Oregon_Dude Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Hi there. I am 3 weeks out of a 1-year relationship. I went on a date last night from OKCupid. We talked about all sorts of things. At some point in the conversation, I mentioned my recent breakup, to provide context, be honest, etc. Is it a rule to never mention exes on a date? Ladies, does this turn you off or serve as a warning sign / red flag of not being "over" someone, or ready to date? It just seems a little shady having to lie about having recently been with someone. What is y'all's advice for how to handle this in the future? OD
SpiralOut Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 If you want them to know you've recently ended a long-term relationship, it's okay to mention that in your profile. Mentioning it on a date - unless they specifically asked you how long you've been single - is a huge turn-off. Whenever I hear that, it tells me they are rebounding. If the chick you are dating is also rebounding or not wanting something serious, that may not be a bad thing. Try asking them what they are looking for before you meet up with them. 1
Author Oregon_Dude Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 If you want them to know you've recently ended a long-term relationship, it's okay to mention that in your profile. Mentioning it on a date - unless they specifically asked you how long you've been single - is a huge turn-off. Whenever I hear that, it tells me they are rebounding. If the chick you are dating is also rebounding or not wanting something serious, that may not be a bad thing. Try asking them what they are looking for before you meet up with them.Alright. Good points, thanks. It just sucks because she was cool, we could have had something, but I messed it up. Lesson learned I suppose.
sugarlove Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 I always make sure I mentioned I'm freshly out of a breakup before I meet for the first date. I"ll simply ask them what's their motivation on the site. Which they will reply to find new friends . Upon which I'll say "That's cool. Well me too since I'm just freshly broken up and needed to seek new friends." 100% of the time, they will agree and said they were also fresh from a breakup. 6 months, 3 months 4 months. The thing is I like to mention it to let them know that I might/might not be in the right frame of mind to seek anything too serious or to go into something too fast. I also like to know the same about them so I won't take it as a rejection as long as we both know where we both are in terms of progress. If the guy didn't want to have anything to do with me after I disclose that fact, at least I save myself from a bad date.
Author Oregon_Dude Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 Thanks sugarlove. I don't really want to mention it before the date. I think I will just keep my big mouth shut and tell the white lie of having not found the right person in the last few years. It's true, but doesn't expound on a recent breakup. Personally I don't see what the big deal is in going out on dates after a breakup. I'm not rebounding, not looking for sex, just wanting to meet new women and have interesting conversations. I would not find it to be a "huge turn-off" if someone told me they were just out of a relationship. Then again, I'm not looking for long-term.
SpiralOut Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Alright. Good points, thanks. It just sucks because she was cool, we could have had something, but I messed it up. Lesson learned I suppose. How do you know you messed it up? How did she react? If she recently broke up with someone too, then she might not care. When I was fresh out of a relationship I was very upfront about it before meeting up with anyone. That way I only attracted people who were okay with it and who wanted the same thing I wanted. 1
Author Oregon_Dude Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 How do you know you messed it up? How did she react? If she recently broke up with someone too, then she might not care.The conversation was flirtatious and fun for the first part of the date, then she turned cold and bored. I really did not complain or b*tch about my ex; just mentioned that we split up recently. People are far too quick to assume people are "using" others to get over their recent ex. Quite the contrary; I've been locked down for a year, it's f*cking time to meet new people. These hard and fast "rules" for dating are for the birds.
Author Oregon_Dude Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 I *just* added this to my profile, so thank you guys for your advice. "I am recently out of a long-term relationship, and am not looking for another serious relationship at this time."
Elle1975 Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 The conversation was flirtatious and fun for the first part of the date, then she turned cold and bored. I really did not complain or b*tch about my ex; just mentioned that we split up recently. People are far too quick to assume people are "using" others to get over their recent ex. Quite the contrary; I've been locked down for a year, it's f*cking time to meet new people. These hard and fast "rules" for dating are for the birds. I get what you're saying, however the term "rebound" exists for a reason. Some people though don't do rebounds, I agree. 1
Author Oregon_Dude Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 Elle, one mistake I made with my recent ex is that we had sex on the first date. This caused a premature sense of attachment on both our parts. We were tied together physically before fully getting to know each other intellectually as well as emotionally. We moved in together after 6 months. Way too early. It is no wonder, in hindsight, that we didn't last. We simply didn't KNOW each other. I mention this because I have zero interest in sex with someone until a decent foundation is established. 4, 5, 6 dates at the earliest. A rebound is not at all what I am looking for. Just new people to share drinks, dinner, conversation with. I did learn a valuable lesson last night and from this board. No ex talk, unless prompted. 1
Elle1975 Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 (edited) Elle, one mistake I made with my recent ex is that we had sex on the first date. This caused a premature sense of attachment on both our parts. We were tied together physically before fully getting to know each other intellectually as well as emotionally. We moved in together after 6 months. Way too early. It is no wonder, in hindsight, that we didn't last. We simply didn't KNOW each other. I mention this because I have zero interest in sex with someone until a decent foundation is established. 4, 5, 6 dates at the earliest. A rebound is not at all what I am looking for. Just new people to share drinks, dinner, conversation with. I did learn a valuable lesson last night and from this board. No ex talk, unless prompted. Oh I know, and I agree with you. I had the "great" idea to look for a friend with benefits last year. I was in a "I'm turning 40 next year, screw love" kind of phase. Yeah, never again. Not equipped for that. We ended up dating, and we ended up breaking up as well. Anyway, now I'm in a "looking but not in a rush" kind of state of mind, because I rather date a friend than a stranger. So take your time, indeed. Edited July 13, 2014 by Elle1975
Author Oregon_Dude Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 Thanks Elle. Will do. You too. It's amazing how many like-minded, kind people are on this site and just trying to put their broken pieces back together. We are beautiful, worthy, considerate, lovely people, all of us on here. Dating can be such a drag because rejection can hurt so much. But the people rejecting us don't know us. It can be so hard to be known. I hate having to start over. I can't stand having to sell myself to women. I am passionate, musically talented, smart, funny, and other self-compliments If someone can't see it, doesn't want to, then frankly, forget her. You want someone who is on your vibe already. There are plenty of women out there looking for a literary, knowledge-hungry guy. Just building myself up because right now, I kind of have to. Know who you are. You are the party. They are invited, but they are not the party. 1
thekid36 Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Elle, one mistake I made with my recent ex is that we had sex on the first date. This caused a premature sense of attachment on both our parts. We were tied together physically before fully getting to know each other intellectually as well as emotionally. We moved in together after 6 months. Way too early. It is no wonder, in hindsight, that we didn't last. We simply didn't KNOW each other. I mention this because I have zero interest in sex with someone until a decent foundation is established. 4, 5, 6 dates at the earliest. A rebound is not at all what I am looking for. Just new people to share drinks, dinner, conversation with. I did learn a valuable lesson last night and from this board. No ex talk, unless prompted. I think that you are perhaps sort of generalizing though. There is not necessarily any definitive sense of time that always needs to pass before things should happen in a relationship. Why force yourself to wait for a certain amount of dates before having sex? Why not bring up your ex if that is what's on your mind? I really think you may need to be yourself. Stop thinking so much and start feeling. There is someone out there who will appreciate all of who you are as a genuine person. As opposed to somebody who wants to view only parts of you inside of a limited box which is created by the norms of our society.
sugarlove Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 I *just* added this to my profile, so thank you guys for your advice. "I am recently out of a long-term relationship, and am not looking for another serious relationship at this time." That just scream CASUAL SEX to me. Perhaps something like "I am recently out of a long-term relationship, and would love to make some new friends." Anything with a negative word like NOT, Don't, HATE is usually discouraged for profiles.
Author Oregon_Dude Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 Perhaps something like "I am recently out of a long-term relationship, and would love to make some new friends."Good tip. Just changed it.
Author Oregon_Dude Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 I really think you may need to be yourself.Maybe. I'm going to date to find out.
FitChick Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Personally I don't see what the big deal is in going out on dates after a breakup. I'm not rebounding, not looking for sex, just wanting to meet new women and have interesting conversations. I would not find it to be a "huge turn-off" if someone told me they were just out of a relationship. Then again, I'm not looking for long-term. I want to know about exes because I've wasted time with men whom it turned out were not even officially divorced. I'm looking for marriage so I avoid anyone divorced for less than two or three years. It's a waste of time. I like hearing about exes because you can learn a lot about the person as he speaks of them. If it's the blame game, he's not very self aware. If there is a lot of drama, I don't want to get involved. 2
Author Oregon_Dude Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 I like hearing about exes because you can learn a lot about the person as he speaks of them. If it's the blame game, he's not very self aware. If there is a lot of drama, I don't want to get involved.Exactly. Thanks. With my closest friends, I'll get pissed off and insulting about her in order to deal with the anger. With a date, I will mention that we simply weren't a good match and it's best that we went our own ways. Diplomatic and true. I honestly find it ridiculous that I'm not supposed to breathe one word about the person with whom I shared my life for a year. As far as not being "ready to date", I don't even know what that means. I suppose it depends on my own desires. I certainly am not ready for an LTR... because I don't want one. In any case, if I mention her in the future it will be sparingly, quick and respectful.. you know, so as to not scare off the women who are assuming I'm "rebounding" simply because I want to go out and know I still got it, and meet cool women in the process.
Author Oregon_Dude Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 Only mention an ex when asked. Anything else just makes it seem like you're not over your past. No one wants to go on a date to hear about someone's ex.Yep. Thanks. Lesson learned. Blew it with a cutie, but I've heard there are other women in the world. 1
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 I went on two dates with twp separate men. Both talked about their ex's endlessly. I got bored with both. One of them talked for an hour and a half about his ex wife and the other talked tirelessly about his ex girlfriend. Perhaps they are extreme cases but if your getting to know someone, ex partners are not on the date with you as you get to know someone so if you haven't gotten over your ex, best not be dating until your ready to or refrain from mentioning him or her untill your much, much further into the relationship. 1
Author Oregon_Dude Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 Daisy, sorry those things happened; those are extreme cases, though. I don't go on and on. I just mention I was with someone. I think that not being able to do that breeds dishonesty. These hard and fast rules of don't ever mention your ex are just absurd. We were together, we had good times, I am grateful for those and I'm ready for the next woman.
Author Oregon_Dude Posted July 13, 2014 Author Posted July 13, 2014 Dude, on a date last night, I mentioned my ex briefly, as it pertained to my current circumstances. I am not sure if this turned my date off, or if she didn't like me for other reasons. Tomorrow, I will not mention ex unless prompted. Moving on.
rocketman122 Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 I *just* added this to my profile, so thank you guys for your advice. "I am recently out of a long-term relationship, and am not looking for another serious relationship at this time." If I read that in a womans profile, Id block them, their picture (adblock plus) and move in. but thats because I only want serious relationships. to women I think its means fun and fkkng around. I think you shot yourself in the foot. I respect your honesty.
rocketman122 Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 I want to know about exes because I've wasted time with men whom it turned out were not even officially divorced. I'm looking for marriage so I avoid anyone divorced for less than two or three years. It's a waste of time. I like hearing about exes because you can learn a lot about the person as he speaks of them. If it's the blame game, he's not very self aware. If there is a lot of drama, I don't want to get involved. I want to know about exs for many reasons. their mindsets. mistakes. how serious they were. how they behave. its a good way to investigate about who the person is and how they react with a partner and what mistakes they made. and I also agree that dating someone newly divorced is a problem. many of thm have been married for a long time, and dont want to take anything seriously. dont want to jump back into a serious TRULY committed relationship. basically their mind is to be free, have fun, get a little (or as I noticed, a lot of sex to let loose) sex with multiple partners. enjoy themselves, party and make up for the shackled life they were having. I noticed this with a lot of women over 40yo. many are also bitter from the divorce and dont want any of that for a long time or ever. they just want to be free. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 We moved in together after 6 months. Way too early. It is no wonder, in hindsight, that we didn't last. We simply didn't KNOW each other. My ex and I had sex early on (within a week), and she moved herself in with me within 2 weeks. I guess her current roommates went from tolerable to unbearable?!?! Funny... So did I?!?! Major red flag that I didn't see until after the BU, 3 years later... Lesson learned? Take it slow... and on your terms, not hers!!! 1
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