Keeping your exes as facebook friends

July 13, 2014

How many of you still have your exes as friends on facebook? And what is your reasoning for keeping them as friends? I'm asking because my boyfriend has his exes as friends on there and it just makes no sense to me why he would. He doesn't speak to them. They are not friends. We were at a party the other night and the ex whom he had the longest relationship with showed up with her boyfriend. She wouldn't even look at him (or me) and did not say hello. He claims he has hidden her so she doesn't show up on his newsfeed and he doesn't snoop on her. So why even keep her on there? In my opinion, people only keep exes on there either to A. Be able to spy on them whenever they want and B. They want to rub things in their ex's face. My boyfriend hardly posts anything (not even when he bought a sweet new car) so he is obviously not trying to rub anything in her face. So, again, why even keep her on there?!

I would understand if they were still friends or were at least cordial to each other whenever they ran into each other but she blatanly ignored him. I asked him why he still has her on there and he couldn't give me an answer. All he said was "maybe because we are both adults about it and neither of us hate each other." So I told him it didn't seem very adult-like of her to not even acknowledge him at the party and say hello. All he had to say to that was that I had a point and perhaps she was too intimidated by me to greet us.

I haven't asked him to delete her nor would I ever do that. That's his profile. He can be friends who whomever he likes. And I'm not sure why it bothers me so much other than the fact that it makes no sense to me and he can't give me a concrete reason as to why they are Facebook friends.

Can anyone explain this? Because I'm thinking the worst as usual. I've been hurt too many times by boyfriends still loving their exes or leaving me for their exes. My boyfriend is crazy about me and I know in my heart that he doesn't want her, but my stupid brain won't stop trying to figure out why he won't delete his ex.

July 13, 2014

I probably have ex's still as friends on FB, but I'm too lazy to go through my friends list or care.

And like your BF, I'm not very active on FB.

July 13, 2014

some people can't let go.

I have never had an EX in the era of FB. Last time I broke up with someone FB was only on college campuses & I was way beyond that.

I would want the person out of my life. I would not want a daily visual reminder of all the fun my EX was having without me. I wouldn't want to rub my new life in their face either.

That said, 25+ years after HS I added my HS BF & his wife as my friends. They live in our neighborhood & DH & I socialize with them once in a while. I don' t think that's what you are talking about though.

July 13, 2014

some people can't let go.

I have never had an EX in the era of FB. Last time I broke up with someone FB was only on college campuses & I was way beyond that.

I would want the person out of my life. I would not want a daily visual reminder of all the fun my EX was having without me. I wouldn't want to rub my new life in their face either.

That said, 25+ years after HS I added my HS BF & his wife as my friends. They live in our neighborhood & DH & I socialize with them once in a while. I don' t think that's what you are talking about though.

It can be pretty messy (FB and ex's)! I had a bunch of pictures of my ex on there and she had commented on everything for years - my page was basically totaled.

I went through and deleted what I could (including her as a friend, she responded by blocking me) but it was still ruined. By then I wasn't even using FB much so I just deleted my account and haven't looked back.

This wasn't just mine either, my moms, friends etc all had lots of stuff from her.

On a similar subject I have a friend that still has about 1500+ pictures of his ex on his computer - they broke up 10 years ago. A few times he'll end up going through them and showing me. I am always like "Dude, why do you still have these?"

Him "I keep everything"

Me -shaking head-

July 13, 2014

Do you want to see the people they are dating and read when they brag about them?

July 13, 2014

I am friends with two fairly serious ex's(one is the mother of my son) on Facebook, but they are from 9+ years ago and there is no romantic feelings left. I blocked my current long term ex from last year on FB, I will NEVER be friends with her on FB again.

July 13, 2014

My bf just recently added his ex last week while we were in a fight and I was like...are you kidding me? They also messaged back and forth and I was like "NO." And he deleted her, but still pissed me off.

I don't think there is any reason to have an ex on your FB unless they are from YEARS ago and it obviously means nothing now. Facebook and all social media make relationships so much more difficult, I hate it.

July 13, 2014

I dont have exes on facebook even though i am friends with them in real life,and i wont i dont see th eneed to add them once i have deleted them, i have only ever added a recent ex on facebook and i deleted him and it has to stay that way......deb

July 13, 2014

Most people on Facebook have 300-400 friends. Maybe he doesn't even remember they're there.

I keep my FB at around 100 friends and still get people on my newsfeed that make me go 'Oh, yeah! Her/Him!'

July 13, 2014

I keep all my exes on FB. I don't stalk or contact them, but I know myself well enough that I can go crazy with wondering what they're doing or who they are dating. So I keep them, and if they show up in my newsfeed, I look. But not snoop. And as long as I don't contact them explicitly, my bf doesn't care either way.

July 13, 2014

I've kept ex's on Facebook, and I've even kept women I've slept with still as friends.

My philosophy, if it's not an issue, let's just remain friends. Though, everyone's different -- I believe personally that my most recent ex, who is still a great person, is going through some turmoil, a confused state right now -- she unfriended me -- there's nothing that I can do about that, and I'm certainly not going to bombard her with texts/calls, that'd only make things worse.

July 13, 2014

Unless they've TRULY become FRIENDS (a true, reliable, caring...none of this self defined BS of a friend that clearly isn't "friendly" at all) and nothing more, I think it's okay to a limit (very limited communication). Otherwise, it's pretty messed up.

Edited July 13, 2014 by soccerrprp

July 14, 2014

I FB blocked 2 that I dated (major red flags and I was creeped out) and one ex who was calling my family being passive-aggressive after we broke up.

A few I dated, I never have unfollowed, doesn't bother me.

July 14, 2014

I think they don't delete them because it's essentially saying:

I hate you now and i'm immature, which is unwanted drama.

In other words, it's easier to just ignore them and you know your true feelings about that person. And block their feed or whatever. And look like they don't affect you--which actually may also be the truth and why he hasn't unfriended.

I think your boyfriend is doing a normal thing. There's no right or wrong about it. It doesn't just apply to exes; it also applies to friends you truly no longer friends with--some falling out--but to unfriend will cause more drama than it's worth.

July 14, 2014

My boyfriend doesn't have any of his ex's on facebook and I don't have any of mine ( not that there is really any) we go further though, emotional relationships, flings... whatever...

If we are trying to make a real crack at a relationship, anything from the past is obliterated. We are the only two that matter. Our present and our future as a team.

July 14, 2014

No. I have a few girls I've "dated" on fb, but no ex girlfriends. There is no point.

July 14, 2014

I've done both.

I've deleted a couple of ex boyfriends that I didn't like or had a bitter breakup with. I didn't want to see what they were up to, and didn't want them to see what I was doing either.

The one guy that I had a very casual breakup with (both liked each other but just not feeling it anymore) I kept as a friend, because well, why delete him? I don't hate the guy, don't want to hurt his feelings or purge him from my life.

I have hundreds of facebook friends. And just because someone's on my facebook friend list, doesn't mean they're actually a friend. Most of them are just acquaintances, sometimes from years ago. I wouldn't expect my partner to read anything very much into the fact that someone is on my facebook friend list (and I wouldn't read anything into the fact that they had an ex on their facebook, either).

Now if they were contacting them daily and having huge long intimate discussions.. that might concern me.

July 14, 2014

Everyone's reasons are different. Some people don't put too much stock into facebook and forget or don't care. Others don't want to make an acrimonious situation any worse by actively going to the effort of deleting them. Others like to keep up with their lives out of sheer curiosity. Some like to self-torture themselves.

My boyfriend has his ex on his facebook, I don't understand because when we bumped into her at a party they wouldn't even look at each other let alone say 'hello', they have absolutely no contact at all. I asked him and he said he just never thought to do it, and that to do it now would be weird and like making a statement when there's no real reason to. He also said when they were together she had a great talent in a particular area and he always encouraged her to make something of it so he would like someday to see that she has made progress in this area. I'm sure he takes a look now and then, it's just curiosity and doesn't mean anything. She has a new bf and I can't imagine how it isn't weird for him to see that because it would be for me with my exes but each to their own!

Me on the other hand, I delete all of my serious exes really fast, usually the day of a breakup. I find it way too painful to keep reminders of somebody around so something like facebook would really impede upon my progress in getting over someone. I keep my less serious exes and friends I've had sex with on their which even some people would be jealous about but they're just friends now. But the serious exes are deleted and blocked.

Also I keep my facebook tightly locked down, have regular culls and would only have someone on my list that I would stop and speak to in the street and that I consider an actual friend. My boyfriend adds anyone and everyone and has over a thousand friends so I don't think it means much his ex is on there. Her new bf is even on his list because they were pals before the ex and friend got together.

July 14, 2014

I am friends with my exes in real life and on FB. Only time I would delete them is if I am in a serious relationship. They both wronged me but I have long moved past it and I don't harbor grudges. I also wouldn't entertain any advances from them if I had a boyfriend.

I haven't had a serious relationship in 6 yrs so it's hard to say what I would do when I enter my next one. For me, it just depends on the ex. Both of my exes have gfs. One of them is serious about his gf and we speak once or twice a year max.

The other texts me regularly and I don't know or care how it would impact his situation if she knew (assuming maybe she doesn't?). I don't really flirt with him anymore and we generally have normal convos about music, interests, etc. I will say both of my exes would greet me and a current man though. Some people feel weird about the whole ex situation. One time the ex that respects his relationship invited me to have dinner with his current gf and mom at his mom's house and it was way too strange for me, so I passed. I wouldn't over think this OP unless they talk a lot outside of FB. Then it would be suspect if she didnt talk to you guys.

Edited July 14, 2014 by nomadic_butterfly

July 14, 2014

I think they don't delete them because it's essentially saying:

I hate you now and i'm immature, which is unwanted drama.

In other words, it's easier to just ignore them and you know your true feelings about that person. And block their feed or whatever. And look like they don't affect you--which actually may also be the truth and why he hasn't unfriended.

I think your boyfriend is doing a normal thing. There's no right or wrong about it. It doesn't just apply to exes; it also applies to friends you truly no longer friends with--some falling out--but to unfriend will cause more drama than it's worth.

You have a point. From what I understand, this girl was a total diva drama queen so I can see why he would just leave her on there to avoid her talking trash about him if he deleted her. But, then again, I don't know why he would care what she thinks if she doesn't matter to him anymore...

Everyone's reasons are different. Some people don't put too much stock into facebook and forget or don't care. Others don't want to make an acrimonious situation any worse by actively going to the effort of deleting them. Others like to keep up with their lives out of sheer curiosity. Some like to self-torture themselves.

My boyfriend has his ex on his facebook, I don't understand because when we bumped into her at a party they wouldn't even look at each other let alone say 'hello', they have absolutely no contact at all. I asked him and he said he just never thought to do it, and that to do it now would be weird and like making a statement when there's no real reason to. He also said when they were together she had a great talent in a particular area and he always encouraged her to make something of it so he would like someday to see that she has made progress in this area. I'm sure he takes a look now and then, it's just curiosity and doesn't mean anything. She has a new bf and I can't imagine how it isn't weird for him to see that because it would be for me with my exes but each to their own!

Me on the other hand, I delete all of my serious exes really fast, usually the day of a breakup. I find it way too painful to keep reminders of somebody around so something like facebook would really impede upon my progress in getting over someone. I keep my less serious exes and friends I've had sex with on their which even some people would be jealous about but they're just friends now. But the serious exes are deleted and blocked.

Also I keep my facebook tightly locked down, have regular culls and would only have someone on my list that I would stop and speak to in the street and that I consider an actual friend. My boyfriend adds anyone and everyone and has over a thousand friends so I don't think it means much his ex is on there. Her new bf is even on his list because they were pals before the ex and friend got together.

We seem a lot alike when it comes to this. I don't have any of my exes as friends on FB because I never care to see or hear from them again. And I wouldn't want the temptation to snoop on them if I still had any kind of feelings for them. I do have guys I hooked up with as friends on there because we are actually friends in real life and actually speak to each other. I don't think my bf is snooping on his ex but I don't like the fact that he has her on there and has that option whenever he wants. And, what's more, he keeps asking me why this bothers me. So he knows it bothers me, but he hasn't voluntarily deleted her. I would like to think if the situation were reversed, that I would delete the ex to keep my partner from being stressed out about it, especially knowing that she has been burned several times in the past by boyfriends leaving her for their exes. But that's my issue to work on, I suppose. I guess I just need to get over it.

July 14, 2014

Also... what is a Facebook?

July 14, 2014

I have a few exes on FB. I wouldn't say I'm good friends with them, but we are cordial and chat sometimes. We definitely DO chat if we bump into each other!!

No point in deleting them.

July 14, 2014

I have no exes in my fb. They were not friends before the relationship and after. My current boyfriend used to have 1 ex as his friend. But he said she's only as an acquaintance. I know he has like 2 other exes on fb, but deleted them. I'm not sure why he kept 1. Anyway, it's fine with me at first. But then I noticed that she suddenly kept on liking most of my bf's posts. I told my bf, it started to bother me, since I'm fine with him just having her as an fb friend, just i don't want the feeling that she snoops or wants to get noticed. For me that's a line crossed on her part. We had a bit of exchange as to whether or not he should delete as he doesn't care about her anyway. But I told him, it's not him that I don't trust, it's her. I told him she's just an acquaintance anyway, so it should not be a big deal for him to unfriend her. But it bothered me and I had a bad feeling about her. I still left for him to decide what to do, I just left my feelings be known. So he ended up unfriending her. He did feel a little bit controlled, yes, but it's a small thing to do for me.

July 14, 2014

My first wife and I have been split for 15 years or so. No feelings left there, and we're actually pretty good friends IRL. So she's on FB. Same with a woman I dated years ago. My latest ex, however, is a strange one. She cheated on me, but after a few months, when I told her I was totally cool with the breakup and only wished her the best, her response was to block me on FB. Hmm, passive-aggressive much?

We still run into each other a couple times a month, and it's awkward, but that's her problem.

So I guess the answer is -- it varies!

July 15, 2014

Yeah, OP, if she was a drama queen, he may not have blocked her or unfriended at the time of their breakup because she would have emailed him to discuss or involved mutual friends or texted him about it. If it's one thing drama queens are known for, it's "addressing situations", ie typically causing more drama.

And then once a certain amount of time has passed, he'd probably either still be worried about the same thing, not even thinking about it one way or another, OR feel like a complete emo wuss to do it at that point.

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Keeping your exes as facebook friends

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