Author ain5053 Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 If you are planning/hoping to move forward with the move-in, then yes--this is a good way to put it I think. Even if you don't, probably the time has come for this discussion--cause I think it would be hurtful if you just left his question unanswered. I think whoever is ready to say "i love you" first should say it. You can only do you--so if you're ready to say it then why not? Yeah he may or may not "change" that's not really what I meant. I meant that, for lack of a better word, that this courtship period where things are most excited and not as routine--why hurry up to reach a live-in arrangement? Other than the thrill of being chosen like that, i think it's better to having plenty of the fun part first. That said, as you mentioned I know several relationships that have moved in quickly and lasted>>>and of course many that haven't. Statistically it's supposedly not great. Also depends on what your end goal is: if it is to be married, then honestly I would hold back a bit. I don't think his character is an issue--however, he may not be motivated to take next step (proposing in the future) if he has things just as he wants them. Wonder what his 7 year ex-gf would say about that? When he was 20 was a long time ago though so who knows what his live-in status has bearing on for you guys or his character. But perhaps being cheated on is the reason he is being a bit guarded about his feelings and made his offer about practicality rather than love? Ok, good luck! Yes, I believe that his past relationships are causing him to be more guarded with me. I talked to him about the situation and brought up that reasons such as "practicality" and "convenience" aren't serious enough reasons for us to take this step.. that I wanted our relationship to take a step forward, not backwards. He said "Of course those are not reasons I want you to move in..... I genuinely want you to move in with me.. We can get a bigger place if you'd like until I find a house." I am still thinking about the situation. His 7 year gf was long distance for several years, and the last 2 years were on and off. I asked why they never got married and he said it was because she was so busy with med school and they chose to focus on their careers (which is what happened with my past relationship). We work in a very specific and demanding industry, it's hard to maintain relationships or even connect with people unless they are in the same industry. I have never dated anyone I worked with, let alone same industry, and it's an amazing bond that I never shared with anyone else. I don't know if I am looking for marriage... I am still young, and honestly not even sure if I believe in marriage. I want marriage more to appeal to the rest of society, but not sure if I necessarily believe in life-long commitment. I am in love with him and would like to continue what we have now and grow from it. Our relationship is already pretty serious even though we never have said the I love you. I guess it's hard to explain what it's like in writing, but it's nothing like I've ever experienced before... It seems very straight forward and honest. There aren't any "games". It's genuine. I care for him a lot.
Author ain5053 Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 If you are planning/hoping to move forward with the move-in, then yes--this is a good way to put it I think. Even if you don't, probably the time has come for this discussion--cause I think it would be hurtful if you just left his question unanswered. I think whoever is ready to say "i love you" first should say it. You can only do you--so if you're ready to say it then why not? Yeah he may or may not "change" that's not really what I meant. I meant that, for lack of a better word, that this courtship period where things are most excited and not as routine--why hurry up to reach a live-in arrangement? Other than the thrill of being chosen like that, i think it's better to having plenty of the fun part first. That said, as you mentioned I know several relationships that have moved in quickly and lasted>>>and of course many that haven't. Statistically it's supposedly not great. Also depends on what your end goal is: if it is to be married, then honestly I would hold back a bit. I don't think his character is an issue--however, he may not be motivated to take next step (proposing in the future) if he has things just as he wants them. Wonder what his 7 year ex-gf would say about that? When he was 20 was a long time ago though so who knows what his live-in status has bearing on for you guys or his character. But perhaps being cheated on is the reason he is being a bit guarded about his feelings and made his offer about practicality rather than love? Ok, good luck! Yes, I believe that his past relationships are causing him to be more guarded with me. I talked to him about the situation and brought up that reasons such as "practicality" and "convenience" aren't serious enough reasons for us to take this step.. that I wanted our relationship to take a step forward, not backwards. He said "Of course those are not reasons I want you to move in..... I genuinely want you to move in with me.. We can get a bigger place if you'd like until I find a house." I am still thinking about the situation. His 7 year gf was long distance for several years, and the last 2 years were on and off. I asked why they never got married and he said it was because she was so busy with med school and they chose to focus on their careers (which is what happened with my past relationship). We work in a very specific and demanding industry, it's hard to maintain relationships or even connect with people unless they are in the same industry. I have never dated anyone I worked with, let alone same industry, and it's an amazing bond that I never shared with anyone else. I don't know if I am looking for marriage... I am still young, and honestly not even sure if I believe in marriage. I want marriage more to appeal to the rest of society, but not sure if I necessarily believe in life-long commitment. I am in love with him and would like to continue what we have now and grow from it. Our relationship is already pretty serious even though we never have said the I love you. I guess it's hard to explain what it's like in writing, but it's nothing like I've ever experienced before... It seems very straight forward and honest. There aren't any "games". It's genuine and mature. I care for him a lot. And he really understands me.. I have a deep brain.. And he is the first man I can tell I have an intellectual connection with. Someone I can truly express myself to and he understands. 1
Omei Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 (edited) I mean.. the title says it all. We've been dating for 3 months, we work together, and I spend ALL the time outside of work at his place, been practically living there (even though my apartment is just across the street). He asked me to just move in with him "to save money" but I think he just said that so it didn't sound so forward. The problem is that we haven't even said IT yet! Yes, I am in love with him and wouldn't mind living with him as I already have been, and I THINK he feels the same way (I mean if he asks me to move in, I hope he does!). But isn't it a weird situation? Not sure if that means it's time to say ILY? Or if it's just a bad idea overall. Oh I was asking questions about this in your other post Couples living together really makes it clear if you're compatible for the long run or not moving in before I love yous sounds perfectly fine to me. As I said in the other post if you want to say it first wait till after a few months of living together see if there are any changes, and if you still feel the same maybe even more in love then. Don't worry about marriage now. I have a question if you don't believe in long commitment do you see yourself leaving this guy eventually then? even if it was a great relationship? im trying to understand what you mean by that because this is a guy asking you to move in if you're unsure about long commitment I would never tell him you love him. Edited July 17, 2014 by Omei 1
Author ain5053 Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 Oh I was asking questions about this in your other post Couples living together really makes it clear if you're compatible for the long run or not moving in before I love yous sounds perfectly fine to me. As I said in the other post if you want to say it first wait till after a few months of living together see if there are any changes, and if you still feel the same maybe even more in love then. Don't worry about marriage now. I have a question if you don't believe in long commitment do you see yourself leaving this guy eventually then? even if it was a great relationship? im trying to understand what you mean by that because this is a guy asking you to move in if you're unsure about long commitment I would never tell him you love him. No, of course I am not planning on leaving him! I hope this goes on forever... But we, humans, are not programmed to be monogamous. We aren't programmed to stay in love forever. We want to believe it, but in reality it is all imposed by society. Some people are lucky enough to love one person for their entire lives, and that's something we all wish to have. Unfortunately, for that to happen we would need to go against evolution. So, yes, I love him and I will love him for as long as it's there. I do want a family and a companion for life. I just don't believe in eternal love. Hope that makes sense.
pteromom Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 No, of course I am not planning on leaving him! I hope this goes on forever... But we, humans, are not programmed to be monogamous. We aren't programmed to stay in love forever. We want to believe it, but in reality it is all imposed by society. I just don't believe in eternal love. No, what is imposed by society is this notion that you have to remain in "eternal love" with someone throughout your relationship. The honeymoon phase - the butterflies and giddy feelings, the heart leaping lust - is only the first phase of a relationship. It doesn't last long for most couples. Sometimes only a few months; sometimes up to a couple of years. Then people say "Well, I am not in love with this person anymore", when in reality they've moved into another phase of a relationship. The TRUE LOVE phase. Unlike the honeymoon period, true love is based mainly on friendship and respect. There can still be romance and good sex and dating and all that, but it is different. More comfortable and predictable. Stable and steady. The key is looking at that as a good thing, and working through any issues so that you can coexist happily accepting each other, flaws and all. Humans may not be programmed to be monogamous, but being faithful and committed is a choice you make daily. You choose that other person over and over again, and you push aside any potential new and exciting diversions, and before you know it, it has been a lifetime together.
SoleMate Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 But yeah, just to clarify MONEY IS NOT AN ISSUE.. That may be true, but once you live together, it makes it much harder to break up. I wonder if that is what he has in mind. So I think he said it just so it doesn't sound so forward as "Hey, move in with me because I just want you here all the time." But still, the fact that he hasn't said he loves me yet makes me feel as he either doesn't love me but needs me, or that he loves me but is too afraid to admit it... Neither of which is really good... It seems you're at a stage where you aren't really talking together and getting the info you need. So you speculate and ask strangers on the Internet to speculate as well. This means you are NOT ready to be living together. I'm not even referring to whether or not "ILY" has been spoken.
Author ain5053 Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 That may be true, but once you live together, it makes it much harder to break up. I wonder if that is what he has in mind. It seems you're at a stage where you aren't really talking together and getting the info you need. So you speculate and ask strangers on the Internet to speculate as well. This means you are NOT ready to be living together. I'm not even referring to whether or not "ILY" has been spoken. No, we talk, but mostly initiated by ME. He doesn't like to talk about vulnerable topics, or at leas he doesn't like to bring them up. If I bring it up, he talks to me. For example we had a discussion about this matter the same day I posted this and he has convinced me that the reasons he wants me to move in are NOT for practical reasons but because he genuinely wants me to move in with him and because he sees a future with me. You can't blame me for being afraid to first say the L word... Aren't we all nervous in this situation if it concerns somebody that you truly care about? I think it's only natural.. I ask for help on the internet because I speculate whether it is or isn't it natural after all. And it seems that it is so indeed.
Omei Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 No, of course I am not planning on leaving him! I hope this goes on forever... But we, humans, are not programmed to be monogamous. We aren't programmed to stay in love forever. We want to believe it, but in reality it is all imposed by society. Some people are lucky enough to love one person for their entire lives, and that's something we all wish to have. Unfortunately, for that to happen we would need to go against evolution. So, yes, I love him and I will love him for as long as it's there. I do want a family and a companion for life. I just don't believe in eternal love. Hope that makes sense. Yes that makes sense... Move in after a few months on a quite night alone say I Love You=] 1
Omei Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Ps move in with him when you want there's no magical right timing if he likes you and you like him and you're invited in do it up! Just have a backup plan if stuff gos sour like going to your moms. Every relationship moves at different rates my first 5 year and 1 year I lived with them both and then my last relationship 5 year we never lived together at all.
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