SoonMyFriend Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 I've been dating someone for a couple of months now, and we've briefly discussed our recent dating pasts. He knows I had a serious LTR that I ended two years ago, and that I dated someone after him for about 8 months. I know that he ended a three year relationships a year ago and has been single since. About a week ago one of his close friends joked about my bf's "crazy ex" and asked me if I knew all about her yet. I joked back that I also have a crazy ex and no we haven't gone into those details yet. And his friend replied "really, you haven't had that talk yet???" Do you guys normally go into full details of past relationships with new partners - or at least new partners that you feel you could have a future with? (I do feel this guy is a great catch and I do want to make this a serious relationship). I am torn. I get jealous and insecure in new relationships so I don't know how much detail I want because I might start to feel I don't measure up to these other girls. But at the same time, it might be good to know what didn't work in his other relationships so we know not to repeat those patterns. I am open to discussing my past with him if he wants to know...
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 The info you have now is appropriate. Some details may come out over time in the ordinary course of conversation but there's not need to go into a complete break down of the last relationships. 1
Gaeta Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 No never, I just want a summarize like how long they've been married, how long they've been single. Nothing more. If things come up during a conversation then no problem but I am not specifically asking details of their relationships. It would be a one-side story anyway.
sugarlove Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Take everything someone say about his or her breakup with a grain of salt. People tend to say what they want you to hear. I learn not to listen to the words, but to watch the face when they talk about their exes. On the other hand, if he doesn't want to talk about his exes in detail, then perhaps he is considering your feelings and also shows respect towards his exes as well.
bubbaganoosh Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 If both of your were in LTR then it's obvious that your both had sex with your former partners. Nothing earth shattering about that. If you two have "the talk" then if one of you starts out with I was in porn movies or was involved in swinging or something out of the mainstream, then IMO tread lightly and hope for the best. Some people aren't as thick skinned as others and egos bruise easy with some. But if it was just your regular run of the mill relationships then discuss it but no matter what happened in the past, you can't hit the rewind button and it's gone. I was married twice and even though both failed, I knew both of my wives were in past relationships before me and I knew they just didn't indulge in passionate hand holding.
Cunning_Linguist Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 I usually avoid these subjects. It makes me feel like we are comparing each other to past partners, which is something I don't like doing. I also feel like a gentleman doesn't reveal details about previous partners.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 I don't want to know about anyone's past. I'd be really insecure about that and would probably have lots of jealousy or judgement issues. So to avoid all of that, I'd rather just not know at all. And I have no past except for girls that I liked who rejected me. I don't think it's all that attractive to be a guy who has never even kissed a girl before, so I wouldn't want to talk about my past either. Don't ask, don't tell. That's my policy.
bu2002 Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 I think there's a way to get specific without getting every detail. If you want to know in general, what issues have caused problems within a relationship for him, that can be a discussion without specific names mentioned. If you want to know some major takeaways he's gotten out of relationships, there's a way to talk about it without intimate details. The guy can talk about why a girl having a stable family environment is important to him without having to indicate his ex-girlfriend Jennifer had a Dad who verbally abused her and then divorced her mother when she was 14 and she's had a chip on her shoulder towards guys ever since.
Els Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Nah, don't worry about what others say you should know. If you're both comfortable with the level of disclosure in your R that's all that matters. My SO and I do know most things about each others' past, including exes. It just happened naturally and as part of conversation. But we hadn't known/told much at the 2 month mark, I don't think (can't remember exactly, it's been ages since we started). It mostly came out gradually over the years, there was never a need for a serious discussion about every little detail.
carhill Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 I am torn. I get jealous and insecure in new relationships so I don't know how much detail I want because I might start to feel I don't measure up to these other girls. But at the same time, it might be good to know what didn't work in his other relationships so we know not to repeat those patterns. I am open to discussing my past with him if he wants to know... One aspect to focus on during mirror time (that's working on yourself) is why you get jealous and insecure in new relationships and how the interactions regarding disclosure of past relationship behavior either feeds or ameliorates those feelings. Personally, though I've had ex'es, including an ex-spouse, I've never had a 'crazy' ex. Generally, when I've shared relationship history, I've confined it to my own experiences, what I learned about myself and, if anything about a prior partner, only what they shared freely publicly. Our private relationship business remained private. My best friend's wife, who's known me for over 20 years, and knew my exW, tells me I don't 'hate' her enough. Maybe she's right so take my perspective FWIW.
darkman11985 Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 i think if you're the type to get jealous, it might not be that valuable for you to have full details about his previous relationship. it should be more important how he handles tough situations. honestly hearing how he handled a rough situation in the past won't really tell you enough about him. what you really need to know is "has he learned from his past issues, and is now a better person?" by hearing about the previous relationship, you might lose focus on the person you want to be with. you're not really interested in the ex girlfriend. When you become more secure in the relationship, it might be time to have that talk if you still care. But hopefully by then you won't This situation actually sounds perfect for an experiment I'm running on how people get relationship advice online. If you're interested in being a part of it, please fill out this survey: https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/M9B9NXS
WhiskeyJack Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 I'd rather just have the basic info you have, then go into any great details. I don't see the need.
acrosstheuniverse Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 I would ignore the friend of your boyfriend's. I mean come on, pretty much EVERYONE could say their ex was 'crazy' in one way or another. I don't think it's necessary to know any details unless they may impact upon you in any way (say if she was likely to start giving you trouble). My new boyfriend (of six months) and I know most things about one another's past, we had a conversation about our previous relationships and then since then things have kinda dripped into the conversation as and when appropriate. For example we bumped into my ex at a show on Saturday night and my boyfriend asked which ex it was, so I explained it's the ex I was with during these years, he asked how it ended and I told him. Then we got on with enjoying the gig. Another time we bumped into his ex, and he told me a little more detail about their relationship. But it's never like a feature of our proper detailed conversations together. I too had a tendency to get jealous when discussing a partner's past but it's not quite as bad now I'm older thankfully.The thing about our town is you can barely attend one music event or another without bumping into one of our exes because it's such a tiny scene. I'm still kinda dodging my most recent ex from late last year because it still hurts. It would be difficult to explain this to my boyfriend without being honest about why I'm suddenly not going to this event or that event. He understands and knows that it's nothing to do with not being over him, he wouldn't particularly choose to spend any time in the same room with his ex either because it still hurts for him and it's been a while longer than mine. On the other hand we both have less serious ex relationships which are no issue, we would both meet up for a coffee with these people if in town and invite the other along. They're more 'friends' now than serious painful exes.
todreaminblue Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 i think graphics and comparisons are a no go zone......i think minimal info necessary on a need to know basis...mostly they dont need to know a play by play account.......deb 1
Author SoonMyFriend Posted July 14, 2014 Author Posted July 14, 2014 OK I am on the same page as all of you - give me the basic facts and anything else will come out over time. Thanks for the reassurance! I thought maybe I had missed the memo and was missing out on information I should have... All I care about is 1) whether someone still has feelings for an ex because I am not the girl you "settle" for 2) whether an ex is legitimately a threat to us because they are unstable/violent/whatever... In this case neither seem to be applicable so I am happy to keep on going as is
ponchsox Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 It's not really needed until you get deeper into a relationship and talk about your last serious relationship, especially if one person was in a divorce. It's always good to know where a person's heart is at and if they're ready to find love again.
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