spirius Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 My gf broke up with me during a fight about ten days ago. In the immediate aftermath, she said it was over and just to leave it as she didn't want it to get messy - I replied essentially saying I'd forgive the cheating etc. No reply since last Saturday morning. Her best mate has since talked to her and said that I'm left feeling a little unsure where I stand, if it is deffo over or if she is still thinking or what...since I had said in my text, please tell me if don't want to hear from me again or if we are deffo done so I can move on. she refused to answer and wouldn't explain why she would answer. why would she not just reiterate that yes, it is over?
Ordinaryday Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 My gf broke up with me during a fight about ten days ago. In the immediate aftermath, she said it was over and just to leave it as she didn't want it to get messy - I replied essentially saying I'd forgive the cheating etc. No reply since last Saturday morning. Her best mate has since talked to her and said that I'm left feeling a little unsure where I stand, if it is deffo over or if she is still thinking or what...since I had said in my text, please tell me if don't want to hear from me again or if we are deffo done so I can move on. she refused to answer and wouldn't explain why she would answer. why would she not just reiterate that yes, it is over? in my experience a lot of girls HATE direct argument and conflict and will go out of their way to avoid it at all costs, cos it makes them very uncomfortable. sending you a text saying "I dont want to see you anymore sorry" will make her uncomfortable cos she doesnt know how you will react, whether you will respond back meanly, swear at her, etc. but by just ignoring you she still effectively sends the message "I dont want to see you anymore" while avoiding the conflict that goes with that message. yes it is cowardly I completely agree, but women do it all the time. 3
Author spirius Posted July 14, 2014 Author Posted July 14, 2014 I can see that. What's stranger to me is that she wouldn't even tell her best friend who is bewildered as to what she is thinking right now
Author spirius Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 During our break-up (she confessed to cheating on me and was leaving) I started to panic and said some really stupid stuff about reporting the guy's behaviour (this was a work affair involving no small degree of harassment). She said I need to think about the kind of person I want to be. I subsequently got more upset and it all got rather dramatic, but I did say that I was upset and said stuff I did not mean. Now she is gone, not heard in ten days and rather than feeling this is her fault for cheating and I got upset, I am plagued with the idea that she now thinks of me badly and that the memory of the whole relationship will be tainted. In her last text she did say, "I don't hate you, but I don't want things to get any messier than they already are." We're not talking anything too serious here, just dramatics really. I can't bear the thought of her thinking badly of me. She went from really upset before this happened, obvious guilt etc to being annoyed and angry that I didn't want her to leave. Not sure how to get through this as she has completely cut me off
I am Bud Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Dear spirius Once a couple starts talking about throwing toxins and poisons at one another then the relationship is pretty much done and dusted. As in her last text she said that she doesn't hate you, but doesn't want things to get any messier than they already are. This basically implies that she understands that you are hurt and upset about the breakup and that she wants to keep the peace by keeping you at a distance. She knows that if you try to communicate with her that you will try to convince her to get back with you which she clearly does not want. So in order not to get into another fight she is preemptively going NC on you. Her main worry would not be thinking badly of you but rather hoping that you will not get hung up on her and for you to move on. If you did the latter than this would probably please her more than anything. Take the initiative and bring closure to this relationship from your side. Learn to let it go. The sooner that you do the sooner you can get back on the saddle and find that special someone. All the best - Bud
Ordinaryday Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 I have learned the hard way that any contact from you to attempt to show her you have 'changed' or are sorry or whatever will more than likely just push her further away cos she will be pissed you are not leaving her alone. a few months ago someone on this board posted about how his ex girlfriend demanded to be left alone and how he had done some dumb things but was now genuinely sorry and should he text her to tell her he will now leave her alone? the response he got was that was self-defeating, as texting her to tell her you will leave her alone ISNT leaving her alone, just stop contacting her. I know what you feel like, YOU WANT HER BACK, I am the same. but it MUST COME FROM THEM, any attempts from you to win her back will just push her further away! 1
Griesfootball Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 That is so right. I went 21 days of no contact with my ex twice and each time I contacted her I felt like the breakup was happening again. I had these expectations in my head and I thought she would be delighted for me thinking of her but it was totally the opposite
Author spirius Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 It's two weeks ago that my ex confessed to cheating on me. Cue dramatic incidents and us parting on bad terms. I text saying I forgave her and to let me know if she did not want any more contact, if she was still thinking or if she wanted me to step aside. I worry she left thinking really badly of me and have had literally not contact from her in two weeks. I've accepted that she is gone, but really want to extend an olive branch even for friendship, but obviously she has not contact me back. Friends say don't do it and to be frank, it doesn't matter if she thinks ur an ******* psycho as she betrayed you and caused the whole situation...that I need to grow some balls for even wanting to be friends. Would I be crazy to extend an olive branch?
SCJACK Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Why would you be friends on someone who cheated on you? Don't be spineless.. 1
marcjb Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Never be "friends" with an ex, especially not one that betrayed you! NOTHING good will ever come of it. Not to mention, you will just be tainting any future relationship you end up having with someone else if you keep your past around. The past is the past, keep it there.
Griesfootball Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Maybe down the road and I mean in years , maybe you can be friends but then at that point why would you want to?
elseaacych Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 If you are NC, you are not friends. Friends communicate. Friends do not cheat on each other. Friends would not do what your ex did. Your ex wants to be a "friend", so she won't feel as bad for what she did. Don't give that to her. 1
Author spirius Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 to be fair, she doesn't appear to want it at the moment...though I really have no idea what she is thinking as been NC from her end
FortunateSon Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 Why are you worried about her "thinking badly" of you after SHE cheated on YOU?! You might want to try looking at this from a different prospective. As other have said, I am not sure why you would want to be friends with someone who betrayed and cheated on you... 1
Author spirius Posted July 19, 2014 Author Posted July 19, 2014 maybe a bit of denial...miss the person she was and kind of dissociate that from what she did
FortunateSon Posted July 19, 2014 Posted July 19, 2014 maybe a bit of denial...miss the person she was and kind of dissociate that from what she did I don't mean to sound hurtful but when you find yourself "missing" her think back to her betraying and cheating on you, think of her intimately giving herself to another man when she is suppose to be with you...this should help disassociate you from her. 1
7yearsbroken Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 I don't mean to sound hurtful but when you find yourself "missing" her think back to her betraying and cheating on you, think of her intimately giving herself to another man when she is suppose to be with you...this should help disassociate you from her. Yes this works.. But sadly I'm in the same situation and I'm forced to face it. Even after so long she can't know I still care, she did cheat, she did give it up. So NC it is. NC for the heartless people in our lives.. Don't give them power anymore.
Author spirius Posted August 16, 2014 Author Posted August 16, 2014 My ex-girlfriend cheated on me (in a minor way, but emotionally painful) and left. We had a big damn bust up during which she did something rather silly and over the top in response to me being rather emotional. Since that day, six weeks ago, I assume she has been with the guy involved. She did not reply to my texts at the time saying I would forgive her nor would she answer whether we were definitely done and if I should move on. Six weeks without a peep from her. Obviously I miss her tremendously and have been fighting the urge the whole time to text. We were so, so close and I find it hard to imagine (knowing what I know about her) that she would want to lose me completely, even in terms of friendship. I want to text asking if she wants to be friends, but everyone is saying don't do it. Help?
Tbisb74 Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 You don't need help. You know precisely what you need to do. Maintain No Contact. It's not up to you to engineer some kind of reconciliation, it's up to her. And you should only accept any offer of friendship about a month after Hell freezes over. You know what people are saying to you, makes sense. So follow the head and not the heart. Have you read the No Contact Guide? You really should.... 1
Author spirius Posted August 16, 2014 Author Posted August 16, 2014 Thanks for the reply. I'm honestly at a point where even my head keeps saying, "Okay, I know you guys mean well, but we're all adults...I know we aren't getting back together...only a tiny part of me wants to now, but I do want her back in my life. I'm friends with all my major exes. Granted, it did not happen immediately in ANY case." I struggle to find the empathy with her side to think why she would not want to be friends. But also cannot quite identify why I would want to be...just know the impulse is strong. Maybe to reassure myself that I still matter on some level
zhaulk Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 If she broke up with you, she's not too worried about losing you all together, even as a friend. The other guy involved is irrelevant. You do not want her as a friend. You want her back. You don't need her as a friend. You CAN break No Contact, but you will regret it. Asking her to be friends shows a sad, lonely side of you that she does not need to see. Keep your dignity and keep moving on, don't let her know how you feel. Don't let her know that you miss her or that you want her in your life. If you contact her, and ask her to be friends, you are giving her permission to run all over you, and treat you like dirt. From what it sounds like, you deserve better than that. There have to be consequences. One of those is: Guess what? You don't know me anymore. You don't know anything about me. Don't give her the satisfaction, man. Move on, let her go. If she contacts you, do not respond. If you really want her back, forget about her completely. This is probably what everyone is telling you, and man it is true. It won't matter either way when (and if) the time comes. As far as friendship goes, it's way too early for that. I'm ''acquaintances" with my first ex, and it's because she's a cool person. But my most recent ex, I do not..at this time, want a friendship with. Maybe one day, but I've never thought she was a very good friend. So ask yourself, do you really want her as your friend? If you do, then one day that MIGHT can happen..but not anytime soon man. In summary dude, don't break NC. Focus on the negative right now, get into the anger stage. It's a necessary evil. 1
soifnaegvbaoeaiegoaobgaiou Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 I think my favorite part of the NC Guide is the part where it says "You're over them when you can see them, their lover and possibly even their child together and feel nothing." My most recent ex is someone who shares a ton of my hobbies, pastimes, and interests. She'd be a great friend. But we can't be friends, and I have no desire to have a friendship with her due to my lingering feelings. It just wouldn't work, because sooner or later I'd have to remember that she's going back home to someone that isn't me, and you cannot have a friendship in that situation. I'm friends with 2 of my previous exes. One of whom I have grown to see that I will never work with, and finally can just appreciate her friendship, we regularly talk about our new relationships with each other and I don't feel jealousy like I would if I still wanted to be with her. I still love her, but in a different manner than before. The other ex I'm friends with, I've actually met her boyfriend on numerous occasions, and we can be friends because I'm actually glad she found someone that she's so happy with. In both cases, I have no desire for any relationship with these two girls at all. Until you reach that point, friendship is not an option. If the dumper wants it, they want to feel less guilty about what they've done, if the dumpee wants it, its a thinly veiled attempt to remain in the dumper's life. I'm surprised that my most recent ex would want to lose me completely as well. That's why we're dumpees. Yet, she hasn't made any effort to contact me, and neither has your lady. If they want us, they know where to find us. Its not our responsibility to worry about them anymore. If they wake up and realize "Oh, crap, I really DO want to be with you and miss you." they know where to find us. There's nothing we can do but keep on keeping on. We've done everything that we can do, and it wasn't enough. (If it was, we wouldn't be dumpees.) The only control we have over the situation, is the ability to let go, focus on ourselves, and look ahead. A year ago in this situation, I would have thought I'd never get over my ex at the time. That ex is now one of my best friends, and I met someone that completely blew me away shortly after we broke up. Who knows where we will both be in 3 months, 6 months, a year? You just have to believe that at some point, you'll look back on this ex and think "Wow....I don't know why the hell I was so beat up over you....I found this new person who just makes me even happier." It does happen. One day at a time. This post got way longer than I wanted it to.
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