GilesB Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 The guy I’m with has been in his ‘man cave’ for over a week now. I know work has been stressful for him recently and he can only focus on one thing at a time, but now it’s been 9 days, I’m starting to worry about him. Is this normal? I know there is no set amount of time that a guy needs his space, but should I contact him? Part of me thinks that he may be mad at me because last week he texted me saying work was really stressful and he apologised in advance that he is going to be swamped, and I forgot to reply for a few days. I wouldn’t think that would bother guys and I think I’m making it worse for myself trying to think too much about this situation. I just need some advice Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 I don't beleive in 9 day caves. When someone drops out of contact for that long, it simply means that they are not that interested in you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rocketman122 Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Too little infornation to give an opinion. Ur status how long together age and many other thibgs that help us help u. Ive done longer but it was because of a fight. And whats this bs cave? Like women dont do the cave thing as well. They do. Link to post Share on other sites
JungleLover Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 The whole "I forgot to reply for a few days" just doesn't jive well. How do you forget to reply to someone for a few days? Did he not come up in your mind all of that time? Now he forgets to reply for a few days and something is wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GilesB Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 We've been together for just over 3 months. I am 22 and he is 23. We are exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend. We usually contact several times a day, so this is really odd. He pre-warned me he would be busy with a work event and apologised if he seems distant. I replied 5 says later as I originally wanted to give him space and then I forgot. I didn't ask him anything but said I hope that he is managing to relax a bit. I maybe should've said I'm here for him but he knows that. I just don't want to text him again if it's gonna bug him. My guy friends who vaguely know him say that he is probably just wanting space and it's not that he doesn't like me. They also said he could be pissed that I waited for 5 days to reply and didn't apologise for it... Link to post Share on other sites
Author GilesB Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 I thought I had replied to him as I normally do straight away, but I've been busy with work too this week and only realised a few days later that I hadn't. I do take the blame for that and I probably should have apologised. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 He's. Not. That. Into. You. You are not the exception to the rule. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 He's feeling smothered and hasn't had enough time for himself...but he's taking quite a long time for me time, unless he's just been so busy he hasn't had anytime to himself and just feels like work for him instead of relaxation. But I don't think he's really interested in you or having a relationship, a lot of guys start off strong and spend a lot of time with you in the beginning and then they just want to go back to life as normal, they ultimately want to be independent...not having to contact someone all the time and move their life around to accommodate someone else's needs, or they just expect that person to adjust to their personal schedule...they just want to be able to manage their life again because you've been taking a bigger space than they're used to. Sometimes women expect men to maintain this unrealistic pace and consistency in a relationship that men cannot sustain, that initial infatuation stage that nearly every man does...but because it's happened "before" it's like supposed to happen forever and ever. That stage will only endure if there's more to the relationship however. Therefore I don't think this guy is ready for a relationship and/or that interested in you, personally I would suggest judging him by his behavior rather than trying to "fight" for the relationship...you can have a conversation with him and tell him how you feel and all that, but you're better off figuring out what he wants and needs instead of just venting your fears, anxieties, concerns about feeling neglected or rejected, because if he doesn't really want to be in a relationship then it really doesn't matter how you feel, it's better to leave things where they are now rather than keep pushing a guy to do something he doesn't want to...unfortunately many women think relationships mean going down to the bitter end, even if the guy clearly acts and behaves like he doesn't want to be in one or doesn't want what she wants, just because of what he said and did before...look, people make mistakes, people say and do a lot of things they don't mean and know what they mean and people make decisions based off emotions and needs/desires (like your vagina) in the moment, it doesn't mean they're going to fulfill that promise. So if you're wise, have a conversation, find out what each other needs and want in life right now and see if that's a real possibility without all the fluffy feelings, women like to alter men's behavior by leading with their emotions to change the man's behavior to what they want it to be, but you're just trying to train a monkey in that way, not getting a man to feel the way you do about it...because he might just be over it at this point, you can't judge from what a man does in the beginning alone. Find out where he is at now, and if you want the honest truth then be truthfully honest with yourself, use your head and your gut feeling about this. And if you're not ok with it, then make a decision for yourself WITHOUT trying to guilt him or do some other trickery to make him want to stay in the relationship, and then women say men waste their time...like really? Be objective if you really want the truth, be emotional if you just want to hope some more. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Maybe he lost his phone. His grandma could have died? He could be really sick? Most guys who are going through even the most rough of times will seek solace in the woman that has captured their heart... they will feel the most at peace with the woman they are crazy about. Sometimes, the exception to the rule, is when a guy meets a girl that he is genuinely falling in love with and he pushes her away; it happens yes, but most men who are genuinely falling in love do not go away for 9 days. They just don't. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 You forgot to respond to him for a couple days? That's insanity. Even when things are insane, crazy, out of control.....you don't go 9 days without contacting your significant other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 How long is normal for a man to be 'in his cave'? Having been married, for myself it was a day, tops. The 'worst' was during caregiving and I'd just want to disconnect for a day so I'd take a red-eye to NYC, walk around a bit, collect my wits and fly home, being gone around 24 hours or so. That was my respite from the craziness. Still, my exW knew where I was and I was in contact, just not in person. IME, in dating situations, barring extreme emergencies like severe illness or death, people who genuinely care for each other don't just disappear. We're all busy. No one has the market cornered on work or personal 'business'. One sign of a truly successful person is they can organize and prioritize work and personal life to balance. Watch for that. Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 That's a bad sign if you feel you can't call him for 5 minutes just to see how he's doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 He's. Not. That. Into. You. You are not the exception to the rule. And she's not that into him. Officially dating and you forget to answer a text from your boyfriend.... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 You're in an exclusive relationship, yet you "forgot" to reply for days and didn't apologize? OP, the problem seems to be you. Not him. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 We've been together for just over 3 months. I am 22 and he is 23. We are exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend. We usually contact several times a day, so this is really odd. He pre-warned me he would be busy with a work event and apologised if he seems distant. I replied 5 says later as I originally wanted to give him space and then I forgot. I didn't ask him anything but said I hope that he is managing to relax a bit. I maybe should've said I'm here for him but he knows that. I just don't want to text him again if it's gonna bug him. My guy friends who vaguely know him say that he is probably just wanting space and it's not that he doesn't like me. They also said he could be pissed that I waited for 5 days to reply and didn't apologise for it... You forgot about him, he's serving you the same dish. He told you he was going to be busy, he did not ask for you to disappear on him or ignore his communication. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 OP, respecting the very good point others have made about you contacting him in a timely manner, I'd suggest, especially in times of limited contact, to endeavor to actually speak with him, not type things into a phone. You're girlfriend and boyfriend; you make love. Banging on an electronic device doesn't do that love justice. Food for thought. Speak into it instead and connect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GilesB Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 Oh man! yea I totally see what you guys mean. I feel so bad I just thought he needed space, but still 9 days is a long time!!....what should I say? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 You apologize and say you misinterpreted his needs. Call or go see him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GilesB Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 Ok. I think the only thing that's been holding me back is that he hasn't communicated with me in 9 days, so even if he was upset I thought he would've contacted me by now. I guess I should just see what happens rather than trying to figure it out in my head. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Ok. I think the only thing that's been holding me back is that he hasn't communicated with me in 9 days, so even if he was upset I thought he would've contacted me by now. I guess I should just see what happens rather than trying to figure it out in my head. Afraid to rock the boat? Instead of figuring it out in your head give him a call. He's your boyfriend, you are in a relationship with this person. If my boyfriend had not contacted me in 9 days I would consider myself single. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 nine days? I would dump someone who was so unable to balance life that they need NINE DAYS w/o contact from their significant other. that's effin ridiculous. this guy is either trying to dump you by not talking to you or he is not capable of functioning like a normal person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GravityMan Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Unless he works for the CIA in some covert-ops capacity out in the field...or is in the military and deployed overseas on a mission, going longer than say 2-3 days without contacting his significant other in some way is a clear sign that something is wrong. It may or may not mean that he's not that into you. Whatever the reason, it is clear that the relationship is not healthy. (Same goes for women.) Men and women who are into their partners and happy with their relationships keep in frequent contact with their partners. That's almost a guarantee. That includes business-people who work 100 hours a week and travel internationally often. Non-problematic exceptions to that are rare. OP, it's understandable for your BF to be a bit distant and preoccupied with his work event. But there's a difference between being distant and being out of contact for 1.5 weeks. It's often during times like this where a person will value the support of his significant other the most. I suggest calling him or go see him, just to see how he's doing. While most people like having a little space every now and then...if your BF's indeed feeling smothered then I wonder if you two are really compatible with each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GilesB Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 Ok I will just contact him and see. Hopefully we can work it out. If not he isn't worth it Link to post Share on other sites
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