sillybint Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Trying desperately to understand why I can't seem to let go of the memory/longing for my ex-boyfriend. It's been nearly 4 years since we broke up (he ended it) and I'm trying to date new people (one person really), but I can't get my ex out of my head. I'm really really frustrated with this and I feel like it's stopping me loving the guy I'm dating who is actually perfect for me. How do you deal with the constant and seemingly unending longing/fantasizing?
sugarlove Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Love, what is normal these days? It's hard to estimate how long one will forget their exes... Normal or not, it's not acceptable. You have only one life to live on this earth and you've a lot to accomplish in this lifetime. Marriage, family, kids etc. You can't wait for this guy to return to you, your time is precious and you have wasted 4 years pining for him. Now what's really bothering me is the guy you are dating now. I feel for him, truly. To have your thoughts wandering off to another man while you're with him is emotionally unfair, selfish and very hurtful. If you say he is indeed perfect for you, you MUST give him as much as he has given to you as he deserves it. A healthy relationship involves 2 partners who are completely committed to each other. If you are still thinking of the ex, I beg you to let this guy go as you are going to hurt him in the long run. He, just like you, has a short precious life and you are now wasting his time as well when you can release him so he can find someone who actually want to devote herself to him.
Author sillybint Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 Thank you for your input Sugarlove. I know what you mean, I have been totally upfront about it with the guy I'm sort of dating, and technically, we're 'friends who hang out' rather than actually dating. He's told me he's fallen for me and I've told him I need to figure out how to deal with the ex issue before I enter into something more meaningful with him. He's so understanding and lovely; I respect him A LOT so I won't be with him romantically just yet - fortunately for me, he's happy to wait for me to catch up. I'm just worried that I won't catch up in time and he'll move on. I'm sort of stuck with one foot in the past and one in the future....
sugarlove Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Thank you for your input Sugarlove. I know what you mean, I have been totally upfront about it with the guy I'm sort of dating, and technically, we're 'friends who hang out' rather than actually dating. He's told me he's fallen for me and I've told him I need to figure out how to deal with the ex issue before I enter into something more meaningful with him. He's so understanding and lovely; I respect him A LOT so I won't be with him romantically just yet - fortunately for me, he's happy to wait for me to catch up. I'm just worried that I won't catch up in time and he'll move on. I'm sort of stuck with one foot in the past and one in the future.... Why care for the past when the past is over, what you have now is your present. This guy is in your present. So make the choice wisely because you might not have him again in your future. 1
Absinthe Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 I have an ex who I've known and been on-off with for a total of eight years now. It doesn't exactly help that he doesn't actually want me but can't leave me alone and pops back periodically to manipulate my emotions. Particularly if he gets wind of a new boyfriend. I ended up sabotaging my last relationship because I fell for the ex AGAIN. Don't let this happen to you. Understand a few things: 1) You and your ex are apart for a VERY good reason 2) The grass is NEVER greener 3) Closure can only come from within 1
theexfiance Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Why care for the past when the past is over, what you have now is your present. This guy is in your present. So make the choice wisely because you might not have him again in your future. This rings with a very strong sense of truth. My ex-fiance was so hung up on her past that she chose to run away to an ex and thus, ruined any chance of having me around in her future. The reality of this decision may not impact her immediately. But after some time has passed...she will see that mistake and it will be too late. Don't be that way. It sounds like you really like the guy that you're with. Longing for your ex is normal. The more that you question that, the worse you're likely to feel about your circumstances. A national study was published that indicated that 70% of people in marriages/committed relationships thought about an ex up to 6 years after the relationship was over. You ARE normal. HOWEVER... Thoughts and actions are two very different things. You moving on is going to require you staying in the present and being truthful about how you feel about the guy who's standing before you. Be fair to him and give your relationship 100% of your attention. If you can't, be honest. Do NOT string him along for several years and cause him pain. He also deserves to be happy. 1
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