Patsy Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 I have been dating my boyfriend "John" for 7 years. We moved in together last year. He is a talented salesman and makes a good living for himself. I work with children and while I don't make as much as he does, I love it and don't make a bad living. He makes double what I make each year. When we moved in together, we agreed that he would pay a larger share of our household expenses, as he makes more money. This was actually his idea. I contribute about 60% of what he does. I also do all of the cooking, cleaning and shopping/errands. I don't mind doing all of this, as I enjoy domestic work. I feel that this makes us even as far as money goes. At that time, I was very, very unhappy in my job. I would come home crying and was very snappy. John finally told me that I had to make a change for my own (and his) happiness. I was offered a wonderful job that I LOVE! It allows me to be home more, volunteer with a local animal rescue group and go to the gym. I'm much happier. The only downside to accepting this position is that I had to take a 30% cut in pay. I was nervous about this, but John said "I want you to be happy and I will cover more of the bills." I definitely live paycheck to paycheck. I pick up extra work nearly every weekend. It is very difficult to save money. I do my best and am able to meet all of my obligations. Every month or so, he gets angry and blows up at me because he is getting sick of always paying for everything. I remind him of our arrangement and everything generally goes back to normal until he brings it up again. He doesn't put any value in all of the work I do in our home. He doesn't understand why I can't deviate from my budget. He frequently tells me "I don't have a pot to piss in," and "you're 32 years old and can't even support yourself." It hurts to hear these things, especially when I work so hard and do my very best. John has a genetic, degenerative blood disorder. It causes him great pain. I've stood by his side and have nursed him through 2 major surgeries. I'm kind, supportive and giving. I feel as though none of that matters. The worst part is that if I were to leave him, it would be very, very difficult to pull off financially. I feel like a complete loser. Any kind words or advice would be appreciated.
Cynicalme Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 You can't change his way of thinking... so I suggest looking for a place with a roommate. Or work a regular second job. I'd go with a roommate.
CC12 Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 I contribute about 60% of what he does. Was this a typo or am I misunderstanding it? Your contribution of 60% means you pay a larger share of the bills than he does, correct? In any case, I'd be interested in seeing actual numbers. How much did you make before? How much do you make now? You said you took a 30% pay cut and you now get to be home more, go to go to the gym more, and you get to volunteer. Does this leave you time to devote 30% more to the household? Do you cook more, clean more, or take on more of your boyfriend's responsibilities? Your boyfriend agreed to cover more of the bills, so that you could be happier. That is awesome and a really nice thing for a partner to do. But he should be able to see some results out of the extra free time he's enabled you to have. Do you think he sees it? 1
Smilecharmer Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 (edited) Get a job that pays well and stop crying and whining that you don't like it. Plenty of people take jobs they hate so they can contribute, then tell him 50/50 on the household chores since he keeps score. It sounds like he feels overwhelmed being predominantly responsible for everything. No matter how great a job is, if it wouldn't support you without your spouse or bf, it is just a pin money hobby. Get a job where you can support yourself. Maybe this time it will be a better fit for you. Also, he doesn't know enough about himself or his limitations if he accepted you working at a lower paying job and said it was ok, so don't look to him for leadership or guidance in your relationship. He made a bad compromise with you because he was coming from an emotional place instead of a logical one so he can't be seen as a leader or guidance anymore. Edited July 13, 2014 by Smilecharmer 2
anne1707 Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Was this a typo or am I misunderstanding it? Your contribution of 60% means you pay a larger share of the bills than he does, correct? In any case, I'd be interested in seeing actual numbers. How much did you make before? How much do you make now? You said you took a 30% pay cut and you now get to be home more, go to go to the gym more, and you get to volunteer. Does this leave you time to devote 30% more to the household? Do you cook more, clean more, or take on more of your boyfriend's responsibilities? Your boyfriend agreed to cover more of the bills, so that you could be happier. That is awesome and a really nice thing for a partner to do. But he should be able to see some results out of the extra free time he's enabled you to have. Do you think he sees it? It means that for every 100 he paid, she paid 60. She has already said that she does ALL the cooking, housework etc so he does benefit from her non-financial contribution to the household whilst he does not have to do any of this work. However he is not recognising the value of this work. 5
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Sounds like someone doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore and is complaining about things that have always been the same. Contrary to what many women believe, you can't buy love or motivation from a man, simply by being there for them during times of need (medical issues), cleaning their house, and everything else...it doesn't trigger a loving feeling, that person may care and recognize those things but those things don't just hang over your head like a cloud and fix relationship problems every time there is an issue. Women like to use things from the past to justify what is happening today or what will happen in the future, or by what is fair according to their emotional and historical scoreboard. However, although those things may be significant at the time, and I'm sure that person will always appreciate it to a degree...it doesn't buy you a relationship, it doesn't mean you'll stay together forever and ever. Man: "I hate not having no money, you're bringing this white man down! welfare check minority scum!" Women: "You ungrateful SOB! who do you think cleans the underwear you're wearing, mops the floor after your drag in mud and don't give a damn because you never clean it anyway! makes you dinner, slaves over this and that just so you're happy and clean!" Man: "You are costing me too much money though! you're too expensive, and I'm no longer interested or happy in piggy backing you through life financially, this has gotten old...and although I agreed to everything at one point to this, I am kind of being like a woman...changing my mind based on no logical reason, however there is a reason I just won't tell you because I'm obviously a man and think rationally" Women: "Well then I guess I'm going to stress out about it, have anxiety over this relationship and we'll both fight about it because we have poor communication and you want something that you're not expressing to me...so I'm going to spend time investing energy into irrelevant things hoping it will save my relationship...btw can we talk about things now and come to a shakey agreement that will ultimately change nothing in the end?" Men: "Sure, why not...not like I have a choice!" Ultimately he's likely to not leave you if you keep pressuring him and giving him a hard enough time...because it will cost him more money and time to lose you than keep you around, he's not going to hire a maid and pay someone money to do all the things you do, plus provide him with love, affection and sex. As much as he may want to leave or just be over it, does he really have a choice? do you really have a choice? so i think it's going to take a few more years before this reaches a breaking point, right now you're still in the beginning stages of the argument process cycle thing. So without any other options or way out, you probably don't have much to worry about for now...will he marry you however? probably not, unless you get pregnant or something along those lines. Even if you broke up, this guy would likely come crawling back...he doesn't know women, he's been in a relationship 7 years, and he's been dependent on you...it's likely he won't know how to function without it, so in a way you are a necessity for him...that's how it is for men, when push comes to shove, most don't have the balls to actually do something about it...even if they are frustrated, unhappy and otherwise wish they could.
thefooloftheyear Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 The sobering reality is that when women entered the workforce in droves, instead of making life easier for couples(now they had more money to pay the same bills that one income paid), everything got harder because the cost of living rose sharply to the point where two incomes are needed just to survive-unless one is a huge earner.. I dunno about your situation...On the one hand, Id probably say that rather than take a huge paycut just to be happier in your job, maybe try to find a different job/career that pays the same(or more) as the old one. But he also convinced you to take the job, so I guess he shares a part of the responsibility for the dilemma... I dont care what anyone says....You need money to live a decent life..Sometimes its a lot of money....And if one spouse is the heavy, then eventually they are going to grow tired of it and the resentment will build.. TFY
readynow Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 When I moved out of our family home when I couldn't endure all the abuse from my ex-H, I moved into a tiny one room apartment with my child, with very little money, a low paying job and studies. I had just moved out of a 6-bedroom house in richman-ville where my husband, despite earning more than 10times my wage, would make me remember every penny we spent. Apart from working, I was the cook, cleaner, baby carer, massage giver, day/night nurse when he was ill, always by his side whenever he wanted me there, always under him whenever he wanted it. All that never mattered at the time tho till now, he still wants me back... When I left, I was earning minimum wage, living in my little hole, but I knew that what I earned was mine to manage and live by. I cooked for myself, no need to spend 2hrs cooking for high-n-mighty, no need to clean a massive house or be a certain way or look after an ungrateful cow. I was happy. It always seems scary to leave. It's not impossible though. If you're a burden unto the man, I would advise that you start to ease him of that burden and find a way to look afrer yourself. 3
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 You made choices about your employment & finances. Make different ones. Not to keep your BF because after 7 years & living together he's already part way out the door. At this point he's probably considering marriage, deciding against it for whatever reason & now trying to figure out how to end this relationship but feeling trapped. Look into getting a roommate or a higher paying job so you can move out. It's nice that you volunteer but it looks like that will become a luxury you can no longer afford. Talk to the people you volunteer with. They may have animal related ideas on how you can make more money -- dog walking for instance.
beatcuff Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 ...Every month or so, he gets angry and blows up at me because he is getting sick of always paying for everything... Any kind words or advice would be appreciated. back to the ACTUAL question: i was put in a similar situation several years ago in which my W changed jobs for less pay to be happier. while she was and it showed, at the end of each 4 (pay period) month it was extremely stressful to meet our obligations. so the time to discuss the situation is during a quiet moment. when he is NOT emotionally charged. such as today. stop with the 'you said' or 'i do X and Y'. he is looking at a pile of bills, and a partner reminding him 'it's his fault' (in his mind). instead state the same from HIS point of view. example: 'the house is clean and dinner is ready when you are home'. he needs to know he made the right choice.
spiderowl Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 If he's like this now, when you are contributing 60% financially and doing all the housework, how would he be when you are married, have children or have fallen pregnant whilst being unmarried? He sounds mean and I suspect is angling to get out of this relationship. I don't know how you feel about staying in it, apart from the financial side which is probably the last reason you should stay in a relationship, but I would find his attitude mean and disrespectful. He is not a guy who is going to stand with you when you are down. He may feel that you won't be there for him while he's down either, especially given his illness. You both need someone who can support you at times. Maybe you need to talk about what each would feel was supportive and about the future. Were you thinking of marrying him one day, having children? Have you discussed any of this with him? I think you need to decide if you are going to stay with this guy or not and, if you want to, see on what terms it will be. He wants to change the terms.
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