erklat Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 I take things at face value. We are not together any longer. Her guilt easing reasons are of no value to me. 1
Shinobi Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 Anyone should know why but nobody should wait on the dumper to carefully make it clear for him. In 90% of the cases the girl is the dumper- the reason is because of someone else. The pattern is always the same- she becomes distant, you don't get to see each other so often, she goes to bed early and is always tired, she doesn't call so often, can't get in touch with her without reason and so on. At that point any man should be experienced enough to know she is at least cheating if not preparing herself to leave in addition. In either cases you don't have to wait neither ask WHY. Of course you might bring up the issue but be very clear and short- just let her now you know what's the deal. Things like "we do not match" or "lost the love" she can shove them somewhere behind. Don't let her explain and lie because this is what she's going to do. I dream about a girl who will sit next to me, look me in the eyes and says: "Listen, I feel our relationship isn't working for me and I don't see ourselves going anywhere further. Since awhile there's a person who shows interest in me and I feel I can't resist some feelings either. But, I haven't done anything with him, not a single touch but it's stronger than me and I want to explore this path. I don't want to lie to you nor cheat on you so I am honest and I am telling you that it's better for us to part ways." If this happens to me I'll stand on my feet, applause her, shake her hand. I'll turn around and leave forever without saying a word and without ever attempting to contact but I'll always respect that girl. In an alternative universe maybe this is possible but in this one girls choose the more comfortable way of cheating, lying, stringing along, come up with excuses and so on. Generally this is WHY they end up relationships- for someone else. If you doubt it- ask them WHY and listen to their crap- maybe it'll make you feel better. 1
Missy0724 Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 True - agree. If people really honest with themselves, can have introspect, look at the history of the relationship, any red flags, etc. We are in love! It's like an addiction, drug! It takes over us, in a way. Can cloud our reasoning, bc when it's good, it's so so good! But love is never enough! It takes work! And that means both people! It's easy to "blame" the dumper and want answers. But the dumper doesn't decide that morning to break up. It's been on their mind for a while and they have already checked out. They have already begun getting over you, before the actual break up. That is reality. All the signs are there...for weeks, maybe months. But dumpees just don't see it. They are too busy trying to save the relationship, deny it's ending, ignoring all the signs. But the signs are always there. We just choose to ignore them. Live in denial. Everyone has done it. Well, us older, more experienced folks! When someone ends things, it's bc they don't want to be with YOU anymore, bc it's just not working. There can still be some kind of love, caring there, but the romantic relationship as it was known, is no longer wanted. And why pine for, want to be with someone who has made it clear, they don't want to be with you anymore. It ran its course. Doesn't mean they never cared, it's just NOW they don't anymore. Sucks. Rejection like that, prob one of the worse emotional pains. And in time, if you CHOSE to let it go - you will and can give and receive love again! And hopefully better and in healthier way, bc of past experiences, and personal growth. Letting go is a choice. Love is a choice. Plain and simple.
Moonborn Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 Anyone should know why but nobody should wait on the dumper to carefully make it clear for him. In 90% of the cases the girl is the dumper- the reason is because of someone else. The pattern is always the same- she becomes distant, you don't get to see each other so often, she goes to bed early and is always tired, she doesn't call so often, can't get in touch with her without reason and so on. At that point any man should be experienced enough to know she is at least cheating if not preparing herself to leave in addition. In either cases you don't have to wait neither ask WHY. Of course you might bring up the issue but be very clear and short- just let her now you know what's the deal. Things like "we do not match" or "lost the love" she can shove them somewhere behind. Don't let her explain and lie because this is what she's going to do. I dream about a girl who will sit next to me, look me in the eyes and says: "Listen, I feel our relationship isn't working for me and I don't see ourselves going anywhere further. Since awhile there's a person who shows interest in me and I feel I can't resist some feelings either. But, I haven't done anything with him, not a single touch but it's stronger than me and I want to explore this path. I don't want to lie to you nor cheat on you so I am honest and I am telling you that it's better for us to part ways." If this happens to me I'll stand on my feet, applause her, shake her hand. I'll turn around and leave forever without saying a word and without ever attempting to contact but I'll always respect that girl. In an alternative universe maybe this is possible but in this one girls choose the more comfortable way of cheating, lying, stringing along, come up with excuses and so on. Generally this is WHY they end up relationships- for someone else. If you doubt it- ask them WHY and listen to their crap- maybe it'll make you feel better. I am guessing that you are taking this from your personal experience, but I feel that generalizing that to 90% of women is (statistically speaking) a really strong statement. I agree with those who say that it doesn't matter. But in my case one of the explanations I received was so hilarious that it helped me moving on. She said she couldn't be happy with a guy who looked at her funny when she started talking about sheeps and chickens (she is studying in a prevet school). Which is something I actually never did, I simply didn't know much about the topic and didn't know what to say. Nonetheless, something about a girl breaking up with a guy who is madly in love with her because he is not good enough at talking about sheeps and chickens cracked me up . I think that day is the day when I really started moving on.
OffRail Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 I just want to know why he disappeared like he did ? Don't I deserve an explanation why ?
Moonborn Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 I just want to know why he disappeared like he did ? Don't I deserve an explanation why ? He may not know himself, and sometimes there isn't a reason at all. Even if there is one and he is aware enough to be able to point it out and he decides to tell you, it will not give you the closure you are looking for. Unfortunately that is something you can only find in yourself, and it takes time.
dumbass2 Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 Yes I'm with Smiley on this one for short relationships - not really bothered For long meaningful relationships I absolutely need to know why or explain why - mainly to give/ receive an explanation to process what happened - avoid the same errors - when dumped it helped me to move on instead of pondering things over forever in my head Understand the reasons, try and accept the reasons - but I don't necessarily have to agree with them and it doesn't mean I would change myself 180° Well, I for one can tell you that a short term (6 month), intense, relationship is pretty hard. Might have to do with our age (40's), but it has been very difficult and her keeping in contact after saying she couldn't see me any more has been horrible. I was blind sided by it. I look back at red flags and see maybe a few from the last week or so. We were very close up til then. She is not and was not seeing someone else (I do know this for certain) but I get the feeling she thought I was. Not the case at all. We didn't talk. I still would like to know the real reason. I can guess, but it should not have happened. I would have rather i knew she left me for someone else. At least then I'd move on a heck of a lot faster.
todreaminblue Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 Well its not always possible. For example: I hate your character and you annoy me.... have you really ever dated anyone with whom you hated their character?
BridgetGrey Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 hmm the truth is that I was in a long distance, so we were both thinking about ending it but he dragged it and so did I. We both share it , because we were at different points in our lives and communication lacked and without you cannot sustain a relationship much a less a LDR one. The truth is I did the nice speech and walking away,yet I would say he is not in love with me anymore as he used to be it pains me admit it but he does love me in a sense and maybe has romantic feelings for me in the shape and cares to ask about me. However, long distance wore out the relationship and I don't even think I was in love with him when I knew it was ending the truth is that I was holding on to a fantasy more. You see for my ex the break deal was when I stressed upon the issue of commitment as in marriage this was the break deal for him. I don't think he was ever willing to go there mainly because of his childhood issues family stuff and he likes his lifestyle this way with no tie down. As I said in other thread I can't change in that or hope he will change. He is not the type of guy that would carry a serious relationship and he may change after years who knows , but I don't think he wants to be fixed. To answer the question I used to care how come he stopped wanting to be with me and all blah blah blah. Now I don't because long distance was like holding on to a fantasy and my ex nature is like that. I said to him I believe it is for the best ..
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