Realising you don't love him/her anymore

[DiaryofEuphoria]

Let me brake this down real quick.

 

I was in a relationship with a man, althought we were in our early twenties, marriage was frequently discussed (we were practically engaged, although without a ring) and we were planning to move in together. When I say "planning" I mean apartment hunting and making inventories of furniture and stuff to see if there was anything we needed to buy.

 

Anyway, slowly we started to drift apart; from both sides. Although I decided to stay with him because on one level I really did love him. I wanted to fight for theis wonderful thing I knew we had together. Unfortunetely, he did not feel the same.

 

So, as the major prick he turned out to be, he broke it of VIA TEXT MESSAGE and became a complete jerk throughout our entire last days together; (I'll not bother you with details, but seriously, a cat about to devour a mouse has treated its prey better than he did with me) and we have not spoken since the day we exchanged left over stuff from our separate apartments.

 

None of this is not really that important. I have been able to cope quite well with all of this. I've gone through some stages of grief and frankly I am quite happy with myself and proud of the fact that I managed to stay away from facebook stalking him. I NCed him like there was no tomorrow and I have developed into a much more confident person than I was to start with.

 

It has now gone, maybe 6 months since the breakup, maybe less. I don't really know. I feel that if I keep a date of when it ended in my head I will obsess over it and prolong my healing. And by God I've become so much better!

 

But this is where I have a small question to you people out there.

 

Not being on facebook that much, I saw his little facebook picture today and realised he'd updated it. First time looking at his profile picture since days after our breakup. And it hurt. Oh, it really hurt! A shot through the heart is the best I can describe the feeling.

 

But then I started thinking and analyse myself and my feelings towards him. And I realised that I sincerely didn't love him anymore. From being my one and only soulmate, it dawned on me that I have no romantic feelings for the man whatsoever! I don't feel any romantic inclination towards him. I feel NOTHING. It's as if a button's been pushed and the vital system shut of. And I have som trouble what to make of that.

 

It feels, at one level, great to come to this conclusion. But at the same time it sort of feels like I haven't given up on him yet either. I have a hard time to explain the feeling. It's more like I definitely don't love him anymore, but I'm still not, in one sense, over him yet.

 

Has anyone of you been in this situation? What do you think I should make of this? Is it just me not being over his betrayal, and not his person? Or is it more of a grief of "what could have been" that still lingers but no grief for the love I had for him?

 

I'd love some input and second opinions on this. Feel free to ask questions about this relationship I had with him if you think some details might be needed for an answer.

 

I'd be immensely grateful.

 

Love, Diary of Euphoria

[StalwartMind]

I think to some extent it is unavoidable, to not have things trigger your memory. Whether it is a good or bad memory depends on the event that made your thoughts go back in time. I don't use Facebook so maybe someone else can answer this better, but how did you end up "seeing his picture"? I assume you can maintain a friend list, if it is like other services, and thus if you remove him, you should not encounter anything related to his profile again?

 

Either way, having gone no contact and then suddenly coming across that, would be pretty emotionally hurting, as it just brings back thoughts you are trying to put behind you.

 

One thing I do know, is that it is incredibly unhealthy to spend much time, (any time at all really), on wondering what could/should/would of been. It's a vicious circle and if you let it, it can completely consume you. I'm sure we've all been guilty of that at some point in our life regardless of the context.

 

It's hard to say exactly what stage you are at but from all you wrote in your post I do believe you have something to be proud of with how far you've come. I know it's easier said than done, but I really do believe that if you surround yourself with positive people, or at the very least stay in a positive environment, you'll mend your heart and mind faster.

 

The way he broke up with you was not very classy, I don't now if one should blame today's overwhelming technological dependency and what it does to a lot of people, but sometimes in me believes that people who resolve to such methods, often didn't really have much to offer anyway. No matter how wonderful you may of had it, and how you treasured it which he obviously didn't feel the same way about, there are people in this world whom very much feel the same way as you and would ignite the passion even more in you.

[Frank13]

Perhaps the conflict is that you don't love him, but your ego is hurt over him breaking up with you. Sometimes what we think is love is actually us wanting to be validated. We want the other person to want us, just so we feel we are worthy of being loved.

[DiaryofEuphoria]

Yes, well, when it comes to the facebook thing; I saw his profile picture in passing while going on to a friends profile. One of the first things I did when the relationship ended was to change settings so that I wouldn't get updates from him, which I knew would only hurt me even more. Also, I promised myself to never look at his page of the same reasons. Which I kept fantastically well! I've barely even struggled with the anxiety of wanting to check up on him! The fact that I happened to come across his profile picture sort of feels like the virtual equivalent to seeing him randomly walk past you in the supermarket for the first time. Which hurts immensely.

 

In my current state of mind the things you've written is something I wholeheartedly agree on. I wouldn't have been able to agree with you in such a fundamental way a few months back. So I feel that it's a sign of progress in that way.

 

I know my feelings for him are over. I don't love him. I've stopped grieving for the man I once loved. Instead, what I think I haven't yet achieved is being able to stop grieving about the loss of "something that could have been".

When we ended things it really felt as if there was another person standing in front of me. He wasn't the man I fell in love with. That man had been replaced by someone new that I couldn't recognize even though they wore the same physical appearance.

 

I think that it is like you said, Frank13, that my ego is the one who is hurt. The "feelings" aren't hurting in me anymore but instead my ego is still baffled over the fact that he just didn't want to continue on.

 

I'm over him, but not his betrayal. The fact that he gave up on his words and broke his vows of love for me in such a terrible way is something I think gave me a chock that I haven't been able to get out of yet. I always thought that I was worthy of more respect than what he showed me in the end. Being treated the same way a player would treat a one night stand has been excruciating.

 

Unfortunately, like you warn me not to do StalwartMind, I do think a lot about that. Quite unhealthily, but it's getting better. Mostly, the thoughts I have about him is revolving around a scenario where he sees me being happy again. It's as if my mind has been putting way too much weight on the "happiness is the best revenge"-thing.

 

Hopefully those thoughts will subside well enough. I really don't want him to occupy my mind as much as he has done. Because if he occupies my mind then that means that my mind still hasn't let go quite well yet even though my heart has let him go.

 

The trouble is trying to break that vicious cycle. Any more ideas on how to break it?

 

Thank you so much for your comments. Much love!

[FredJones80]

How long were you together? Its different breaking up in the first year or two because that is a chemical "in love" feeling that sort of runs out... if it was longer than that then "love" is a choice by actions, close contact, doing loving things, that kind of stuff, more a bond. If you haven't seen him, haven't had close contact etc. then you sort of only love them for the memories, you may never not "love" them but the feelings will lessen, it would be difficult to love them strongly after a period of time.

 

I ask because you say "romantically" - this usually indicates the early infatuation, lust, first few years stage aka Romantic Love.

 

Just a thought...