The sociopath and the Damage Done

[Justaguy30]

I would like to mention how much this forum has helped me in the last few months. I was blinded by delusions of love for her and the more I post on here about how awful she is the less I care about her. Also everyone is so kind and supportive which I really appreciate. Anyone could sit there and tell me how much of an absolute fool I was and how she just used me and I am really stupid for having not just left her but people on here seem to understand the power of love and emotions and that is amazing!

[SoThatHappened]

Just a few weeks after meeting my ex, she was talking about all the things we were going to do for the next few years, how much she enjoyed me, how I made her feel so good, moving in jokes, etc. And then just one day nothing.

 

Are you the dude she broke up with to get with me?! We are talking about the same woman! Been there man... what a mind f***.

 

The only reason I didn't leave is I for some reason thought it could get better but it was never going to work because she is crazy. I just loved her so much I couldn't leave her. It was the worst experience of my life. Be happy you got out alive. Those sorts of people don't live in reality and are capable of seriously injuring people.

 

Again, same thing. I thought it would get better because I was the only "stable" person she'd ever been with. Whatever. She even wrote a looooong email in the middle of the night explaining her past and why it was different with us. This is the night after I said to her, honestly, "should I be worried? Your family is saying bad things about you, your past is insane, and you seem completely unstable."

 

They know how to get their hooks in.

 

Worst experience for me as well. I am very happy I got out alive, and no, they don't live in what healthy-functioning people consider reality. They are unbelievably capable of seriously injuring people, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Although I would rather have been physically beaten within an inch of my life than deal with the mental and emotional hurt.

 

I've been telling myself, audibly, everyday... "man... you're better off." It's not only true, but I actually started to believe it! Weird to believe logical/practical reality after being mentally broken down for so long, isn't it?

[ForeverInTheWait]

I guess it's the whole ..."nice guys (n gals) finish last.

 

That and maybe we all have something in common ...something for them to prey on ... something that not alot of people have or care to give ....

 

THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT !!!

 

The belief that no matter how jacked up a person can be or act ...that somewhere ...somehow ...there is someone .... something beautiful in in them ,in everyone...

 

 

I knew some of what she went through ,and I knew a little of what was to come ... and maybe it was my mistake to say ... I'll be there through it ...and when it's over and when you come back down ...

 

Unconditional Love ....

 

 

or as they maybe put it ....SUCKER !!

 

 

Yet I ask myself ...why then ....why is she speaking to me...putting her marriage at risk, she's not using me for anything now ...she has it all ...

 

Cognitive Dissonance ... or more bull**** ..... ?

 

has anyone actually found resolve ?? moved on succesfully ?

or is in the process and doing well ??

Feel free to share your magical secret ....

(and no not the over someone by getting under someone else plz)

[ForeverInTheWait]

Are you the dude she broke up with to get with me?! We are talking about the same woman! Been there man... what a mind f***.

 

I'm a chick actually .... hehehe

 

Although I would rather have been physically beaten within an inch of my life than deal with the mental and emotional hurt.

 

 

Likewise ... physical injuries heal faster.

[SoThatHappened]

has anyone actually found resolve ?? moved on succesfully ?

or is in the process and doing well ??

Feel free to share your magical secret ....

(and no not the over someone by getting under someone else plz)

 

I guess you can say I've found resolve. My heart was ripped out, my mind was blown, but I've come out on the other side working on myself and seeing what I do wrong in relationships... and life in general.

 

I have moved on, not with someone else, but from the relationship. Still have that "gut" hurt, but my mind is coming back around and telling my heart: "See? I told you so!"

 

As far as magical secrets? No secrets, but for me:

 

- Have assessed what's wrong with me to attract and then stay with people like that.

- Working out

- Being healthier

- Going out with friends as well as potential suitors

- Taking care of myself

[johnson_j]

FITW,

 

 

Had a similar situation as we already discussed. Two months ago 90% of my days were "bad" days, now 98% of them are good. There's no magic formula, I just took a weeks vacation to get away when I hit rock bottom. I came back refreshed but soon lapsed into another funk, so I took 30 days off and just hopped in the car and took a long road trip through 10 states.

 

 

Sure I still think about her every day, but I don't miss her or what we had (or what I thought we had). I'm still embarrassed that I didn't spot the deception earlier and handle the situation - the warning signs were there.

 

 

I'm quite certain at some point she will reach back out and if she does I'm okay with it. Not being friends but we can be friendly.

 

 

As far as the "being a sucker" that's a load of garbage. Unless you're a total doormat (everyone is at times), being a good honest person is genuine and authentic and desirable.

[mercuryshadow]

I was with a guy who was a sociopath, for 6 years. I won't rehash because my head is so far out of that mess that it's actually hard for me to remember, but it ended 3 years ago. It was also a co-dependent relationship, which is why it took so long to end. Some of the worst pain of my life stemmed from that R, and I thought I'd hurt forever, but I didn't. Once I was out for good, I felt free. I had become so accustomed to feeling like garbage on the inside that I didn't realize that better existed. It did. And I grew as a person quite rapidly, because being stuck for so long truly stunted my emotional growth. I was the able to move on and find a healthy relationship, having gained so much wisdom from my past mistakes.

Edited July 17, 2014 by mercuryshadow

[flitzanu]

so all of these sociopaths that everyone dated, they were clinically diagnosed as being sociopaths?

[ForeverInTheWait]

so all of these sociopaths that everyone dated, they were clinically diagnosed as being sociopaths?

 

 

So she "said", burden of proof right. I didn't ask her to prove it by showing me some kind of motorized document. She didn't brag, she wasn't ashamed either when she told me.

 

Symptom wise behavior wise and traumatic events suggest.

 

Having only taken basic psychology classes and abnormal as an elective, having been in the system... I cannot label a clinical diagnosis I can only speculate and do by comparisons.

[todreaminblue]

so all of these sociopaths that everyone dated, they were clinically diagnosed as being sociopaths?

 

 

true i think socipath is thrown around quite freely for people who dont deserve the tag of sociopath ...some people just behave badly and there isnt any medication for that.....doesnt make them sociopathic...

 

 

 

ok just googled the difference between sociopath and pyschopath.....i was going to tell about the locked ward at the psyche ward being full of sociopaths but they werent sociopaths they were psychopaths serving time so yeah those guys were hardcore including females....

 

 

 

is it possible though, that every one goes through periods of sociopathy......at one time or another in their life due to external factors...i guess what defines a person into not staying in that realm might be how good their heart was in the first place....and how strong their mind is to overcome social dysfunction......deb

[johnson_j]

I'm not certain I dealt with a sociopath. I just believe she was a girl who was in the midst of a crisis of her own making, who chose to behaving in a dishonest and dishonorable manner, by using her looks and affection as tools to manipulate and get what she wants out of people, not caring about the hurt she caused on others. There are signs this has been going on a long time but honestly I don't know, and don't much care. I do feel sympathy for another who has been harmed in the past and will be harmed in the future, and I also feel sorry for her because I believe (or want to believe) she is a good person with a good heart who is just stuck in a rut and hasn't quite found the willpower to get out of it.

 

Then there are totally evil people - who are just plain evil and have no good intentions ever. Thankfully I've not met one and don't intend to.

[lacey2187]

I hit the all-the-wrong-traits jackpot when I met my ex.

 

 

-Sociopath (lies, lies and more lies)

-Meth user

-Gambling addict

-inability to hold down a job

-inability to manage money

 

 

What the hell was I there for?

 

 

-He was beautiful, tall and well built. He made anyone id ever been with before look like a boy.

-He had this incredible confidence. I felt I was someone because I was with him. Despite the fact everyone warned me he was bad news.

- Sex. god it was good.

-companionship, I loved spending time with him watching tv/movies

 

 

what I am realising

 

 

-he was constantly lying for his own gain - to gain time away from me to do drugs, for money to fund his drinking, gambling, drugs etc.

-he was completely unreliable. "ill be home in a few hours". que me firing off frantic text at ungodly hours because he once again has not come home and turned him phone off. my stomach would churn

-he did not care if he broke a promise or lied. he would manipulate me into thinking it was my fault "your so clingy why do you think I didn't come home!"

-my gut instinct was trying so hard to guide me but I wanted this man and that old chestnut "I thought he would change...that he would see I was trying to get his life on track"

-constant manipulation. he was fired the morning we broke up this was my fault as I didn't allow him to take my car and made him get public transport. he blamed getting fired on me. never mind the fact he had all the time in the world to get to work..he was up all night on a bender.

- he still has a strong grip on me, the withdrawl is so painful its almost unbearable.

[Missy0724]

Me, too. I am two months out of a 10 month RS with possible narcissistic man, sociopath, something...not sure what. All I know is after reading up on these mental disorders, he def had something!

 

Yes! So attractive, charming, charasmatic, well dressed, all the right words, confidence, swept me off my feet, out to expensive restaurants, trips, showing off with money, but in a subtle way...took me 10 months to take off the rose colored glasses...

 

Found out he was an addict of many things, including his ex wife, sex, love, material things, spending money, what people think of him, big ego, showing off, always juggling 10 balls in the air, over compensating, etc.

 

No other friends; for 10 months he never spent any time with other people besides me, and his kids, when he had them.

 

Cheated on ex, and after two years, angry at HER bc she divorced him, "abondonded" him, was supposed to be his "friend". After he F ed prostitutes, AND her best friend. And he angry she dating someone...because she was "his". And noone can have her, if he can't. SICK.

 

Took me 10 months to learn who he really was. And he manipulated me. Gas lighted me-turned things around on me, when I would question him, or express my hurt feelings that he still had feelings, very unhealthy feelings! for his ex wife. He'd tell me bc I got upset, now HE doesn't trust ME anymore, now we can't grow, he can't open up to me anymore... ???

 

Made me feel guilty for questioning him, always apologizing for getting upset, sorry for not being understanding. He manipulated me so I'd feel sorry for him, tried to convince me his ex wife not a nice person; her fault he cheated! His parents fault, his childhood why he "became" an addict. Everyone else's fault!!!

And he's 40 years old!!!

 

Pathetic. See ya. Good riddance. Either very immature or yes, some kind of sociopathic behavior.

 

And three weeks after we broke up, in a conversation we were having, he all excited, bragging about all the great things he's doing now, including having a date! Great! Just what I wanted to hear! Selfish prick.

 

Live and learn, yes. NEVER again.

 

Don't date people who are "projects". RUN away, fast.

[Taramere]

Anyone make it through the break up with a sociopath?

 

I'm pretty sure I've never been involved with a sociopath. Most guys I've dated, back when I used to date, were pretty normal people. I dated a few who were a bit quirky, and one whose behaviour was odd enough that I wondered if he had Asperger's (that didn't last for long - his behaviour was too strange, and wasn't coupled with any of the sense of humour or other qualities I'd need to see in order to put up with it).

 

I do recall diagnosing an ex with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In fact, I wrote screeds about it and became way too preoccupied for my own good with the whole "NPD" thing. The reality, looking back, was that some elements of his behaviour were consistent with descriptions of bi-polar disorder that I've seen, and he was certainly quite an egotistical and narcissistic sort of character...but at the end of the day he functioned on a day to day level. He cheated on me at the end of the relationship, and as part of that he lied. Cheating and other bad behaviour tends to make liars of normally honest people and I've no reason to believe that barring that bad behaviour he wasn't generally fairly honest and upfront with people.

 

Still I got entrenched in the whole "he had NPD" thing. Probably because the break up occurred in very difficult circumstances at a time when I was particularly vulnerable. I would spend a lot of time chatting on the internet to other people who saw themselves as survivors of a relationship with a narcissist. There was a bit of a community feel to it all, and it provided me with a sense of support - and also a sense that my extremely distressed reaction to the break up was validated on the basis that this was no ordinary break up. In reality, there was nothing particularly extraordinary about it. I just wasn't equipped to cope very well at the time for various reasons.

 

I'm not a psychiatrist, and even if I were I doubt I'd be diagnosing your ex. As I understand it, diagnoses of anti social behaviour disorders tend to be made as part of assessing convicted criminals' prospects of rehabilitation. Or people who have come to the attention of the psychiatric services on account of very socially disruptive and problematic behaviour (ie way beyond cheating on or lying to a partner) might be assessed as having a number of markedly anti-social traits.

 

What I believe, leaving all the stuff about diagnosing exes with mental health disorders aside, is that when we've gone through a break up with somebody who has treated us very badly in the process, it's very easy to fall into that horrible state of asking "what's wrong with me?" It's a common reaction to feelings of abandonment and neglect. Most people will get it at some point, and for people of a more sensitive disposition it can be hard to cope with. When you have that awful sense of "what's wrong with me?" it's way too easy and tempting to start projecting it onto the person who's hurt you. To start asking "what's wrong with them" - and, following from that, ending up diagnosing them with some disorder or another.

 

And it may well be that your ex has one. I have no idea. Clearly you encountered some pretty awful behaviour, and you're in pain right now. I think that your pain is very normal and understandable and that you're entitled to it. That you don't need to justify it by presenting people with any kind of evidence that your ex has a serious mental health problem. Especially if she's never been diagnosed with such a thing. And focusing too much on the subject of whether or not she does have one will just keep you thinking about her. Which is not productive, not helpful and not healthy. Whether or not she was a sociopath - that's her problem, and the problem of anybody who's still in her life. Your emphasis should be on healing, and ruminating over whether her behaviour meets the diagnostic criteria for an antisocial disorder is highly unlikely to achieve anything in terms of helping you to heal.

Edited August 28, 2014 by Taramere

[D-Lish]

These threads/posts have clearly made me realize my ex is BPD/sociopath/narcissist. Having said that, and even knowing it, why is it so hard to let go of her? Why do I keep thinking she will be the "great" person I thought she was with her new guy. It still drives me crazy...

 

It's so hard because you love the person with the false front- the one that drew you in and made you feel so adored. That's simply a role for a sociopath, and none of it is real. It's like falling for a character in a movie- then meeting the person in real life and discovering they aren't that character, it was just a role. They were simply acting. Do you know the actor in real life when you're watching a movie? You may think you can get a sense, but you can't- usually because they're "that good".

 

They don't feel empathy, guilt, remorse. They lie to you because they can, they lie when there is no need to lie because they can't help it. They size you up and become your perfect partner after studying what makes you tick, then they become that person to manipulate you for their own personal pleasure.

 

They will lie, steal, manipulate, cheat, victimize without remorse. It's crushing, because normal people don't approach life this way, we can't even comprehend what it's like not having a conscience or having empathy.

 

I just left a guy- a short term 3 month relationship- he was a textbook Sociopath. I thought we had something special in the beginning because we chatted for a long time before meeting. I thought I was finally opening up in a good way by revealing my vulnerabilities and insecurities in our lengthy chats. We both opened up and told each other mountains of intimate information about one another...

 

Little did I know, I was only giving him ammunition to make himself the perfect guy for me- and he tried to mimic that for sure. When we met, there was fireworks- he told me he loved me pretty much right away, told me he was going to marry me, I was special, the most beautiful and sophisticated girl he'd ever met, wanted to raise his daughter with me- when I met his young daughter and we had a great day, he told me we were going to make a wonderful family together... The list goes on.

 

The lies that came out of his mouth were outrageous. He lied about his career, his financial status, accomplishments, that he owned his house- he lied about anything and everything. I began to see through him, and I didn't get taken in for too long. He was secretive, compulsive gambling, and his "occasional" weed use was anything but occasional- he was smoking chronically all day.... Inconsiderate, selfish, unreliable, empty promises... He also shut off like a faucet quite easily in the end when he realized I wasn't falling for his BS.

 

I certainly drank in the attention initially- but there was always something I couldn't put my finger on.

 

Borderlines, Sociopaths, Narcissists are all different diagnoses. You may see a cross over in behaviours- but a Sociopath and a Borderline are very different. A Borderline might not understand what they are doing or how their own behaviour impacts others- but still care. A Sociopath knows exactly what they are doing, and they don't care. Completely different animals. Neither are people you'd want to date- and both will leave a wave of emotional destruction in their wake- but not the same at all.

 

If I can make a distinction- A sociopath operates like a Great White Shark without a conscience. A Borderline operates like a Great White Shark with a conscience. Both are going to eat you if you're prey.

 

A true Sociopath feels nothing too deeply- and operates without guilt or remorse. They will devalue you and discard you in a heartbeat if you stop serving your purpose to them. You can ask "omg, how can a person do such terrible things and not care"... The answer is they don't care, they aren't equipped to. You can't fix that- they are wired differently and they can't be healed or changed.

Edited August 29, 2014 by D-Lish