Can’t understand why she left? Never fought? Always treated her right?

July 14, 2014

I see these threads all the time. Guys who can’t understand why she left or cheated? Especially when they treated her so good. Did everything for her. Never fought or disagreed.

*The following is completely my opinion and is not supported by statistical fact*

A RS where there is no conflict is most likely because you are caving in to her. You are trying to anticipate her wants and needs and doing anything to meet them. You have abandoned all of your own wants and needs. You have made her your passion. You think this will have a positive outcome. You think she will love you for putting her first. Wrong! This is disastrous for a RS. She will love it in the beginning and resent and disrespect you soon after. And, chances are good she will find someone who puts themselves first, and cheat on you or leave you. Of course, most women will deny this. And, they probably truly feel they are different. But they are not.

Women want you to assert yourself. They want you to lead. They want to follow. And, often times, this is what causes disagreements, conflict or fighting. So if you have none, you are probably not doing the things that are necessary to keep her interested. This does not mean treat her like sh*t or be an a-hole. It’s a delicate balance.

So, if you have been dumped recently and don't know why. Never fought. Never had conflict. Never disagreed. Always treated her well and did the things you think she wanted you to, then you have most likely ruined your RS.

How am I coming up with this? Well, I am the guy described above, and I have spent the last year or so trying to understand and make sense of it. The two best books you can read to gain more understanding and clarity are:

No More Mr. Nice Guy – Robert Glover

Open Her - Karen Brody

July 14, 2014

Same goes for women who bend over backwards for men.

July 14, 2014

I guess it would. But so many guys seem to be in this predicament. I think more so than women. At least on this forum...

July 14, 2014

Four months ago I went on 3 dates with a "really nice and good guy". I knew by the 3rd date I couldn't continue because he was too passive and was falling for me too quickly. I knew I could have had him wrapped around my finger. And I absolutely did NOT want a man like that. I gently told him the truth. That I cannot be compatible with our natures being what they were.

I didn't find it necessary to say I thought him to be excessively codependent, which I do. I was kind and loving and though he was upset, we remain friends today. He says he still has a crush on me but we have boundaries. I enjoy his friendship quite a bit but nothing beyond that.

Mtnbiker is RIGHT ON THE MONEY with his assesment of men (or women) who are too passive and lack personal boundaries. This woman does NOT want such a man. It doesn't mean a man should turn into a p.rick and treat women like crap. Just have enough self love to stand for yourself without standing ON someone else.

July 14, 2014

I think a big piece of it, is that men are being conditioned more and more to think / act this way. From society in general and definitely Hollywood as well.

We are taught from an early age (usually starting with Mom) to please women. Then it continues throughout elementary school (at least here in the states). 6 of my 7 years in elementary were spent with women teachers for 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. Not to mention men that are raised without a positive male role model... By the time we reach our teenage years, we have been saturated with the necessity of making sure the women in our lives are pleased with our behaviors and actions.

July 14, 2014

The worst men to date are one's who cater to your every whim and who come off as having no opinions, no thoughts, and no interests other than the girl.

I had a long term relationship with a guy like this and it was the worst. He would bend over backwards, and try to do everything. And on the outside one might think, "hey look at all he does for her" but from the inside, the guy had no friends. He had no interests. He couldn't do anything in life unless I accompanied him. He was so clingy/needy and would do everything possible to have a smooth relationship no arguments, nothing. He was very passive and he became a doormat to me.

Now I can pick these people out right away. I went on a date with one guy who literally had stars in his eyes talking to me. Everything I loved? He loved. Everything I wanted to do? He wanted to do. I'd ask for his opinion on things and he'd be like, "whatever YOU want to do!" "Oh you love that? I'd love to do that too!"

Ugh. The worst.

July 14, 2014

Good stuff, mtnbiker3000. I agree with you wholeheartedly.

Two more books that I would recommend are The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida and Models by Mark Manson.

July 14, 2014

or none of that could be true, she could be seeing another guy behind your back.

you never know.

July 14, 2014

I think this sums up what happened to my relationship perfectly. I was always focusing on her needs, especially recently since I was unemployed, I felt it was my duty to do as much as I could because I could not financially support us. I was always open to what she wanted to do and bent to her whim. I am not sure if she consciously thought this was the problem and the reason she broke it off, but I wouldn't be surprised if her "falling out of love" was directly connected to this behavior.

Now I am on a mission to change my attitudes, gain more confidence and know what I want out of life. I am not sure if she will ever come back, but if she does these new attributes are something I want her to see and hopefully be able to keep her interest.

We have been on limited contact for the last 3 weeks and we are approaching a month since she broke up with me. This post and those books make sense to me and I would love to tell her I found out what I did wrong in the relationship and can work on these flaws. Do you think I should break our limited/no contact and talk to her about this or should I just keep with no contact?

July 14, 2014

I know for me it wasn't pure 'doormat' status, especially in the beginning. I had my own agenda. I had my own wants and opinions. As time went on, I simply put hers above mine. I thought this was the right way to act. I think it comes from being afraid that if we don't do this, we will lose her. And the more it seemed like I was losing her, the more I gave in. A vicious cycle!!

July 14, 2014

I think this sums up what happened to my relationship perfectly. I was always focusing on her needs, especially recently since I was unemployed, I felt it was my duty to do as much as I could because I could not financially support us. I was always open to what she wanted to do and bent to her whim. I am not sure if she consciously thought this was the problem and the reason she broke it off, but I wouldn't be surprised if her "falling out of love" was directly connected to this behavior.

This was part of my situation too. For a man to be unemployed is devastating to a RS. Consciously and subconsciously!! I was doing all of the cooking and cleaning and fixing everything I could find, whether it needed it or not. I desperately tried to demonstrate value. I eventually got another job, but it was out of my profession and did not pay as well. Too late. Damage was done and we never recovered.

Now I am on a mission to change my attitudes, gain more confidence and know what I want out of life. I am not sure if she will ever come back, but if she does these new attributes are something I want her to see and hopefully be able to keep her interest.

We have been on limited contact for the last 3 weeks and we are approaching a month since she broke up with me. This post and those books make sense to me and I would love to tell her I found out what I did wrong in the relationship and can work on these flaws. Do you think I should break our limited/no contact and talk to her about this or should I just keep with no contact?

No, do not reach out. Unfortunately, it is probably too late for this RS, but work on yourself for the next one. Because another RS will fail in the same way if you behave / act the same. Now is a good time to work on you for you. Read those books. They will open your eyes, as they did mine. I guarantee they will help!!

July 14, 2014

This is a dynamic I have put a lot of thought into for a very long time. I have been very guilty of it in the past, and I'm aware of how weak, snivelling, and unattractive this kind of behavior is. Luckily the ones that I lost due to this kind of behavior were idiots, and I don't care that theyre gone. However, the last girl I was with, was a keeper, and I made a conscious decision to stand up for myself, assert my independence, and to NEVER say yes when I really meant no. At the same time she was treated exceptionally well. The problem was, is she absolutely could not take no for an answer (when it came to me handling MY personal decisions) and would just escalate and make extremely negative comments as a result of my own personal decisions and choices. She finally dumped me when I made it clear I was not going to play by her rules. Yet somehow, she lost respect for me because I unconsciously caved to her childish behaviour (she even admitted I let her get away with too much). This is why I will not engage in a woman's "sh it tests" ever again. Guys, it is vitally important to call women out on their sh it tests the moment they start. I don't know anymore, the psychology of relationships is too hard to deal with, and makes me wonder if it's worth it to get involved with anyone at all.

Edited July 14, 2014 by Hoosfoos

July 14, 2014

I see these threads all the time. Guys who can’t understand why she left or cheated? Especially when they treated her so good. Did everything for her. Never fought or disagreed.

*The following is completely my opinion and is not supported by statistical fact*

A RS where there is no conflict is most likely because you are caving in to her. You are trying to anticipate her wants and needs and doing anything to meet them. You have abandoned all of your own wants and needs. You have made her your passion. You think this will have a positive outcome. You think she will love you for putting her first. Wrong! This is disastrous for a RS. She will love it in the beginning and resent and disrespect you soon after. And, chances are good she will find someone who puts themselves first, and cheat on you or leave you. Of course, most women will deny this. And, they probably truly feel they are different. But they are not.

Women want you to assert yourself. They want you to lead. They want to follow. And, often times, this is what causes disagreements, conflict or fighting. So if you have none, you are probably not doing the things that are necessary to keep her interested. This does not mean treat her like sh*t or be an a-hole. It’s a delicate balance.

So, if you have been dumped recently and don't know why. Never fought. Never had conflict. Never disagreed. Always treated her well and did the things you think she wanted you to, then you have most likely ruined your RS.

How am I coming up with this? Well, I am the guy described above, and I have spent the last year or so trying to understand and make sense of it. The two best books you can read to gain more understanding and clarity are:

No More Mr. Nice Guy – Robert Glover
Open Her - Karen Brody

I agree, without conflicts, the relationship doesn't have a chance to grow stronger due to a lack of conflict resolution skills. A partner's true worth is how s/he resolves conflicts with you, if you've never fight, argue or even disagree, something is fundamentally wrong with the whole relationship.

Personally, I've had a relationship where there's always arguments and my recent one had none whatsoever. I hate arguments... it's draining on the relationship but then again, I do not want a guy who just follow what I say. I do find that I know more about the guy who disagree with me than one let me plan everything. I understand his personality and I understand his wants better. My momma said to always be careful of the quiet ones, the one that doesn't raise an issue ,because it shows he doesn't care.

A man's role should always be the initiator.. the woman's a better mediator. If he doesn't lead the relationship and she doesn't know how to make peace, the relationship is basically a friendship.

July 14, 2014

I really wish I would have known about this before the relationship died for her. Now I feel guilty and I want to know I can make this right. Damn this sucks.

July 14, 2014

I see these threads all the time. Guys who can’t understand why she left or cheated? Especially when they treated her so good. Did everything for her. Never fought or disagreed.

*The following is completely my opinion and is not supported by statistical fact*

A RS where there is no conflict is most likely because you are caving in to her. You are trying to anticipate her wants and needs and doing anything to meet them. You have abandoned all of your own wants and needs. You have made her your passion. You think this will have a positive outcome. You think she will love you for putting her first. Wrong! This is disastrous for a RS. She will love it in the beginning and resent and disrespect you soon after. And, chances are good she will find someone who puts themselves first, and cheat on you or leave you. Of course, most women will deny this. And, they probably truly feel they are different. But they are not.

Women want you to assert yourself. They want you to lead. They want to follow. And, often times, this is what causes disagreements, conflict or fighting. So if you have none, you are probably not doing the things that are necessary to keep her interested. This does not mean treat her like sh*t or be an a-hole. It’s a delicate balance.

So, if you have been dumped recently and don't know why. Never fought. Never had conflict. Never disagreed. Always treated her well and did the things you think she wanted you to, then you have most likely ruined your RS.

How am I coming up with this? Well, I am the guy described above, and I have spent the last year or so trying to understand and make sense of it. The two best books you can read to gain more understanding and clarity are:

No More Mr. Nice Guy – Robert Glover
Open Her - Karen Brody

I wish you were right. Unfortunately what you said does not apply to my relationship.

Yes we never fought and there was no conflict.

Did she lead and I abandoned my wants and needs? Absolutely not. Was I passive? No. Did I cave into what she wanted? Nope. Did we have minor disagreements? Of course. But they were quickly and easily resolved.

I was definitely the leader in my relationship and asserted my self.

The reason this worked out so well because we were very similar. Our interests and hobbies overlapped in many areas. None of us were stubborn and it was very easy to come to a compromise.

I absolutely did not put her needs above my own. Of course I made sure to satisfy her as much as I could, but I never had to sacrifice anything for her. It was always a win-win situation.

I valued her input, but most of the time she went along with what I wanted to do. She was perfect at fallowing. If a woman doesn't want to do what I want to do, and that causes conflict, then why the hell am I with her?

The only real area where we had some disagreement was that I wanted her to give me oral more often and she didn't like to do it. Were we going to have a fight about blowjobs? Of course not, that's ridiculous! Especially when we were having sex twice a day.

So in the end, we broke up without ever having a single fight. I never saw her cry or heard her raise her voice. I never got mad at her, and so I have absolutely no idea how I'll handle myself when I have an argument with a woman I love.

At this point, I still don't get why couples would actually fight.

July 14, 2014

So then why did she leave you?

July 14, 2014

So then why did she leave you?

Hell if I know.

I don't even know if she knew why she left me.

It was probably something to do with her not being completely detached from her ex and being unable to form a real close bond with me because of that. She told me that she felt she should be in love with me at six months and that she wasn't. So instead of giving the relationship more time or even talking to me about her issues, she just ended it.

Of course I screwed up after she dumped me and pretty much unintentionally chased her away for good.

July 14, 2014

Im not really concerned with your opinion, but I'm concerned why you are still thinking about it and dealing with it this much after a year+???

July 14, 2014

I really wish I would have known about this before the relationship died for her. Now I feel guilty and I want to know I can make this right. Damn this sucks.

Well, feeling guilty and not being able to move on from the relationship is also a sign of co-dependency.

If you go back to her and tell her 'babe, I know what I should do now to save us'...well that's just another sign of you bending over backwards.

the best way to really change is to really move on. and maybe someday, down the road she'll meet you and be attracted to the more aware, more 3-dimensional you.

But right now you're doing it for her, for the relationship (which she is not working on by the way, it would be different if she hadn't given up), and the whole point is to put yourself first.

July 14, 2014

Hell if I know.

I don't even know if she knew why she left me.

It was probably something to do with her not being completely detached from her ex and being unable to form a real close bond with me because of that. She told me that she felt she should be in love with me at six months and that she wasn't. So instead of giving the relationship more time or even talking to me about her issues, she just ended it.

Of course I screwed up after she dumped me and pretty much unintentionally chased her away for good.

and so maybe that's why you guys never fought. because she was never in love...never fully invested. it's easy to go along when you are not fully invested in a relationship.

In all of our close relationships, we argue. With our siblings, with our parents, with our best friends. So our RS should fall in that category.

July 14, 2014

@somedude81 unfortunately this sounds similar to my sister's situation. She has been in a relationship with a GREAT guy for almost 4 years. He's like another member of the family and I've never seen them fight. He also supported her, was a great partner but unfortunately it looks like things have fizzled out between them. She's tried to dump him twice but takes him back out of loyalty and guilt. She's dating another guy behind his back which I think and have told her is horrible but this is her mess. I'm not sure when things will end for good but our family still holds out hope they may work out things one day since he was so good for her.

Point I'm trying to make with this example is, sometimes the timing/situation isn't working no matter what the other factors are and that really smarts. I hope you can heal and find happiness with someone who appreciates the great partner you are (and gives you all the bjs you want lol). That may be this girl someday or someone else. Time will tell but for now you need to move forward and keep your chin up!

July 14, 2014

Thank you music_and_poetry

One thing she kept saying over and over during the break up talk was that the timing wasn't right.

July 14, 2014

Thank you music_and_poetry

One thing she kept saying over and over during the break up talk was that the timing wasn't right.

And that may be true, I hope you start to feel better soon either way. You deserve happiness!

July 14, 2014

because she was never in love...never fully invested. it's easy to go along when you are not fully invested in a relationship.

Yup. I've come to realize that we were in two completely separate relationships. And, I, foolishly was completely invested in mine when I shouldn't have been. She, was not even close...

Not sure who I am more upset with. Oh wait, yes I am... me!!!

July 15, 2014

Well from the sounds of it, she was crap at communicating.

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