I think writing an email to my ex is a good idea. Should I do it?

[BC1980]

The amount of negativity here is mind-boggling. I suppose, given the fact that you don't know either of us, it's understandable.

However, I will say in the three texts sent (and remember, I didn't text first) I never once sounded 'needy'. I was civil, simply asked if she would like a brief chat and if not, I understood. Not if that's moaping, then I'm confused.

 

My first reaction, and that of others I've asked, is if she can't hold a conversation - then she's still too emotional to talk to me as she herself has found the entire situation extremely difficult to deal with.

 

I'd pretty much guarantee that she doesn't want to talk to you because she is scared that you will bring up the relationship, not because she is still struggling herself. She most likely wants to put the entire thing behind her, and it would be awkward for her. I know it's painful to admit that, but it's the most obvious answer. This isn't special. We've all been there. No, we don't know you or your ex, but people tend to behave in the same ways after a breakup.

 

You are in a different place than her emotionally, so you interpret things differently.

[d0nnivain]

We're actually not negative. We are realistic. She sounds kind & realistic too. You, however, still have your vision clouded by romance.

 

 

Everybody struggles after a break up. That initial change when the paradigm of your life status changes & you are alone again, it startling. Even if you are the person who initiated the breakup it's still a stark reality.

 

 

Struggling after a break up is not an indication that she wants reconciliation. If she's telling you that she still can't talk to you basically she means, she is not strong enough to listen to you advocate that the two of you get back together. In essence, she doesn't want to hear it.

[Elle1975]

The amount of negativity here is mind-boggling. I suppose, given the fact that you don't know either of us, it's understandable.

However, I will say in the three texts sent (and remember, I didn't text first) I never once sounded 'needy'. I was civil, simply asked if she would like a brief chat and if not, I understood. Not if that's moaping, then I'm confused.

 

My first reaction, and that of others I've asked, is if she can't hold a conversation - then she's still too emotional to talk to me as she herself has found the entire situation extremely difficult to deal with.

 

People around you will rarely tell you the truth. They know that's not what you want to hear, and they just don't want to hurt your feelings.

 

If you are the kind of friend that will tell the truth no matter what, good for you, but would you agree that friends have a tendency to tell us what we want to hear? Strangers are much more blunt; they aren't emotionally attached to you, yet they can show empathy.

 

After my break up I had two different friends telling me two different things. One was telling me he'd be back, the other hates his guts and was constantly negative about him, and even about me. At the end of the day, I decided to listen to my head and not to my heart.

 

She saw right through your text, and we did too. Yes, she texted you first. I hate to say it, but you blew it with you answer, because it's too soon, and you let it slipped.

 

What you see as negativity is actually good advice. Work on yourself, learn to live without her, learn how to be happy again. When you have achieved those goals, you will be attractive again. She might think "wait a min, why did I let this great guy go?". Once you're back on your feet, you may or may not want to get back together, but you will have a much better shot at it if you do.

Edited July 18, 2014 by Elle1975

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

The amount of negativity here is mind-boggling. I suppose, giisen the fact thlyat you don't know either of us, it's understandable.

However, I will say ithe three texts sent (and remember, I didn't text first) I never once sounded 'needy'. I was civil, simply asked if she would like a brief chat and if not, I understood. Not if that's moaping, then I'm confused.

 

My first reaction, and that of others I've asked, is if she can't hold a conversation - then she's still too emotional to talk to me as she herself has found the entire situation extremely difficult to deal with.

 

Lol its always funny to see new users come on here and tell us how negative the advice is.

 

Truth is, it's not what you want to hear, so you play it off as negative. No one personally attacked you nor was mean. We are telling you honesty here: She doesnt want to be with you. Because she text (even if she did it first) does NOT mean she is considering getting back with you OR even "struggling" with her decision. Frankly, she feels guilty. She knows you are hurting. You asking her to talk made me cringe hard. She clearly knows what you want to talk about and she doesnt care. Why? Because she doesnt want to be with you anymore. Plain and simple. You're making it worse. Yes, its probably difficult to handle. Breakups are not easy..but it doesnt mean anything. Its not some open worm hole to sneak back into her life.

 

And the good ol "you dont know us" phrase.....every situation is "different" sure, but human emotions are the same. I can tell you that what you are saying is something I know I've heard10000 times on here. Guess what happens? Every single one of them end the same.

 

Stop the carousel now.

[NC-Thomas]

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

 

Move on bro.

[irresolute]

Mmmnooo. Bad idea.

 

I remember once, my ex boyfriend of 6 years wrote me a letter after I broke up with him. I didn't even read it. I put it somewhere and got lost. I felt so sorry for him, and I saw him as so vulnerable and sad, that I didn't want to read anything from him.

 

Keep that letter for yourself

[emotionalMess]

So based on what irresolute said, I am now fairly convinced that my ex did not read my letter.

 

My letter to the ex had to do with betraying our friendship. I kept the romantic part out of it.

 

It basically said I don't trust you anymore and cant be close friends with her.

I wrote that maybe in the future we can become casual friends but I would let her know in a month and stay NC until then. Of course she did not wait for that month, she decided then and there not to be friends.

 

So my letter did something yes. It pretty much closed the door for good.

 

Don't send it.

[jphcbpa]

Your ex is 3 or 4 months ahead of you in healing. She knew this was coming and instead of talking about it with you, she bailed.

 

There probably is another guy that helped her fall out of love.

[Panatana90]

Again, you're all assuming that the reason I asked her for a chat was to ask (or even beg) that we get back together. That isn't the case, though. I simply plan to ask a few questions about the actual build-up to the break-up, rather than asking to get back together.

I know she ended it and tbh, I would rather not be with someone who doesn't love me any more. My texts were very civil and put forth no pressure or desperation.

[Ordinaryday]

Again, you're all assuming that the reason I asked her for a chat was to ask (or even beg) that we get back together. That isn't the case, though. I simply plan to ask a few questions about the actual build-up to the break-up, rather than asking to get back together.

I know she ended it and tbh, I would rather not be with someone who doesn't love me any more. My texts were very civil and put forth no pressure or desperation.

 

The VERY FACT that you are contacting her IS and looks like desperation, it DOESNT MATTER what you say or how smooth you are or how nice or civil you are - all it will look like is someone who refuses to take the hint that being dumped meant "stay out of my life".

 

I speak from experience.

[Simon Phoenix]

Again, you're all assuming that the reason I asked her for a chat was to ask (or even beg) that we get back together. That isn't the case, though. I simply plan to ask a few questions about the actual build-up to the break-up, rather than asking to get back together.

I know she ended it and tbh, I would rather not be with someone who doesn't love me any more. My texts were very civil and put forth no pressure or desperation.

 

As OrdinaryDay said, the simple fact that you contacted her is desperate. You could have sent her a note consisting of you writing the lyrics to "Rap God" by Eminem and not even mention her at all and you'd still come off as desperate. All contact = desperate contact at this stage. Contact via e-mail or written note comes off even worse.

 

And then you are going to talk about the breakup? Why the heck would she want to do that? I wouldn't if I was her. She broke up with you to detach from you and from whatever drama your presence in her life brought. Having that discussion right now sounds to her like nails grinding against a chalkboard at high volume.

 

It's a bad move no matter how you spin it. And you are in super-spin mode right now.

[scobro]

I wrote a letter and didn't mail it.....im glad now I didn't but at the time I wanted to so badly

[Panatana90]

My mom has been in hospital this past while and my ex text me a few days saying she was thinking about me and said she hopes my mother is ok. I just said thank you.

She broke up with me about two and a half months ago and this was first contact we've had since then. Should I just take it as a nice gesture?

[d0nnivain]

Yes. You should take it as nice gesture. It's not an overture toward reconciliation.

 

The good news is you pick quality people to date. Even if this did not work out your EX is still a good person. This bodes well for you to meet the next nice person to date.