elseaacych Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 (edited) The hardest part of breaking up is realizing that you can no longer express your love for that person or to that person, and living with that feeling every day. I don't think that I will ever not stop caring to some extent about my ex. I am afraid that sometime within the next six months our paths will cross at a mutual event, and I will have to push him away or be distant (regardless of how he acts towards me) so I don't have to deal with the emotions that I associate with him: which is now a lot of hurt, but I still have caring feelings toward him because I had reached the point in the relationship where I cared about him and resolved to love him regardless of all of his faults. In short, I wanted to make it work. Something I worry about very much is that sometime in the future he may come back and express great regret for what he's done and want to get back together. It's not likely, but it's something I worry about, because I believe that with him, once we passed that threshold of breaking up, there was no going back. I don't know how I would handle it if indeed he came begging me back, because to some extent, I still care about him, and could care about him if he cared about me and I enjoyed being with him while we were together. Sorry if this seems confusing. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't know how I would handle my feelings if I ran into my ex, regardless of how he treated me, and it's something I worry about because I still care but I want to be able to handle whatever interaction I have with grace and strength. Thoughts? Edited July 13, 2014 by elseaacych
sugarlove Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 .... What's that you say, you still have a tiny bit of hope left? Give it to me so I can rip it up and stomp it to the ground. It's for your own good. It's okay to continue to care for someone after they have long gone, that's because once there was love and even if it's gone, it doesn't get replaced by hate. I understand how you feel about him regretting his decision. I used to think in that way. But why worry about something that might never happen, as it's unproductive to your healing. If you want to move on, you have to let go completely, not just hanging on by a thread.. but letting go of everything. Every hope, every promise, every future plans, every memories, everything that ties you to him. You let it go and you give it to a higher power. If he is meant for you, he will be back. You don't have to think about it, worry about it, hope about it, wish for it or even dream about it, what you have now is YOU. You are all you have now so place that hope in you. When you move on, this question in your heart won't even bother you. So you must grow stronger in your heart and keep moving on. Who knows where you'll be when you completely let go? But I know it's definitely better than where you are now. 1
theexfiance Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 The hardest part of breaking up is realizing that you can no longer express your love for that person or to that person, and living with that feeling every day. I don't think that I will ever not stop caring to some extent about my ex. I am afraid that sometime within the next six months our paths will cross at a mutual event, and I will have to push him away or be distant (regardless of how he acts towards me) so I don't have to deal with the emotions that I associate with him: which is now a lot of hurt, but I still have caring feelings toward him because I had reached the point in the relationship where I cared about him and resolved to love him regardless of all of his faults. In short, I wanted to make it work. Something I worry about very much is that sometime in the future he may come back and express great regret for what he's done and want to get back together. It's not likely, but it's something I worry about, because I believe that with him, once we passed that threshold of breaking up, there was no going back. I don't know how I would handle it if indeed he came begging me back, because to some extent, I still care about him, and could care about him if he cared about me and I enjoyed being with him while we were together. Sorry if this seems confusing. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't know how I would handle my feelings if I ran into my ex, regardless of how he treated me, and it's something I worry about because I still care but I want to be able to handle whatever interaction I have with grace and strength. Thoughts? You can express your love...by choosing to let them go. Not just in a physical sense, but emotionally as well. If I've learned anything it's this: a great deal of detachment and the detachment process in a relationship is more about you than it is the other person. You may not ever completely stop loving your ex. So what? I can assure you that as time passes, the degree of love you feel will be greatly diminished. Maybe those things will happen and maybe they won't. Regardless, they are out of your control right now. If you're truly concerned about what they will be like do yourself a favor and start the process of letting go. By relinquishing your need for control over these imaginary future scenarios, you can focus on healing yourself and moving forward. Cross those bridges if/when they come. Live in the now. If it helps, do what I do. Pretend you are speaking to the other person and say, "I love you so much, that I'm willing to lose you if you're a better person for it." In the end, if people truly love you and want to be with you, they come back around. If they don't...again, so what? Love is best deserved by those who reciprocate it. Besides, even if you could have control over another person's feelings/a relationship...would you really want to?
Author elseaacych Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 (edited) I think you both are picking up what I am putting down, even if I myself am not sure what I am putting down. To be entirely clear, I do not think a reconciliation is in the cards for us. And it's probably best for me, in the long run, that we've gone our separate ways. And I do not think that it's unhealthy for me to acknowledge that and to acknowledge that to some degree I will care for him. What is best for me is definitely NOT him. If he had committed, I would have tried my best to make him a happy man and love him, because I did. But, because he did not share the same commitment, he chose to move on. So there's that. I'm not happy about it, but that's life. I did all the things. I blocked him, I've gone NC, I've gone to therapy. I've gone on meds. He has made no attempt to reach out, and neither have I. It's not worth it to be in love if you have to be a martyr about it. I want to move on. That being said, I still have a hard time, many months on, reconciling the feelings of attachment and love that remain and my willingness to let go of what was in order to move on. Is this even possible? Edited July 13, 2014 by elseaacych 1
theexfiance Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Yes it is. It starts with being kind to yourself. You need to stop being so hard on yourself and just understand that it's going to take time and patience to get through what you're feeling. What helped me was to understand that letting go of someone and accepting your feelings is an enormously powerful expression of your love. Acceptance naturally follows and attachment slowly dissipates. Try breaking that repetitive cycle of thinking about the other person constantly.
BC1980 Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 That being said, I still have a hard time, many months on, reconciling the feelings of attachment and love that remain and my willingness to let go of what was in order to move on. Is this even possible? I don't know the answer to this question. I think I might always have some love for my ex. This was a person I spent years with and had intended to spend the rest of my life with. It would be near impossible not to love him in some way. It doesn't mean I would take him back or that I'm okay with what he did. I'm still pretty mad about how things went down and some of the choices he intentionally made, but I can't not love him in some part of my heart, even if I don't really like him with the entirety of it. Feelings aren't a choice unfortunately. It's interesting you mention reconciliation. I've wondered if my ex would come crawling back because you truly don't know how life will play out. I think we can says it's pretty unlikely, but stranger things have happened. Anyway, it was difficult for me to realize that I wouldn't take him back. At least, not the person he is. I would always remember the good times, but then I would realize that it's not reality. The end went down a different way, and the trust has been broken. I've imagined how it would look going back to him, and it seems like it would just be filled with mistrust and me holding a grudge against him. I'd constantly be wondering when he would leave me next. I think realizing that it just wouldn't work was the saddest for me. For whatever reason, we didn't work, and I just have to keep thinking that there is something better out there for me. It's difficult at times because we tend to idealize the past. But when I think about how it really was, I was basically with a person who wasn't totally committed. I knew that, and it actually made my life difficult at many times. It was kind of awful actually, and I know that relationships shouldn't be that way. 1
BC1980 Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 I'm reading a book called "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson, and it's been great. It explains why you feel the way you do: idealizing the past, blaming yourself, seeing your ex as better than you. It explains all of this and how to counteract it. 1
Hoosfoos Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Great post. I am wondering how long you were with your ex and how long it's been since the breakup, as I can identify very strongly to your thoughts.
Author elseaacych Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 Great post. I am wondering how long you were with your ex and how long it's been since the breakup, as I can identify very strongly to your thoughts. Eight months, to the day. We were together 3.25 years. The first 3 years were lovely, but the last .25, he just stopped caring. What's really interesting about the whole situation is that I AM better off with out him. He was very needy know-it-all, could not follow through on his ambitions, and bipolar to boot. He had his quirks, but he was kind to me. He was not considerate of my needs, and when I started vocalizing them, and really needed his support to get through a tough time, he slowly became disinterested. At the same time, he found someone new to bounce to, and did so shortly after breaking up with me. His love for me was more of a convenience. Don't get me wrong, he was a nice guy, but an utter train wreck. He is not one that is easy to idealize. Me, I am just me. People've been telling me since I started dating him that I was way too good for him, but I didn't care at the time, because I genuinely loved him. Objectively, I understood how his mind worked. It was evident that he never understood me, even during the course of the relationship. Hell, all I needed was love, and I knew I had many other options, but I did not want to leave him. And look where it got me. Unfortunately, by leaving one social pool and entering another (small town college to small town law school) my immediately available (on a day to day basis) pool of potential matches has rather dwindled. Proximity determines about 98% of who you can fall in love with. BC1980 hit the nail on the head with the possible reconciliation: the fear that they would leave (again), the lack of trust. Even if he was my perfect match in every way, I would be hesitant to take him back. It's the knowing that ultimately THEY couldn't be good enough that makes it hard, when you were willing to give it all. 1
Breadimus Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 E, this will sound terrible but it comforts me that someone as seemingly intelligent as you struggles with this as much as I do. It isn't the loss of the relationship at this stage of the process but of the life you could of had. That is what is eating you up, as it does me. And at our age I would argue this is the first time we are really experiencing stuff going sideways, especially if study and work has always been accomplished with distinction. It hurts when the thing we really tried at, failed. 1
sugarlove Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Just a few hours ago, I was whatapping my childhood friend, and I asked her if her ex ever brought her flowers. It's such a random question but she caught it quickly. She has been calling me a fool for weeks. Yes I'm a fool. Because I'm such a strong woman and I've inspired so many lives... yet for a while, I've been crying over this man who destroyed my trust in ever knowing if the next guy will be cheating on me as well. And my ex, he's an underachiever, stuck in the same job for 6 years in a small company he hates, doesn't plan anything in his life and doesn't gave me flowers/romance. He has often told me he's such a loser and he's so lucky I even fancy him. Now I can see he is indeed a loser. He wasn't strong enough to fight for us, he said he did fought for us but I know it's not true. Because all those times he's fighting for us, I was with him doing it together. Now he left me fighting for us alone. I felt I was lied to for the entire relationship, someone like me, can have a wool pulled over my eyes in the guise of love. It sucks. But he's so nice to me though. One of the nicest guys I've been with, and from the start it was just smooth sailing, hardly fight, hardly disagree and we were reading each other minds. I literally thought this is it, he is the one I'm going to be for the rest of my life. Overnight, he isn't. It's hard. Let's not kid ourselves that they are moving on as easy as they seem. But aren't you tired? I am. I'm tired. I'm just tired of pining for him, feeling sad, tired of wondering why. So there has to come a time when you just ask yourself how long can you hold on... when can you let go. And you just let go. 1
realfriends Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 You shouldn't worry about the what ifs in life. What if he comes back What if he begs to do anything to have me back What if... He hasn't, and for all you know he never will Worry about stuff that you do know Worry about the present (I had this problem for a long long time. We are roughly in the same time frame of recovery 7-8 months NC) 1
Author elseaacych Posted July 16, 2014 Author Posted July 16, 2014 I don't know what I am holding onto anymore, aside from a fear that I will see him out at a social event- even then, I don't think he'd speak to me because he's just that kind of guy. I can't even call what we had "special" any more, because all it is now is just another ended relationship in a sea of dead romances. That saddens me. So when I say I want to let go, I want to let go. Thanks, all, for your kind thoughts.
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