writteninreverse Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 Hey all, So, as the title suggests, I am in a bit of a pickle here. I'm in my late-20's and just started going out on dates. However, I have absolutely no experience doing this sort of thing. I don't even have any experience doing any physical stuff, and it really pains me to type that our right now, but this is the way it is. Other then this, I have a pretty normal life. I'm a few years into a career, I support myself and live on my own. So it's not like i'm some bum living in my mom's basement or something. I'm about 20 pounds overweight, but not obese or anything like that. However, this thing is really crippling me at the moment. I've been able to arrange first dates with a few people in the last couple of weeks, but i'm terrified of making a move. Honestly, it feels paralyzing and I think I would prefer to just tell the person about this because I don't think I have the composure to just wing it and pretend like everything's normal. Also, this is a pretty important aspect of my life, so to lie about it seems quite unethical. I was thinking about leaving out the detail altogether, but I have to say even this bothers me a-lot. I'm so nervous about it and I think it's really affecting my dates. I can feel the nervousness growing in me during the dates and if I can feel it then for sure they can sense it too. I did actually manage to get to 5 dates with somebody, but they told me they weren't interested in pursuing it further. I'm almost 100% sure this is because I never made a physical move during this time. Anyway, this aspect of the whole process is really getting me down because i'm sure it's preventing me from getting to 2nd dates and beyond. Does anybody have any advice on what to do? and I mean actionable things that I can do (Just saying things like 'be more confident!' doesn't seem to work.). I was thinking of seeing a shrink who deals with this sort of stuff, but I really have no idea what to look for. Thanks for your input. 2
preraph Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 First realize that there is so much variation even among guys who are experienced that no one would know you are not experienced except by your hesitation. And don't tell them. Seriously, there are guys been at it for decades who don't have a clue and ones who just started who are either fun or good or just passionate -- and any of those are good things. Everyone has their own style, their own good and bad points. There's no one right way. Do not ever have a first time with any woman by imitating crap you see in porn films. It's not realistic and is all male-oriented. So if that's what you know, forget it and just go for a nice safe easy missionary the first time. Women are nervous so you shouldn't get any kickback about it. Forget the pressure. Don't try to do everything the first night you kiss either. Just kiss a LOT at first and then make another date. Then you'll feel better and more confident the next date.
Author writteninreverse Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 at least you have your life together, you say you live on your own, are you a homeowner or live in an apartment? rent an apartment, but have some savings in place for the eventual home-buying thing.
kolleamm Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 Dating is like sky diving. You just jump hoping the parachute will save you. Go out on as many dates as possible. Also, get used to seeing yourself and how you look, that's very important because becoming comfortable with yourself builds confidence. A good way to do this is to have a video chat with someone and notice yourself on the cam. Eventually you get used to it and you realize you don't look as bad as you thought. Go on your dates bro.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 Not going to lie, being older and inexperienced is going to hurt you. There's something about inexperience that just turns women off. Now some people are going to dispute this, but you have to look at actions and not words. My advice is to not ever mention inexperience until you are far enough along that the woman you're dating is truly into you and you're in a relationship. 1
Potz4prez Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 Not going to lie, being older and inexperienced is going to hurt you. There's something about inexperience that just turns women off. Now some people are going to dispute this, but you have to look at actions and not words. My advice is to not ever mention inexperience until you are far enough along that the woman you're dating is truly into you and you're in a relationship. Well, duh. They're looking for someone to swoop them off their feet, then rock their world in the bedroom like everyone else. You're not gonna be able to provide that if you're hesitant and/or inexperienced. 1
travelbug1996 Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 You also might wanna get in the gym and focus on improving physically. I think that will help with you confidence. If you get a second date with a woman you gotta go in for the kiss. Its all starts with the kiss and if a man lacks confidence to kiss me.. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 On the job do you shake hands when you meet new people? Get into that habit so you are used to human contact in a sexually neutral environment. Now on a date, rather than shake hands, you are going to hold hands. At the right time, reach out, take your date's hands in yours. Enjoy the feel of your date's warmth & skin. Look into the person's eyes, especially at the end of the date. If there is gazing going on & they lick their lips, tilt your head in & give them a soft kiss. 1
slizl Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Have a few drinks on the date. The liquid courage will do it's job after that.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 I've been with plenty of guys who have all the experience but haven't loved me. They used me and showed off a few " less than wow" skills and left. Those people don't have any experience because they certainly don't know how to love a woman. If you are in a relationship and you haven't had any experience some woman will welcome you with open arms. You'd be more trustworthy, because less experience means something more valuable. I'd likely to orgasm knowing that the guy I'm sleeping with is solely committed to me and not to 100 different woman he has had, could be having or is having even with me. I know I'd go for someone like you! I'd definitely trust you more.
Author writteninreverse Posted July 14, 2014 Author Posted July 14, 2014 Thank you all for the replies, they're very helpful. It's all a rather nerve-racking experience, but it seems like this is one of those things were I have to use my intuition, see if the situation is right and then go for it. Thankfully, my i'm quite good at reading social cues so this shouldn't be an issue. To answer some of your other questions, I actually do work-out regularly (5-6 times a week) and i'm not terrible at physical contact overall (I always open and close my dates with hugs, for example), but something about making that romantic-move is like a psychological block for me at the moment. I don't seem to be having any trouble with online dating, which is good. I've already arranged 3 dates, I have another tonight and 1 more possible one in the future. So getting that first date isn't the issue. It's just knowing what to do once i've gotten there. 1
Author writteninreverse Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 OP, do you state on your online dating profiles that you have your life together? Well, I don't say it exactly like that but I do specify my job and where I want to take my career in the future. Also, my activities + interests indicates that i'm not living paycheck-to-paycheck.
d0nnivain Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Thankfully, my i'm quite good at reading social cues so this shouldn't be an issue. I've already arranged 3 dates, I have another tonight and 1 more possible one in the future. So getting that first date isn't the issue. It's just knowing what to do once i've gotten there. If you are good at reading social cues you should be able to figure out if your date wants a good night kiss. She will gaze into your eyes, possibly lick her lips & lean forward. It sounds dumb but there's a scene from the movie Hitch where Will Smith's character is teaching somebody to close the deal. Watch it. It may help but don't take it as gospel.
Author writteninreverse Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 What type of activities? Because maybe I can learn something from you going to concerts, theater in the park, hiking, smaller museums. I've noticed that hobbies which make you seem active and appreciative of the world are more likely to draw attention then just saying you like drinking with friends or watching movies.
Author writteninreverse Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 Another clue is if she repeatedly looks at your lips, then that means she's either thinking about kissing you or is checking out (and approves) the look of your lips — that is your cue to lean in. Also something that I've been trying recently is looking into the girl's eyes individually, like focusing your eyes on her left then right then left eye just like how you see in the movies. I'm not sure exactly what it's doing but it's giving a positive response. Thanks for the tips (and you too D0nnivain). It just seems like so much to do. It's a bit overwhelming. I'm spending most of my time making sure I don't say something completely stupid that i've ignored stuff like this.
Potz4prez Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Also something that I've been trying recently is looking into the girl's eyes individually, like focusing your eyes on her left then right then left eye just like how you see in the movies. I'm not sure exactly what it's doing but it's giving a positive response. It's less intimidating, while still maintaining positive eye contact. The subtle shift in your eyes breaks eye contact, re-starting the clock. People get anxious about maintained eye contact... this breaks it up into little bits. Never thought to do it... but you can do a triangle. Left eye, right eye, lips, back to left eye. 2
Author writteninreverse Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 How tall are you OP? Because height matters a lot to women obviously pretty average, 5 ft. 8 in.
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I have a tip for you...stop over thinking it. Instead of looking at dates as potential lovers, look at it as just going out with a friend. Going out isn't really about romance, but just getting to know someone. So put away the ''omg should I go for a kiss'' or ''does she like me?'' stuff and just look forward to have good conversations about you job, interests etc and ask them questions about their interest, about their family, trips, etc. The more relaxed, and not so intimidated you will enjoy yourself, and they will enjoy your company. It should start off casual, coffee dates, quick lunch meet ups, etc. Save more formal dates for the second or third date. Just remember not to say anything negative or about your lack of experience. The more dates you go on the more experience you will have, so stop worrying about the physical stuff, you will have plenty of time down the road to work on that. Just go out and have fun.
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 How tall are you OP? Because height matters a lot to women obviously Actually it's confidence and some sense of humor. Yes height does play a part in first attraction BUT what women notice most is how a man carries himself. Women think with their emotions more, rather than go by the physical like men themselves more often prefer. That's women are more like snowflakes, not one is alike. What atributes may seem attractive to one, may not to another.
somedude81 Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 I have a tip for you...stop over thinking it. Instead of looking at dates as potential lovers, look at it as just going out with a friend. Going out isn't really about romance, but just getting to know someone. So put away the ''omg should I go for a kiss'' or ''does she like me?'' stuff and just look forward to have good conversations about you job, interests etc and ask them questions about their interest, about their family, trips, etc. The more relaxed, and not so intimidated you will enjoy yourself, and they will enjoy your company. It should start off casual, coffee dates, quick lunch meet ups, etc. Save more formal dates for the second or third date. Just remember not to say anything negative or about your lack of experience. The more dates you go on the more experience you will have, so stop worrying about the physical stuff, you will have plenty of time down the road to work on that. Just go out and have fun. Problem is, if he approaches a woman like a friend, guess how she'll respond?
Omei Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Not going to lie, being older and inexperienced is going to hurt you. There's something about inexperience that just turns women off. Now some people are going to dispute this, but you have to look at actions and not words. My advice is to not ever mention inexperience until you are far enough along that the woman you're dating is truly into you and you're in a relationship. This is true my last two relationships were with men where I was their first gf.... The bedroom stuff is nothing it can be learned and whoever gets first dibs on a virgin has a golden chance to experience many things before getting that fat no I dont like that. So imo that's a plus. I find that guys who are in their first relationship have lacks of communication, couple moral, and they can be quite selfish, that's what I think women fear most.
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