The sociopath and the Damage Done

[ForeverInTheWait]

We all know the sky is blue. We've known it as long as we could see it, hear about it in books, poetry, music ect.

 

What if I told you .... even the strongest of the strong .. the skeptics, the one who see's em coming from a mile awhile away ....

 

there is a personality type that could look you dead in the eye and tell you the sky is red, and you would try your case and present your facts, but in the end, you'd walk away saying ...the sky is red.

 

Dating a sociopath is about like that. Breaking up with a sociopath allows the real confusion, uncertainty, and that bit of maybe that makes letting go seem impossible.

 

We were together for 6 years. We seemed to fit amazingly. Even down to the trates in a partner you'd refer to as them being a "nag" but in the end it was just that push you needed to prevail. We complimented each other , had similar goals, and for me she made me feel understood, accepted and like we really had something that was awsome.

 

I delt with lies, allusive behaviour, drugs, cheating, and after awhile felt very disliked amusing those we associated with and couldn't figure out why.

 

I'd ask questions and she'd tell me the guilty party is the accuser.

If I felt insecure or wanted to discuss anything, it would get turned around on me and in the end I was apologizing.

I asked why everyone was giving me the cold shoulder, she told me it was because I was controlling and wouldn't let her hang out with anyone ....this phrase would be used as she walked in the door after being gone for hours to "hang out" spending money I gave her to do so, and dropping her off .....

 

When your partner accuses you of doing things that are causing tension, stress, ect. The logical thing to do is make your self aware and modify the nehaviour or action.

 

So I did. I Modified myself to correct things I hadn't done, but had started to feel like I had. That focus, took the focus off of my concern and an hour later I would say to myself "Hey wait a minute" but didn't want to start the run around again.

 

 

She planned a way out of state. Without me. I supported it as it would get her away from the drugs and she could get it together.

the hardest thing I did was watch her spend the last 2 weeks here with the guy she was cheating with , take her to airport and have her call me back to the gate and promise her someday I'd make her my wife.

 

Within a month and a half she was dating the preacher of the church.

Within 9 months she married a guy and moved to another state with him.

 

After she left ....truths started coming out.

Her friends refereed to me as her "fail safe"

They did not like me because she told them I was beating her. They questioned about any marks, she said they were in non disclosed area's that she didnt want to show or her head were you could not see.

She couldn't get out because I wouldn't let her, so she stayed to use me because she didn't have to work, had the place to herself when I left for work.

 

I even made friends with the other man.

 

 

I feel a little ripped off that I endured the brunt of her evil and now ....she is all clean sober well mannered holds a job , however she is lying to the hiusband by talking to me via an app/game. We keep everything really surface. She doesn't want me.

 

The hard part is, wondering if she ever did.

How much of it was truth and how much was lie.

 

I still question everything I do.

I use to be loud and outspoken, now I mumble and am mostly silent.

 

It's been 2 years, and I don't really know how to stop looking up at the sky and saying "thats a nice blue ... I mean red ..no blue ...no it's red sky."

 

Anyone make it through the break up with a sociopath?

[phoenix85]

Hey there,

 

I'm dealing with a similar situation right now. Although I wouldn't call her an introvert,

I suspect she does have some form of psychiatric disorder because the way she acts

doesn't make any sense at all.

 

The best advice I can give you is that under all circumstances, do not doubt yourself.

You're probably a decent human being, as shown by your willingness to help that woman

get clean. If she didn't realize it, it's her loss.

 

Keep helping others, and one day you will find someone who truly cares about you. It

probably doesn't look like it right now, but someday you -will- find such a person.

 

Hope I helped.

[Jay77098]

Forever ITW -

 

My last GF was a sociopath, and I am still trying to get my head straight about the whole relationship. Like your experience, she looked me right in the eye on many occasions and....just....flat-out....lied to my face. Of course, I didn't know it at the time; it is only after the relationship ended and I started looking back on it that I realized all of this.

 

I probably should have been more wary, given the way our relationship unfolded. From the very first date, we had incredible, intense electricity between us. Too much, in retrospect, for the first couple of dates. She stared me in the eye intensely, and she told me things that made me believe that she was EXACTLY the one that I have been looking for. I fell for her fast, and I fell hard.

 

When she had had enough of me, when she had satisfied whatever emotional need she needed to satisfy and couldn't get any more excitement from being with me, she turned on a dime and dumped me. It came out of nowhere. We had just spent a great week together, our best week together actually, and then on Saturday night of that same week, she coolly, calmly, dispassionately sent me packing.

 

The next week, I got together with her one more time to try to talk through it, to see if this beautiful relationship was really over. I don't really know why she even met with me, but she did. It was awful. She turned on me, just like your ex turned on you. She deflected and twisted my questions, accusing me of not trusting her, of not being this or not being that. And she rained down contempt. Oh, was she contemptuous of me.

 

The whole "relationship" was all a lie, every bit of it. It was just a show that this sociopath put on to lure in her next "partner", her next source of emotional supply. And in the end, I was left with nothing but unanswered questions and a shattered heart.

 

I am still trying to deal with this. I still can't believe it happened, honestly. There are days when I think about it and it seems surreal. I am slowly moving on, trying to date new women and that is going OK. But to be honest, I can't stop thinking about my sociopath ex-GF and what happened.

[Jay77098]

One more comment. Check out this link and see if any of this sounds familiar:

 

Sanctuary for the Abused: The Romantic Sociopath

[Oregon_Dude]

My ex before the last one was a classic BPD sociopathic type.

 

Don't try to understand their actions. They're shells of human beings. They're interested in their own needs only and have absolutely no capacity for empathy or sympathy or truly loving or caring about another human being.

 

All you can do is try to forget, by meeting new, NORMAL women, working out, hobbies, and all of that cliche (but true) post-breakup BS.

 

Also: yours could be Borderline like mine. I highly recommend a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells. This could help you understand the complexity of the disorder of the person you were with.

 

Bottom line: don't analyze. Their brains work on a different planet. They are just bad people.

 

Sorry you went through that. Time to meet great, human women!

[Jay77098]

Excellent post, Oregon Dude. It took me a while to get that through my head. You CAN'T analyze their actions like you would a normal person's. THEY ARE NOT FULLY HUMAN. They don't have emotional capacity, don't feel empathy or guilt, and are basically incapable of normal, human connection. Sub-human.

 

By the way, everything that I have read about sociopaths indicates that they KNOW they have this problem, and it enrages them to be called out on it. I can tell you that when I called out my ex-GF on her lies (during our final conversation ever), I saw her lose her cool and composure for the first time ever. She lost it, and then stormed out the door. Scary.

[johnson_j]

I strongly believe my ex falls into this category too. So friendly and nice when we met, talking about a great future almost immediately, one day cold as ice.

 

 

I've never dealt with someone that when called out on their lies gets so mad and tried to twist it around like it was my fault that I caught her in a web of lies.

 

 

No I wouldn't take her back, and no I don't want to understand why she did it. I feel sorry for the next guy who falls under her spell, because she's a beauty who has an inner beast.

[Oregon_Dude]

Oh yeah. They're typically very beautiful. Part of the problem. Let the next guy deal with them. For me, life is about PEACE and quiet. Quiet of the mind, quiet of the soul. There are good, cute, normal women out there for ALL of us.

[Jay77098]

Yeah, another good point, Oregon Dude. My ex was absolutely beautiful. When I picked her up for our first-ever date, the first thought that crossed my mind was "I am in over my head here". She was that good looking. And yes, it allows her to manipulate men with attraction and sex.

 

My ex is dating another guy now, and I honestly feel bad for him. He has no idea what is about to happen to him.

[M30USA]

If there's nothing else I can say, OP, just be comforted by the fact that we KNOW what you are saying here. We've lived it. We're all in this boat together.

 

The toughest part is her convincing people that you beat and abused her. I've also gone through this. It's worse than horrible.

[pound5050]

I know exactly what you mean with the drugs, the lies, the breaking down as a man (mumbling).

 

To me, it's all about pride. How the hell can this girl get away with lying to/ on me, doing **** behind my back, etc? It hurts more that she got over on you than that she did it. You know what i mean?

 

I feel that everyday I was with this girl. And I'll tell you what, part of the reason I stayed with her was because I felt like after all the bs she put me through, all the lies, at least she's still mine. But the reality is that she only stayed with us (an by her I mean the sociopath, addict, loser) was because she could manipulate us and the only reason we stayed with her was because we knew as long as we accepted her behavior (subconsciously or not)we wouldn't have to be alone.

 

I honestly feel like I wouldn't know what to do with someone who didn't argue with me all the time, lie to me, snort pills with my money, etc. Like I don't deserve to have a great relationship. That's what this twisted thinking of being in a relationship with trash will do to us. I've programmed myself to think it's normal, to accept it. And that's why all my friends with relationships with good people, good women, roll their eyes or tell me I'm crazy when I used to talk about mine.

 

The sociopath is like the guy who beats his dog, we're the dog. Eventually we become submissive and give to their wishes, for an occasional treat or scratch on the back. But every once and a while we bite that ************* and run off and live a happy life.

 

That's what I'm about, my dude and it sounds like you are as well.

 

I wish you the best.

[ForeverInTheWait]

@ Jay77098 - Thank you for the link

 

@ Oregon_Dude - When I was a kid they threw around the BPD thing with me.

so I know a little about it. Ever read, "I hate you don't leave me" ?

Borderlines have emotion and show empathy ... The sociopath isn't equipt for that,

and to perfect the lying craft will try to fake it or mimic it to seem sincere.

 

You made a good point about not trying to understand the actions.

 

Perhaps this is the part I'm having the actual issue with. For me to bring about closure

to anything, I need to understand the process start to finish.

I can't help it. It's this over analytical questioning and uncertainties that leaves room

for maybe it was real maybe it wasnt ... and its that 1% of maybe it was ...that has day dreaming that

the perfect aspects of it will come back .. when the 99$ logic says she's married, she screwed you over,

it was all a sham, and she's gone.

 

@ M30USA THANK YOU !! This seems so messed up to say, but having this interaction,

hearing that this has occured with others does take away some of the thinking that maybe it was me and I'm nuts.

I'm sorry to anyone thats endured similar, however that experiance just helped aleviate some of the pain.

 

 

 

And to everyone who posted, THANK YOU for your responses, insight, and sharing your experiances ...

 

For this being my first post, I feel very welcomed and like I made a good choice in reaching out and learning some things to helpo get rid of this negative baggage.

[Jay77098]

Borderlines have emotion and show empathy ... The sociopath isn't equipt for that,

and to perfect the lying craft will try to fake it or mimic it to seem sincere.

 

You made a good point about not trying to understand the actions.

 

Perhaps this is the part I'm having the actual issue with. For me to bring about closure

to anything, I need to understand the process start to finish.

I can't help it. It's this over analytical questioning and uncertainties that leaves room

for maybe it was real maybe it wasnt ... and its that 1% of maybe it was ...that has day dreaming that

the perfect aspects of it will come back .. when the 99$ logic says she's married, she screwed you over,

it was all a sham, and she's gone.

 

 

FITW: Oh. My. God. This is EXACTLY how I feel, and have felt since March when my ex-GF pulled the plug. At first, I couldn't understand what had happened, why she had left the relationship. It took me a looooong time to put all the pieces together: Her cool, almost-detached demeanor; her lack of any long-term friends; her careful attention to her privacy; her overwhelming interest in me early on; her carefully-crafted compliments to stroke my ego. All of it is sociopath behavior.

 

And now, I am left wondering how much of it was real. And I think the answer is: Almost none. She may have felt some initial physical attraction; she certainly had the hyper-sexuality of the sociopath. But I don't think there was ever any REAL affection. She told me once that she had called her parents to tell them that she had a new boyfriend, and she told me that was the first time that she had used that word in years. I can only assume that this was yet another lie, like the many that I have figured out since the BU. Was any of it real? Honestly, I don't think so. I think it was all just one huge tapestry of lies.

[FortunateSon]

These threads/posts have clearly made me realize my ex is BPD/sociopath/narcissist. Having said that, and even knowing it, why is it so hard to let go of her? Why do I keep thinking she will be the "great" person I thought she was with her new guy. It still drives me crazy...

[Jay77098]

FortunateSon: I am with you. It is so unbelievably hard to let go. I think this is the real crux of the Damage Done (kudos to FITW for that perfect phrasing) with respect to the sociopath. Because they are lying to you, because they manipulate you, everything seems so incredibly good. I love this woman!!! It's the best relationship I've ever had! It's just perfect!

 

Except it isn't. It's a lie. The whole relationship is a lie. And when it's gone, we are all left here aching for what was (or more accurately, what we THOUGHT was). It just hurts to have experienced the sheer joy, only to have it taken from us, only to find out it was all just an illusion.

 

As to your second point, you have to remember that she WON'T be a great person with her new guy. Right now, he is enjoying all the stuff we did. Getting his ego stroked, having tons of fun out on the town, getting the overload of sex. And somewhere down the road, his sociopath GF will have squeezed all the emotional "fix" out of him that she can, and she will dump him and hook up with her next victim. And the current BF will be logging onto LoveShack trying to figure out what went wrong...

[SoThatHappened]

These threads/posts have clearly made me realize my ex is BPD/sociopath/narcissist. Having said that, and even knowing it, why is it so hard to let go of her? Why do I keep thinking she will be the "great" person I thought she was with her new guy. It still drives me crazy...

 

I thought the same thing when someone (Downtown, great guy btw) told me about BPD when he read one of my rants about my ex.

 

At first I was convinced. I felt victimized/validated, and felt that I finally had a REASON why it ended. Wasn't my fault, right?! I had closure!

 

After a few weeks of hanging my hat on her having BPD but still hurting, I just said to myself, "Who cares?!"

 

Once my head and logic came back around, I realized that I don't ever.... ever, ever, ever, ever... ever... want to end up with someone like that. I dodged a car-sized bullet and get another stab at being happy.

 

I am now so thankful I didn't get her pregnant. So thankful we didn't end up getting married or having kids, and then screwing up their lives because she was BPD/NPD/Sociopath, whatever the heck is wrong with her.

 

It's hard to deal with someone who does things like this. BUT, they are also easier to let go when you realize that there are better suitors out there, who think and rationalize on the same realm as other healthy-functioning people.

 

The heartache sucks, and people with traits like we're talking about here have a way of sucking us in, but be thankful you don't have to deal with her the rest of your life.

[FortunateSon]

Downtown has been fantastic in sharing his knowledge on the subject, I am always grateful for his input. While in some ways I completely agree it has been helpful to understand what her issues are and why she was like that, it doesn't take away all of the pain. I am a year post BU from a 6 year RS/engagement and still sometimes feel guilty and wonder "what if" about a lot of things. Sometimes I wonder if it was me, even though I KNOW there was nothing else I could do. It has been hard because I know there are exponentially better, healthier women out there but I haven't found one yet, while she moved on a few mere months after and was devious enough to find a way to let me know...

[SoThatHappened]

It has been hard because I know there are exponentially better, healthier women out there but I haven't found one yet, while she moved on a few mere months after and was devious enough to find a way to let me know...

 

Same boat as you. My RS was much shorter, so it's easier for me to write it off. Couldn't imagine being in it as long as you were. You deserve a medal!

 

One thing that helped me (since my ex left me for a co-worker) was to remember that she has always been and will probably always continue to rinse/recycle/repeat.

 

The guy who my ex dumped for me actually wanted to talk to me right when she left him for me. He wasn't mad, he actually just wanted to warn me. I thought that was pretty unusual, but I was "in love,", right? Huge red flag that I shouldn't have ignored.

 

I even thought about calling the ex's co-worker to warn him, for a split-second anyway, because these women are life-suckers. Hurricanes that just leave a path of destruction while continuing to destroy their own lives. They just don't see it. They're not... normal, for lack of a better word.

 

A great quote from the first reply I got in my first post here was: "Hug the cactus and let this one go."

 

I wasn't looking for that advice at the time. I wanted reasons, and for everyone to tell me how "insane" she is. Funny now, it's one of the best pieces of advice I've received in the month and a half I've been here.

 

Still love commiserating with everyone, as it helped me a lot in the early stages.

[FortunateSon]

That's really funny, after she stalked and contacted someone I was casually dating to "warn" her about me of all things, I wanted to contact her BF and ask what he thought of her meddling in my affairs and to let him know of her issues. I was the bigger person and decided in the end no good would have come from it. She is in a hurry to marry and have babies, and the fact that her BF seems to be a "safe bet" i.e. a controllable pushover, I think she will lock him down to serve her purpose. As much as I feel bad for him, I still sometimes wonder if she treats him better than me?

[SoThatHappened]

That's really funny, after she stalked and contacted someone I was casually dating to "warn" her about me of all things, I wanted to contact her BF and ask what he thought of her meddling in my affairs and to let him know of her issues. I was the bigger person and decided in the end no good would have come from it. She is in a hurry to marry and have babies, and the fact that her BF seems to be a "safe bet" i.e. a controllable pushover, I think she will lock him down to serve her purpose. As much as I feel bad for him, I still sometimes wonder if she treats him better than me?

 

What a psycho... She obviously was still hung up on you if she was trying to meddle in your life. She didn't want you to move on.

 

My ex was in a hurry to do EVERYTHING! Wanted her daughter to call me "daddy" within 3 months. Wanted to move in within 4 months. Wanted to get engaged at 5 months. Then strayed at 7 months. That trait, along with a laundry list of other really crazy traits made me believe she is BPD and or something else. I know some people are crazy, but she was over the top!

 

Yeah, controllable pushovers get walked on, cheated on, disrespected, and blamed... poor b@st@rd! That's the worst treatment in the world, IMO!

[Justaguy30]

Similar situation, lying, cheating, abuse and I was made out to be the bad guy and still am. She went around ****ing everyone while I took care of her kids. If I questioned her behavior she would turn it on me and make me sound crazy and I would always be saying sorry for accusing her but she was lying. Be happy to be rid of her, she may be clean and seem well mannered but she is still doing the same stuff. You can't help someone like that because they were born to use and abuse people. She will likely never stop.

[johnson_j]

Similar situation, lying, cheating, abuse and I was made out to be the bad guy and still am. She went around ****ing everyone while I took care of her kids. If I questioned her behavior she would turn it on me and make me sound crazy and I would always be saying sorry for accusing her but she was lying. Be happy to be rid of her, she may be clean and seem well mannered but she is still doing the same stuff. You can't help someone like that because they were born to use and abuse people. She will likely never stop.

 

Check, check, and check. Just a few weeks after meeting my ex, she was talking about all the things we were going to do for the next few years, how much she enjoyed me, how I made her feel so good, moving in jokes, etc. And then just one day nothing. And then a few weeks later it was back on, and then a few weeks after that nothing.

 

 

It was a long road to the realization that I don't want her, nor should I even care to be friends with her. The lies are what really got to me - if she just was honest it would have been a chance to just remain friends. Instead, she chose to use me for all she could and then when I finally caught on and manned up and put an end to it, the rage in her came out about how it was all my fault and I'm such a horrible person, etc. Out of all my exes, I am friends with all of them now except her. Took me 35 years to meet someone who tried to suck the life out of me, and glad I didn't succumb to her.

[Justaguy30]

My ex still maintains to this day that she never lied to me and didn't cheat on me even though I caught her doing it through a door and all kinds of people have told me about stuff. She literally tried to drive me insane and kill me. I mean there was no other point to what she did. Those sorts of people will self destruct one day and I will crack a cold one and enjoy the show. Hopefully one day ill heal from what happened to me. My story is I was always in love with her she separated from her ex we got together she made me feel like I had never felt she showed me with gifts and said she wanted to live together and have another child and get married and blah blah. I was very cool with all of it as I had always loved her. I started noticing things like every time I was at work and she was at home she would call to see what time I was going to be back and her son would always take a nap when I was gone but never while I was there. Then she would never want to have sex the days that happened so I started accusing her and then she stopped sleeping with me because she said she was hurt that I was accusing her. It was a huge mind fuc and she actually had me believing I was crazy because I could never catch her in the act. This went on for way too long and I would buy her flowers and chocolates and all kinds of things to try to make her happy. I did everything she ever asked because she had me believing I was being mean to her even though I knew she was screwing people some where in my heart. Anyhow she would break things hit me cut herself after I accused her I mean it was brutal. The only reason I didn't leave is I for some reason thought it could get better but it was never going to work because she is crazy. I just loved her so much I couldn't leave her. It was the worst experience of my life. Be happy you got out alive. Those sorts of people don't live in reality and are capable of seriously injuring people. I am surprised she didn't kill me in my sleep or have one of the guys she was screwing try to hurt me.

[todreaminblue]

My exes cheated on me and were unfaithful dont know if i would class them as sociopaths more addicted to substances......and when they were high or drunk or whatever that is when they strayed.....or abused...when they were hanging out for drugs.....i do know that when i left my ex i am actually really proud of him .....now...he has given it all up .....bit sad it couldnt have been with me ...but things happen for a reason..he now leads the life i always wanted him to have...a clean one......he is supportive of me and insists it was him who messed up our relationship so no i dont class him as sociopathic although drug and alcohol addictions often tend to turn people into something they are not and i dont believe they are really human sometimes...ok dramatic...but in my case true.....

 

 

your story the way you worded it with the red sky analogy is a bit haunting.....wistful.....captured my attention

 

i have always seen blue skies no matter what i was told the color was ....my own perception is always brighter.....and that's how i deal with lies....i trust my own perception...i can't be swayed .....to thinking the sky is red...

 

 

i can't be tricked into believing.....

 

 

 

to believe it has to come from my heart and my heart is actually blind.......my heart hears so much more........i can have headphones on be looking down and have music blasting and my heart will tell me there is a car coming or to look up and someone i need to see is coming towards me......so no i dont need another person in my way telling me their perceptions i need to listen to the voices inside me...i have enough perceptions of my own to deal with......and they are a lot brighter....when i was staying in a psyche hospital my heart went numb on meds and my perceptions were out because i was drugged......

 

unless i am on meds i will trust my own perceptions.....not others on telling me the sky is not blue......i would simply say .......you are probably right.......the sky isnt really blue .......it could be just a reflection of water .....and water when you stand close to it has no color...so the sky could actually be void of color....but to me the sky looks blue......if you see red ....maybe that's true for you but not for me...i need to see blue.....my heart tells me the blue i see is real to me.....dr suess style...lol...smilin...i am sorry you were in a relationship with soemone who messed with you....at least you know what you dont want or need.....to see ....so you see blue skies dotn let anyone tell you different....stay strong........deb

Edited July 15, 2014 by todreaminblue

[Justaguy30]

The power behind these lies and I have been told some ridiculous lies in my last relationship is love and they know you love them more than anything. Like if I saw her somewhere she would just deny it or lets say I saw her leave the house with one pair of under ware on and come home with another which actually happened. You know what you have seen but you are so in love and trying so hard to make things work these people use that power over you to deceive you into believing ridiculous lies. They throw huge fits and in my case scream and break things and then cut themselves all to divert attention away from getting close to any sort of truth. The sky is red is a pretty good analogy really because that person would go to lengths of almost dying to prove to you it was and they were right. Its sick.