WTF000 Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Hey Folks, Can anyone share their opinions on what constitutes an emotional affair between two people ? Here is tbe scenario (true, real life, situation) : Two adults (different genders) meet on an online forum. They live on different continents, and communicate SOLELY via email or chats or the private messaging feature of the forum that they participate in. Neither has ever seen the other's picture, and has no clue who the other person is in real life (they even refer to each other solely by their respective screen names). There are, naturally, no phone calls or voice chats or Skype / FaceTime. Both do not want to ever know of the other's real life identity. This e-friendship has lasted for nearly 4 years now. Through the years, there have been weeks of near constant, daily contact, and there have been weeks of zero contact. Their conversations are very matter of fact and never sexual or flirtatious in nature ! And, yes, both are married (to other people, LOL !) for several years with kids. So, here is my question - is this "friendship" even remotely likely to actually be an emotional, e-affair, regardless of their not knowing of the other's RL identity ? What, exactly, is the difference between a strong platonic and supportive friendship and an affair ? Secondly, can / does a "friendship" ever morph into an affair ? What are the warning signs that your "friend" really is ... well more than a "friend" ? Can you even fall in love with someone whose picture you have NEVER seen, whose voice you have never heard, whose real name you don't even know, and whom you will likely never meet in your lifetime ?! Thank you for any feedback that you offer ! Your time and responses / feedback are much appreciated.
RegretfulAlways Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Interesting questions. I guess my first question for you is, do your spouses know? Seems to me if you would be ok with your spouses knowing, that makes it less of an affair type situation.
herself Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Hopefully both of you will log off the computer, less for the affair risk and more because there is a great big world of beauty out there and your missing it living on the PC all day. Try scaling back and only checking that forum once or twice a week or so. Also make friends with other members and on different forums too so its balanced. Any friendship can graduate into an affair, yes. I dont think yours is an emotional affair at all. Seems pretty straight forward platonic.
randomwoman Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Hey Folks, Can anyone share their opinions on what constitutes an emotional affair between two people ? Here is tbe scenario (true, real life, situation) : Two adults (different genders) meet on an online forum. They live on different continents, and communicate SOLELY via email or chats or the private messaging feature of the forum that they participate in. Neither has ever seen the other's picture, and has no clue who the other person is in real life (they even refer to each other solely by their respective screen names). There are, naturally, no phone calls or voice chats or Skype / FaceTime. Both do not want to ever know of the other's real life identity. This e-friendship has lasted for nearly 4 years now. Through the years, there have been weeks of near constant, daily contact, and there have been weeks of zero contact. Their conversations are very matter of fact and never sexual or flirtatious in nature ! And, yes, both are married (to other people, LOL !) for several years with kids. So, here is my question - is this "friendship" even remotely likely to actually be an emotional, e-affair, regardless of their not knowing of the other's RL identity ? What, exactly, is the difference between a strong platonic and supportive friendship and an affair ? Secondly, can / does a "friendship" ever morph into an affair ? What are the warning signs that your "friend" really is ... well more than a "friend" ? Can you even fall in love with someone whose picture you have NEVER seen, whose voice you have never heard, whose real name you don't even know, and whom you will likely never meet in your lifetime ?! Thank you for any feedback that you offer ! Your time and responses / feedback are much appreciated. The thing about online relationships is that a lot of it is in your head anyway. The fact that you've never spoken or even seen a picture of her does not affect anything because your brain will fill in the blanks of what is missing based on what you do know about the person's personality. Based on your description of the current relationship, I would not really consider it an EA since you're not having flirtatious/sexual conversations but are you having those feelings? Based on the fact that you are in this forum, I would say that something is changing in your mind about the future of this online friendship or it would not even cross your mind to post this. While many would disagree, I don't necessarily think you have to tell your spouse about every single person you have a conversation with and sometimes it is awkward when you only know a person online. Not everyone is understanding and accepting of this type of friendship. I don't think withholding this info in itself is a red flag of an affair. IMO, this post was the first sign that you are starting to have inappropriate thoughts and feelings about this person. You should start thinking about what is causing this and where you are going to take it from here. It may be wise to spend less time chatting with this person if you are currently experiencing a dip in your happiness at home so you're not tempted to fill that temporary void with this person. Good luck:)
Ladydrib Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Hey Folks, Can anyone share their opinions on what constitutes an emotional affair between two people ? Here is tbe scenario (true, real life, situation) : Two adults (different genders) meet on an online forum. They live on different continents, and communicate SOLELY via email or chats or the private messaging feature of the forum that they participate in. Neither has ever seen the other's picture, and has no clue who the other person is in real life (they even refer to each other solely by their respective screen names). There are, naturally, no phone calls or voice chats or Skype / FaceTime. Both do not want to ever know of the other's real life identity. This e-friendship has lasted for nearly 4 years now. Through the years, there have been weeks of near constant, daily contact, and there have been weeks of zero contact. Their conversations are very matter of fact and never sexual or flirtatious in nature ! And, yes, both are married (to other people, LOL !) for several years with kids. So, here is my question - is this "friendship" even remotely likely to actually be an emotional, e-affair, regardless of their not knowing of the other's RL identity ? What, exactly, is the difference between a strong platonic and supportive friendship and an affair ? Secondly, can / does a "friendship" ever morph into an affair ? What are the warning signs that your "friend" really is ... well more than a "friend" ? Can you even fall in love with someone whose picture you have NEVER seen, whose voice you have never heard, whose real name you don't even know, and whom you will likely never meet in your lifetime ?! Thank you for any feedback that you offer ! Your time and responses / feedback are much appreciated. The difference between a friendship and an affair (in the example you provide above) is secrecy. If your spouses know of and approve of your friendship then it sounds as though it is not an affair. If this pen pal is a secret, that is not good. Absolutely close friendships morph into affairs. This is one example of why secrecy is bad.
sugarlove Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 If you say or initiate anything that should be solely reserved for your spouse, then it's an affair. Sexting and all that sexual stuff aside, if you tell this lady all your problems and never share them with your spouse who should be the first person to know and for you to confide in, that's an emotional affair.
goodyblue Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 I am of the opinion that it is not only the secrecy, but the emotional investment. If you are hurrying to be with the person on the other end of the screen more than your partner, it is an issue.
Author WTF000 Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 Thanks, everyone, for responding. Our spouses know that we talk - we work in the same field - so we swap info on the latest research, professional development, etc. BTW, I am the female in this "friendship". We do live busy lives, so it isn't as if we never see the sun, or sit glued in front of our screens 24/7. Of late, though, something is starting to concern me. We have been communicating for the past 4 years but not continuously. I mean, there have been weeks (even months, occasionally) at a time when we have forgotten all about the other, but have always been able to restart our conversation, never been a problem. However, since the beginning of this year, *I* am starting to find these disappearances on his part intolerable. We both have usually let each other know when we will go MIA, but sometimes life and profession get in the way (we work a demanding field in which long days are the norm, rather than the exception) and we occasionally do go offline and not talk for weeks without advance warning. But, of late, I am starting to get angry and anxious about his disappearances - especially sudden ones ! I feel disgruntled, miss him and wonder what he is up to and when he will next get in touch with me etc etc etc ? Yes, you are right - I am posting here for a reason and that is that MY expectations from this friendship seem to be changing. He doesn't have a clue. Please note, I don't have even the slightest sexual feelings or thoughts about him, but I do miss him like crazy (which I never have before) ! I don't want to see his photograph or talk to him on the phone, but I feel almost addicted to our exchanges. He is more experienced in our field than I am and has helped / guided me professionally over the years, but I don't know where this "ugh, no email from him today, either" or "oh, no, hasn't logged on to the forum today, either !" are all starting to come from ? I honestly don't know what the nature of my feelings is, except that they are newly intense and newly demanding. I don't want to ruin a good friendship by my own stupidity but I am completely & utterly confused ! Does anyone have any idea what I am experiencing or if this even normal for a close friendship ? Please help !
EasyHeart Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 If that's an affair, then I am a shameless slut. I have lots of friends who fall under that description. Sometimes, I don't even know their age or gender, so I might be a gay, pedophile slut. It's not an affair unless it turns romantic or sexual. If you start sending steamy emails to each other and planning a rendevous, then you're doing something wrong. Otherwise, it's nothing.
Owl Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 OP, are you hiding any aspect of this contact...or your feelings about this guy...from your husband? I would say it's remotely possible that you could be starting to develop an emotional attraction to your perception of who this guy is... ...but the defining aspect of an emotional affair is when it's deliberately hidden/concealed/minimized to the spouse because you know that if they knew the full information, they'd be uncomfortable with the truth. If you're truly starting to feel this way...the simplest way to deal with it is to 100% STOP communicating with him. Your feelings will fade over time as you stop feeding the attraction. I disagree with the above poster...affairs don't have to be sexual in nature...although they usually are INTIMATE...they can be just emotionally intimate, rather than sexual.
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