soifnaegvbaoeaiegoaobgaiou Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 We're done. I know we are. There is NOTHING I can do about it. Already fully submerged in NC waters, surrounding myself with my friends, my previous ex (Who I now feel nothing for, and can finally hang casually with), and throwing myself heavily into old hobbies I neglected after my breakup, and hobbies that I always wanted to pick up again. (And getting to spend money on myself is always a positive boost.) I don't expect her to come back, I'm not waiting for her to come back. I do WANT her to come back. Not now, of course, but later, once there's been some time. But , even if that does happen, second chances are earned, not given. I refuse to simply let this happen again. I honestly believe we could get married, and be happy together, but I could have that with someone else out there too. She needs to prove that things are different. But she won't come back. I just feel like I need to know what would happen if she did. The part that destroys me is how stupid and petty the reasons we're separated are. One stupid comment , one fight, and suddenly we're irreparable? In hindsight I could have taken a few different approaches. I could have A. Handled the situation a bit better and very well avoided the breakup in the first place. B. Stuck to my guns the moment you said we were through, and dived into NC right then and there. C. Handled the nebulous post-breakup contacts much differently, focusing on repairing the damage instead of being a passive observer and hoping you'd come to me. The way I conducted myself through the aftermath had a negative effect on our possibility of reconciliation , in my opinion. I bounced between "I want to work things out, I love you. " to "....." (Silence), and back again, and all the neutral in-between. But that shouldn't have mattered. When I think back to our entire 6-month relationship, I do not have a single negative memory. I've tried, trust me. There are none. We got along extremely well, we were extremely compatible, we had so many things in common it made my head spin. We had so much fun together! The only bad memories are the breakup, and after the breakup. I mean it when I say I'm not just remembering the good. We had maybe 2 "fights", and they were so incredibly inconsequential. They happened months before this incident. The weeks and days and even minutes leading up to the deadly comment were wonderful, and had no indication whatsoever of anything negative to come. The reaction from the comment was unexpected, but the behavior wasn't atypical of me making an exceptionally boneheaded comment. Back before we dated this caused her to cut one night short, but nothing severe. Apologizing on the spot did nothing, so I proceeded to give her 2 days of space to cool off. But it turned into an argument, and when it proceeded to extend into the next day, she dropped the hammer when I asked if she wanted to stay with me or not. She said no. So I did what I was trained to do, and began to set up the process to go NC. As soon as I suggested it, I immediately received "You never loved me did you." "I meant nothing to you. " All I ever wanted was to stop arguing. I tried to fix it. No success. On the very few occasions we met after the breakup official, she was incredibly affectionate. No kisses, or anything further, but the way she would look at me, hold me, and nuzzle me ever so slightly gave me confidence that we could get back to our promised land. However, her phone persona was quite different. She said she cared about me but couldn't be in a relationship with me until I grew up. She said she was annoyed by the "shady **** I was doing on Facebook" at that time. An app had added random people to my friends list for some stupid game I didn't play. I assumed she saw that some of them were females and assumed I was trying to get with them. That was untrue, I only wanted her. Trying to reach her became a difficult affair, days where I'd receive no contact from her, other days where we could easily carry on a conversation, and even days when she was the romantic, sending pictures of us together, and bringing up cherished memories. When I was frustrated by the walls she put up, she told me "You'd better relax, before I lose it. I'm still upset about the whole thing. " And I'm not? I don't even want to be here. I want to be good again. At the last contact, I resolved myself to speak to her, and see this though, she only put friendship on the table. Blindsided. I sent flowers. She loved them. She told me they were too late, timing is powerful in a gesture. As much as she wanted things to change in that moment she said couldn't bring herself to do so. Why? According the information I found out, she began a relationship with another on that same day. A family friend, making him familiar, and my polar opposite. Perfect rebound material. It took 2 months of us spending time together before she wanted us to be in a relationship, and now she's happily letting him put up pictures of them together all over his Facebook? (I found out through a tragic accident. She doesn't have Facebook, and when was bouncing around through different profiles one morning out of boredom, her face caught my eye, on the picture of some guy I've never even heard of and don't know. That's how I found out. I blocked the page instantly. They've only been together since the end of June, we separated late May ) I poured my questions, thoughts, and goodbyes into an email. Catharsis. I didn't expect a response. I didn't want a response. I got a response. She told me she never spoke to him when we were together, I believe her even now. She's not the type. She said she told him she loved me, she missed me, and was still attracted to me. Her response made her seem a victim. How? I tried to repair things. She ran off with another after one month. She's gone now. But I don't understand it, and it plays in my mind on repeat. Especially now, at work, when I'm alone. She said she loved me, she wanted us to get married. I cannot reiterate enough when I say that we did NOT have any issues that would have caused a break up. They weren't there. Poor choice of words, and poor timing. 2 of her other exes, abusive and controlling, spent multiple years with her. And yet, here I am, the most compatible person she's ever been with, a relationship that has no issues at ALL, her actively bringing up our future...and that's it? "You were exactly the guy I was looking for when I put my personal out there." I'm still the same guy. Nothing is different. It doesn't make sense. Our breakup does not fit our relationship. One comment, and an argument in frustration does not end relationships like these. Maybe one with constant fighting, or infidelity, or compatibility issues, but we didn't have that! I believe this is GIGS. We weren't immediately planning a big change, but she often talked about us moving in together near the end of the year. It explains the lack of substance in our breakup, and the rebound guy. I lied at the top. I do expect her to come back. After they fight, once the new-relationship-smell wears off. Every time she wants to talk about her work, and then realizes that he isn't me, he doesn't work in the same field, and doesn't know what she's talking about, like I would. Every time he says something I'd never say, or does something that I'd never do. Reminders are everywhere. The cards she bought for the game I taught her to play, that she continued buying cards for weeks after we separated, even after I told her "If you keep shutting out the only person you play with, it doesn't behoove spending that money on the hobby." She won't come back and I know she won't. I hope she will. I love her. If she loved me in the manner she said she did, this stupid petty reason should NOT keep us apart. I don't know if she's just one of those people that sabotages themselves whenever they might be happy or what. Any insight as to the mindset, or reasons? Better I ask you guys than her.
I am Bud Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 Dear spiritseekerpsp What I found peculiar about your story is how very much fractured her behaviour has been through the last few months of your relationship. I have a suspicion that she has not been entirely open in regards to her feelings towards you. Breakups are normally not caused by one or two isolated incidents, they require a sustained effort of resentment to be build up over time until it reaches a point that it blows up like a volcano. Nobody breaks up a serious relationship at the drop of a dime over petty things because people have too much vested interests to part ways with it so easily. The story that you paint is very much different from how she saw it and it was evident when she said: "You never loved me did you." "I meant nothing to you. " All I ever wanted was to stop arguing. If from your perspective your relationship was travelling along fine then why would she presume to say that "All I ever wanted was to stop arguing?" If we take what you say as truth then this sentence would indicate that the magnitude of your fallouts affected her much more than she let you to believe. It is uncertain whether what she has experienced at the hands of her 2 previous abusive exes had anything to do with it but you don't come out of such relationships without some type of emotional scaring. People who have been in abusive relationships have been in constant states of flight and the only way that they don't leave the relationship is that they have tremendous internal dialogues within themselves that takes the ownership of their partners bad behaviour into something that they can fix themselves. If I did that, he wouldn't be like this etc. This is not to say that you were a bad partner but is just to reflect that had she started dialoguing to herself the times that you did argue then you might never have know about it from looking at her from the surface. She might have been angry on many occasions but never told you about it because of old survival habits. No person can drop a relationship one day and pick up another one the next unless they have an extreme volatile and unbalanced personality. Her actions reflect that of someone in flight and building up a wall to forget the past. Could she have broken it off with you because she felt frightened as things between you started getting serious maybe?! As much as you are hurting right now you will see that in the long run that you are better of without her. You do not want someone who is not able to accept you for who you are, silly comments and all. If she is ready to call it quits on things that are inconsequential then you will be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life and that is no way to live for anybody. No matter who you are with, do not sacrifice your hobbies and your interests. A loving relationship has plenty of room for all of your interests, faults and comments. All the best - Bud.
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