least regular sex. Can I leave the door open and continue to sleep with him? Should I tell him exactly why I'm breaking it off? Just ignore his calls and texts until he gets the idea?

 

Please no "I told you so" comments. I know a lot of you said this was doomed from the start. I've become a bit emotionally attached and it's tough to close the door on this one. I should add that I'm not sure why my jealousy is so bad here - it's just a gut feeling that something's off.

Edited July 14, 2014 by waiting4u

[mammasita]

Oh yes be done with him. He is SO not right!

 

He doesn't make you feel good, why do you want to deal with that? Even if you keep this Mr. Wrong around just for sex, you're not allowing yourself to be available to the RIGHT man when he comes along because you'll be emotionally closed off whether you think so or not......but I think you realize it.

 

RIP THE BANDAID OFF!!!!!!!! You can do this!

[waiting4u]

Really? I mean that was complete crap hitting on that girl in front of me, yes? Should I do the slow fade or just outright tell him why.

[regine_phalange]

Look at you, invalidating your negative emotions, and thinking about settling with someone who you know isn't right for you. Stay with him if you don't mind him doing whatever he feels like and without any concern about how you may feel. If you want a good quality man though, let him go with a polite and truthful explanation.

[Zahara]

I feel like I should decisively break it off, but for some reason I'm reluctant to - part of me wants it to work out somehow.

 

Takes two to work things out. Your intent alone isn't good enough to work on a relationship that doesn't seem to have a shared agenda.

 

I'm tired of dating and want a boyfriend - or at least regular sex.

 

Tired of dating and wanting a boyfriend doesn't mean you settle or accept less than you deserve.

 

Can I leave the door open and continue to sleep with him?

 

No. You said you have become a bit emotionally attached. Sleeping with him will magnify that bond even more.

 

Should I tell him exactly why I'm breaking it off? Just ignore his calls and texts until he gets the idea?

 

Tell him but expect him to try and change your decision. If you're 100% sure that's what you want to do then tell him.

 

I would feel the same way if a guy I was into took me to a dance studio and had me sit and watch him sashay on the dance floor with some hot blonde -- that he's been out on dates with! Reminds me of that scene in Along Came Polly!

[mammasita]

Really? I mean that was complete crap hitting on that girl in front of me, yes? Should I do the slow fade or just outright tell him why.

I dont think you owe him any explanation but at least just say "I dont think this is working for me" and leave it at that.

[waiting4u]

I would feel the same way if a guy I was into took me to a dance studio and had me sit and watch him sashay on the dance floor with some hot blonde -- that he's been out on dates with! Reminds me of that scene in Along Came Polly!

 

Thank you! He really did a good job making me feel like it was all in my head - which I felt was sort of crazymaking - like he wasn't providing affirmation for how I felt about the situation - just telling me that I shouldn't be feeling that way.

[Imajerk17]

What, you mean you don't enjoy it when the guy you are on a date with, is dancing with other girls, whom he is clearly into, instead of focusing his attention on you?! The nerve of you!

 

/sarcasmFont

 

Please end it with him waiting4u. This is one of the most cut-and-dry threads on here in a while.

[Zahara]

Thank you! He really did a good job making me feel like it was all in my head - which I felt was sort of crazymaking - like he wasn't providing affirmation for how I felt about the situation - just telling me that I shouldn't be feeling that way.

 

It's called gaslighting. He made you doubt yourself and feel like you were in the wrong, when he clearly acted inappropriately.

[GemmaUK]

"bad at fighting."

 

I don't like the sound of this at all.

 

I don;t like the sound of your night out either and he seemed to first say it would be OK to leave and then it actually wasn't?

 

I (with just dating) find it easier to say it's over.

Explanations can complicate things.

 

If you are not happy to be his fun when he is in town then stop this.

If you are happy to be his fun and yours when he is in and you feel you can ditch your emotional attachment then do that if you want to.

 

Mostly, trust your own instinct.

This is why it's there.

To get you out of potential trouble.

What would you tell your sister/closest friend if she told you the whole story about this guy?

Do what you would tell her. It makes this an easy choice to take 'off' your shoulders if you can separate yourself...if you get me.

[GemmaUK]

It's called gaslighting. He made you doubt yourself and feel like you were in the wrong, when he clearly acted inappropriately.

 

Ah! So that is what gaslighting means!

 

Oh boy! I've been there!

[CarrieT]

Can I leave the door open and continue to sleep with him?

 

Why would you want to? There are enough other guys out there who are so slimy if you just want to get laid.

 

Just ignore his calls and texts until he gets the idea?

No. Be polite and just explain that you want different things and it isn't working for you.

[BlueIris]

Every minute spent with “feels icky” person is taken away from finding “feels good” person.

Just tell him it isn’t working.

[MikeyBe]

This guy is a casual sex partner, nothing more.

 

If you think it will become more, this guy will string you along until you're emotionally stretched out.

 

 

Don't be a mark or at least, don't lie to yourself about it.

[waiting4u]

Well I told him it wasn't working out for me. I hope I've made the right decision. All logical markers point to "yes," but I don't feel very good about it. I generally feel awful, really.

[Diezel]

Please no "I told you so" comments.

 

 

Here's the thing... if you already know people are going to say "I told you so", then the thread subject is not really a question, it needs to be a statement and a declaration of freedom on your behalf.

 

You already know the answer.

[Zahara]

Well I told him it wasn't working out for me. I hope I've made the right decision. All logical markers point to "yes," but I don't feel very good about it. I generally feel awful, really.

 

Of course you feel awful because it isn't what you hoped and expected.

 

Of course you feel awful because you're emotionally attached to him and you have to cut that cord.

 

Now, these feelings you have are temporary. The feelings you will have being with him and being constantly disappointed by him will be an indefinite and painful "awful".

[SparklingandBroken]

You made the right decision! 100%

[Leigh 87]

Really? I mean that was complete crap hitting on that girl in front of me, yes? Should I do the slow fade or just outright tell him why.

 

 

 

 

He was into another girl in front of you! And worse, he INSULTED YOU by lying about it and expecting you were stupid enough to believe him:(

 

 

When a guy is into you, he only has eyes for you. My own boyfriend only had eyes on me from day one, he literally lost interest in eyeing off other women, browsing other women online, or anything women related that was not to do with ME.

 

This guy said he was really into you and FEIGNED being smitten but he IS NOT smitten; had he not lied about his feeling for you and gone slower and more accurately represented his feelings then there is still hope when a man isn't instantly gobsmacked by you - you know, the fact he obviously sees other women and was into the hot blonde can be acceptable at he start except this guy LIED and acted REALLY INTO YOU when he was DEFINATELY insincere!

 

As I said. Had he not declared how into you he is was, spent every day with you, and just gave off the signs he was into you prematurely, it could have worked out if he was HONEST.

 

The HONEST truth is; you have not captured him in the way in which he carried on about, because if he went nuts over you he wouldn't be openly into other women in front of you. You were NOT overreacting, he WAS totally into that girl, we are not STUPID and we can smell it a MILE AWAY when a guy is getting into another woman:sick:

 

Please stop being so silly and naïve. I am a bit disappointed in you, you sound like such a lovely woman and you look stunning in your avatar! You can do SO much better than buying the crap this slime ball throws at you!

 

YOU SHOULD KNOW better, waiting4u!

 

 

 

 

 

NO slow fade, no nothing! Just wait until he next gets into contact with you and then say " look, we are not on the same page, I don't want to take things further. I don't wish to carry on a friendship or maintain contact with you. I wish you the best xxx"

 

Leave NO window for him to crawl back.....

[waiting4u]

Second-guessing myself (I miss him). Still struggling with this - feel free to verbally smack me upside the head. He texted today and wants to talk. I told him to call me when he was ready to commit to one woman. I'm thinking further communication is a bad idea . . .

 

A lot of this grew out of our original exclusivity talk, in which he basically said he wasn't sure that I was "The One" and skirted the issue. Then I guess we both decided we would date other people but not tell each other about it, which I am NOT okay with (but didn' t say so). He told me that in the past he has slept with more than one girl at the same time (he said "what can I say? I'm a jerk") and he comes off as an adrenaline junkie needing affirmation all of the time.

 

I mean, he's a player undoubtedly. There's no possible way way I could be just overly jealous and imagining this?

[Zahara]

He texted today and wants to talk. I told him to call me when he was ready to commit to one woman. I'm thinking further communication is a bad idea . . .

 

I'm not sure why you're still entertaining this idiot. He disrespected you on your last date and if after a month of dating he's already pulling crap behavior on you, this one should be a done deal.

 

A lot of this grew out of our original exclusivity talk, in which he basically said he wasn't sure that I was "The One" and skirted the issue.

 

So, in a month, he went from "if we are together for the next 20 years" to not being sure if you're The One. Do you see the insanity?

 

Then I guess we both decided we would date other people but not tell each other about it, which I am NOT okay with (but didn' t say so).

 

Of course you didn't say so because you'll twist yourself into a pretzel to have this man accept you. Undermining your boundaries and values just so he'll stay with you. What happens a year into your relationship when he's busting every boundary and you're reduced to literally nothing because you didn't want to "say so". Cut this crap off now.

 

He told me that in the past he has slept with more than one girl at the same time (he said "what can I say? I'm a jerk") and he comes off as an adrenaline junkie needing affirmation all of the time.

 

Ever heard of the saying -- When someone tells you who they are, believe them. He's openly telling you. He's given you tons of signs. This is the issue with us. We'll get slapped with all sorts of red flags. Then when we're beaten to a pulp, we cry, "Why did he do this to me?"

 

I mean, he's a player undoubtedly. There's no possible way way I could be just overly jealous and imagining this?

 

Stop questioning your judgment. You keep doubting yourself because in your mind you want to justify his behavior as acceptable. And if that is the case, maybe there is no reason to end it. Stop.

[starrynightz45]

Thank you! He really did a good job making me feel like it was all in my head - which I felt was sort of crazymaking - like he wasn't providing affirmation for how I felt about the situation - just telling me that I shouldn't be feeling that way.

 

And that's what players do. He took you out on a "date" and made you watch as he danced with a woman he has been out on dates with. Yea, you're not wrong. Not even 1%

[waiting4u]

Okay my hand is slowly moving towards the "block" button on Facebook. Ugh.

 

This thread should be a huge This is what happens when you sleep with a guy on the third date warning to women. Sex makes you emotionally involved even if there is no logical reason at all to be.

[Zahara]

Okay my hand is slowly moving towards the "block" button on Facebook. Ugh.

 

This thread should be a huge This is what happens when you sleep with a guy on the third date warning to women. Sex makes you emotionally involved even if there is no logical reason at all to be.

 

Block him. You really have nothing to lose. He's cute but nothing much on the inside.

[BlueIris]

Think of this bad feeling you’re having as a hangover. You’ll feel better as the days go on and you clear it out of your system. And you’ll probably never do it again! That’s the win. Hang in there and stay away from this user. He made you feel bad too often.