Fiance and I on break she initiated, I want to break up. (Update)

July 13, 2014

Hello all,

My fiance and I are currently only 2 days into a break that she wanted. Although we have had a pretty happy relationship, when I look back, I can see that we we're both becoming too entwined with each other and our ideas really began to clash.

A lot of our problems are because she is depressed, and I have always been wanting her to get the help she needs. I am also at fault too, we are two completely different people. I truley do love her, and thinking back, the signs of the end should have been leaping and screaming at me, but I blinded myself to my own inner voice because I wanted the comfort and love we had. There was a night about a month ago where I was talking to her about how she really should consider enrolling in school so we can have the best version of the future we pictured together. This has always been my one real problem with her, is that she does doesn't seem to have the drive to do that kind of thing, and although I would love to I cannot provide her the future she fantasizes about. She wants a boat load of kids, and a nice house. These are both things I too want, but I know it will take the two of us to make it happen.

So sometime last month, I brought up the topic about her trying to go to school again, and she said she just doesn't want to do anything. She followed this up by saying 'if you don't like that, take your ****ing ring back'. At the time this hurt, but when I look back (hindsight, always 20/20), I should have said what I want to say now.

Flash foreward a bit to this week. We both knew we needed to talk, and I think deep down inside we both knew what the problem was. She said to me 'I love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you'. As one would epect, this hit me right in the feels. It made me question everything, but again, hindsight being what it is I realize I was feeling the same way, though I was hiding it from myself.

After that conversation, I found out that she was talking to another guy (which is very strange as she is not that tyoe of person), and she said it was just because she needed someone to talk to. We knew we were going on a break, we just had to get a day to get together to iron out the details of it, so although I felt a bit betrayed, I didn't make a big deal about it.

I know she must have some desire to test the waters, as I have been the first everything to her. It's human nature, and I don't want to fault her for it. We have both been living inside a fantasy for long enough, and I think she realized this and was grasping at sticks not knowing what to do.

So anyway, the 3 week break started Saturday, with Friday being the last day we talked. We said 'I love you', hugged and kissed, but I think we both knew then it was the end. Between Friday night and this morning, I have been between being a mess and doing a lot of thinking. My friends, which I should say I have more or less neglected the past 2+ years, were there for me when I called, and every time since. They said she will come back, but through really thinking about it, I don't think we should get back together. I know she has been talking to that guy, which deeply bothers me, and one of the rules she wanted on the break was no insertion, which made me question what she was planning on doing. I just said do what you feel is right, and that's where I left it.

Even if she had been with another guy and wanted me back, I would have taken her. But this morning, it dawned on me. We are not right for each other, and it isn't fair to either of us to keep going this way. It sucks, but I actually feel a bit relieved, and to be honest writing this out is helping a lot too. Instead of dwelling, I have surrounded myself with friends and doing things, rather than sitting at home moping.

She is a good person, and I know I am not right for her, and I have come to really allow myself to think and realize that she isn't the girl for me.

Here is the real question. How do I keep this feeling? I am the type of person who thinks of every possible scenario, and I know now that thinking ahead, this is the right call. I can't imagine her or I being very happy, even with a house and kids. She would be home and I would be working for something I would never be able to really see and cherish. I really did try, and maybe time will bring us back together. Also, I want to tell her all of this right now, but since she is the one who called the break, I want to respect her space and not invade, even though the outcome is going to be the same if she wants to come back. I want us to end happily. I don't regret anything we did, and it was good while it lasted. I am hoping she will see it this way too, as we did have love, we just weren't compatible.

Also, she said she doesn't want to do this and doesn't want to hurt me, but this has honestly helped me more than she thinks. I don't really have much faith that she actually wanted to get back together, and I don't think she would see this coming if I did it. I plan on giving her stuff back at the same time, and the only hard thing is taking her off of my car insurance and phone plan. That's actually half of the reason I want to end it now instead of waiting it out, is because I don't want to pay for her phone and car so she can run around with another dude.

I think I am taking this well, as I now know that marriage would have only led to resentment and unhappiness.

I apologize this is so long, but thank you for reading.

TL;DR - Fiance and I are on a break. She called it, I am fairly sure she is talking to another guy. The thing is, I thought I wanted to get back together, but realize a break-up is what is best for both of us. It has only been two days since the break started, but I have come to this conclusion and feel great about it, almost like a weight has been lifted. Is this normal, and should I break the break to end it or respect her space?

July 13, 2014

Sounds like she wants a break to explore things with another guy? Are you okay with that? It's basically getting permission to cheat, if it ends up working with the other guy don't expect her back, if it doesn't she may well come crawling back, with your trust destroyed. If you want to save/work on the relationship do it while together, if not break up, healthy relationships do not need a "break".

July 13, 2014

Sounds like she wants a break to explore things with another guy? Are you okay with that? It's basically getting permission to cheat, if it ends up working with the other guy don't expect her back, if it doesn't she may well come crawling back, with your trust destroyed. If you want to save/work on the relationship do it while together, if not break up, healthy relationships do not need a "break".

I was her first everything from first kiss on. I don't fault her for seeking a normal lifestyle. The trust is not quite gone, but definitely dented. I know she has only texted him and has done nothing physical (at least that I know of).

But like I said, when I really think about it, we just really aren't compatible. We rushed into everything, and I had the same thoughs over the winter that she is having now. Although for me, I didn't talk to her about it, and I did not have a woman involved at all. She did say if I hadn't pried to see what was wrong, she would have not said anything, but that bothers me. She has been talking to this guy since earlier this week, and the only reason I know about it is because she has my old computer and the histories must have synced, because I was looking for something for a class and I saw omegle chat log. I did blow up, but she said it was just someone to talk to. Because we knew a break was coming, she was never really lying about anything.

But as I said, although that does bother me, even if she doesn't do anything more and wants to come back, I just don't think it will work.

She has to work on herself before we can work on us, and I have tried all I can to get her motivated. She just wants to be a housewife and pop out a lot of kids, which I would love, but this is just not realistic at all.

I think we both realize this and just lied to ourselves because we were comfortable, but now that she said she doesn't think theres a spark anymore, I think it is high time we listen to what our inner voices have been saying for a few months.

July 13, 2014

I think her asking for a break was just cushion to lessen the blow of a break up. She seems checked out of your relationship already. IMO - you should break the break to end it. Prolonging it just seems unnecessary.

You have to be prepared for her to try to turn the tables on you though because I'm sure she thinks she's in control right now. If you do this, she might resist a break up. From what I read, you've got your head on straight and know you aren't right for eachother so try not not to get sucked back in if that should happen.

July 13, 2014

Break NC to cut her off. If there's another guy involved nothing good can come of it anyway.

July 14, 2014

Dear anotherrandomgury

I couldn't agree with you more on your assessement of your relationship. It seems to have run it's course as the both of you have changed into two different individuals who in part want the same thing (kids and family etc ) but have different attitudes into achieving this goal. She wants a guy who will provide for her and her kids and have a comfortable lifestyle whereas you want somebody who is a bit more driven and can at least contribute financially to a family environment .

This is not to say that either persons want is good or bad it just means that you have to find those individuals who can fulfill your needs. They are out there if you have the courage to recognise when an existing relationship is no longer working and then move on from it. When you have put in your best efforts into the relationship and the other person is not making the effort in turn then it's not going to work out for either of you. To stick to a relationship because of fear, convenience or just settling is not one worth having. A relationship has got to be balanced if it has any hope of surviving and this one has been out of kilter for a while.

All the best - Bud

July 14, 2014

Absolutely break NC! Do it like this. Call her up (no texts, no email messages).

Tell her she was right about everything. You need to talk to her in person. It won't take long.

Did you get the ring back yet? You will want to do that. Then just explain how she was absolutely right. I would tell her that what you need in your life is not only somebody who loves you, but somebody who is in love with you. Tell her you deserve that, and because she can't give that to you, she's not the girl for you. You don't owe her the explanation above. Just tell her she was right.

Take the ring, wish her luck, and I don't know if you can stand to see her or not, but either ask for NC or don't. It is totally up to you.

This way, you leave with a little class, and your head held up very high, with a lot of self-respect.

One day, you'll have her respect too.

July 14, 2014

It's over. Break NC and end it officially. Ask for the ring, but it was a gift, so no legal right to it if you break it off.

She said to you that she was not IN love with you. Wants a break. Talking to another guy. Told you to take the %$#@! ring back if you didn't like her not wanting to do anything...she wants to end the relationship too.

END IT.

July 14, 2014

ARG: It does sound as though you two have been growing apart. It's a hard thing to face, but kudos to you for being honest with yourself and what you want out of a relationship and a shared life. It will hurt to leave, as biology is a b-tch, but in the long run it will be best for the both of you. You deserve a partner who is on your wavelength.

Call her, meet her somewhere quiet, don't take too long to do it. It's already over. Thank her for the time you spent together, express that you are sorry things that they didn't work out the way you envisioned, she's still lovely, blah blah blah, kiss her good bye and be on your way.

Then keep busy afterward, do not stay in contact, and get rid of any way you can see what she's up to, because if you do it will be detrimental to your well being. Move on with life, happily ever after.

Good luck.

July 14, 2014

Thank you all for your insights.

She has talked to the othe guy all day today and last night, and picture messages were sent. I couldn't help but look on the phone website, which I know isn't a good thing to do but as I said, trust.

The last thing she said before she left that night was that if we do get back together, she wants it to be as if we were dating. To my knowledge, she hasn't done anything physical or anything (the guy lives almost an hour and a half away), but I just think she really is confused and doesn't know what to make of it.

In my time of thinking about things, I just feel as though she may realize this might be a mistake, and she likes what she has. If I break NC, that really is it. But if we were to start back at square one, I could see us working.

Inside of her shell is a real her, one that need help. I have asked her to see a psychologist for a long time, but she always makes excuses. I can forgive the curiosity, but only if it doesn't get physical above a kiss, if even that. If she is willing to recognize that this is a fixable situation, I would be willing to start over if she would be willing to get the help she needs. I have realized that I can live without her, but I don't really want to.

I understand this is a dangerous thought, and I am not holding out too much hope about it. I feel the need to respect her space and genuinely see for herself if she really wants what she thinks she wants. If she wasn't depressed, this would be different, but I know the real her would come out of the break realizing that what we have is worth getting help for.

I am not, however, really expecting this. I am sure I am probably making excuses to myself, but I am not allowing myself to believe this to be the case. I also want to show her that I can go without her, and if I were to break NC just 3 days into the break, she could justify our breaking up instead of actually seeing it.

EDIT: What I am really saying is, I want to give a small chance. If she is willing to get the help she needs for her depression, and we break off the engagment and start anew, it could be okay. I need her to come to her terms, as once it's over, it's over, and I owe her the chance to see if she has it in her. And yes, she is giving the ring back, though I am not sure what to do with it, and it sucks because I still owe money on it

Edited July 14, 2014 by anotherrandomgury
See Edit:

July 14, 2014

I wonder if we can drill down on that "WANT" comment you made. I think just about everybody has been there, the place you now describe. We recognize the thinking.

I'll say it in terms that make sense to me. When I felt like you did, my heart wanted one thing, but my head wanted something completely different. My head was talking sense, and my heart was just being emotional and sentimental. My head ended up being right.

So, assuming that you actually WANT to be with this person, maybe as an exercise, you could describe WHY.

You say:

1) she wants nice things but doesn't want to work for them (no school => no money)

2) not in love with you

3) flies off the handle

4) you're not right for each other

5) she uses your money to date other guys

so, you don't make her sound very attractive. I think your head wrote the first post, and your heart wrote the last one.

July 14, 2014

...and it's your heart that will make excuses for what your head has been telling you! LOOK AT THE FACTS.

July 14, 2014

I wonder if we can drill down on that "WANT" comment you made. I think just about everybody has been there, the place you now describe. We recognize the thinking.

I'll say it in terms that make sense to me. When I felt like you did, my heart wanted one thing, but my head wanted something completely different. My head was talking sense, and my heart was just being emotional and sentimental. My head ended up being right.

So, assuming that you actually WANT to be with this person, maybe as an exercise, you could describe WHY.

You say:

1) she wants nice things but doesn't want to work for them (no school => no money)
2) not in love with you
3) flies off the handle
4) you're not right for each other
5) she uses your money to date other guys

so, you don't make her sound very attractive. I think your head wrote the first post, and your heart wrote the last one.

You are absolutely right. Although for number 5, it is only because of car insurance, and I don't think she's gone to actually meet him. But for the other four, you really are right.

Another thing is, I went into school with the second thing I wanted to do; computer science. But in reality, I have always wanted to be a teacher, but that wouldn't pay enough for the life she wanted. I've made too many compromises with myself, and I have buried the truth for too long. I want to end things on a good note, and I hope she works on her self for her own future, because she can be a better person, even if she doesn't think so.

I know in my head I am done, but I do think if she pulls herself together and we keep in touch (I mean talk in a year or so), then we will be excellent for each other. That is why I have an apprehension for breaking the NC, because I think it will really mess with her mind.

Even if she wants me back, I will say something along the lines of 'what we had was good and real, and I would do it again even if I could go back in time. We were each other's first real, genuine relationship. We had a lot of good times, and there are absolutely no regrets. But right now, we just aren't working out. We need time to work on ourselves, so I think that is what we should focus on. We need to mature more (I don't want to point blame, so I use we, even though I think I did the best I could), and in doing so time will tell. We should stay in touch, but by that I mean not erase each other from each other's life. We had a really good run, and we both grew because of it. Time and self-improvement on both of our parts may lead to a path where we can realistically have what we both want, but if not, we will both be happy either way'

Maybe a kiss on the cheek, and that's that.

And I don't know if that is a commonly used thing people say, but I do mean it. Time will tell, and if she does improve herself and I really dedicate myself to school, and we both mature, I could see us back together.

I do not hold out hope for this, and I will see other people if I feel there is a future with them, but she is my first real love, and I hers, and time will tell, so I am not going to dedicate anything more than entertaining this thought on occasion.

I would like to thank you all for your thoughts and replies once again.

July 14, 2014

Dude, the only reason she wants space is to cheat on you in peace/hoping you'll never find out about it. "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" is the cheater's general line in all scenarios.

She won't seek help, otherwise it would never have come to your "break". The distance to this other guy is the only reason she hasn't hopped into his bed yet.

The only reason that she's hesitant now is because she intended to keep you as backup, but you're about to slip away. She's about to hang in the air with no relationship at all, which was something she wanted to avoid.

You don't need to be her doormat, you know. It's admirable of you that you want to help her, but all your efforts are in vain if she doesn't want to help herself. And she won't. And about your career and its future; you're so focused on what she wants, but this is your life too. Sacrificing so much for someone who cares so little will bring you pain only.

July 14, 2014

Dude, just.....okay, you need to buy a clue.

Taking a break= Breaking up. Don't kid yourself.

She gave you the "ILYBINILWY" speech and is talking to another guy. The day after this "break" happens. Does she mourn the loss of you? Does she mourn the loss of the engagement? NOPE! She spends all day and all night on the phone with another man.

You don't have to have sex in order to cheat on someone. She is emotionally invested in this other dude. So much so, that she threw the man she promised to marry to the curb. She cheated you away with time that could have been spent with you, with planning the wedding and planning a life together.

So, why the three week break? Because she wants test the waters with this other guy. I bet you dollars to donuts that she's making plans to visit him (I mean, an hour an a half car ride is really nothing) because she plans on being physical with him. Then, after the three weeks, if she feels the relationship with this other dude isn't going anywhere, then she has you dumbly waiting on the sidelines for her. "Okay! I love you again! Let's get married!" And if you discover that she had sex with this guy. Well, you can get mad because "WE WERE ON A BREAK! IT DOESN'T COUNT!" Don't you love technicalities!!!! I mean, she couldn't make plans to be with this guy if you were still engaged to her and looking over her shoulder! How could she explain why she was going away for an extended weekend? So, she had to get rid of you. So, if she goes away, well....that's none of your business now is it!

Dude, you need to start NC now and start to heal from this. Block her on Facebook and all other forms of social media. You might just have to eat the cost of the ring. Plus, why would you want it? As a reminder of what you lost? You can try to sell it, but you won't recoup the full amount. I would just eat the cost myself, but that's just me.

Ignore all texts and let all phonecalls go to voicemail. And she may text you something stupid like, "I miss you" But that's only to keep you on the hook. She's pulling on the leash to make sure the dog is still there. Ignore it! Tell yourself she probably text you that from that other dude's bed.

If you made plans for the wedding like renting a hall for the reception, or the church, cancel them and get your deposit back. Cancel the florist, the photographer....all of it.

Remember, she made the choice to have you out of her life, not you! So, do not respond to anything she throws at you. Start to move on with your life as if she's not coming back, because chances are, she's not. Plus, if she tries to come back, you may not want her back after all the crap that she's pulled.

July 20, 2014

Hello all,

To make a long story short, she gave me the whole ILYBINILWY speech, and we decided to take a break. The week before all of this, everything was seemingly fine, with her still talking about kids in the future and all that jazz. I would like to outline the basic details about her and I.

I am 23, she is 21.

I am in school, she wants to be a housewife. I am okay with that, though I have always tried to push her to go to school for something.

She only has 1 real friend (other than people she works with, who are mainly older women).

We never really fought, though we were not a like at all.

We were engaged at the end of March.

Now, here's where I am weird. I always give people the benefit of a doubt, which right now seems to be a pretty big flaw of mine.

She said the whole speech, we laid down rules, and set a period of 3 weeks. She said if we did get together, she wants it to go back to like it was when we were dating, which I agree was good as we were much too comfortable in our relationship.

She also said that she doesn't have that spark (which is normal, 2 years, 3 months), but she does love me a blah blah blah.

The night before she had come over, I discovered she was talking to a guy on omegle, and gave him a fake number (for an app, like not her real number but it would go to her). When I found this, I freaked out, which is something I never do, and called her asking what the **** that was about.

She said it was just someone to talk to, and that she was looking for her friend on there. I was not happy, obviously.

Flash foreward to last Friday, and we're cuddling in my room, and sadly I'll admit we were both crying. She was saying she doesn't want to feel like this, and that she doesn't want to see me like this. I would like to let you know, she is not the nicest person to people, so I find it hard for her to fake that. I do believe she doesn't want to feel this way, but she is immature and doesn't know what real love is. I said there isn't always a spark, and that the grass may be greener, but alas, that probably fell on deaf ears.

So we cuddle, go to dinner, and come back and cuddle more. She was asking a bunch of stupid questions, like how do we say goodbye tonight. I answered saying 'I don't know', and she said a hug and kiss and an I love you. She also told me how she was talking to her manager at work and she told her that she and her husband were seperated, but worked it out and are now happily married. I took this as a good sign (stupid me, I know).

So she leaves that night, complete with hug and kiss. Then she calls me back over for another kiss, which I declined at first, which seemed to kill her inside. I did kiss her again, and off she goes.

So next comes the ****tiest week I have ever had. I couldn't function at work, can't eat, neglected school work, etc. I went on the phone site and saw she was texting someone where the omegle guy lived all day and night, so I just stopped looking on Monday.

This whole thing has ****ed my mind, and I think I am having an existential crises with it.

This Friday, I texted her saying hi, how are you? as I had been doing nothing but driving around thinking all week about irritating things I do, like not listen when people talk and be a little pushy. I wanted to leave off on a better note than we had on Friday, so I just wanted to let her know.

So she ends up calling me a few minutes later, and was like 'I thought we weren't going to talk for 3 weeks'. I explained myself, and she was saying that she is really confused, and that her feelings have been gone for a while and she hates it. She said she didn't think it was any of those things, just that their not there. She said her mom doesn't want us to break up, and she also said that she is sick of people telling her how she feels. She said 'I don't want to waste my time and be with you if I am not going to be with you forever, but I don't want to make a mistake and lose you'. She was really bouncing around, but there was something that made my heart sink.

She said 'I haven't missed you, and I hate that I feel this way'. She said she did want to talk to me about something where she works, but yeah.

She said there is still two weeks left, and she took off the day we are meeting (Aug 2), but she doesn't know if she is coming with a box of my stuff. I have her **** packed up already.

She said she was sorry this was coming completely out of left field, but she just doesn't want to make a mistake. **** that, I am better than that.

Now, my real question is, should I wait the 2 weeks to see what she has to stay? Or should I just end this and go down there for my stuff. On one hand, I do want it to end civily, and if I wait that will more than likely happen (however, even if she does want to get back together, I am saying I need time, because I don't ever want to be someone's backup plan). But if I go there, it will more than likely be a little messier, as I am not in a good ****ing mood right now in the least.

I also have not gone on the phone website in a week, though I want to.

Thoughts on this situation? I know its a case of GIGS, and I do want her to pull through (I don't think she actually saw the guy or anything, but that's just a guess as the distance between them). I am just in a **** spot right now, and any words help.

I apologize for the length, but it actually help me calm down quite a bit.

Thank you!

Edited July 21, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

July 21, 2014

Hey man I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I remember reading your original thread.

It hurts me to say this but I don't think there is anything you can do in this situation. I think it will end in the same way no matter which option you choose.

I always give people the benefit of the doubt too but it never ends well. Go by her actions, not by what she says or what you hope she is going to do/feel. The bottom line is she is texting non-stop with some other guy. She is not reaching out to you and she is upset you aren't respecting the 3 week break.

That's it. Yeah she called you back to kiss her. She was emotional at the time. Girls get that way, and then it goes away just as quick.

Also, is there really any way this will withstand the pressure of time? Even if she does come back. Next year, something new will come up. Or the year after. Or the year after. At some point she is going to get pulled away. This is just the beginning.

After writing all this, I have to say it's time to end it. You know that too, that's why you're posting about it. I really think it will be only more pain for you if you don't. I know it won't be easy. It might even be impossible for you to do it, but I have a feeling looking back you'll regret not doing it sooner. I wish you the best.

July 21, 2014

Hey man I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I remember reading your original thread.

It hurts me to say this but I don't think there is anything you can do in this situation. I think it will end in the same way no matter which option you choose.

I always give people the benefit of the doubt too but it never ends well. Go by her actions, not by what she says or what you hope she is going to do/feel. The bottom line is she is texting non-stop with some other guy. She is not reaching out to you and she is upset you aren't respecting the 3 week break.

That's it. Yeah she called you back to kiss her. She was emotional at the time. Girls get that way, and then it goes away just as quick.

Also, is there really any way this will withstand the pressure of time? Even if she does come back. Next year, something new will come up. Or the year after. Or the year after. At some point she is going to get pulled away. This is just the beginning.

After writing all this, I have to say it's time to end it. You know that too, that's why you're posting about it. I really think it will be only more pain for you if you don't. I know it won't be easy. It might even be impossible for you to do it, but I have a feeling looking back you'll regret not doing it sooner. I wish you the best.

At this point I look at it as her showing her true colors, and I don't need someone like that as a partner. I just don't know what happened to set this off, and thinking back just brings up memories.

And even still, I have this ****ty glimmer of hope it'll be okay, but I know it isn't. 3 weeks ago I would have never pictured this, everything was normal

July 21, 2014

I hear you man. I'm in the same boat having just broke up about 5 weeks ago. Still feels like a dream but it is getting better. Slowly.

It's like you just can't believe it's the same person you know so well.

July 21, 2014

I hear you man. I'm in the same boat having just broke up about 5 weeks ago. Still feels like a dream but it is getting better. Slowly.

It's like you just can't believe it's the same person you know so well.

Yes it does, sadly. Just a week or so before July 4th weeend, she was looking at wedding stuff according to my computer's history. I tell myself that maybe she realized she never go to party and stuff, but she never seemed to care much about that. I just don't get it, but at this point I just want it over with. I have to focus on me and not let this bring me down. Same goes for you. Positive thinking and all that. At least it's a clean break, as we have no mutual friends. Just have to return stuff and swap the car title. **** her for doing this

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Fiance and I on break she initiated, I want to break up. (Update)

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