Rexxy Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Hey everyone, rexxy here again. Lately I've been venting on LV a lot about dating. I'm beginning to think I have an issue that needs to be addressed and I'm hoping someone on these forums may have some advice for me. Whenever I start seeing a girl the first 2 weeks are fine, I'm relaxed, I don't feel the need to keep in contact with them, and I just play it out cool. Everything is ok. After the first 2 weeks I start to get emotionally flustered, I'm constantly over thinking, analyzing every move, text, length of response, even though their is nothing to show that she has lost interest in me. I cannot for one second get her out of my f*cken mind and it's really affecting me. The dating process is suppose to be fun but I just feel terrible, constantly questioning whether she's interested in me, and wondering why she hasn't initiated a conversation through out the day even though im busy and working. Once again, their is no sign she has lost interest since we did meet up twice on the weekend but my head is going crazy with these thoughts. I obviously have some issues going on and I need to work on getting fixed because it's really frustrating and stressing me out for no reason, when I get to this level I usually screw things up with the relationship because I start acting needy for no reason. What in the world is going on?
mammasita Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Do you have any interests of your own? Things that make you happy. You say you're busy with work.....but that's not "keeping busy" with things that you enjoy to prevent you from worrying about how long it's been since she's texted or how long it's taking her to respond. IMO, you should engage in activities outside of work and dating so that the woman you ae dating isn't the only thing you are focused on. Trust me, I know how you feel over analyzing.....I do it too. I'm an introvert so I don't really surround myself with people to take my mind off things. My thing is little home improvement projects and crafts. Once I start researching something.....I'm in a zone. Try it.....it helps!!! 1
ponchsox Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 (edited) Rexxy, I have the same exact problem you do. I went out on a first date with a girl Friday and Saturday and I hear I am worrying already. I think the dates went great yet in the back of my mind I'm already worried something went wrong and she won't want to see me again. Have you sought counseling? I honestly think these emotional insecurities stem from a past breakup that we might not be over as much as we think. We cannot enter a new healthy relationship until we come to terms with our past. Rexxy, one question I have is when you are with your date, do you find you might try to hard to impress her, or make a move on her too quickly? Perhaps you are in constant need of approval and reassurance? Have you had a relationship in the past in which you have lost trust (subconsciously) in women? Edited July 13, 2014 by ponchsox
Author Rexxy Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 Do you have any interests of your own? Things that make you happy. You say you're busy with work.....but that's not "keeping busy" with things that you enjoy to prevent you from worrying about how long it's been since she's texted or how long it's taking her to respond. IMO, you should engage in activities outside of work and dating so that the woman you ae dating isn't the only thing you are focused on. Trust me, I know how you feel over analyzing.....I do it too. I'm an introvert so I don't really surround myself with people to take my mind off things. My thing is little home improvement projects and crafts. Once I start researching something.....I'm in a zone. Try it.....it helps!!! I'm a huge introvert and hardly ever hang out with other people because I'm quite focused on my goals. I honestly do a lot things during the day. I'm up at 4:30 in the morning to get to the boxing,then i got to work from 9 to 5, and then I have boxing again in the afternoon so I'm keeping myself really busy.
todreaminblue Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 i think guys that have had girls or women flake on them get into this mindset of the date went great but...she hasnt replied to me in like an hour since in texted her.....i also think guys who have had women who have flaked on them become set to play the same games.....i dont think this is a good idea.....i think you have to as another poster has suggested interests outside the woman, be yourself, and hope that things ARE exactly as they seem to be... fun dates good times and more dates to be had.......until those dates get to happen, dont sweat the little stuff.....life happens people get busy....if a woman is flakey or playing games it will soon come to light.....the same with guys...guys who are flakey....i actually smile when i find out they are fishy because i dont have to waste any more time ro invest myself in a relationship that goes nowhere ill save it for the guy who counts....the guy who really cares ......that's how i look at flakes ...i prefer them to get the flaking over early so i can move on....and luckily for me they do..its a blessing, for i have a lot to give and i dont want to be with a flake and give it to them........deb
Author Rexxy Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 Rexxy, I have the same exact problem you do. I went out on a first date with a girl Friday and Saturday and I hear I am worrying already. I think the dates went great yet in the back of my mind I'm already worried something went wrong and she won't want to see me again. Have you sought counseling? I honestly think these emotional insecurities stem from a past breakup that we might not be over as much as we think. We cannot enter a new healthy relationship until we come to terms with our past. Rexxy, one question I have is when you are with your date, do you find you might try to hard to impress her, or make a move on her too quickly? Perhaps you are in constant need of approval and reassurance? Have you had a relationship in the past in which you have lost trust (subconsciously) in women? I use to do counseling in the past and I think I need to start it again. I suppose I do try hard to impress her on the dates but it's not me talking myself up but instead been too worried to open up and show her who I really am. We make out every time we meet up whether we're sober or not. I'm always in need of constant approval and reassurance, I hate the feeling. And yes, I did have a relationship in the past the made me lose a lot of trust. I was dating a girl that had come from overseas and broken up with her boyfriend a few months before leaving her home country. We dated for about 3 months and I really started to get attached to her, anyway on the last week before she left to go back to her home country she messaged a day before leaving saying she had fixed things with her boyfriend and had got back with him, but she wanted to catch up with me for one last time before leaving. I never went and saw her because I was absolutely devastated.
Weezy1973 Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Obsessively thinking about our dating partner, especially early on, is actually a natural part of the falling in love process. You should embrace it. All the worries that you are having stems from the fear of losing the person that you're falling in love with. That is something you should try to get under control as there might be an underlying issue. For example you might not feel you're worthy of being loved, and fear that when your girlfriend sees the real you, she'll leave you (just an example, not saying that's the case here).
I am Bud Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Dear Rexxy I speculate that the fear of your obsessiveness is derived from a sense of insecurity that you have within yourself. I think it might have something to do with you not accepting yourself as an individual and because of that you cannot see how other people can accept you for you. After a while you start to become paranoid and start microanalyzing each and everyone of your communication with them. It comes down to the old adage of, if you cannot love yourself then it's going to be much harder to allow someone else to love you. People naturally assume that another person is going to make them complete and they see how happy others are in a relationship. However if you are an insecure person before you have met them, then you are going to be that insecure person when you are with them. You definitely need to learn some methods or techniques to relax and whether it's done through meditation or a professional therapist is up to you. The next time that you meet a girl you might want to disclose that information to her so that she does not get freaked out when it does happen and is maybe able to help you out with it. Give you reassurances to get you through this period. Mind you some girls will probably say, see you later but you will eventually find that special someone with the right attitude who is willing to help you deal with this obsessiveness. All the best - Bud
JungleLover Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 I say this time and time again and guys just don't get it. The answer to this problem is to date more than one person until you are in an exclusive relationship. Otherwise, you obsess over one person and small things such as them not replying to a text in 30 seconds. The woman picks up on your frustration that is manifested in one form of the other, gets a bad feeling about you and starts to fade. You should really try this, OP. You will see the difference in you.
Author Rexxy Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 Obsessively thinking about our dating partner, especially early on, is actually a natural part of the falling in love process. You should embrace it. All the worries that you are having stems from the fear of losing the person that you're falling in love with. That is something you should try to get under control as there might be an underlying issue. For example you might not feel you're worthy of being loved, and fear that when your girlfriend sees the real you, she'll leave you (just an example, not saying that's the case here). You think it may be a natural part of falling in love? And you're right, I sometimes feel I'm not worthy of been loved because I can never be myself around new people and I might just drag her down.
Author Rexxy Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 Dear Rexxy I speculate that the fear of your obsessiveness is derived from a sense of insecurity that you have within yourself. I think it might have something to do with you not accepting yourself as an individual and because of that you cannot see how other people can accept you for you. After a while you start to become paranoid and start microanalyzing each and everyone of your communication with them. It comes down to the old adage of, if you cannot love yourself then it's going to be much harder to allow someone else to love you. People naturally assume that another person is going to make them complete and they see how happy others are in a relationship. However if you are an insecure person before you have met them, then you are going to be that insecure person when you are with them. You definitely need to learn some methods or techniques to relax and whether it's done through meditation or a professional therapist is up to you. The next time that you meet a girl you might want to disclose that information to her so that she does not get freaked out when it does happen and is maybe able to help you out with it. Give you reassurances to get you through this period. Mind you some girls will probably say, see you later but you will eventually find that special someone with the right attitude who is willing to help you deal with this obsessiveness. All the best - Bud Yeah I'm definitely insecure until I'm comfortable with that person, and that takes quite a while to build up too. I did tell her that it can take a while for me to open up and she said "Somethings telling her its worth the wait" I may talk to her about it and see how she responds, shes really caring and has admitted she loves it when people just let them know how they're feeling. It might even help bring us closer and allow me to open up more. I'll see what happens.
Author Rexxy Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 I say this time and time again and guys just don't get it. The answer to this problem is to date more than one person until you are in an exclusive relationship. Otherwise, you obsess over one person and small things such as them not replying to a text in 30 seconds. The woman picks up on your frustration that is manifested in one form of the other, gets a bad feeling about you and starts to fade. You should really try this, OP. You will see the difference in you. I usually do date several girls at once but doing this made me feel a little guilty since the girls weren't dating other guys. But even though I felt guilty it definitely took my mind of the others girls a bit so maybe I should start doing it again.
Versacehottie Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Here's one thing to keep in mind. Based on the fact that you sound driven about your other goals--unfortunately, you can't apply the same "drive" to relationships. It may likely be one reason you are becoming obsessed and you may do other things that will drive the other person away. It's a different skill set that you need in relationships. Like you can't just push hard and push your way into the other person's life. And if you have the social skills and forethought to hang back a bit but the thoughts are still running through your head, it still can have a negative impact. Work on some self esteem stuff and find ways get your mind on other stuff. I generally would say multi-date but i think with some of the other things you have posted that would prevent you from making a real connection which is what i think is important for you to achieve. You just have to accept that dating is a risk but the reward can be great. Relax and enjoy it. And if it fails, pick yourself up as quickly as possibly, learn from it and move on.
Author Rexxy Posted July 14, 2014 Author Posted July 14, 2014 Here's one thing to keep in mind. Based on the fact that you sound driven about your other goals--unfortunately, you can't apply the same "drive" to relationships. It may likely be one reason you are becoming obsessed and you may do other things that will drive the other person away. It's a different skill set that you need in relationships. Like you can't just push hard and push your way into the other person's life. And if you have the social skills and forethought to hang back a bit but the thoughts are still running through your head, it still can have a negative impact. Work on some self esteem stuff and find ways get your mind on other stuff. I generally would say multi-date but i think with some of the other things you have posted that would prevent you from making a real connection which is what i think is important for you to achieve. You just have to accept that dating is a risk but the reward can be great. Relax and enjoy it. And if it fails, pick yourself up as quickly as possibly, learn from it and move on. It's quite hard for me to apply the same 'drive' to a relationship because so much of my time and thoughts is focused on my personal goals. I'm starting to learn how slowly it can take to make way into another persons life and I can't expect it just to happen overnight. Multi-dating would be too hard for me since I can hardly develop a real connection with even one girl. This girl has a lot of patience and is aware of it taking some time and seems to be putting up with my lack of a 'skill set' with dating. She has made it clear that something is worth waiting for with me and I'm just really happy she is giving me the time to adapt. I'll start working on my self-esteem issues and create a mind where I can just relax for one second. Thanks for your help again.
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