isisisweeping Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Now, in general, I'm a forgiving person. I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt, and chances for slip ups. It bites me in the arse sometimes, but I'd rather hold true to who I want to be than ensure I never get hurt, or whatever. How forgiving are you? What are you likely to forgive or not forgive and what situations? What has happened that you found yourself unwilling to look past even though they asked? Say, a guy brings up sexual talk way too early. (ie, asking if you'd want "company") or too aggressively? A guy/girl disappears for a couple days then pops back in, apologizes, resumes talking? A guy/girl pays or doesn't pay according to your preference? Whatever, just trying to think of situations that might come up in early dating....
smackie9 Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Nope, I wouldn't waste my time trying to figure out if it's worth sticking around or not. I have more self worth than that. First impressions do count.
mammasita Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 I used to be pretty forgiving early on, but in retrospect that was my issue. Those are red flags. Early on is when you should be saying "oh hell no!" and on to the next because there's nothing lost, no history, nothing. Don't overlook and make excuses for the crap - lather/rinse/repeat, set boundaries early and you'll normally end up with a decent person. 4
sugarlove Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 I always give them a second date due to nerves. But if that is still just as bad, I won't waste my time or theirs. 1
JungleLover Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Many tend to move on too easy these days. That is the problem when you have so many options or access to them. It really takes away our tolerance on some level though. We say "just get rid of em" because we can just click the mouse to start up a new option. Just send a smile to someone else, marry em, and then we can just divorce that option when he or she doesn't act right and get back to clicking.
irc333 Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Nope, I wouldn't waste my time trying to figure out if it's worth sticking around or not. I have more self worth than that. First impressions do count. Hm, you're not even considering what it was that happened or whatever occurred. You're not willing to even take the situation on a case-by-base basis?
irc333 Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Many tend to move on too easy these days. That is the problem when you have so many options or access to them. It really takes away our tolerance on some level though. We say "just get rid of em" because we can just click the mouse to start up a new option. Just send a smile to someone else, marry em, and then we can just divorce that option when he or she doesn't act right and get back to clicking. Jungle Lover... Good reason, this is why either people live in a perpetual state of not knowing what they want or remain, sadly, perpetually single. Also, this is probably the reason why people give up so easily on marriages and drop out of them so easily.
smackie9 Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Hm, you're not even considering what it was that happened or whatever occurred. You're not willing to even take the situation on a case-by-base basis? I'm going by experience (I have dated a lot). If it doesn't feel right then it's not. If you see issues right from the get go, and they find it hard to conduct themselves properly, it's time to run. 1
irc333 Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 I'm going by experience (I have dated a lot). If it doesn't feel right then it's not. If you see issues right from the get go, and they find it hard to conduct themselves properly, it's time to run. Depends on the issue, does it not?
smackie9 Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Jungle Lover... Good reason, this is why either people live in a perpetual state of not knowing what they want or remain, sadly, perpetually single. Also, this is probably the reason why people give up so easily on marriages and drop out of them so easily. No people drop out of marriages easily because of economics. Women are more independent, have careers and can support themselves, rather than the way it was back in the 1950's where most women married to be supported by a husband, making it difficult for women to leave a ****ty marriage. It horrifies me to think about having to go back to dating again. I rather stay married any day. 25 years ago I was dating and I recall how much it sucks ballz.....I wouldn't want to go back to that bull s hit again!
todreaminblue Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 i dont think you can form just opinions about a book by looking at its cover....i found this book once on the ground it was covered in dust and the cover was torn and faded....it was day of the triffids by john wyndham...best save ever.........it had been looked over walked on and kicked around...the book though the words within ...awesome.....thats how i look at people....so one date two dates .......meh..takes more than that to know someone.ill read the whole book and then decide......if they want sex and walk when i say no that's their choice not mine..i am not changing my book for them just because i am willing to read theirs from cover to cover....says more about them than me...i have sefl worth ...adn thats why i give people chances...i dont class myself of more worth than them...until they prove me otherwise by ignoring when i say yeah theres a full stop there ...respect it.....if they choose not to respect as i would respect them ..its them who didnt read properly not me..its thir choice to edn the getting to know you stage not me..deb
smackie9 Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Depends on the issue, does it not? Compatibility concerns me, like kids, I don't do kids. Insecurity, shyness, negativity is a big no. Talk of numbers, sexual past, exes, again no. Cel phone use, and texting, definite no. Poor hygene, talk of sex, cheapness, lack of focus, another no. Here's an example. A guy asks me out for dinner. He picks me up and takes me to a Japanese restaurant. He admits he just had dinner at his mother's so he won't be eating, it was awkward having him watch me eat. I didn't go out with him again. My impression? He's an idiot. Also he was a drip. He never joked, laughed or smiled. He had this serious look on his face the whole time.....conversation was strained and boring.
todreaminblue Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Compatibility concerns me, like kids, I don't do kids. Insecurity, shyness, negativity is a big no. Talk of numbers, sexual past, exes, again no. Cel phone use, and texting, definite no. Poor hygene, talk of sex, cheapness, lack of focus, another no. Here's an example. A guy asks me out for dinner. He picks me up and takes me to a Japanese restaurant. He admits he just had dinner at his mother's so he won't be eating, it was awkward having him watch me eat. I didn't go out with him again. My impression? He's an idiot. i would do it differently....and say you have eaten lets do somethign else ill get dinner later......lets go have dessert instead....and do a backwards dinner.....lol....i wouldnt consider him an idiot for i know what its liek when guys go to their mothers for dinner....try saying no to a mum with an arm load of lasagne...my ex the father fo my girls would come rolling home from his mums place i would giggle when i sat him down to a full fledged dinner and see the look of horror on his face......lol...makes me laugh now....i would just smile and whisper ok you dont have to eat ...wanna work it off instead when the kids go to bed...and see the look of love and relief on his face............i would consider him a smart man who respects and loves his mum..not an idiot at all.....the working off bit is so much fun.....but on dates it would be walking it off .....i save the working it off in a relationship...deb......
smackie9 Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 i dont think you can form just opinions about a book by looking at its cover....i found this book once on the ground it was covered in dust and the cover was torn and faded....it was day of the triffids by john wyndham...best save ever.........it had been looked over walked on and kicked around...the book though the words within ...awesome.....thats how i look at people....so one date two dates .......meh..takes more than that to know someone.ill read the whole book and then decide......if they want sex and walk when i say no that's their choice not mine..i am not changing my book for them just because i am willing to read theirs from cover to cover....says more about them than me...i have sefl worth ...adn thats why i give people chances...i dont class myself of more worth than them...until they prove me otherwise by ignoring when i say yeah theres a full stop there ...respect it.....if they choose not to respect as i would respect them ..its them who didnt read properly not me..its thir choice to edn the getting to know you stage not me..deb Yes you can judge a book by reading the back cover.
smackie9 Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 i would do it differently....and say you have eaten lets do somethign else ill get dinner later......lets go have dessert instead....and do a backwards dinner.....lol....i wouldnt consider him an idiot for i know what its liek when guys go to their mothers for dinner....try saying no to a mum with an arm load of lasagne...my ex the father fo my girls would come rolling home from his mums place i would giggle when i sat him down to a full fledged dinner and see the look of horror on his face......lol...makes me laugh now....i would just smile and whisper ok you dont have to eat ...wanna work it off instead when the kids go to bed...and see the look of love and relief on his face............i would consider him a smart man who respects and loves his mum..not an idiot at all.....the working off bit is so much fun.....but on dates it would be walking it off .....i save the working it off in a relationship...deb...... It was 8:30pm, he was late and I was starving. He could have called me to say change of plans with an apology and met up for desert. He didn't tell me until we got to the restaurant. And we are talking about a first date not a relationship where you are already invested.
smackie9 Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 When I took a guy out on a date, I was on time, I made sure I looked good and I researched where to take him. I expect the same effort.
todreaminblue Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Yes you can judge a book by reading the back cover. ever read a book where the cover was missing? or the back cover had no real clue what was inside......or was faded so you couldnt read the words or dont you bother to read if the cover isnt intact...well loved books are often faded covers tatty pages...no real clue until you delve right into the heart of it word for word.....but thats my opinion i respect yours .........deb
todreaminblue Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 (edited) It was 8:30pm, he was late and I was starving. He could have called me to say change of plans with an apology and met up for desert. He didn't tell me until we got to the restaurant. And we are talking about a first date not a relationship where you are already invested. yeah see if i was starving i would have eaten.....not waited around for a guy to determine my level of starvation....and how cranky it made me. to me it would be an opportunity to have a light snack before...830 is too late for dinner in my mind............save money on dinner and be a bit independent in thought and action.....not sit there getting pissed at a guy starving myself...i would just say too late had to eat lets do something else.next time mayeb call me and let em know.....no judgment no pressure just respect......to me thats maturity and when i am dating whether it be the first date or the last date i am constant, i dont change to suit a relationship so what they get is what they see.......thats why most of my dates end up in relationships, to tell the truth i dont really date i take dating as the start of an intimate relationship(doesnt mean sex)......because once i say yes to a date ....a relationship long term is what i am after.....and the guys know that....because they are normally my friend before and know exactly how i am.....flaws and all..they accept me i accept them..i am careful in the lead up to a date ...but i commit once i make that first date ....to get to know them as best i can.deb Edited July 14, 2014 by todreaminblue
smackie9 Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 ever read a book where the cover was missing? or the back cover had no real clue what was inside......or was faded so you couldnt read the words or dont you bother to read if the cover isnt intact...well loved books are often faded covers tatty pages...no real clue until you delve right into the heart of it word for word.....but thats my opinion i respect yours .........deb If I saw a bum on the street all dirty missing his shirt, I wouldn't say "Hey I'll give him a change to go out with me."
smackie9 Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 yeah see if i was starving i would have eaten.....not waited around for a guy to determine my level of starvation....and how cranky it made me. to me it would be an opportunity to have a light snack before...830 is too late for dinner in my mind............save money on dinner and be a bit independent in thought and action.....not sit there getting pissed at a guy starving myself...i would just say too late had to eat lets do something else.next time mayeb call me and let em know.....no judgment no pressure just respect......to me thats maturity and when i am dating whether it be the first date or the last date i am constant, i dont change to suit a relationship so what they get is what they see.......thats why most of my dates end up in relationships, to tell the truth i dont really date i take dating as the start of an intimate relationship(doesnt mean sex)......because once i say yes to a date ....a relationship long term is what i am after.....and the guys know that....because they are normally my friend before and know exactly how i am.....flaws and all..they accept me i accept them..i am careful in the lead up to a date ...but i commit once i make that first date ....to get to know them as best i can.deb Sorry no, I was expecting a dinner date. He did call to say he was going to be late but failed to tell me he already ate. I was under the impression WE would be having dinner together. If I said f uck it and ate, I bet money on it most guys would be offended since this was a formal date not a meet up at a pub. BTW he wasn't two hours late, it was only half an hour. My complaint isn't because I was starving but A. he lacked communication. B. there was no plan B. He was rude not to call and say change of plans. He is the one who initiated the date, if he had any decency he would come up with a compromise if something came up. Why should I be the one to work out an adjustment for his incompetence. He didn't tell me he already ate until we were sitting in the restaurant.....he's a boob.
smackie9 Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 I can be understanding if my date is open and honest with me. For example when my husband asked me out for our first date, he didn't have a car because it was stolen. He had enough ballz to asked me if I would mind picking him up. I picked him up, drove him to our dates for a month. Since he was being genuine about his situation I never judged once at the fact he had no wheels. He was embarrassed about it, but he stepped up and it's the fact he stepped up spoke volumes to me.
salparadise Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Compatibility concerns me, like kids, I don't do kids. Insecurity, shyness, negativity is a big no. Talk of numbers, sexual past, exes, again no. Cel phone use, and texting, definite no. Poor hygene, talk of sex, cheapness, lack of focus, another no. I believe people should be careful about judging too harshly early on. Certainly there are indicators that reveal that a person isn't compatible, but you aren't doing yourself any favors by attaching too much meaning to insignificant things. You can always find an excuse to X'em. There are no perfect people, and the notion that one can ensure a life of eternal bliss via the hyper-vigilence defense is a delusion; a way of taking yourself out of the game while still running up and down the field. I corresponded with a woman not long ago and asked a casual question that had been answered––I missed (or forgot) a small detail in an earlier message. Her response told me a lot... "Are you reading my letters? [...] It really bothers me to take the time to write just to learn it wasn't read. In order to protect my heart, a defensive mechanism I adopted is to analyze everything a man says and does once he has captured my attention. Have weeded through a lot of liars, cheaters, players, etc. that way. A bit confused this morning?" If there is one thing a man does not need in this life, it's a woman who feels entitled to chastise him for every little oversight, inefficiency or perceived shortcoming... or to have everything he does or says, or doesn't do or say, analyzed. Shortly after I learned that she has been single for 20 years. What I thought (but didn't say) is, how's that working for ya sugga? My ex is an ex for good reason... sure as hell ain't going to hitch up with another neurotic who believes men are on this earth to absorb all the anxiety and frustration she generates by being forced to live in an imperfect world.
ponchsox Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 I find that women may overlook little things if they think there's something to build on. I find men overlook everything and get blinded by the physical attraction only. I know I'm guilty of it.
carhill Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 I tended to be more of a 'benefit of the doubt' person during my years prior to being married. I noted, since being M, that I'm not rude when adverse interactions occur, rather simply accept them as history I'd like to get behind me and move on. I was never really forgiving about big issues, like abusive behaviors, substance abuse, illegal activities, etc, but was very forgiving about the 'little things' that are often shared here as 'red flags'. So, in that sense, marriage changed me. That's what life is about, change.
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