How soon is too soon to date after being widowed?

[oregongal]

I am trying to get some advice about dating again after my husband passed away. I lost him 2 months ago to cancer. We had been married for 37 years and I loved him very much.

 

I miss being in love, it is awesome. I started looking at online dating sites a few days ago and filled out a profile. I got some interested responses. I'm wondering if I would be crazy to meet a man for coffee. I haven't dated for almost 40 years!

 

So I'm nervous and excited at the same time. I also feel some guilt as to whether I should even be considering dating right now.

 

So, what do you think? Bad idea or not?

[leavesonautumn]

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what that feels like.

 

It might seem like too soon to an outsider but I don't know the circumstances of the relationship. Have you had time to grieve his passing? How long was sick before he passed?

 

In my opinion, it sounds like a bad idea. You might want to rediscover the person you are first. 37 years of being together is a LONG time and you are a different person now then when you were last single. It almost comes across like you want to immediately replace your husband to fill that void which is not entirely healthy.

 

Honestly, the only person who knows if you're ready to date yet is you.

[Allumere]

I'm real sorry you had to say goodbye so soon. 37 years together..wow what a blessing.

 

IMHO the only timeline that matters is yours. It seems the comments will fly if someone dates within the first year of losing a spouse....each of those people need to be smacked!

 

You simply need to honest with yourself..are you really ready? will you be OK spending time with another man? It will certainly give you something to look foward to but the reality may be rough at first. Of course, no biggy if you find you aren't there yet...you just redirect your energies til you are. If online dating is daunting then maybe join a singles club. After my mom passed and my dad climbed the walls for 1 1/2 years, he finally joined a local singles club. It was hardly the place for romance but he made friends, found folks to go dancing, movies, dinner, and even skiing. Actually about a year in he did meet someone (but love connections within the group have been rare) and they married. The age range of the group was 45 on up. My pop was 68 when he joined.

[Mrin]

As others have said the only person who can answer that question is you. From the outside at first blush it seems too early but who cares.

 

One question you really need to answer is whether you are doing this in order to avoid being alone vs some other reason. While it is perfectly natural to want to avoid being alone - diving into the dating pool as a way to address it might not be the best idea.

 

Off topic - are you seeing a therapist? Might be a good idea too if not.

 

Sorry to hear of your loss. 37 years together - precious.

[oregongal]

First, thanks for all the replies! I like the idea about seeing a counselor. A neutral third party I can talk to.

 

I have been bouncing some of those same concerns you guys mentioned in my head. Mostly I feel like I want to feel attractive and a desirable companion. I like the idea of casual dating (not friends with benefits, lol). I enjoy the companionship of a man.

 

And my husband had cancer for 8 years but became seriously sick from it about a year ago. He was paralyzed for the last 9 months of his life and I took care of him at home. I am so grateful that I was able to do that - we spent those last months grieving together.

[d0nnivain]

First, I'm sorry for your loss.

 

Bringing a date to the funeral is not a good idea.

 

Beyond that it's when you feel comfortable.

 

After my mother died, my father started "keeping company" -- I wouldn't really call it dating -- with a woman. Mom & Dad had been together for almost 60 years. I picked up on the "relationship" in July, about 6 months after the funeral but in retrospect it must have been going on before that. The lady & her late husband had been my parents friends for 20+ years.

 

With cancer, you also did the "long goodbye" I image so in some ways your grief went on for a while.

 

Shortly before I picked up on the vibes between my dad & his friend, she & one of her BFFs sat me down & asked how I'd feel if my dad started dating. I laughed because my father always seemed like a clueless, non-romantic sort of guy. I replied that if he was happy & she treated him nicely I'd be OK with it. I also joked that if people started changing wills or making inappropriate financial decisions, I'd get involved. Both women had more money than dad so wasn't really worried about them but I knew there were some gold diggers in his social circle. Anyway, I asked them how their kids felt when they started dating after their husbands had died. The one I think my dad was with said her kids felt like I did -- if mom is happy they're happy. The other confided that her kids pitched a fit. I was sorry to hear that because I had liked the guy that one was dating & he made her really happy.

 

You don't have to get your kids' permission but you should mentally prepare yourself for some opposition. Nobody else's opinions matter.

[oregongal]

Thanks for those thoughts. And yes I did do some grieving before my husband passed. After we lost the use of his legs we both grieved the changes that brought as well as his decreasing health after that.

 

I feel ready to see what it is like to "socialize" with men and see what it feels like after almost 40 years of not dating, lol. Taking it slow but exploring my feelings plus it's nice to feel desirable and attractive to the opposite sex.

[GoreSP]

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

If it feels right, go ahead. I know a woman (mother of a friend) who lost her husband after a long sickness and she said she actually did her mourning before his death…

Not sure I'm using the right words but anyhow. She decided to stick with him until the end but she knew she was going to go soon so she sort of started mourning the loss of her husband right away (not that he ever knew about it though)

 

Anyhow, once he died, she was ready(ish) to get her life back on track. Maybe this is a little what is going on with you?

 

Mourning is different for everybody, really. But two months is a hell of a short time…

I think the counseling idea is good. Just make sure you are ready to date again and aren't just looking for some kind of emotional support form a man. You could really hurt someone in that last case scenario…

 

Good luck!

[isisisweeping]

I am trying to get some advice about dating again after my husband passed away. I lost him 2 months ago to cancer. We had been married for 37 years and I loved him very much.

 

I miss being in love, it is awesome. I started looking at online dating sites a few days ago and filled out a profile. I got some interested responses. I'm wondering if I would be crazy to meet a man for coffee. I haven't dated for almost 40 years!

 

So I'm nervous and excited at the same time. I also feel some guilt as to whether I should even be considering dating right now.

 

So, what do you think? Bad idea or not?

 

 

 

Well, aside from not bringing a date to the funeral, I think that's an answer that is individual and you have to decide for yourself. Are you in counseling? Their opinion would be the only beside yours that might matter.

[acrosstheuniverse]

It really depends on when you're ready. I have a friend who lost her husband of 20 years last November to cancer, they had a year to prepare for his passing as they knew it was terminal, and she spent his last months caring for him in a hospital bed in their house with daily visits from nurses. That woman is so strong is humbles me. I was at the funeral and she was clearly broken and devastated, as were their two kids (12 and 15).

 

Now, six months later, she announced she is in a new relationship with a new man. I would never ever pass open comment on this because it's her life and decision and I don't think there's anything at all 'wrong' with dating any length of time after passing. However I do worry a little, about her emotional safety... the reason I feel this way I think is because she's throwing her all into this relationship, announced it on facebook, photos of them all over the place, lots of discussion on there about how happy she is now and how he makes her feel happy again, she even posted a status saying that miserable friends can keep their comments to themselves who don't agree as they have no idea what she's been through and forty people comment, all of them being supportive and telling the naysayers to go screw themselves.

 

This wasn't aimed at me because I didn't say a word, it's not my place but I worry about her emotionally, what if this guy suddenly decides it's not for him? What if it's just too much entering a family widowed only half a year ago, what if the constant discussion and gossip online is too much? It's almost like she's escalated what should be a very slow dating relationship to make sure they are both ready for this into a public and committed relationship and I think if it ends suddenly, as these things often do, she might be ten times more hurt and upset and devastated both about this and about her husband's passing than if she'd taken it a little slower, ya know?

 

I've never been in her shoes, I'm only basing this on how when I've had a major breakup and then a new relationship that has been short lived and ended by the other party a few months later, it has really hurt me and brought back lots of bad feelings about the major breakup. Also when my own mother died when I was 22, the serious grief didn't really even kick in until six months down the line, and it was a good year after that before I started to feel normal again. Grief can be a long and tough road. not necessarily for everyone, but I know for me I wouldn't have been ready to get a new mother or whatever any time within those first two years!

 

Also she's mentioned how she's crap at being alone so her late husband would be happy she's found someone (and I know the guy well, he truly would have been) so I worry in case she's found someone just to fill the man gap in her family now that the husband has left.

 

Anyway none of it is my business, but I would recommend taking it slowly. I didn't mean to write so much and it's not all applicable but hopefully it's food for thought. All the best and if you're not in grief counselling I'd recommend this. Two months is not very long at all, I was still in shock at this stage when losing my mother and I knew she was going to die too. Try not to bite off more than you can chew and make sure you're honest with new parties if it gets more than casual because they may not realise the emotional complexities of dating a widow or widower and end up hurt themselves.

 

All the best!

[acrosstheuniverse]

I don't know my friend's other friends, but I suspect that a) the friends who dissent from the congratulations and are more concerned about the speed are actually feeling that way because they're worried for her wellbeing and concerned in case it all goes wrong and she ends up even more hurt and b) perhaps she's taking this as them thinking it's too soon because it's disrespectful to her late husband. It's hard to say.

 

Just wanted to say all of this OP, it's your life and I am sure you can make your own choices, but if people don't respond positively try not to be too surprised and hurt, nobody knows what's in your head and heart. I think my friend is quite hurt and upset that some friends are saying it's too soon and I wouldn't want this to add to your pain and loss if that's the case in your life too x

[oregongal]

All good food for thought. I know that I did grieve for quite awhile before he passed like mentioned. Dating feels like hope after a dark tunnel. Maybe silly but i like to feel alive and am finding out what I like to do and be now - kind of all over again! Haven't actually went on a date but I am open to it and see the value of going slowly and keeping the lines of communication open with the man I date.

[d0nnivain]

I think it is like light at the end of a tunnel. The end of your husband's life focused everything on death. Dating is life & hope & light. It's Ok -- even good / healthy -- that you want those things again.

[oregongal]

Thank you Donnivain! I appreciate those thoughts - what a nice way to look at it! I just have to keep telling myself not to feel guilty...

[Assasda]

I think the standard acceptable time that people wait to date after a death is a year.

 

That rule is broken frequently though

[Kid_Charlemange]

When I lost my wife to cancer a while ago, I got into a relationship about seven months later. In retrospect, it was too soon. Not because of anything in particular, but when that relationship ended a couple years later in a fairly dramatic fashion, I took it harder than I expected to. What I've learned is that I my grieving process was "interrupted," and while I was very happy with the new relationship -- extremely happy, in fact -- when it ended, I was sort of double-grieving. That is, I was suddenly missing my ex and my late wife at the same time, and that made it tough.

 

I probably should have waited a year. Now it's been over six months since the new relationship ended, and I feel like I'm past both of them and ready to move on with my life.

 

Everyone is different, but after two months I think you might still be pretty raw.

 

That said, if it's not a relationship you're looking for, but just companionship, go for it. Feeling "alive" right now is a great feeling.

[acrosstheuniverse]

When I lost my wife to cancer a while ago, I got into a relationship about seven months later. In retrospect, it was too soon. Not because of anything in particular, but when that relationship ended a couple years later in a fairly dramatic fashion, I took it harder than I expected to. What I've learned is that I my grieving process was "interrupted," and while I was very happy with the new relationship -- extremely happy, in fact -- when it ended, I was sort of double-grieving. That is, I was suddenly missing my ex and my late wife at the same time, and that made it tough.

 

I probably should have waited a year. Now it's been over six months since the new relationship ended, and I feel like I'm past both of them and ready to move on with my life.

 

Everyone is different, but after two months I think you might still be pretty raw.

 

I think you put it better than I did, but that's the kind of thing I'm getting at. As I say, although I've been bereaved I haven't lost a partner, but when my serious relationship came to a sudden and horrible end, I started seeing someone three months later and when THAT relationship ended quite quickly I found I was back to square one really devastated because the pain of the serious break up came back on top of the pain from the second, less serious one.

 

You shouldn't feel guilty, it's not 'too soon' because it's a personal choice, completely personal. But my gut feeling says that for 98% of people two months, eight weeks, is too soon. Not because of any value judgement but because of the potential emotional damage to you. Eight weeks is not a long time, I remember feeling relief when my mother finally passed after two years battling an addiction, that she was out of her suffering. But it was only six months later once my brain clicked she was gone for good and started remembering her when she was healthy and well, that the real crushing pain started to set in. When you're losing somebody slowly, however horrible it is to see them so sick, they're still with you. Once they're gone, even though you saw it coming, it's still going to take some time for most people to process the emptiness of that person not being around anymore. And often a little more time after that for your mind to start processing through the memories of them when they were well and getting to grips with the fact you lost the healthy, well person from your life for good too, not just the sick person they were at the end.

 

That's my fears for my friend (Although like I say, I'd never say a word). There's sooo much riding on this new relationship riding out, him rescuing her and her girls from being a grieving family alone, that if he wanted to leave her I fear that she would go into a serious tailspin more painful than I can imagine, grieving both the new relationship and her late husband, and also suffering the public embarrassment of having people find out it's over.

 

Be kind to yourself lovely. I hope you have some good friends and family around you. It must be incredibly tough being alone after a happy marriage, and having to watch the man you love go through what he did. Bereavement counselling was invaluable to me, everyone says they can't believe how strong I was (I was 22) and how well I got past it but it was still a solid 18-24 months from her death until I actually started to feel as though I was feeling normal again. Sometimes it's impossible to predict how things will pan out. All my best wishes.