Why would a woman want space and time instead of working on the issue?

July 13, 2014

I'm one if their is a problem you work on the issue that is if I knew what it was. Sometimes there is an issue but women won't really say they just spring it on you then say they need space and time to regroup.

July 13, 2014

My apology for all the women here. But I tend to do that so I can have some quiet time to think if I should consider emotional blackmail or just sympathy tears.

Kidding.

Personally, sometimes we just don't even know ourselves. WE try to listen to our gut feeling but couldn't put a finger on it. Other times, we just want to think if we are overreacting over a small issue.

July 13, 2014

Women are not known to be the greatest of problems solvers in relationships, they just want whatever the problem is to be over or out of their way.

Therefore you should fix the problem, and then get back to her when you do...they just want the solutions.

Let me give you the advice your dad never gave you...

Don't ask women for logical/rational explanations, there is no rational answer...they haven't thought about it and they don't know. You're only going to make it harder on yourself trying to figure it out.

You have to understand the ever changing variable within women, once you figure that then you'll be able to interpret her behavior. Alas, that is much harder to explain to you.

The only reason i ask women questions is mostly out of a sheer frustration, because I already know the damn answers...but ultimately to understand her you need to pay attention to how she behaves, women believe they are highly simple to understand and transparent because they see things from their perspective only, so she will think she is being clear. They also believe they are much better communicators than they really are, but in reality they just think you think like they think and understand things the way they do, and that's how they try to interpret your behavior..when that doesn't work then they give up or just throw themselves helplessly into a situation until by some miracles it just fixes itself.

July 13, 2014

Why would a woman want space and time instead of working on the issue?

IME, having been married, one possibility/probability is to connect with the think tank and sort out her emotions and thoughts. The 'think tank' are/were her girlfriends.

July 13, 2014

Sometimes there is an issue but women won't really say they just spring it on you then say they need space and time to regroup.

She is trying to decide whether to stay with you or working on moving on from you.

July 13, 2014

The gender specific stereotypes in this thread are staggering.

Some people -- of both genders -- are not good problem solvers or communicators. Other people have styles that require more contemplation.

However, "Space" and "time" tend to be universal synonyms for I want out but I'm gonna rip the bandaid off slowly & drag out this break up because I don't have the backbone to do it quickly.

July 13, 2014

An incident happened that supposedly triggered a bad memory of an incident in the past. I knew about incident but I didn't realize my actions triggered it. Now it's we need to slow things down then it went to space and time to regroup to now she says ok but she has to cope with this on her own. She is on the verge of being on her own soon. I've apologized and offered to do whatever to make it up. It's like I'm being punished. I feel bad about it and willing to work through this bit it's like she is avoiding it

Edited July 13, 2014 by joystickd

July 13, 2014

Don't beat yourself up for it...if you did something unknowingly that triggered some kind of response then you're even less aware of how to fix it and make it up...and this is not for you to fix or repair, if you take on the white-knight role you'll get burned.

Let her deal with this on her own to a degree, don't try to smother her and cling to her, apologizing and apologizing trying to make up for what happened....which you didn't know. If you try too hard to understand and get her to be more open than she's willing she might shut-down and with-drawl from you even more, so you've got to retain some distance in this matter.

Just give her some space, ease up and then maybe do something nice for her to show her you care or are thinking about her.

Remember, this is not about you, or you fixing the problem, women don't really care about that or want that...they just want support and to be understood, and listened to when they do talk.

At the end of the day if you feel like she is just not interested and doesn't really want your support, then take the hint...don't keep pursuing and pressing her, it'll just make you look desperate and like you're not taking the hint.

Trust me, if she wanted your help...she would come to you. If she's not interacting with you in any way and doesn't respond to your concerns and care, then she's not interested.

July 13, 2014

Something she had overcome is now feeling fresh and raw and an action you did is similar to one she experienced before.

She needs some time out to regain trust in you from the sound of it and to get over the rawness again.

She can only do that on her own.

To answer the OP, I have only ever asked for space when I felt smothered.

Clearly though there's more to this situation than was apparent from the opening post.

July 13, 2014

She needs space and time because she needs space and time for herself not because she's a woman who needs a man to tell her how to think.

Or she is trying to figure out the best way to end the relationship.

July 13, 2014

Looks like you're going to have to exercise some patience here. When it comes to trauma, you have to accommodate these incidents if you think she's worth it. Like Ninja said, don't beat yourself up and conversely don't try to be the hero. Just being understanding is enough, and recognizing she has got to work this out on her own. If you can allow her to do that while maintaining some kind of balance, then she will respect you a lot more .

July 13, 2014

Something she had overcome is now feeling fresh and raw and an action you did is similar to one she experienced before.

She needs some time out to regain trust in you from the sound of it and to get over the rawness again.

She can only do that on her own.

To answer the OP, I have only ever asked for space when I felt smothered.
Clearly though there's more to this situation than was apparent from the opening post.

The only issue I have is that I equate space to an excuse to get me to catch the hint and end the relationship. The only thing that has kept me from that is that she said she cares so much about me. Then she also said she saw a future with me, but the whole space thing really bothers me.

What happened was we were kissing and stuff. It got hot and heavy. She likes to tease and I kind of grab her and said hey come on I'm hard you got to help me. I'm friendly not overly aggressive. she pulled away and I asked 2 more times and left it at that. She didn't have any bad reactions at the time. I found out a day later that it made her feel that way. She had been raped as a teen. I actually cried because I never would want to do that to anyone. I feel terrible once I realized what happened. I never thought I was being overly aggressive.

July 13, 2014

The only issue I have is that I equate space to an excuse to get me to catch the hint and end the relationship. The only thing that has kept me from that is that she said she cares so much about me. Then she also said she saw a future with me, but the whole space thing really bothers me.

What happened was we were kissing and stuff. It got hot and heavy. She likes to tease and I kind of grab her and said hey come on I'm hard you got to help me. I'm friendly not overly aggressive. she pulled away and I asked 2 more times and left it at that. She didn't have any bad reactions at the time. I found out a day later that it made her feel that way. She had been raped as a teen. I actually cried because I never would want to do that to anyone. I feel terrible once I realized what happened. I never thought I was being overly aggressive.

This was your mistake right there. She pulled away and you insisted when she was clearly uncomfortable. I'd consider my relationship with a guy if he did that, sorry I'm just being honest. Is it worth breaking up over? Maybe not but it is something she will have to be open about and talk to you about at some point if she wants to stay in a relationship.

I'd be turned off if a guy asked me to "help him". Sex should be beneficial to both parties not just one. So, I can sort of understand where she's coming form.

July 13, 2014

I think it's kind of ironic that you are attributing this to women. In my experience, it's typically men who want to retreat to "man cave" or whatever, while the women want to talk about it, talk about it, talk about it.

Maybe it is an individual thing.

If someone really needs space, they probably want to have a chance to settle down inside and see what they really are feeling and wanting in the situation rather than being reactive.

Also, though, some people say they need space when what they really want is to avoid the whole thing.

July 13, 2014

This was your mistake right there. She pulled away and you insisted when she was clearly uncomfortable. I'd consider my relationship with a guy if he did that, sorry I'm just being honest. Is it worth breaking up over? Maybe not but it is something she will have to be open about and talk to you about at some point if she wants to stay in a relationship.

I'd be turned off if a guy asked me to "help him". Sex should be beneficial to both parties not just one. So, I can sort of understand where she's coming form.

The thing was it was usual for me to do that and it be ok. For some reason this time it was different. She is a big teaser so its a little hard to distinguish between pulling away to tease or genuinely pulling away. I feel bad because I made her feel that way but at the same time a little confused because it was no different than what we usually do

July 13, 2014

I think it's kind of ironic that you are attributing this to women. In my experience, it's typically men who want to retreat to "man cave" or whatever, while the women want to talk about it, talk about it, talk about it.

Maybe it is an individual thing.

If someone really needs space, they probably want to have a chance to settle down inside and see what they really are feeling and wanting in the situation rather than being reactive.

Also, though, some people say they need space when what they really want is to avoid the whole thing.

The only time I really don't ever want to talk about something is when I'm angry and usually that is a rare thing. I'm always one to work it out. The times I did talk to her it was I didn't understand. This is just a very confusing situation for me.

July 13, 2014

Women are not known to be the greatest of problems solvers in relationships, they just want whatever the problem is to be over or out of their way.

Therefore you should fix the problem, and then get back to her when you do...they just want the solutions.

I don't know how many ladies here will say that's the truth. I often tell my bfs that sometimes I just want to talk, doesn't mean I want solutions. If I want to be quiet, I just need some time to think.

It frustrates me that guys want to fix everything, we don't need any solutions to be honest, as we already know the answer ourselves.

And women are not the greatest problem solver.... that's a fallacy. I'm sorry but that's not true either. As the silent treatment is quite prevalent among the male species.

Still, when someone ask for time and space to think. It will be respectful to give him or her what she needs.

July 13, 2014

Looks like you're going to have to exercise some patience here. When it comes to trauma, you have to accommodate these incidents if you think she's worth it. Like Ninja said, don't beat yourself up and conversely don't try to be the hero. Just being understanding is enough, and recognizing she has got to work this out on her own. If you can allow her to do that while maintaining some kind of balance, then she will respect you a lot more .

I've had so much bad experience that patience isn't a quality I have. I know myself very well. I'm frustrated because I have all these feelings for one person. I never originally intended to feel this for her. She kept on and brought these feelings out and now this. It's why I prefer FWB and hate relationships.

July 13, 2014

I've had so much bad experience that patience isn't a quality I have. I know myself very well. I'm frustrated because I have all these feelings for one person. I never originally intended to feel this for her. She kept on and brought these feelings out and now this. It's why I prefer FWB and hate relationships.

Trust me, I know how difficult patience is to cultivate as a virtue. But you're going to have to learn, even when it comes to FWBs. I don't mean become accommodating to the point of getting a tattoo of WELCOME on your back and lying in front of her, but some degree of letting her work through it is desirable. Like I said, even FWB situations require some level of patience.

It frustrates me that guys want to fix everything, we don't need any solutions to be honest, as we already know the answer ourselves.

I understand this. Although from a guy's point of view, it would probably frustrate us that girls just want to marinade on the problem - the problem would piss us off too much and we'd have to fix it immediately to get that sh*t out the way and then do something else .

But that's just our stereotypical views of each other colliding. In reality, men and women handle things differently as individuals, not necessarily as hive minded species .

July 13, 2014

The thing was it was usual for me to do that and it be ok. For some reason this time it was different. She is a big teaser so its a little hard to distinguish between pulling away to tease or genuinely pulling away. I feel bad because I made her feel that way but at the same time a little confused because it was no different than what we usually do

I know you didn't purposely try to make her feel bad, sorry if I came off as if you did. She indeed may just need a day or two for time. I've been in a traumatic experience myself and any trigger I've had... well, the only person who can bring me out of that bad place is myself. I've been thankful to the people in my life who understand that. Unfortunately, a trigger can happen at any time and I personally have not had one in a long time. If she does come back then express to her how you feel about it and tell her what you told us.

July 13, 2014

I know you didn't purposely try to make her feel bad, sorry if I came off as if you did. She indeed may just need a day or two for time. I've been in a traumatic experience myself and any trigger I've had... well, the only person who can bring me out of that bad place is myself. I've been thankful to the people in my life who understand that. Unfortunately, a trigger can happen at any time and I personally have not had one in a long time. If she does come back then express to her how you feel about it and tell her what you told us.

Its been a few days now. it happened last sunday. We talked about it Tuesday then went to friends to get to know each other better and no sex because we started out as an FWB. I told her how I felt and how I did realize what had happened. I told her even when I was an FWB I had strong feelings for her. It got hot and heavy quick , but now the no sex has me terrified. Usually no sex = no relationship for me. I don't wait a long time when meeting a woman and the times I go against that rule it doesn't work out for me. She says it will take time to get back to the place I am at but it's too much for me. I went against everything I usually do to be with this woman and now this.

July 13, 2014

Damn I'm crying now because I love her. All I want is for us to work and have a future. I never met anyone that gave me the feeling of wanting to open up and have them know me and be vulnerable.

July 13, 2014

Damn I'm crying now because I love her. All I want is for us to work and have a future. I never met anyone that gave me the feeling of wanting to open up and have them know me and be vulnerable.

Dude, this is going to be the last thing you want to hear.....

Vulnerability is necessary, and sometimes when we are vulnerable we are going to get hurt. You can't protect yourself from pain forever, it's necessary at times, even though we do our best to avoid it and put up walls and defense mechanisms that eventually turn on us and become our worst enemies. What you're feeling now will pass, whether she stays with you or not. You will get past it, and once that happens, you will actually be stronger for it.

I wouldn't say to let yourself be vulnerable all the time, but don't let this put you off. It didn't work out this time, I'm sorry for that man. But you will find someone worth enough to you to open up to again, and maybe this time it won't hurt .

Chin up bro. It will get better .

July 13, 2014

I don't know how many ladies here will say that's the truth. I often tell my bfs that sometimes I just want to talk, doesn't mean I want solutions. If I want to be quiet, I just need some time to think.

It frustrates me that guys want to fix everything, we don't need any solutions to be honest, as we already know the answer ourselves.

And women are not the greatest problem solver.... that's a fallacy. I'm sorry but that's not true either. As the silent treatment is quite prevalent among the male species.

Still, when someone ask for time and space to think. It will be respectful to give him or her what she needs.

They don't want to solutions in terms of you giving them the solution, you have to be the solution...in terms of you're expected to know what to do, how to approach or engage a situation, how to be comforting, nurturing and emotionally supportive. But there is no solution solution like a man would expect, some logical, rational explanation or understanding of...the solution is you resolving the issue but not really resolving it, doing basically what I said above.

Any kind of real problem that cannot be solved with care bear power, like some problem/issue among the couple, isn't going to be resolved by the woman even though she will try...even if the male shuts down. They will withdraw because they know you can't fix the problem because there's something within them that is not interested or motivated in taking it that far, they may not want the issue resolved...both sexes can mask the real issue by their other issues using that as a scapegoat.

When it comes to relationships, I don't believe women are effective problem solvers...because they're using trying to fix problems without the tools they need, they don't have a logical/rational approach more often than not, they don't often understand men...just like many men may not understand women, without the insight you don't stand a chance without the other person being open and willing.

July 15, 2014

I wrote a letter and gave it to her saying this: I had decided to follow my dream. I have been researching and found stuff that would help you follow yours. I want to do my music and eventually get into real estate. Then get in a position to empower people to be financially independent. I thought long and hard about a lot of things. I realized that encouraging you to follow your dreams meant I wasn't living in fear. It's the reason I could never show those 4 qualities you talk about again. A man with those qualities could never allow someone he says he loves to grow as a person and reach their full potential and encourage them to live out their dreams. I want that. I want you to take care of kids and watch them grow, learn and see new things. Like you did with your brother. There was too much passion when you talked about that for you not to at least give it a try at some point. Everything I was afraid of I realized I had put behind me. I have books on writing business plans and some other resources to help you get started

I also said if it's best then I'll understand if she wants to end it

Now I will just wait. Hope it works

Sign In

Why would a woman want space and time instead of working on the issue?

Recommended Posts

joystickd

sugarlove

Ninjainpajamas

carhill

Emilia

d0nnivain

joystickd

Ninjainpajamas

GemmaUK

leavesonautumn

ThaWholigan

joystickd

leavesonautumn

Glinda.Good

joystickd

joystickd

sugarlove

joystickd

ThaWholigan

leavesonautumn

joystickd

joystickd

ThaWholigan

Ninjainpajamas

joystickd

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...