happyfacesadface Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 For almost a year not (year in October) I have been thinking about maybe breaking up with my boyfriend of almost 7 years. I love him so much, he’s my best friend and I feel so comfortable with him. We have grown a lot together – maybe me more than him and we probably would not be where we are today if it wasn’t for each other but in my heart I almost know that I need to move on to explore other things and because I’m really just not sure if I am IN love with him or if I have every really been completely IN love with him and I feel completely selfish by wanting more. We met when I was 19 and still in college. I had a crush on him and moved into his apt (as a roommate) but at the time he had a girlfriend. I left for the summer to go work at a summer camp and came back to find they had broken up. I made myself really available and he caught on easily. I came back from camp at the end of August and we were a couple as of October. I immediately started “living” in his room. There was no courting, no dating, no nothing. It went from not being together to living together like a married couple. From then on we have never really fought or broke up – we bicker about chores and what not but nothing major. Life has been easy and comfortable and we went from having roommates to living by ourselves in this apt. We adopted two dogs along the way. Everything is pretty picture perfect and so easy. We have grown as people and every day is almost the same. We do have better days but ultimately nothing crazy just day to day life. This past year starting right after my 26th birthday I decided I wasn’t going to stay home anymore – I wanted to go out and explore and have fun. I missed a lot of this in college because I worked a lot and had a boyfriend who was 6 years older than me and kind of “over it” when it came to the party scene. I have been going out and having a blast, working out more, eating right, meeting new people, and overall just having a great time but at the same time he doesn’t join me in this. I do my thing, he does his and we meet at home and go to his parents’ house every Sunday for dinner. For a while I was ok with this because I was thinking “we have our own things and this is good” but now in my head it’s more like “we don’t have the same interests in life”. On top of all of this our sex life has never been awesome. In the beginning yeah we had sex a little more but it wasn’t all the time and it definitely wasn’t mind blowing or super passionate. Now I’m lucky if we have sex a few times a month. And recently I have not been attracted at all to him that way. Since I’ve started what I’ve been calling my “rage phase” I have also been really interested in other men and sometimes its reciprocal and I find it hard not to want to know what could have would have happened if I did anything. A lot of my friends I have talked to about this say it’s because I never did it when I was younger and now I just want the life experiences (which I completely do). I never did the bar thing, never did the one night stand thing, never really “Dated” a guy EVER. I had slept with a few before him and maybe went on a few dates but nothing really long or intimate. People say that the scene is over rated and the grass is not greener and why would I give up such a great guy but I’m so ****ing curios I don’t know what to do with myself. On top of all of this ever since this “life change” of mine I actually feel like myself for the first time in years. When I’m out with my friends I feel happy, creative, youthful, ect. Ect. It’s not that I don’t feel that at home. I’m just so bored with routine and board with life. What’s on our time line “when will we get married? When will we have kids” – but really I want to explore life and take chances and do ****. I really need some advice/thoughts on this. I know if i actually do go - it would destroy him and he would be so blind sighted by all of this. Should I stay and always wonder, Go and maybe always regret, go to counseling, have an affair (the French swear by this)? FWIW I am 26 and he is 33
laurelin Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 A few questions: If he were to join you, would you still feel the need to 'test' out other guys or do these other guys represent a change you'd like to see in your boyfriend (i.e. more spontaneity, more fun, more romance)? If this new phase makes you feel more like yourself, is it safe to say that you have not really been yourself in your relationship with your boyfriend? Why did a 25-year-old man appeal to your 19-year-old self seven years ago? What you were needing, then, that you don't need now? And, conversely, what do you need, now, that you didn't need then? Why do you think this has changed? Even though you're not married, I'd actually recommend you look into a website called Marriage Builders. It's based upon the work of Dr. Willard Harley who wrote a book called, "His Needs, Her Needs". It's, basically, about finding what needs you have that aren't being met and being able to communicate those needs to your partner. Definitely check out the "Basic Concepts" portion of the site and then, maybe, go to the Questionnaires page and download the "Emotional Needs Questionnaire" and see how those rank for you.
Quiet Storm Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Please let him go. Do not marry and have kids with him. Do not have an affair. Why lie and deceive the people that love you? Is that the kind of person you want to be? Yes, it will hurt him. Leaving him will break his heart. But its better than letting him marry someone that's not in love with him. Its better now before you have kids and there are more hearts to break. Its OK to want to end it. People fall out of love. You might regret it,but fear of regret does not mean its OK to marry him when you obviously don't love him the way you should. You sound done with him emotionally and sexually. There are no vows, no kids, so no reason to drag this out. 2
Author happyfacesadface Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 A few questions: If he were to join you, would you still feel the need to 'test' out other guys or do these other guys represent a change you'd like to see in your boyfriend (i.e. more spontaneity, more fun, more romance)? If this new phase makes you feel more like yourself, is it safe to say that you have not really been yourself in your relationship with your boyfriend? Why did a 25-year-old man appeal to your 19-year-old self seven years ago? What you were needing, then, that you don't need now? And, conversely, what do you need, now, that you didn't need then? Why do you think this has changed? Even though you're not married, I'd actually recommend you look into a website called Marriage Builders. It's based upon the work of Dr. Willard Harley who wrote a book called, "His Needs, Her Needs". It's, basically, about finding what needs you have that aren't being met and being able to communicate those needs to your partner. Definitely check out the "Basic Concepts" portion of the site and then, maybe, go to the Questionnaires page and download the "Emotional Needs Questionnaire" and see how those rank for you. I think if he were to join me i might still feel the need because of fun, romance, ect. But i could be wrong. I don't know that I would say I wasn't myself but i wasn't my thoughtful creative self. I def. have not been miserable - lots of great times with him - but sometimes i would think like "man i used to be cool, fun, and be into art ect. and now i just sit at home all the time and am super domestic. " I feel more motivated now to be that person again. When we met i really wanted a BF/solid relationship. I was lonely (as are alot of people) and was looking for comfort and that's exactly what i got. I was in school and working 3 jobs to pay for school and rarely had time or money to go out so it was perfect for me then. I would always think to myself "im so responsible, i wont have any school loans when i graduate and im missing a lot of really horrible hangovers" but now i look back and am like "****, i missed out on a lot of good times and life experiences whether good or bad". Recently ive been looking at life through the "YOLO" eyes and now wonder why i waited so long to go explore and enjoy life instead of playing the responsible card. I think the key word here for me is responsible, I've been taking that road for a long time and to be frank in those terms i am way ahead of all my friends - have a great job, lots of savings, 401k, stock ect. but in exchange i feel like ive played the responsible card instead of playing the life card. And this whole post plays into that maybe.
bubbaganoosh Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 Well, you could break up with him and go check out the other side and see how all those cool people live and become one of them but the grass that looks so green on the other side of that fence your seeing can be real nice deep green because it's on top of a septic tank. Now maybe it will be just as you imagine and you can have your fun, but if it turns out to be something other and not what you expected or as much fun, your going to be wondering about the good guy you dumped for a pipe dream and he may have moved on and found someone else or if you ask if there's a chance you two can get back together and he shuts you down, then it's something that your going to have to live with and the only one to blame will be you. My advice. Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. 1
oldshirt Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 . I know if i actually do go - it would destroy him and he would be so blind sighted by all of this. Would it??? Are you sure he isn't feeling much the same as you? Are you sure he isn't getting as bored and disillusioned as you? He's not going to feel it or show it the same way because he is a guy and is going to be ok with the status quo as long as the sex is there, but he is probably feeling a bit dissatisfied with that as well since it sounds like you aren't really into it. The way I see it, he simply had a cozy and convenient bedwarmer fall in his lap. It didn't sound like he really had to work for it or do any courting or schmoozing or anything like that. You haven't made any mention of him making any future plans or having any discussions of marriage or kids or family or anything like that. I can't help but wonder if some of your disillusionment and wanderlust is stemming in some way from his lackluster and lukewarm investment in you and your relationship????? Now I understand no one likes to get dumped and no guy likes to see his sexual gravy-train just wander off to parts unknown so it's not like a break or a breakup isn't going to pack a sting for awhile, but your concerns of his devastation may be a bit over rated.
oldshirt Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 As far as what to do about it, there are number of options. None of them are perfect or painless, yet none are unreasonable either. I think cheating and all the trouble and pain and disgust it will bring will be counter effective. I'd discourage that. You could grit your teeth and try to just bare it but I think eventually you'd pop a cog and either do something rash and dumb or cheat and that would lead to lots of long lasting bad feelings. you could outright dump him. That would cause tears on both sides but both of you would probably recover and move on fine. The main problem with that is it would be a bid disruption and a big change for both of you. a middle ground option is to grow some ovaries and just lay it on the table that your outlook on your life and your life with him and your relationship have changed a lot lately as you have matured and you are yearning for a greater level of independence and adventure etc etc. It's not that he has done anything wrong. it's just that you aren't the lonely 19 year old with the crush needing a roof over your head anymore. You are a grown woman wanting to get out and live a life of new experiences, new people and independence and adventures. Those all may or may not include him. It's not dumping him per se but rather just not being exclusively connected to him or living under the same roof. In other words you find your own place, move out, do your own thing, allow him to do his own thing. If you want to have a Saturday 'date' with him you can. if someone else makes a valid offer for Sat night, you can consider that as well. The options and opportunity would be available to him too of course. Over time you'd either drift apart and live your own lives separately or you may find yourself back together. There is a very real risk he would say "screw that!" and just move on without you. If he were to write in here saying that his live in GF was wanting to move out and play the field our advice would be to pack your stuff and leave it in the drive way for you to pick up and then move on without you. That is a risk you will incur. I suppose you could approach him about an open relationship or swinging or something but this doesn't sound like an exclusively sexual issue variety issue back rather a pretty comprehensive life adjustment issue. You've been with him since you were 19. It's really not reasonable to expect a noncommitted relationship without children and marriage etc entered into at 19 to last forever. You are a different person now. You are now a fairly well developed adult. Part of adulthood is making difficult decisions about your life and well being and a lot of them are not painless or without some kind of consequence. This is going to sting but both of you are going to live through it and recover fine.
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