TheNewMe2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 I've been in a wonderful relationship for the last almost six months now. We are definitely getting closer, but she's very slow. But that's ok. I'm perfectly fine with it. I know the other day she asked one of our best friends if I could be 'for real' as laid back and go with the flow that I am. Our friend told her 'yes'. I had told our mutual friend previously, though, that my kids frustrate me at times and I need to be more patient with them..it's the kind of man I want to me to my kids as a dad, as well as being as presented..always relaxed (which I am, except for the kids...who I do adore). So, yesterday, I spent a day with our friend and my kids were with me. I was pretty relaxed for the most part - played some car games with them, took care of their needs. But one time (super hot out and we are all on edge) - I got upset with my son for sitting on his food (didn't yell at him, just got frustrated and let it be known). My friend, who I talked to later, brought it up and said 'dad, relax let those things go...almost texted you about it'. I said I didn't think it was huge deal - he's 10. She said, she knew..but was helping me let those things go as I had talked about. We spent the rest of the day with her and her boyfriend..and my kids. No real incidents...let the kids play in the water, adults talked. I do believe in the kids behaving and would mind them to listen to the adults, not fight with each other, and stopped them from eating a ton of junk food. I guess I did get frustrated once when kids squirted us with the hose after being warned several times (it was just them being careless and not paying attention to what they were doing). I texted her that evening when I got home and thanked her for the hospitality and kids had a great time. SHe said no problem. She also said that her bf wanted to invite everyone over again. So, my concern (because I'm paranoid..and need talking down) - my friend and my girlfriend are very good friends (though, this friend and I are very close and have helped each other through our mutual relationships) - is going to talk to my girlfriend and let her know I got frustrated a couple of times and this is going to change the opinion that I'm really pretty relaxed. My girlfriend hasn't had kids - so not sure she fully appreciates sometimes how they can drive you nuts. Yes, I'm looking for someone to say it's not a big deal...I'd like that reassurance. But if it is, kinda would like to know too. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes and I try not to be anything but I am..really. I am pretty laid back with the GF..she makes it easy. Kids, I love them..but three boys are always bickering. They are well behaved, but still can act up. My ex and I usually get compliments how well behaved they are... Any thoughts?
TXGuy Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 You are boing paranoid and you have nothing to worry about. It is fine to be laid back around your girlfriend and to certain extent around your kids. But, with three boys, you periodically have to keep them in check. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it is far better than being one of those overly permissive parents that let their kids run wild. 2
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Author Posted July 14, 2014 Thanks - my kids are very well behaved and I don't want to be considered the permissive parent. They are good and I can be a little hard on them - it's the one thing I'm trying to really change. I believe they are truly good kids...but they frustrate me like nothing else. My GF hasn't met my kids yet or seen me as a dad (kids aren't ready yet) - and I want to be the same person all the time. Thanks TX.
Elle1975 Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 I personally don't like someone, kid or adult, playing with food. That would have gotten me frustrated as well. That's for the side note. Being a parent isn't always easy. I wouldn't beat myself up over it. Beside, you two should have common ground on how to raise kids. If she's part of your life, she will have to adopt the same values. She can't be the one that let them get away with everything. I personally wouldn't like the comment your friend made. You don't beat them up. You aren't over controlling. What values you chose to teach your kids is your business.
Gaeta Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 So what does it mean exactly when you get frustrated at the kids? Kids can be annoying but what is even more annoying is a frustrated parent letting it out on his kids. I cannot stand that and I am a parent, I know exactly how kids can get to us. There is no need to get up in an uproar, you just apply simple consequences. On 3rd warning consequence is applied with calmness, water guns are put away, each kid gets a time out alone. You do that low profile.
HappyLove Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Only thing I thought was weird was your friend sticking her nose in telling you to be patient and wanting to text you about it. She needs to myob. Not like you spanked your kids or went off on them. You decide how to parent your kids! Especially 3 boys I'd imagine you have to check them A LOT! But everyone even compliments you on how well behaved they are so don't worry! 1
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Author Posted July 14, 2014 Happy - she and I are very good friends and we've had talks about how I want to 'chill' more with the kids. I believe she was trying to help. Look, It made me paranoid and uncomfortable that she said it - but if that's how she felt...I'd rather know. She wouldn't be the first to tell me to lighten up when it comes to the kids. I admit I can be tough on them sometimes. I don't like it and work on it. But this incident didn't involve yelling, screaming or belittling. It was really my frustration that my 10 year old wasn't paying attention to where his bag of chips was and sat on them. Those things bug me...probably shouldn't. I think maybe I have been tougher on them than I should...but they are very good kids and part of that is because I don't tolerate them misbehaving. I do agree that my girlfriend and I need a similar philosophy on child raising (I guess) - but we aren't close to that yet. My guess though, is she'd have some similar thoughts on behavior. Really -at the end of the day, my issue here isn't whether I parented appropriately (only in the context of my concern) - but would this be portrayed back as not the guy she thinks I am. Its very important to me that I'm honest and that there isn't a side of me she hasn't seen - she's made me want to be a better person and I think for the most part I am....
Gaeta Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 But this incident didn't involve yelling, screaming or belittling. It was really my frustration that my 10 year old wasn't paying attention to where his bag of chips was and sat on them. Those things bug me...probably shouldn't. It's the job of a 10 year old to not pay attention and to sit on a bag of chips. If that got you frustrated you wouldn't be the type of man I'd date. An accident is an accident. The child was not misbehaving on purpose. Also if your friend told you to lighten up, and others have told you to lighten up, it's because you show frustration when it's not necessary. I will only make that kind of comment to a friend when I've seen them getting frustrated at their kids for nothing several times and I'm at a point it's getting to me. My last boyfriend was very rigid with his daughter. If she'd leave bread crumbs on the kitchen counter he'd get frustrated, mumbled, called her on her cell, make a big deal out of it, it would ruin his mood. I use to tell him to RELAX it's just freakin crumbs on the counter! Tell her to come and clean it up in a calm matter and be done with it. If you let crumbs get to you how will you handle it when at 16 she pass her curfew. I am not telling you to not discipline your kids but relax, don't get over excited over silly stuff like spilled milk and crushed chips.
TAV Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 So you are trying to come off as a relaxed person but really, naturally, you are not such a person? I'm all for working on yourself etc. but I'm the feisty sort myself and I will never turn into a sweet and gentle sort of person, though I show that side too to my kids, bf and good friends. I think I would head for depression if I tried to force myself to be that all the time. No wonder you are freaking out when your friend or girlfriend see a glimpse of the other side of you. As for snapping at your kids. I wasn't there, I can't judge how noisy, hyper or whatever they were. You are only human, at one point enough is enough. Changing the tone of my voice is usually enough of a warning for my kids to change their behaviour. If I'd let my frustration build I could very well have snapped too. An occassional outburst does not make you a bad person or a bad parent. I can understand 6 months into the relationship you'd like to impress your gf but I do hope she can accept who you are and that you feel more comfortable in being yourself around her or your friend(s).
GemmaUK Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Three boys!!?? Bless you! If what you have said here about what actually happened is correct then you're worrying over nothing. I can't stand seeing parents screaming at their children but a swift word to a child who could have paid more attention or has already been told to be mindful of something isn't a problem. If you don't teach children awareness then they happily toddle along and get knocked over by cars...or instead of sitting on chips they sit on broken glasss or their best friend's pet hamster.... Where we lived when I was a kid we were right near the town and there was a big main road to cross with no crossing. Because of that road and my parents knowing I would be out with my friends they were very abrupt sometimes with me on being 'aware' of what was around me. It made me wake up and realise things happen and you can have some control over situations sometimes. So, in my view you're only teaching them lessons for life - even though this time it was a bad of chips and then some water. The bag of chips bit is awareness. The water thing is again awareness but also to be respectful to people and their space. We all have breaking points and things that do frustrate us. With three boys....you have a handful! I would rather see you do what you did than say nothing if I were with you. 1
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Author Posted July 14, 2014 I'm not 'trying' to be someone I'm not - I'm really very laid back most of the time. My marriage created much of my stress. Once my ex was gone - found out who I was..laid back. I'm not acting or hiding anything - I think the point was missed. I am who I am. I know I can frustrated sometimes with the kids. I'm worried about (without context) this telephones into something it's not. Gaeta - getting frustrated: I said to him something about paying attention to his chips/food. And for the record - my friend has seen me around my kids several times (two or three times)...and this was the only time she has seen anything but me enjoying the kids. Read my past posts..I'm always ultra-parnoid and this was probably not a big deal. I'm worried about it getting relayed back, interpreted wrong, and causing problems...
Gaeta Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Gaeta - getting frustrated: I said to him something about paying attention to his chips/food.. I am having a hard time understanding what is happening here. You said some of your friends have told you to lighten up a little with your kids. You're describing a situation with water and chips where you got frustrated. You got frustrated enough for your friend to notice because one made a comment about it. But now you're saying all you did was tell your child to pay attention to his chips. What is that you did exactly that made your friend point to you you get too frustrated with your kids?
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Author Posted July 14, 2014 That's my point - not much. I didn't yell I didn't scream I didn't hit I didn't exaggerate any movements I didn't take his chips away basically: "John! pay attention about to sit on your chips." in a frustrated voice.
pteromom Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Being laid back doesn't mean you are a lump of jello who never reacts or feels anything. It is a good thing for your gf to know that you are imperfect. If she is expecting perfection, she is going to be disappointed with anyone. 1
pteromom Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 That's my point - not much. I didn't yell I didn't scream I didn't hit I didn't exaggerate any movements I didn't take his chips away basically: "John! pay attention about to sit on your chips." in a frustrated voice. Maybe it is your tone of voice? Or maybe your friend has history with an abusive ex or father, and she is extremely sensitive to such things. It could have nothing to do with you at all.
GemmaUK Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 That's my point - not much. I didn't yell I didn't scream I didn't hit I didn't exaggerate any movements I didn't take his chips away basically: "John! pay attention about to sit on your chips." in a frustrated voice. And? There's nothing wrong here from what I can see.
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Author Posted July 14, 2014 as far as I know..that's it. frustrating tone is the worst I think. I could have said, "C'mon John! you are going to sit on your chips" I don't know..admittedly I have been a nitpicker..so maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion.
Recommended Posts