A Note to the Betrayed, From a Cheater

[Redhighheelz]

I am writing this in hopes it might at least help one betrayed spouse/partner of a cheater who is currently browsing this site looking for some sort of answers, clarity or comfort in their situation. You’ve probably heard the “it’s not about you, it’s about them” statement a few times in trying to understand why your partner cheated. It is VERY difficult to begin to believe that. I imagine you question yourself and think if only you were X, Y or Z or did something different or better that your partner would not have strayed. Perhaps your partner even tells you that as an excuse or justification. However, it is not true. I have cheated before and want to provide you with the two main reasons that I did it. These are not justifications because when it comes down to it I realize there is absolutely NO justification for cheating.

 

1. I became obsessed with the thrill, attention and feeling I got from it. If you can think back to when you were first with your partner or any partner and you felt those addictive feelings of falling in love or craving to be around someone. I was selfish and I loved these feelings.

 

2. I thought I would never get caught. I DID think about my partner and feel tremendous guilt but that was not strong enough to outweigh the thrill and the addiction of it. I was careful and figured that this made me happy and I could get it out of my system and forget about it.

 

I have seen many times on this site that people claim that they did not intend to get into an affair or to cheat but that it just kind of happened. They claim they got closer with someone, felt the connection and BAM it happened but god forbid it was not there intent so it is somehow better. Sure, this is a possibility but I think this is RARELY the case. My biggest instance of cheating was one I absolutely saw coming. I met a man and was extremely attracted to him and I knew if we became closer it would be dangerous. There were the ideas of thinking perhaps he wouldn’t like me, wouldn’t want to get involved in that kind of a situation, etc. However, I still made active choices to get to know him, spend time with him and of course the sparks flew. Cheating does not occur over night. Unless some stranger came up and randomly kissed your partner, then perhaps your partner did little wrong. However, this is never really the case. Your cheating partner made active steps toward this and will likely try to minimize them to you.

 

The most important thing that I want to say, which is what I started with, that it is not about you. We live in a world of selfishness where we like to make everything about ourselves. We think we have the power to change people and situations. We don’t. I can honestly say that my cheating was not about my partner at all. Sure, I had complaints minor and some large about him and the relationship but by no means did they give me adequate justification to cheat. I did so for the aforementioned reasons and in a very selfish manner. I know those reading these threads are often very hurt and are in attack mode. You’re welcome to attack me if you want for what I did. I do feel extreme guilt but I wanted to share my understanding with those who have been betrayed that it is truly not about you. Your partner has a desire for the chase, a need for love, a need for attention, a need for secrecy, a need for variety—something that made them decide this was okay for them to do. It really isn’t about you. If you want to stay with them you have to understand that and let them fix themselves and their own self-esteem and understand why they did it. Do NOT let them blame you or justify your actions as a reason to cheat.

[thekid36]

I just wanted to say that it takes a lot of strength to come out here and mention this. It is not easy for us to admit when we are wrong. So many fail to take responsibility for what consequences come to us. So, it is really refreshing to read all of what you have to say. None of us are close to perfect and anyone who would even choose to judge you does not deserve to wear the robe.

 

 

My ex cheated on me multiple times. I did question myself repeatedly as to what would have made things go differently. Now, I realize that she chose to take the cowardly way out of what was not an ideal situation. I definitely will not forget what actions she decided to take. What I have slowly learned to do though is forgive.

 

 

There is nothing at all wrong about changing your mind about someone. Nor, is there anything bad about wanting to be happy. Sometimes, we all need to be a little selfish when it comes to this. The issue at hand here is how one deals with this fact when in a relationship with someone. The partner you are with is always a person and should be treated with some sort of respect.

Edited July 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Cleaned up formatting and removed quote

[HereNorThere]

Thank you for sharing and I hope you use your capacity for empathy and introspection to do something good for world in the future. It takes a big person to admit that they're responsible for their actions, so I applaud your bravery.

[dichotomy]

There was some definite introspection and wisdom there - selfishness, wanting to make yourself happy, doing what you feel like doing, minimal guilt at first(at least compared to other feelings)....sometimes affairs are not about anything with the BS or the marriage... but a weakness in the WS. This was the case for my WS.

 

However, there are many stories here about cheating, and sometimes a poor or bad marriage contributes to a weakness and then bad choice (cheating over leaving or fixing the bad marriage).

Edited July 14, 2014 by dichotomy

[HermioneG]

I am writing this in hopes it might at least help one betrayed spouse/partner of a cheater who is currently browsing this site looking for some sort of answers, clarity or comfort in their situation.<snip>

 

This rocks. Thank you for sharing.

Edited July 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote

[Davey L]

Thank you. Many of us that have been betrayed are, I think, looking for the answer as to "why?". We want to get inside the head of the betrayer, try to understand what was wrong, what made them do it, what they think of their wife/husband, and all that.

 

 

If we get answers to our questions we are never sure if our spouses are being truthful, or what is really going on in their minds.

 

 

Stories like this really help. It helps to know that there is nothing wrong with me. That our spouse is not an evil person, just maybe a bit selfish and/or cowardly, just a normal human, a bit flawed in some ways like most of us in some way or another really, deserving of a little forgiveness at times.

[SammySammy]

Wow. That was a very good post and it's so true.

 

OP, I thank you and honor you for having the strength of character to be honest about cheating and to try to help others in the process. I hope this helps you and others to heal.

[drifter777]

...You’ve probably heard the “it’s not about you, it’s about them” statement a few times in trying to understand why your partner cheated....

 

1. I became obsessed with the thrill, attention and feeling I got from it. If you can think back to when you were first with your partner or any partner and you felt those addictive feelings of falling in love or craving to be around someone. I was selfish and I loved these feelings.

 

2. I thought I would never get caught. I DID think about my partner and feel tremendous guilt but that was not strong enough to outweigh the thrill and the addiction of it. I was careful and figured that this made me happy and I could get it out of my system and forget about it.

...

I have heard this "it's not you, it's me" crap often enough that I am convinced that cheaters really do believe this to be true. I think its because a cheaters mind cannot accept that what they did was despicably cruel so they convince themselves that they had no intention of hurting their partner. That was just collateral damage. They just had to satisfy their needs for attention and to be desired by someone new. They needed the thrill of the dangerous liaisons and sneaking around, and pure lust. In the part I bolded, above, I want to draw your attention to what this means in real life. This is where the cheater weighs their husband against this new, exciting man and decides that they would rather screw this new guy. The husband just doesn't measure up to all the attention, compliments, and sheer excitement that this other man is offering. You believe you won't get caught - but that thought is not about saving your husband from the hurt of finding out about it - its so you can keep cheating. You are cake-eating. You are loving the emotional and physical relationship with some other man while at the same time enjoying some level of security with your husband. How much more perfect could your world be? So when you make the decision that the relationship with this OM is more important than staying true to your husband, it becomes all about him. You are actively rejecting him. He is not as "good" as this OM in some areas and those areas are important enough to you that you will risk your marriage. You will risk emotionally destroying him because he doesn't measure up to the wonderful relationship with OM. He works; he farts; he makes dirty clothes; he doesn't drool all over you when your together. He thinks he's your life partner, not a boyfriend. He can't compete with OM when it comes to sweet talking and being understanding and whatever else that man has to do to get into your pants. He's just a regular man.

 

Don't say it's not about your BH because its a great deal about him. He isn't as fun and exciting as the new guy, so it's on with you and OM. Besides, what he doesn't know can't hurt him - right?

Edited July 14, 2014 by drifter777

[No Limit]

Not going to say it's bad that you posted but to be honest, I knew all of that already. Haven't been in a relationship yet but knowing all that will sure make it easier to kick a cheating BF to the curb.

[jnel921]

Selfishness is only a part of it. I beleive there may be a touch of evil. Who does that to someone they claim to love? I heard the same BS. I've always loved you...blah blah blah...

 

You see love would have brought my H's a$$ home that night. Everything else that came out his mouth was excuse.

 

He was wrong, it was Wong and he crossed the line. Part of our R is just me reconciling how I feel about this.

[changchewsoon]

I applaud you for having the courage to post this, your #1 and #2 was the exact same words shared by my ex when I caught her cheating.

 

So I guess there is after all a certain pattern that we can use to profile a person who cheats.

 

Having said so, I hope and I am sure you are working towards in becoming a better person, and you will be.

 

I wish nothing but the the best to you and hopefully in your next relationship you will be able to stay happy.

[Hope Shimmers]

There is not just ONE answer as to why people cheat. WAY too simplistic, from just one person's perspective.

 

I didn't cheat because I wanted the 'excitement', or the 'illicit feelings' or the 'high' or because I wanted the attention or the sex. I cheated because I was lied to, led to believe there was a real relationship, then when I realized it was all a lie, it I was too stupid and "in love" to get myself out of it. And it ruined more than a decade of my life.

[snappytomcat]

oh hope,you are one of my heros,you are so strong and wise

[thummper]

<snip>

 

2. I thought I would never get caught. I DID think about my partner and feel tremendous guilt but that was not strong enough to outweigh the thrill and the addiction of it. I was careful and figured that this made me happy and I could get it out of my system and forget about it.

 

<snip>

 

And DID you get caught, or are you still playing Russian roulette with your marriage?

Edited July 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote

[Redhighheelz]

This post is not about me or my situation. All reasons and cheating experiences vary like anything in life. I was never married and no I am not cheating. It was for the reasons I said. I am actually very educated, put together and beautiful yet that doesn't mean I cant fall victim to being part of a cheating pair. Cheating crosses all educational levels, income levels, beauty lines, ages... it is an equal opportunity offender.

 

Also, I have recognized a few of you to point out that this may be a simplistic response or that it was not the same in your situation. Of course there are instances where people get involved for other reasons or stay for selfish reasons. Perhaps this describes the person you cheated with more than you? It is not a one size fits all shoe-- nor is anything in life or on this website. NC may be a great tactic for most but not all (there are success stories that required NC not to occur)... and the grass might actually be greener for some! There are always exceptions.

 

I did not post to be attacked or to defend myself or to hear about the outliers. Sure, cheating as are most things very dynamic and often involving various components. At its core though I stand by that it it is usually not about the betrayed. The betrayed could have done many things different or been a better partner but regardless of that the cheater still made a choice. Love is a choice and so is cheating.

[GoBlue]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I have dealt with couples who have gone through an affair both as a Pastor and in my current position. The betrayed often want to know "why" and have a hard time letting go of that question. We are fallen people who live with the flesh at the center of our existence. That doesn't mean that everyone cheats but everyone does express their selfishness in one way or another. I rejoice in the redemption I have found personally from the forgiveness of God. Without His presence in my life I would have a very hard time choosing positive behavior. Blessings to all.

[harrybrown]

I do agree that love is a choice and so is cheating.

 

But I still feel that cheating is not a good choice.

 

You can D or leave before cheating and not blow up some 37 year marriage.

 

Now it is like a life sentence. Too old to even care anymore.

 

But some days it still hurts like hell. Just not a good day today.

[nightmare01]

redhighheelz.

 

Thank you for your post. Its refreshing to hear of a WS that gets it.

 

The whole *reasons* for cheating can become kind of a trap IMO.

 

SOME WS dont want to take responsibility for what they did. Or they want to maintain a self image (or a public one) that they are a GOOD person and so must have been forced into making a bad decision.

 

IMO trying to avoid blame is a natural part of the human condition. When I was a child and I did something wrong I would try and lay the blame on one of my siblings. My kids did this too. I think trying to avoid blame is just something all people do.

 

On the BS side its a little odd. Because actually accepting blame can give a BS a (false) sense of control. For example if a WW says that she cheated because her BH worked too much. Then that BH may think that if he spends more time at home then he can prevent his WW from cheating again. Not true of course. But many you can see how that idea might form in a BS mind.

[drifter777]

I did not post to be attacked or to defend myself or to hear about the outliers. Sure, cheating as are most things very dynamic and often involving various components. At its core though I stand by that it it is usually not about the betrayed. The betrayed could have done many things different or been a better partner but regardless of that the cheater still made a choice. Love is a choice and so is cheating.

I did not and do not intend to attack you as a person. I strongly disagree with your premise. Your affair was about how you felt about your husband, your marriage, your life choices. Whatever temptations you allowed to lead you into another man's bed might be, the core is that you wanted someone other than your husband. To say that cheating is not about the BS is part of your denial - and insulting to most of us. Not a personal attack, just shining a light on real life for you.

[Redhighheelz]

I did not and do not intend to attack you as a person. I strongly disagree with your premise. Your affair was about how you felt about your husband, your marriage, your life choices. Whatever temptations you allowed to lead you into another man's bed might be, the core is that you wanted someone other than your husband. To say that cheating is not about the BS is part of your denial - and insulting to most of us. Not a personal attack, just shining a light on real life for you.

 

I did not come to talk about my own situation. I never said I was ever married. I never even said if it was emotional or physical cheating. I had this experience with many great men I have dated. I have always had the urge to look elsewhere or enjoy the company or attention from many men. It was not about him-- you could replace him with any other bloke and because of my personality and my attention seeking I would have done the same thing to someone else. I say it is not about him in the sense that no matter what he did, it does not justify my cheating. I made the choice to cheat.

[HermioneG]

I did not and do not intend to attack you as a person. I strongly disagree with your premise. Your affair was about how you felt about your husband, your marriage, your life choices. Whatever temptations you allowed to lead you into another man's bed might be, the core is that you wanted someone other than your husband. To say that cheating is not about the BS is part of your denial - and insulting to most of us. Not a personal attack, just shining a light on real life for you.

 

Gently, I am part of real life, a BS, same as you, and I completely disagree with you, as do many psychologists.

 

As Frank Pittman says in his book, Private Lies, infidelity isn't personal. It's not a marital issue. It's a personal issue for the wayward.

 

It is okay to disagree with the OP- but please don't dismiss the insight as categorically untrue. It matches up with my experience, and with the experience of many others. Are there exceptions? Yes. But exceptions don't composite the rule.

[SammySammy]

I did not come to talk about my own situation. I never said I was ever married. I never even said if it was emotional or physical cheating. I had this experience with many great men I have dated. I have always had the urge to look elsewhere or enjoy the company or attention from many men. It was not about him-- you could replace him with any other bloke and because of my personality and my attention seeking I would have done the same thing to someone else. I say it is not about him in the sense that no matter what he did, it does not justify my cheating. I made the choice to cheat.

 

What you're saying couldn't be more clear.

 

Some people enjoy being victims. They enjoy being able to say "look at what this person did to me" and "I have the right to wallow in misery forever because of it". When you take away their victim status, you also take away the tickets to the pity party. And they don't like that.

 

What you're saying is true though. A cheater's decisions and actions are theirs alone. Any blaming, justification or victimization belie that ultimate truth. At the most basic level, the cheating is not about them whether they accept it or not.

[drifter777]

I say it is not about him in the sense that no matter what he did, it does not justify my cheating. I made the choice to cheat.

Saying this - that what he did or didn't do does not justify cheating - is easy for me to understand and accept. But in addition to this you seem to be saying something like "no matter what he did or didn't do, I cheated because I wanted to. I didn't do it to intentionally hurt him". I think I can understand this, too. However, believing this is denial. Even from a non-judgmental perspective I will argue that this "it's not about him - its about me" demonstrates an inability to empathize with your BH. You did not "wrong" the OM and you did not "wrong" yourself. You guys had a great time - at least for a while. You wronged your husband (or committed SO) in the worst possible way. He is the person you chose to betray and the one who will suffer from your decision to cheat. And when you made that decision you demonstrated - by your actions - that you didn't care about him or his feelings. It hurts when my WW says anything like this to me because it proves that she will never understand how I feel because of her decision to cheat. To be this insensitive to me and our family is in and of itself a cruel stab into my heart. Not about me?

 

What you're saying couldn't be more clear.

 

Some people enjoy being victims. They enjoy being able to say "look at what this person did to me" and "I have the right to wallow in misery forever because of it". When you take away their victim status, you also take away the tickets to the pity party. And they don't like that.

 

What you're saying is true though. A cheater's decisions and actions are theirs alone. Any blaming, justification or victimization belie that ultimate truth. At the most basic level, the cheating is not about them whether they accept it or not.

In an earlier post you said something like "I've never been cheated on and I'm here on LS to try to learn more about this infidelity thing" - words to this effect. So the obvious response to your insensitive post is that you don't understand what its like to be a betrayed partner and you never will - until it happens to you.

Edited July 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[SammySammy]

In an earlier post you said something like "I've never been cheated on and I'm here on LS to try to learn more about this infidelity thing" - words to this effect. So the obvious response to your insensitive post is that you don't understand what its like to be a betrayed partner and you never will - until it happens to you.

 

That's true. As far as I know, I've never been cheated on.

 

However, that doesn't change what's true about infidelity.

 

I think you need to learn to separate causes and effects. The OP is talking about the REASONS she or anyone else may have cheated. She never said the cheating had no EFFECT on her mate.

 

Yes, we can recognize that you were betrayed. We can recognize and empathize with your pain. We can recognize that you have to pick up the pieces and move forward with your life.

 

All of those things are true. You've been blindsided, hurt and have to deal with the aftermath of the cheating. That's true. It's also true that the reason she cheated was not about you.

 

We're talking about two different things. The OP is talking about the causes of cheating. You're talking about the effects of cheating. Yes, they are interrelated, but still different sides of the same coin.

Edited July 15, 2014 by MidKnightDreams

[violet1]

Great thread OP. I strongly agree with you. I was a WW, currently in R with my H. My affair had nothing to do with my H. I was broken inside and didn't know how to cope with my marital problems in a healthy manner. I was unhappy in every aspect of my life. There was NOTHING my H could have done to change that. It's taken time, but I'm learning to love myself and to find happiness within. In return, things are getting better in my M. In my experience and opinion, you can't be happy in a relationship when you're not happy with yourself.