Awkward situation at work

[zhaulk]

So I have been doing a lot better in terms of coping with the break up. It's been about 3 months, 1 month NC, and I've been going to the gym everyday.

 

The only problem is that we work together 3 days a week. I'm a server at a restaurant, and so is she. I pretty much talk to the managers, and they've been cool about it, they always put me in a section on the opposite side of the restaurant (usually cocktail). So it hasn't been a huge issue, although obviously it hurts to see her sometimes, but it's not that bad.

 

One problem that I do have, is that at least once per weekend, she attempts to make small talk with me, and it really bothers me. I usually do my best to take a path in which she won't be, and she realizes this, but still tries to say things like: How are you doing?

 

I'm at a place where I want her to be happy, and I wish her the best, but have no intention of knowing anything about her, or hearing from her at all. Today however, it was particularly slow at work, so I tried to get someone to close for me so that I could go home early. No one wanted to close for me, oh well. Keep in mind I never said a word to her.

 

So a little later, I pass by her on the way to one of my tables, and she says: "Ah, couldn't get anyone to close for you?" (in a really friendly, polite manner). I just pretended that I didn't hear her, and walked on by. Deep down, however, it bothered me that she said anything to me. I'm hoping that she will just leave me alone, and I am not going to say anything to her.

 

But it really bothers me..it's like she has this pity for me, and she thinks she is dong me a favor by talking to me. It really grates on my nerves, because I am doing the best that I can, yet here she is, reminding me that she exists. Do you think she will get the message? I've started looking for other jobs, because just the small things she says to me, gets on my nerves.

[sugarlove]

Unfortunately, it'll be hard to say if she'll get the message, bearing in mind that most dumpers won't go out of their way to hurt you especially if the breakup was done in a fairly decent way.

 

It's a shame that these things happen but I think she was hoping that there won't be any bad blood between you two and hope to work out a better working relationship.

 

By you ignoring her, you are showing that you are bitter about things still and it'll be awkward for everyone at work. I'll say be a bigger man and try not to sulk about it too much, show generosity and maturity to reply and be polite.

[zhaulk]

I thank you for replying, but I don't think that's really a fair way to look at it. After all, it's easy to be that way when you are the dumper. Being co workers is simply that, we work together. There is no required communication. No need for small talk. That's professional.

 

It is not professional to go out of your way to speak to someone, who you hurt, someone you know doesn't want to speak to you. You know? It's not me being bitter, it's me trying to heal. Talking to the very person who dumped me will do nothing for my recovery...and she knows that.

 

If i were being bitter, I would go out of my way to spread negative things about her. I can't just talk to her about ''work'' and all of that stuff when really other things are on my mind. It's completely unfair on her part to speak to me at all. I'm being the bigger person by taking this break up for what it is, moving on, and letting go. I can't do that if I have to speak to her every weekend.

[sugarlove]

Alright.. if thats the case, you need to let her know how you feel. You can't assume she knows that talking to you is uncomfortable for you.

 

Just let her know that you'll appreciate unless there is a fire in the shop, not to talk to you about any other things except work. by that only instructional or directional things. No small talk as you don't want to be distracted by all that nonsensical stuff.

 

Let her know.

[zhaulk]

Ugh I just dread that kind of stuff. You know what I mean? It actually stresses me out to have a conversation with her. The thing is though..about a month ago, (and I should have put this in the original post, sorry) I told her I didn't want to talk at work and it wasn't good for me. She understood and for a few weeks she didn't talk to me. But she has started to again.

 

I guess you are right though. I'm going to try just getting through it without talking to her, but if she does speak to me again, I think I'm going to very politely tell her what you said..

[sugarlove]

If it's so hard, just text her or slip her a note. Just get your point across again and let her know you mean business.

[music_and_poetry]

So I have been doing a lot better in terms of coping with the break up. It's been about 3 months, 1 month NC, and I've been going to the gym everyday.

 

The only problem is that we work together 3 days a week. I'm a server at a restaurant, and so is she. I pretty much talk to the managers, and they've been cool about it, they always put me in a section on the opposite side of the restaurant (usually cocktail). So it hasn't been a huge issue, although obviously it hurts to see her sometimes, but it's not that bad.

 

One problem that I do have, is that at least once per weekend, she attempts to make small talk with me, and it really bothers me. I usually do my best to take a path in which she won't be, and she realizes this, but still tries to say things like: How are you doing?

 

I'm at a place where I want her to be happy, and I wish her the best, but have no intention of knowing anything about her, or hearing from her at all. Today however, it was particularly slow at work, so I tried to get someone to close for me so that I could go home early. No one wanted to close for me, oh well. Keep in mind I never said a word to her.

 

So a little later, I pass by her on the way to one of my tables, and she says: "Ah, couldn't get anyone to close for you?" (in a really friendly, polite manner). I just pretended that I didn't hear her, and walked on by. Deep down, however, it bothered me that she said anything to me. I'm hoping that she will just leave me alone, and I am not going to say anything to her.

 

But it really bothers me..it's like she has this pity for me, and she thinks she is dong me a favor by talking to me. It really grates on my nerves, because I am doing the best that I can, yet here she is, reminding me that she exists. Do you think she will get the message? I've started looking for other jobs, because just the small things she says to me, gets on my nerves.

 

Though this is not my current situation, it has been mine before in the past. In my case I worked in a restaurant as a hostess/catering manager 6 days a week with a manager that I eventually dated for roughly 4 months. We saw each other almost daily and you can imagine how things escalated. I honestly think we got sick of each other. Plus there was the added pressure of downplaying the relationship to keep is a secret from our co-workers. He wound up calling it off and he was actually the one to act immaturely afterwards. I tried to be professional and polite to him (he was still my boss) and in turn he abused his authority and bad talked me to other servers, kept me late for no reason, tried to get me in trouble for things I didn't do, insulting me on a daily basis once even making a semi sexist/racist remark to me. In the end it back-fired and he lost his job when he owners witnessed and heard about his behavior around me from others.

 

My best advice is to be distant (as you have been) but treat it like business at all times. You can't avoid her completely, if you need her help to make things go more smoothly such as running food to your table, birthday help, or whatever then don't avoid it just because you have a history. This may be less of an issue for you than it was for me. If they do help you out be sure to thank them. I always thanked my ex/manager for helping me even when he was a total ******* about it. Trust me you'll feel better being the mature one.

 

As for the small talk, if it really bothers you I would politely tell her that you still need some space from her and you'd prefer to keep things business only going forward. She should understand that. Hopefully. In the meantime keep looking for that new job! Try for Cheesecake Factory! Believe it or not I made bank there as a server. You'll be too busy to even think about her!

[zhaulk]

I will talk to her if I have to. I just really don't want to break NC. We didn't actually meet at work, that's the bad part. This whole thing is my fault in the end, because I suggested that she work here after she quit her last job (we had been engaged for about 6 months when that happened..). Working together didn't add stress to our relationship or anything, but it has added stress since the breakup..

 

That's what I try to do, and I admit I do avoid her, not in obvious ways but if I see her somewhere I will go a different route. If I run into her I don't look the other way or anything, and I do like you say, just stay distant. But thank you so much for the advice..I really...don't want to break NC, because I've made so much progress. If I have to, I will. I'm hoping she got the message today.

[zhaulk]

Thanks a lot guys

[OK_computer]

Just keep it professional and interact with her ONLY if it is absolutely necessary. No small talk, which you're doing anyways. But cordial with her if you have to talk, be nonchalant, as if you're not phased by her, but keep it distant like she knows you're not feeling talking to her. Eventually she'll get the hint.

 

But don't let her sympathy convert to hatred, though you're in NC, and you don't care about how she feels. If she tries to mess with you at work life, eg. messing with employees/manager, talking crap about you etc, that's gonna make you're work a nightmare. Dont talk to her, but don't escalate it. Be mature about seeing her so she knows to keep her distance but doesn't hate you either.

 

Thats all im saying. Personal experience im in classes with my ex and i ended it hard, now i see her everyday and she just talks **** about me to her freinds. I don't care, but it builds a less productive environment. Keep it cool

 

thanks and good luck

[Hoosfoos]

Ugh. Work relationships. So easy to get caught up in, but so hard to deal with the aftermath. I got messed up in a lot of bad situations due to hooking up with girls I worked with, it never ended well. If I were you I would really try to avoid that dynamic, it brings on nothing but awkwardness and frustration. It took me a long time to figure out to NOT fish from the company pier.

[Simon Phoenix]

If it's so hard, just text her or slip her a note. Just get your point across again and let her know you mean business.

 

That's not his job. She should get the hint by now. It's not up to him to have to clear the air in a situation she caused. She just needs to deal with him not talking to her. Unless it's 100 percent necessary for work, it's not his obligation to talk to her and it's not his job to make things smooth.

 

I had a work ex who I absolutely refused to talk to (mostly because she stabbed me in the back) and I was not obligated to tell her what was up and make her life easier. She got the hint and quit and I didn't talk to her until the day she quit because she broke down and profusely asked for my forgiveness. So I said "sure, whatever".

 

But it's really not his job to smooth this over. He needs to do what feels best for him and she needs to show some common sense and take a hint. I seriously doubt she is oblivious to why he's doing what he's doing -- hell, she could ask any co-worker and they'd tell her exactly why he's ignoring her.

 

As for the OP, I'd get a different job ASAP. It's not like waiting tables will be your career -- you can find a similar job at a similar restaurant without these headaches.

[Simon Phoenix]

I will talk to her if I have to. I just really don't want to break NC. We didn't actually meet at work, that's the bad part. This whole thing is my fault in the end, because I suggested that she work here after she quit her last job (we had been engaged for about 6 months when that happened..). Working together didn't add stress to our relationship or anything, but it has added stress since the breakup..

 

That's what I try to do, and I admit I do avoid her, not in obvious ways but if I see her somewhere I will go a different route. If I run into her I don't look the other way or anything, and I do like you say, just stay distant. But thank you so much for the advice..I really...don't want to break NC, because I've made so much progress. If I have to, I will. I'm hoping she got the message today.

 

Unless it's absolutely essential to work, there's no reason for you to talk to her at all. Just keep it up, she'll figure it out.

[zhaulk]

That's how I feel..she chose to end the relationship..but yeah I am indeed looking for a new job. I'm not looking to serve forever anyhow, I have no loyalty to this restaurant.

[zhaulk]

She talked to me again today, asking me if i wanted to clean her section for her, and I said no..and she said "I'll pay you", and I said "I know. I just don't want to do it. Sorry." And I walked off.

 

Pretty annoying...but I haven't spoken to her and I plan on keeping it up.

[irresolute]

Quit the job. There are thousand other restaurants. If you're still tgere it's your decision but not the wisest one.

Why would you want to work in that place? It's like a nightmare ugh

[zen2475]

That's not his job. She should get the hint by now. It's not up to him to have to clear the air in a situation she caused. She just needs to deal with him not talking to her. Unless it's 100 percent necessary for work, it's not his obligation to talk to her and it's not his job to make things smooth.

 

I had a work ex who I absolutely refused to talk to (mostly because she stabbed me in the back) and I was not obligated to tell her what was up and make her life easier. She got the hint and quit and I didn't talk to her until the day she quit because she broke down and profusely asked for my forgiveness. So I said "sure, whatever".

 

But it's really not his job to smooth this over. He needs to do what feels best for him and she needs to show some common sense and take a hint. I seriously doubt she is oblivious to why he's doing what he's doing -- hell, she could ask any co-worker and they'd tell her exactly why he's ignoring her.

 

As for the OP, I'd get a different job ASAP. It's not like waiting tables will be your career -- you can find a similar job at a similar restaurant without these headaches.

 

True, but sometimes you just have to set your own boundaries. We can't assume people will guess what we want or that they will know the right thing to do. Sometimes you just have to tell them. You have to protect yourself.

[BC1980]

She talked to me again today, asking me if i wanted to clean her section for her, and I said no..and she said "I'll pay you", and I said "I know. I just don't want to do it. Sorry." And I walked off.

 

Pretty annoying...but I haven't spoken to her and I plan on keeping it up.

 

Here's what you say next time she starts any small talk. You say you would prefer to keep any interactions only related to business. You don't need to explain yourself to her. You don't need to answer WHY is she asks. You have to be really firm about it once you do that, and don't give an inch.

 

I think you did okay with the above situation, but I wouldn't even give her a reason next time. Don't inject any reasons or emotion into what you say because it gives her a foothold to get in the door. I'd also consider finding another job.

[BC1980]

The thing is though..about a month ago, (and I should have put this in the original post, sorry) I told her I didn't want to talk at work and it wasn't good for me. She understood and for a few weeks she didn't talk to me. But she has started to again.

 

Many people like to test boundaries to see what they can get away with, to see if you were really serious. The only way to get through to them is to reassert the boundary. If it becomes a serious problem, and the person won't stop, you can go to management.

[zhaulk]

Quit the job. There are thousand other restaurants. If you're still tgere it's your decision but not the wisest one.

Why would you want to work in that place? It's like a nightmare ugh

 

I've been trying to find a new job..it's not as easy as you think.

[zhaulk]

She quit today. So I guess problem solved. I have a feeling in my gut that wishes our breakup didnt turn so sour. But I guess that's how it goes, and I guess it doesn't matter. Time to focus on no contact, and healing.