bluerobin Posted February 21, 2005 Posted February 21, 2005 Hello... I have been divorced for about 4 years now after 30 years of marriage. I started dating about 7 months ago. I did not date before I got married so I am really kind of new at it. I met someone about 3 months ago and I really like him very much. He is very kind to me and compliments me so much..... something that I am not used to. He talks about us spending the rest of or life together and tells me that he loves me.....I feel that I love him also. Here is my delema..... After dating for a couple weeks he started telling me about how he did this or went here with the different girls that he dated. He moved to the area about 7 years ago and made friends mostly by dating I guess, so most of the memories of living here were from the women that he dated. I have told him that this bothers me, but he continues to talk about them. He is very friendly and I think that women just naturally like him. I know that he has no romantic feelings for them. The thing that bothers me the most is that he is still friends with a few of them. He told me that he wanted to be exclusive and only date me. There are times that he will go to a movie or coffe with one of them as 'friends'..... I believe him, but it still causes me great distress. He tries to understand me, but he just doe's not understand why it is a problem. He will even see someone who I know still likes him and he says that he doesn't care because he has no romantic feelings for her. I said that it wasn't fair to her or I to continue to see her. At least he will only see her over coffee instead of a movie like he used to. He has girls that are 'buddies' and he will go to hockey games with or things like that. I try to work this out in my head, but I always get upset inside or even outwardly when it comes up. I believe him in my head.... but in my emotions I can't feel like I believe it. I get a very jeleous feeling inside. I truely care deeply for him and I want things to work out.[font=times new roman][/font][/b]
Sckott Posted February 21, 2005 Posted February 21, 2005 I have an ex-girlfriend who is now married and we get along great as friends. In fact, in my last breakup, she was very helpful at cheering me up when I was down. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with having an ex for a friend, but it's something that's very rare. One thing that may not change is the jelousy feeling, which in new love, is very understandable. If these feelings are strong, you may want to sit him down and talk to him about it. Either the jelousy will need to be worked on through trust and one-on-ones, he may want to spend more time with you - or both. It's not good to ask someone to change. It's better to confront this feeling with him? Truthfully though, if I liked a woman enough, I'm sure my "ex" wouldn't mind if I focused more on her. In fact, most women would totally understand that, right?
st8toftheheart Posted February 21, 2005 Posted February 21, 2005 Well I am in a similar position. I have many female friends and continue to have coffee and go out with them for dinner and drinks etc. One of which, there was a potential for a relationship that never transpired. Oddly enough I had trouble dealing with her free spirit past so that relationship wasn't going to work, but we have remained very close friends. My current girlfriend knows this, and for the most part she accepts it and trusts that I love her and I would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. But if she did have a problem with it, I would do my best to ensure she felt secure. But the question is where do you draw the line. Its a slippery slope. Is it possible you don't feel secure enough in the relationship? With yourself? If he is going to wander off and be with those other women in ways you find unacceptable, is he really worth that much to worry about?
blind_otter Posted February 21, 2005 Posted February 21, 2005 I have run into this problem, from the other side - as I have almost all male friends. I make sure to distinguish right up fron whether I am interested in them or not. It is a bit controlling to force someone to not hang out with people they would like to hang out with, especially early in the relationship. It would be a deal breaker for me.
st8toftheheart Posted February 21, 2005 Posted February 21, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter It is a bit controlling to force someone to not hang out with people they would like to hang out with, especially early in the relationship. It would be a deal breaker for me. This is true. All depends on where the relationship is at, at the time. At the same time, if you have decided to be exclusive and just asked the other person to lay off awhile until they felt more secure, that may be a reasonable comprise. As long as there is an end in sight.
Author bluerobin Posted February 21, 2005 Author Posted February 21, 2005 Thank you so much for the input . I need all of the help that i can get...... I care so much and I truely believe that he cares for me. I don't want to be this way with him. We have other problems that are kinda in the way..... maybe not as hard to deal with.
blind_otter Posted February 21, 2005 Posted February 21, 2005 Originally posted by bluerobin Thank you so much for the input . I need all of the help that i can get...... I care so much and I truely believe that he cares for me. I don't want to be this way with him. We have other problems that are kinda in the way..... maybe not as hard to deal with. Maybe not....are you using the jealousy issue to distract you from the other problems? It's easy to get carried away in the beginning.
Author bluerobin Posted February 22, 2005 Author Posted February 22, 2005 There is another problem of a little more personal nature and that is that I don't know if we can ever be intimate. He has a problem with impotence. I Really care for him dispite this problem, and yet this may pose a different kind of a problem. I feel like I am just like his other freinds in a way.
Recommended Posts