Frazzle Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 My girlfriend recently met this guy at her internship. She insists they're just friendly but it bothers me that they ate lunch together at work. Furthermore, she's overly helpful in helping him find job opportunities. She even offered to proofread his cover letter. They kept in touch through email during this period. Now, the guy doesn't work there anymore but they still keep in touch through text. I bothers me that they exchanged numbers and text back and forth. She insists it's strictly friendly but recently he asked her to proofread his resume and told her he owed her a favor in return. She asked him to teach her Spanish. The thing is that she knows he's interested in her because he has asked her out before. Should I be worried about her behavior? I think it is totally inappropriate behavior in a relationship. Why do they still need to keep in touch? Am I paranoid? 2
leavesonautumn Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Anytime I've made a friend through work who is a male while in a relationship, I've never given them my phone number. It's almost like an unspoken rule with me. Not that there was anything more that was going to happen with these guys but sometimes you meet people who are nice and interesting and you just want to be friendly. Personally though, I find her behavior inappropriate. How would she feel if you were doing something similar? The worrying thing here is that she has continued the contact even after he has asked her out and she must have said no (I'm assuming, you didn't say what the aftermath of that was). How was your relationship outside of this new guy popping up? Have you been facing some other issues or distancing from her? 3
Author Frazzle Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 Anytime I've made a friend through work who is a male while in a relationship, I've never given them my phone number. It's almost like an unspoken rule with me. Not that there was anything more that was going to happen with these guys but sometimes you meet people who are nice and interesting and you just want to be friendly. Personally though, I find her behavior inappropriate. How would she feel if you were doing something similar? The worrying thing here is that she has continued the contact even after he has asked her out and she must have said no (I'm assuming, you didn't say what the aftermath of that was). How was your relationship outside of this new guy popping up? Have you been facing some other issues or distancing from her? Thanks. She told me that he asked her out to which she turned him down by saying she has a boyfriend. However, she recently offered to help him practice for the interview on Skype.
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 It's a slippery slope. Eating lunch with an opposite sex colleague & even proofing a resume is one thing. While it may be a little too close for comfort, it's not inherently wrong. Establishing an on going connection through the Spanish lessons is a whole other ballgame. Even if they haven't done anything they keep creating opportunities for something to happen. You can't forbid her from contacting him. But if you tell her you don't like it, if she doesn't severe the relationship she is making a choice & it's not you. 2
veggirl Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 she's certainly not being pro-active about protecting your relationship, I guess she likes the attention from him. I'd cut off any guy who asked me out when I'm in an R. she didn't. she wants to find ways to spend more time with him. donni is right, slippery slope she's headed down. why would she WANT to be "friends" w/ a guy who hits on her/asks her out? it's just AWKWARD, unless she is intrigued by his feelings. 1
Els Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 If he asked her out before, IMO she's being disrespectful to your R by keeping in constant contact with him. If he'd been a long-time friend who has never expressed interest in her, my answer would be different.
Author Frazzle Posted July 31, 2014 Author Posted July 31, 2014 Sorry to dig up this thread but I haven't been able to log in for the last couple of weeks for some reason. Anyway, I've told my girlfriend that I'm uncomfortable with it but she insists that everything is cool and that it's strictly platonic. I don't want to press it too much because it might drive her away and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. How should I approach it? Befriend him? Ask her to include me if they ever do hang out?
Sunfire73 Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 Tell her you feel disrespected by her maintaining a close friendship with this guy. She either has to include you in their meetings and if not, it's time to dump her. 1
smackie9 Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 he's trying to control his girlfriend. unless she vests on him it's not his business to be controlling. He is not controlling, he is establishing relationship "boundaries". Her relationship with this guy is inappropriate, especially when the guy has expressed romantic interest. Even tho sex is not involved, they are acting like they are newly dating. It's called an emotional affair. Yes it is a slippery slope because she is starting to get intimatly involved with this guy's life. She thinks nothing of it until she is way too emotionally hooked and starts falling for him and neglecting her relationship with her BF. 3
smackie9 Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 Sorry to dig up this thread but I haven't been able to log in for the last couple of weeks for some reason. Anyway, I've told my girlfriend that I'm uncomfortable with it but she insists that everything is cool and that it's strictly platonic. I don't want to press it too much because it might drive her away and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. How should I approach it? Befriend him? Ask her to include me if they ever do hang out? Dude when you are faced with your GF blowing you off about your concern about this guy means she is not being fulfilled with your relationship. Obviously she is getting attention from this guy, and it makes her feel needed, attractive, etc. Something is lacking in your relationship so she gets it from him instead....something fresh and new. He is filling in a void. if this continues, you will have no GF. Your relationship is already in jepordy. Hanging out with them etc isn't going to "fix" the problem. 1
Author Frazzle Posted August 1, 2014 Author Posted August 1, 2014 Tell her you feel disrespected by her maintaining a close friendship with this guy. She either has to include you in their meetings and if not, it's time to dump her. She did say that they've never actually met up. They've been keeping touch through text and he taught her Spanish on the phone.
d0nnivain Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 She did say that they've never actually met up. They've been keeping touch through text and he taught her Spanish on the phone. What do you mean they never actually met up? I thought she got to know him through an internship? How can you learn Spanish on the phone? That doesn't make sense. If when you told her you were uncomfortable with her "friendship" she didn't offer to do something to reassure you, something is wrong here.
ASG Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 What do you mean they never actually met up? I thought she got to know him through an internship? How can you learn Spanish on the phone? That doesn't make sense. If when you told her you were uncomfortable with her "friendship" she didn't offer to do something to reassure you, something is wrong here. I'm assuming she means since AFTER he left the internship. So they haven't met up socially. And you can learn any language on the phone. Specially if shes only looking to know a few choice sentences to use whenever she's on holiday or whatever. She did offer something to reassure him, though... The fact that they never actually met (and probably won't)
marcjb Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 (edited) My ex did the same thing. Don't trust her. Her behavior is not appropriate for someone that's in a relationship. I actually gave my ex the benefit of the doubt until she dropped the "I don't feel the same way about you" and "I love you but I'm not in love with you" lines. Then all of the red flags that I gave her the benefit of the doubt on resurfaced. Do not let her project blame onto you by calling you "insecure" or "jealous". She is just trying to justify her in appropriate actions by passing the blame onto you. If she wants to make new male "friends" and call it anything other than what it really is - to continue dating - then let her be single so she can live the "glamorous" life she insists on living. Edited August 1, 2014 by marcjb 1
longjohn Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 I'd echo the advice of others on here. What your gf is doing is inappropriate at best and disrespectful at worse. If it where me I'd sit her down and explain in very clear terms what she's doing is wrong. If she fails to see that or continues to project the "blame" onto you, you have your answer. It's time to drop her and go gf shopping again. There's no shortage of nice women out there needing a bf. 1
Author Frazzle Posted August 1, 2014 Author Posted August 1, 2014 I'm assuming she means since AFTER he left the internship. So they haven't met up socially. And you can learn any language on the phone. Specially if shes only looking to know a few choice sentences to use whenever she's on holiday or whatever. She did offer something to reassure him, though... The fact that they never actually met (and probably won't) Yes, exactly this. They haven't met up since he quit but she did mention that they might get lunch soon. I've just about had enough. Maybe I should just call it quits?
marcjb Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 Tell her you know that if the situation was reversed and it was you doing this, she would not be ok with it. So why should you be? You will not tolerate double standards. Then tell her that she has a choice, to continue this behavior, single (because that's how she is acting), or to understand why it's wrong and give her the choice of working things out and regaining your trust.
preraph Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 You mentioned they met through her internship. She's an intern. She should be networking with as many people in her profession as possible. The successful people I know were great networkers who went and had drinks with other people in their profession. They help each other as years go on find job positions. My friend owns her own company and travels all over the place wining and dining men. She's been married for 25 years. I think at some point you have to make allowances for certain things and know your SO well enough that you know whether to trust them or not. Now, if this were a guy just taking out the hottest girl at work who would never have any influence over his career, that's a different scenario. Or if he was her supervisor and you think she's the type to f her way to the top, that would be a concern, but if you thought that, you already wouldn't be with her, right? If they're both interns, they may need each other for business at some point. Ask her what they talk about. Ask if you can come along sometime. Get a look at the guy. Ask her if there's a chance he has a crush on her. All you can do is talk and try to reach a place where you trust her to some degree. You can't come in on something like that and just start dictating she can't make friends in her industry or you're going to be alone and miserable. Do you hear their conversations? What are they like and how long are they? Generally a business buddy relationship isn't going to entail long drawn out conversation unless something big is happening at work. You should be able to assess this before judging it.
marcjb Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 She can do the "networking", drinks and being "buddy, buddy" with other women, not new guys for her relationship backup plans.
jawswashington Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 I think this is definitely a slippery slope like the others said. If it makes you uncomfortable (within reason), she should definitely respect you and tone it down with him. She definitely does not need to cut off all contact with the guy but needs to interact in a way that would make you comfortable. It'd be ideal if she includes you in the interactions.
Recommended Posts