I think writing an email to my ex is a good idea. Should I do it?

July 12, 2014

My girlfriend of four years broke up with me about a month ago and I was wondering if I should write her a long email outlining all the great times we had and how grateful I am that she was in my life. Here's a little history:

My girlfriend of four years broke up with me out of the blue. We had an amazing relationship (she was my first serious gf and I was her first serious bf). We're both 24.

However, she told me that she had been having doubts for a few weeks about our relationship and didn't feel it was fair to go on. I was stunned. Shocked, I sort of got angry and told her to f**k off. It was just how I felt at the time. She ran after me crying, virtually begging to meet up soon. I just walked away. But I knew the next day I did want to talk to her to find out exactly what the hell was going on. But I didn't contact her, after a day she called me and we decided to meet up the next day.

She looked like she had been crying a lot, and told me she hadn't stopped for two days. I told her that I felt she was giving up on us without a fight. Because, if I'm honest, there were times when I felt we were in a rut and doubted if the spark was still there. But I got through it cos I knew I loved her. I gave her every ounce of love and energy and she did with me also. We helped each other through a lot, went on holidays, revealed everything about each other - and became best friends also.

But when we met, she said the doubts had actually been there for a few months, not weeks, and she couldn't do it any more. That annoyed me, because I would have loved to have known this so we could work at it. But she said I was my usual 'amazing self' and that nothing probably would have eased her doubts. I said, "how do you know? You never told me or tried." She made it clear she was not in love with anyone else and I believe her.

She just seemed very confused and in a bad place, because she's not thrilled with how work is going or her general direction in life. Maybe I'm in denial and in shock but a part of me feels like she's breaking up for all the wrong reasons. She did say a few times also "this could be the biggest mistake I'll ever make."

She did also say she'd like to keep in contact but I don't know if that's a good idea. Being 'friends' rarely works. She said she can't guarantee she won't ever contact me and I said she can do what she likes.

I asked her was she in love with me any more, and she said no. That was like a knife right in the heart, but I was half prepared to hear that.

We had one last (passionate) kiss and hug when she left and that was it.

Right now, a big part of me feels like there's still something there.

It has been a month of NC. I had been doing and feeling great for a while then all of a sudden, I started thinking of her and aching to have her back, which I'm sure is natural.

I have even been on a few dates with another girl I've met, who I think is really nice and we get along great and have a lot in common.... but I want to take that very slowly and not jump into something too soon.

I guess I'm not sure what I want to achieve with such an email. I suppose a large part of me just wants to know how she's doing. Is she moving on, is she missing me, does she think about me? etc

I know I could do it in such a way that would really pull on the heart strings, but I have been advised by friends not to do it as it looks needy and IF anyone is ever going to make a first move, it must be her.

Does anyone have any thoughts/advice? I've wrote something similar to this before, but now I have actually wrote the email but haven't sent it. Is it all too soon?

July 12, 2014

I asked her was she in love with me any more, and she said no.

Right now, a big part of me feels like there's still something there.

I asked her was she in love with me any more, and she said no.

Right now, a big part of me feels like there's still something there.

I guess I'm not sure what I want to achieve with such an email. I suppose a large part of me just wants to know how she's doing. Is she moving on, is she missing me, does she think about me? etc

How can something be there if she doesn't love you because she gave you a kiss and a hug?

You just want to know what she is up to and thinking and you really need to just do no contact and let her go.Why would you want be with someone who doesn't love you??

July 12, 2014

I"ll say do your research on this board and see how many has successfully win over an ex with an email.

July 12, 2014

I"ll say do your research on this board and see how many has successfully win over an ex with an email.

Big Fat Zero!!

July 12, 2014

Never waste your words on those people in your life who only deserve your silence. Because sometimes, the greatest show of strength is to say nothing at all.

You say it best, when you say nothing at all.

July 12, 2014

You say it best, when you say nothing at all.

I"m quite sure I heard you mention that on another post. And that just shows that everyone is going through the same internal turmoil.

My ex gave me zero crumbs and zero contact when he broke up with me. After 3 months of hoping, I now took it as zero chance. What he want is very obvious to me now though I didn't see it at all during my haze.

OP, writing the email will only serve to convince yourself that there's a chance. But it won't convince her. Let her make up her own mind.

July 12, 2014

Please please please do not send her an email or write a letter. I can speak from my current experience that I am in and it's similar to yours, but my ex girlfriend even told me she loved me more and more at the break up. I sent an email after 1 month and regretted it so much I ended up sending a letter later on and it hasn't help. The email was my biggest learning experience and I would never ever do it again, especially so soon, if ever. It achieves nothing and you are never in a clear head after only one month, never. When I went the first month of not initiating contact I was in control with her contacting me and then my email blew it. People on here are 100% right if they tell you to write it out and send it to a good friend or just write it and then read it over and over and then delete it. I wish I had come on here beforehand. I think if you write and send it to a good friend, it might give you the sense by just sending it that you have achieved what you want, to get things off your chest. Again, please do not send an email or think about writing a letter and sending it to her. Do not even think about just being friends. That's something that might come many months down the road once romantic feelings have passed. I feel for you. I'm still not in a great place as well and it's month #3 since break up, but never more than 3 weeks of no contact.

July 12, 2014

as therapy for me I wrote a 6 page letter and never mailed it.Best relief I got in a long time just don't mail the letter write everything down it will give you a good perspective of your situation

July 12, 2014

Always a terrible, terrible idea. Pretty much one of the most fundamental mistakes one can make.

July 12, 2014

No, no and no.

She just feels sorry for you and you push her further away.

July 12, 2014

Always a terrible, terrible idea. Pretty much one of the most fundamental mistakes one can make.

Yup, it's breakup 101 not to send a letter. Just always an awful idea. I think there should be a thread pinned about the most common mistakes people make after breakups, and this is one.

July 12, 2014

I was reflecting on how I would react if my ex was to contact me. I was also reflecting on what I would show him if we were to meet. Anyway.. a letter is a bad idea, because what you want to show her is confidence and independence.

You send that letter, you might as well get on your knees. How attractive is that..

Most people sending this letter will say "oh, I just wanted to make my peace", or "I don't care about her/him, just want closure". etc etc.. it's all bs. It's just begging and hoping the ex will be back.

The BEST thing you can do to win an ex back simply is living your life. It's a simple concept, however a lot of people have a hard time putting it in place.

Don't wait for an ex. Don't put your life on hold. When you feel anxious, if you do feel anxious, here is a trick I do. I tell myself "I just don't know". I just don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I just don't know if I will meet someone else, or not. If I don't know, what's the point of stressing?

I do know that.. I made new friends... I exercise.. I am successful in my studies, etc.. the good stuff.

It works great for me.

July 16, 2014

She just seemed very confused and in a bad place, because she's not thrilled with how work is going or her general direction in life. Maybe I'm in denial and in shock but a part of me feels like she's breaking up for all the wrong reasons.

She broke up because she doesn't feel the same way anymore.

She did say a few times also "this could be the biggest mistake I'll ever make."

Straight off the dumper's handbook. Most times said out of politeness and to try and validate you to alleviate feeling rejected.

She did also say she'd like to keep in contact but I don't know if that's a good idea. Being 'friends' rarely works. She said she can't guarantee she won't ever contact me and I said she can do what she likes.

Selfish.

I asked her was she in love with me any more, and she said no.

When someone tells you what you don't want to hear, believe them.

Do not break NC. Block her. Self-preservation is your priority.

Edited July 16, 2014 by Zahara

July 16, 2014

Writing it all down as a catharsis to get it out of your system is a wonderful idea. You should get some healing from that.

Sending it to her is a bad idea. Don't do that.

July 17, 2014

Ex-gf (together 4 years) texted me yesterday to say she was thinking about me and a family member who is sick. We haven't had any contact in around 5 weeks since we broke up. She broke up with me.

I thanked her and asked her how she was. She said she's ok, but trying to keep busy. I said I was doing the same and if she would be willing to have a brief conversation some time soon I would like to have one. If not, I understand. She replied saying she was sorry, but doesn't feel she could hold a conversation with me yet. Does this mean she's struggling to get over me?

July 17, 2014

First, she didn't break NC--you did. You CHOSE to read the text and respond. Whatsmore, you went beyond replying to her questions to attempting to maneuver her into meeting up with you. She broke up with you. If she wanted you back, she's perfectly capable of saying so.

To answer your question, NO, she's not struggling, but you proved to her that you are. She got what she wanted--the ego boost of knowing that you are still pining away for her. She doesn't want to see you because she doesn't want you back. She's like a fisherman that catches fish just to throw them back.

Remember, the point of NC is for YOU to get over her and move on, not to prove anything to her. Responding to her, interacting with her, checking up on her, or focusing on her in any way will only hold you back.

July 17, 2014

her contact means nothing, it was a breadcrumb designed to ease her guilt, which you did when you responded.

you should have just ignored it, or sent her a text saying "under no circumstances contact me unless it is about us getting back together"

July 17, 2014

First, she didn't break NC--you did. You CHOSE to read the text and respond. Whatsmore, you went beyond replying to her questions to attempting to maneuver her into meeting up with you. She broke up with you. If she wanted you back, she's perfectly capable of saying so.

To answer your question, NO, she's not struggling, but you proved to her that you are. She got what she wanted--the ego boost of knowing that you are still pining away for her. She doesn't want to see you because she doesn't want you back. She's like a fisherman that catches fish just to throw them back.

Remember, the point of NC is for YOU to get over her and move on, not to prove anything to her. Responding to her, interacting with her, checking up on her, or focusing on her in any way will only hold you back.

I disagree here. I think in this case, it was polite to respond but just a "thank you" would have sufficed. It's not your JOB to keep the conversation going or try to arrange a meet up/conversation or whatever. My thought is this... After a break up your ex becomes a distant acquaintance and you have to treat them as such. That means no initiating anything but acting polite if they contact you. And don't try to engage them either. If anything, disengage. If they want to keep talking, they will bring something up/find a way. However if contact with your ex is really driving you cuckoo then maybe it is important to follow some of the more extreme advice your getting here. Block their number, change yours, block them on Facebook and send their emails to spam. Move on and keep looking ahead. Good luck!

July 17, 2014

She declined the conversation because she knows you are going to bring up emotional talk. She has told you that she does not feel the same way about you anymore. She doesn't want to to keep going down that uncomfortable road with you.

Why do you keep pushing it? If you can't handle contact without bringing up the past, tell her you cannot deal with it and that you need to heal and have no contact with her.

July 17, 2014

Ex-gf (together 4 years) texted me yesterday to say she was thinking about me and a family member who is sick. We haven't had any contact in around 5 weeks since we broke up. She broke up with me.

I thanked her and asked her how she was. She said she's ok, but trying to keep busy. I said I was doing the same and if she would be willing to have a brief conversation some time soon I would like to have one. If not, I understand. She replied saying she was sorry, but doesn't feel she could hold a conversation with me yet. Does this mean she's struggling to get over me?

Sounds like she wanted to avoid the inevitable awkwardness that comes from those type of conversations. I think she's more concerned about dealing with your struggling than she is struggling herself.

July 17, 2014

i wrote to my first love. over and over and over again, YEARS. YEARS!!!!!!

we did get back together.

for a bit.

but it wasn't the same. and we are not together now.

July 17, 2014

Does this mean she's struggling to get over me?

No, it means she doesn't want to deal with your own struggles. She texted, and she found you still mopping around.

Exes may or may not get back together. When they do, a significant amount of time has passed. The feelings aren't so raw, and they have moved on in such a way that attraction can build up again.

July 18, 2014

No, she's not struggling to get over you. You're struggling to get over her. In my experience, you get one shot to get back with somebody, and if it doesn't work, you're done.

This is too soon. You need to disengage until you can think of reasons you want to be with her, but not NEED to be with her. If you still love her after you've gotten over it, then you can start planning that conversation. But that will take a while, probably a couple of years or more.

July 18, 2014

The amount of negativity here is mind-boggling. I suppose, given the fact that you don't know either of us, it's understandable.

However, I will say in the three texts sent (and remember, I didn't text first) I never once sounded 'needy'. I was civil, simply asked if she would like a brief chat and if not, I understood. Not if that's moaping, then I'm confused.

My first reaction, and that of others I've asked, is if she can't hold a conversation - then she's still too emotional to talk to me as she herself has found the entire situation extremely difficult to deal with.

July 18, 2014

It comes off as negativity because you're in deep denial. You're in an emotional fog and you can't see things for what they are and as straightforward as she had been to to you, you're the only one that can't grasp it for what it is.

You can be civil but she's smart enough to know that YOU are emotional and needing a brief chat to bring up emotional talk about the relationship.

You project your value of the relationship and your emotions on her. Stop. Just because you're struggling it doesn't mean she is. She's been very clear that she doesn't feel the same way about you anymore. When someone tells you want you don't want to hear, listen and believe them.

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I think writing an email to my ex is a good idea. Should I do it?

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