ain5053 Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 I mean.. the title says it all. We've been dating for 3 months, we work together, and I spend ALL the time outside of work at his place, been practically living there (even though my apartment is just across the street). He asked me to just move in with him "to save money" but I think he just said that so it didn't sound so forward. The problem is that we haven't even said IT yet! Yes, I am in love with him and wouldn't mind living with him as I already have been, and I THINK he feels the same way (I mean if he asks me to move in, I hope he does!). But isn't it a weird situation? Not sure if that means it's time to say ILY? Or if it's just a bad idea overall.
FitChick Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 He wants to move in to save money on rent. And people say kids today aren't romantic! You need to find things to do without him. Give him time to miss you and also make you less boring. Take a class, learn a skill or sport, learn to cook, volunteer at an animal shelter. Otherwise you will end up like so many women on here years down the line expecting a marriage proposal that never comes. 5
CarrieT Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Three months is WAY TOO early to live with someone. Wait at least twelve months -- all four seasons -- of getting to know someone before you decide co-habitate. You still need your personal space(s) for many months to come. 7
Author ain5053 Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 He wants to move in to save money on rent. And people say kids today aren't romantic! You need to find things to do without him. Give him time to miss you and also make you less boring. Take a class, learn a skill or sport, learn to cook, volunteer at an animal shelter. Otherwise you will end up like so many women on here years down the line expecting a marriage proposal that never comes. Well we both work very long hours, so usually 8 am to 9 pm we are working, go to the gym during lunch, and then we sleep. Not much time to do things. On the weekends we do different fitness activities, and actually the last 3 weekends we spent apart as my friend and our families were visiting.. So I guess to say that we are ALWAYS together is an exaggeration. So that's a NO to moving in?
d0nnivain Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 You move in with somebody you love because you love them not to save money. Don't do it. 4
Author ain5053 Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 I also think it might be too early to move in, but I know many couples that moved in right away and are now engaged or married... So I don't know. "Move in together to save money" I am sure was just an excuse... Money is not really an issue as we have good jobs.
Author ain5053 Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 I tried to edit my original post, but can't... But yeah, just to clarify MONEY IS NOT AN ISSUE.. So I think he said it just so it doesn't sound so forward as "Hey, move in with me because I just want you here all the time." But still, the fact that he hasn't said he loves me yet makes me feel as he either doesn't love me but needs me, or that he loves me but is too afraid to admit it... Neither of which is really good...
jinjin113 Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Well, even if you guys have exchanged "I love you"s, I do agree it's too soon to move in. However, if you guys had been dating say a year and hadn't said I love you to each other, I think you have a good point, there should be some taking it to the next level (being in love....and openly saying it to each other) before moving in. Moving in together is more than just saving money and convenience. It gets really messy to move out sometimes if things don't work out. My good friend went through this where she and her bf were kind of forced to still live together after the broke up due to outside circumstances. Then they had bitter feelings on top of their break up because of deciding who was going to move out, etc etc. I just think that if you're going to take the risk, there should be more commitment there. 2
pteromom Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 I also think it might be too early to move in, but I know many couples that moved in right away and are now engaged or married... Sure... sometimes it works out. But sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes it APPEARS to work out from the outside, but inside the relationship isn't that great. 3 months is WAY too early. You are still in the "honeymoon phase" of your relationship. A year is a good goal for moving in together. Don't move in. And don't spend every free moment together. Keep your friendships, families, hobbies, etc. too. Will make for a much healthier relationship that has space to grow. 3
Thegreatestthing Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 (edited) He probably does think it will save a lot of money since your there all the time anyway,I'm sure he will say it once you move in,I say I love you really soon so it's a bit odd to me,but I'm sure it's less fleeting waiting like this ,who knows.I would move in if I were you. I mean.. the title says it all. We've been dating for 3 months, we work together, and I spend ALL the time outside of work at his place, been practically living there (even though my apartment is just across the street). He asked me to just move in with him "to save money" but I think he just said that so it didn't sound so forward. The problem is that we haven't even said IT yet! Yes, I am in love with him and wouldn't mind living with him as I already have been, and I THINK he feels the same way (I mean if he asks me to move in, I hope he does!). But isn't it a weird situation? Not sure if that means it's time to say ILY? Or if it's just a bad idea overall. Edited July 12, 2014 by Thegreatestthing
Elle1975 Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 I mean.. the title says it all. We've been dating for 3 months, we work together, and I spend ALL the time outside of work at his place, been practically living there (even though my apartment is just across the street). He asked me to just move in with him "to save money" but I think he just said that so it didn't sound so forward. The problem is that we haven't even said IT yet! Yes, I am in love with him and wouldn't mind living with him as I already have been, and I THINK he feels the same way (I mean if he asks me to move in, I hope he does!). But isn't it a weird situation? Not sure if that means it's time to say ILY? Or if it's just a bad idea overall. Have you told him how you feel? I would start with that. See what he answers, take it from there. Someone has to say it first. I agree that 12 months seems better than 3. Since money isn't an issue, what's the rush? 1
Versacehottie Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 so i guess the talk you had with him went pretty well. congrats for that. here's the thing. I do know a few situations that worked out by moving in under the pretense of convenience and relatively new romance. However, if i were in your shoes, I wouldn't. Spend many/even every night over there but two things: *I would want someone to at least admit that their feelings for me are so strong that's why they are asking. Not for practicality AT ALL. Value yourself enough to get that declaration from him. He sounds like a good guy so far but a relationship is fluid--make sure he treats you like the prize you are or you will lose value in his eyes over time. *The other reason is that this beginning time you will never get back. It can be the cement that keeps you together and reminds you why you fell in love in first place many years down the road. Why rush it by domesticating your experience together right away? Typically guys give you their best in first months of relationship when they are dating you. If you jump to moving together, it's like your hurrying up to the part where they get a bit lazy about making sure you are happy (which consequently has them fall more in love with you). So rushing it very often is a recipe for them taking you for granted and not appreciating you. Then it becomes a pressure cooker in that apartment. I realize sometimes taking a leap of faith is the best thing for a relationship. But in this case, you don't lose anything if you each stay in your own apartments--you will continue to date and get closer. You risk a lot if you move in with each other--maybe your whole relationship. The reason he gave wouldn't be good enough for me. You sound like you have a good thing going with him so far. I would just sit back and enjoy it. 1
Author ain5053 Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 so i guess the talk you had with him went pretty well. congrats for that. here's the thing. I do know a few situations that worked out by moving in under the pretense of convenience and relatively new romance. However, if i were in your shoes, I wouldn't. Spend many/even every night over there but two things: *I would want someone to at least admit that their feelings for me are so strong that's why they are asking. Not for practicality AT ALL. Value yourself enough to get that declaration from him. He sounds like a good guy so far but a relationship is fluid--make sure he treats you like the prize you are or you will lose value in his eyes over time. *The other reason is that this beginning time you will never get back. It can be the cement that keeps you together and reminds you why you fell in love in first place many years down the road. Why rush it by domesticating your experience together right away? Typically guys give you their best in first months of relationship when they are dating you. If you jump to moving together, it's like your hurrying up to the part where they get a bit lazy about making sure you are happy (which consequently has them fall more in love with you). So rushing it very often is a recipe for them taking you for granted and not appreciating you. Then it becomes a pressure cooker in that apartment. I realize sometimes taking a leap of faith is the best thing for a relationship. But in this case, you don't lose anything if you each stay in your own apartments--you will continue to date and get closer. You risk a lot if you move in with each other--maybe your whole relationship. The reason he gave wouldn't be good enough for me. You sound like you have a good thing going with him so far. I would just sit back and enjoy it. I don't think he is the type that would change after moving in, after all, we started as co-worker buddies, and even now when we are at work we act like "buddies" with all of our other work guy friends (his friends are now our mutual friends).. So I see every side of him. I see how he is at work, with his buddies, and on his own.. He is an independent man and I am an independent woman, we just work very well together and manage to get all of our own things done around each other. I feel like our relationship is at a level where it would be literally strange if one night I decided to let's say stay at my place for whatever reason. It's almost a given that we already live together, whether that's a good or a bad thing.. The funny thing is that his best friend moved in with his now fiance only 2 weeks or so after meeting her (2 years ago), and our other friend from work moved in with a girl he met ONLINE 1 week later, she moved across country for him, and that was 9 years ago... And my guy told me these stories as if he was making fun of them, saying how ridiculous those impulse decisions were even though they worked out. And now he is doing the same thing, very ironic.. Should I tell him I love him first? I would, but I am scared which is natural.. There's got to be a reason he hasn't told me yet. We are both very straight forward people and when the time is right it will come out.. I guess we just haven't had that moment yet. Our lives are fast forwarded with so much work or hobbies we both have. To those that said I need to spend more time with friends and family.. I just moved here 6 months ago across country for this job. Happened to meet HIM, he is my supervisor at my job. All my friends here are from work and are essentially HIS friends, but now OUR friends from work... Our job requires a lot of our time and commitment, so our lives are pretty much centered around it. We don't get out much. And I don't have much interest in meeting people outside as I am very particular... I have always preferred to stick with that 1 person whether it is my boyfriend or my best friend, us 2 against the world mentality. Not that I am not a friendly person, quite the opposite actually. I love people and socializing. But in the end of the day I want to come home to my other half and just talk about the amazing day I have had and the people I got to meet. So should I demand a declaration from him about his feelings, should I confront him for asking me to move in for practicality reasons and not because he is genuinely in love with me?
Author ain5053 Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 Also, we both have lived with our significant others in the past.. I only lived with my one boyfriend. He lived with several of his ex girlfriends. He told me a story where he moved across country to be with one of his first girlfriends when he was 20 years old when she moved there for a job and in the end she cheated on him and he moved back... What do you think about his character based on this story? I know that was 14 years ago..... But could it still mean that he is a gullible, trusting person who falls in love fast and goes to crazy measures for the one he loves?.. or that he was just an irresponsible kid at the time? He dated a girl for 7 years after and a couple girls in between, and for some reason has been cheated on by most of them. I find that very surprising, and also weird that he would ask me to move in with him after being hurt so many times in the past.
Gaeta Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 So should I demand a declaration from him about his feelings, should I confront him for asking me to move in for practicality reasons and not because he is genuinely in love with me? You don't demand or confront in a relationship. You express your feelings, express out loud what you're thinking, your wants and needs, and listen to what the other person says. Talk about yourself, let him talk about himself. Tell him you want to move in with a man that will be crazy in love with you as much as you are in love with him.............and listen what he has to say. 1
Author ain5053 Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 You don't demand or confront in a relationship. You express your feelings, express out loud what you're thinking, your wants and needs, and listen to what the other person says. Talk about yourself, let him talk about himself. Tell him you want to move in with a man that will be crazy in love with you as much as you are in love with him.............and listen what he has to say. I am planning on saying something like: "I thought about what you asked me yesterday.. Honestly, I enjoy spending every minute with you and wouldn't think that moving in would be a problem, but in my opinion, moving in because of the reasons of "practicality" and "convenience" are not very practical. If we move in together, I want it to be because we both are ready to take our relationship to that next step. Moving in requires serious feelings and commitment, neither of which we have really talked about..." 1
JungleLover Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 I am planning on saying something like: "I thought about what you asked me yesterday.. Honestly, I enjoy spending every minute with you and wouldn't think that moving in would be a problem, but in my opinion, moving in because of the reasons of "practicality" and "convenience" are not very practical. If we move in together, I want it to be because we both are ready to take our relationship to that next step. Moving in requires serious feelings and commitment, neither of which we have really talked about..." And even after saying this, no way would I move in. It is just too soon. Often in these situations you hear the argument "but it's like we already live together" but the factor of having your own home to retreat to, if needed, is often greatly underestimated. You having your own apartment across the street is helping you to get along well in this 3 month relationship. If you take it away, much more pressure is applied to the situation. Been there, done it... 2
Gaeta Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 (edited) To me someone wanting to move in after 3 months is just an opportunist. I believe this guy when he says it's to save money. You don't need to be dirt poor to want to save money. This guy is seeing an additional $500 per month in his pocket. Whether he makes 25k or 50k per year is irrelevant. He told you why he wanted to move in with you, believe him. ETA: Just tell him that you'd love to move in with him, and you'll start looking for a bigger apartment, maybe rent a house, because with both your salary you can afford a nice big apartment with a little more luxury, then look at him crawl his way out of it. Edited July 12, 2014 by Gaeta 1
Author ain5053 Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 To me someone wanting to move in after 3 months is just an opportunist. I believe this guy when he says it's to save money. You don't need to be dirt poor to want to save money. This guy is seeing an additional $500 per month in his pocket. Whether he makes 25k or 50k per year is irrelevant. He told you why he wanted to move in with you, believe him. ETA: Just tell him that you'd love to move in with him, and you'll start looking for a bigger apartment, maybe rent a house, because with both your salary you can afford a nice big apartment with a little more luxury, then look at him crawl his way out of it. He makes over 6 figures... He is actually looking to buy a house now. He wants me to move into his apartment now and when he buys a house, move into the house with him. I will have a talk with him tonight... Yesterday I told him that if I were to move in, he would need a bigger place, and he said that's an option, but it would be better if he just stayed at his apartment until lease is over and then relocate into the house.
Author ain5053 Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 He is an intelligent and caring man, I doubt he would make an impulsive decision that would somehow disadvantage me. He is helping me with a lot at work and I believe he genuinely cares for me a lot.
Author ain5053 Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 When he said "to save money," also, he said it like this "It just doesn't make sense for you to pay for your apartment when you are already living here.." So it would be ME saving money... not him.
Versacehottie Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 I am planning on saying something like: "I thought about what you asked me yesterday.. Honestly, I enjoy spending every minute with you and wouldn't think that moving in would be a problem, but in my opinion, moving in because of the reasons of "practicality" and "convenience" are not very practical. If we move in together, I want it to be because we both are ready to take our relationship to that next step. Moving in requires serious feelings and commitment, neither of which we have really talked about..." If you are planning/hoping to move forward with the move-in, then yes--this is a good way to put it I think. Even if you don't, probably the time has come for this discussion--cause I think it would be hurtful if you just left his question unanswered. I think whoever is ready to say "i love you" first should say it. You can only do you--so if you're ready to say it then why not? Yeah he may or may not "change" that's not really what I meant. I meant that, for lack of a better word, that this courtship period where things are most excited and not as routine--why hurry up to reach a live-in arrangement? Other than the thrill of being chosen like that, i think it's better to having plenty of the fun part first. That said, as you mentioned I know several relationships that have moved in quickly and lasted>>>and of course many that haven't. Statistically it's supposedly not great. Also depends on what your end goal is: if it is to be married, then honestly I would hold back a bit. I don't think his character is an issue--however, he may not be motivated to take next step (proposing in the future) if he has things just as he wants them. Wonder what his 7 year ex-gf would say about that? When he was 20 was a long time ago though so who knows what his live-in status has bearing on for you guys or his character. But perhaps being cheated on is the reason he is being a bit guarded about his feelings and made his offer about practicality rather than love? Ok, good luck!
FitChick Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 Did anyone see the bit about him being her BOSS? So if things go badly, not only will she get fired she will become homeless. I say if you don't care about being married, move in and save every penny you can for the day you lose your job and your home. Don't be foolish like most young women. This man will control every aspect of your life. See if you could sublet your apartment so you could pocket some extra money, too.
JungleLover Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Did anyone see the bit about him being her BOSS? So if things go badly, not only will she get fired she will become homeless. I say if you don't care about being married, move in and save every penny you can for the day you lose your job and your home. Don't be foolish like most young women. This man will control every aspect of your life. See if you could sublet your apartment so you could pocket some extra money, too. Right. This is such a bad idea she can't possibly go through with this.
Author ain5053 Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 Did anyone see the bit about him being her BOSS? So if things go badly, not only will she get fired she will become homeless. I say if you don't care about being married, move in and save every penny you can for the day you lose your job and your home. Don't be foolish like most young women. This man will control every aspect of your life. See if you could sublet your apartment so you could pocket some extra money, too. He is not my boss, he is just my superior/lead.. He can't fire me. Even if he could, that would actually be a violation that could lead to a lawsuit. I work for a large company which wouldn't risk it.
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