sooshi Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 I just came back from visiting a friend who invited me. She lives near my ex. I never told him but he found out from Facebook, I guess, when they were friends on there. He just e-mailed me and asked me what the "sooshi, what the %%*& were you thinking?" He thinks I had an ulterior motive in visiting my friend... who invited me! We spent 99% of the time at the barn, only leaving to go to a restaurant in another city and the bank/store. We never went into his county/district/whatever. She knew I was reluctant/anxious of being 20 minutes away from where my ex lives, but she assured me we would never go in that area. We never did. What now? Nothing?
theexfiance Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 I just came back from visiting a friend who invited me. She lives near my ex. I never told him but he found out from Facebook, I guess, when they were friends on there. He just e-mailed me and asked me what the "sooshi, what the %%*& were you thinking?" He thinks I had an ulterior motive in visiting my friend... who invited me! We spent 99% of the time at the barn, only leaving to go to a restaurant in another city and the bank/store. We never went into his county/district/whatever. She knew I was reluctant/anxious of being 20 minutes away from where my ex lives, but she assured me we would never go in that area. We never did. What now? Nothing? Ignore him. You know what your intentions and actions say. Remember: he's looking for any reason he can find to demonize you. His reaction is unreasonably hostile. You don't just e-mail someone asking "what the ****???" He broke it off with you and now he thinks that he is owed some type of explanation for what you do with your time? **** that. He's disrespectful, and confronting him after he has sent you such a hostile message can only end badly. Stick to your guns. Keep NC and keep walking. He's not thinking straight and if you talk to him, you won't be either.
Author sooshi Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 Thank you so much for your reply. He knew about my going there but I didn't know that he knew. So he went off and told my former best friend who he pursued, and made grave assumptions and made me look terrible. If he was having doubts, the right thing to do would've been to ask me (respectfully!) or my friend before/during the trip. I didn't contact him or anything while I was there. I did contact his mom, and maybe that was the problem. But he talked to my friend before I went, I think. I never had intentions of getting back together or anything. I let his mom know that I was in the area and that she could come over or we could meet her somewhere if she wanted. I know it was probably not the right thing to do, but she's very sentimental and I thought she would appreciate the offer, and I knew she might not take it because it may be uncomfortable, which I would've understood. I even told her that my ex didn't know I was there... because I didn't want him to know (no intentions of doing anything with him, that's why!) Thanks again for your thoughts <3
BC1980 Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 I just came back from visiting a friend who invited me. She lives near my ex. I never told him but he found out from Facebook, I guess, when they were friends on there. He just e-mailed me and asked me what the "sooshi, what the %%*& were you thinking?" He thinks I had an ulterior motive in visiting my friend... who invited me! We spent 99% of the time at the barn, only leaving to go to a restaurant in another city and the bank/store. We never went into his county/district/whatever. She knew I was reluctant/anxious of being 20 minutes away from where my ex lives, but she assured me we would never go in that area. We never did. What now? Nothing? Don't answer. What do you expect to gain from answering? Block him, so he can't email you anymore. You just said in a previous thread that you are done with him. Prove it by not answering and blocking. Didn't you say that he found out about you visiting because you posted it on FB? If so, blocking him could have prevented this entire situation.
Author sooshi Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 No, I never posted anything. I didn't want people to know. My friend posted about it, I guess, when I first bought the tickets or around that time about a month ago, and he was FB friends with her at the time. So I think that's how he found out. But she deleted him because she didn't want him to see the plans (but I guess she deleted it too late). I was not on Facebook at the time and so didn't see anything. I don't expect to gain anything from answering. I could answer in the calmest way possible and with the truth, and I'm sure he won't believe it because he has it so engrained in him that I went there for him.
BC1980 Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 No, I never posted anything. I didn't want people to know. My friend posted about it, I guess, when I first bought the tickets or around that time about a month ago, and he was FB friends with her at the time. So I think that's how he found out. But she deleted him because she didn't want him to see the plans (but I guess she deleted it too late). I was not on Facebook at the time and so didn't see anything. I don't expect to gain anything from answering. I could answer in the calmest way possible and with the truth, and I'm sure he won't believe it because he has it so engrained in him that I went there for him. I would definitely block his email then. However he found out, he seems intent on going above and beyond to be spiteful. You certainly owe him nothing and have nothing to prove to him. I wouldn't be surprised if his mom told him. It's sad, but it may be a good idea to cut off communication with her too. Her first loyalty will always be to him no matter what he does, so it becomes awkward to carry on a relationship with you ex's family. I occasionally talk to my ex's sister, but we never talk about my ex. I'm careful too because I know that she will be loyal to him when it comes down to it.
Priv Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Well, you did tell his mother you were going. Most likely she must have told him, and he must have seen that as an indirect way of contacting him. And it kinda is. It is his mother after all. You can't expect her to not tell your ex... But ummm... don't reply to that venomous email.
Author sooshi Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 Yep, his mom probably told him. I think he found out before I even left, but oh well. I have been thinking about removing all of our mutual friends from Facebook, some of whom are his family. His mom has said she didn't see any reason why he wouldn't be okay with us talking, which is why I let her know I was in the area if she wanted to catch up. I was originally not going to say anything to anyone, but I just wanted to make the offer. Apparently he knew before I went though, because my former best friend told me he knew I was going. I agree with you both, Simon and BC. Responding in any way would be pointless. And he does seem intent on going above and beyond to be spiteful. I don't know why. It's like demonizing me has become a hobby for him or something.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Yeah, I'd probably stop talking to his mother. Seems like an unnecessary drama hot point. His mother is his confidant, not yours.
Author sooshi Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 (edited) I don't speak with her, but she still considered me family and she told me she missed me. I only let her know I was in the area if she wanted to meet up. I didn't tell anyone there that I was going. I only contacted her the day after I arrived, giving her the opportunity to see each other if she wanted to. I had no other motives. I won't respond but I also can't find any way to block him. I think the best I can do, as far as I know, is to filter any e-mail from him to be spam, but then I'd have to have the self-control not to open it up. Edited July 11, 2014 by sooshi
Simon Phoenix Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 I don't speak with her, but she still considered me family and she told me she missed me. I only let her know I was in the area if she wanted to meet up. I didn't tell anyone there that I was going. I only contacted her the day after I arrived, giving her the opportunity to see each other if she wanted to. I had no other motives. I won't respond but I also can't find any way to block him. I think the best I can do, as far as I know, is to filter any e-mail from him to be spam, but then I'd have to have the self-control not to open it up. This you should not have done. If I were him I'd find that odd and it would annoy the hell out of me.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 My mistake. I was too naive about it. No big deal, it's over, you can't undo it. Just learn from it. But yeah, I would guess that encompasses much of the reason why he was annoyed.
Author sooshi Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 When my former best friend was telling me, she never mentioned his mom, so I don't know that she said anything and I never thought for a moment that she would. Oh well, yep, lesson learned!
BC1980 Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 I don't speak with her, but she still considered me family and she told me she missed me. I only let her know I was in the area if she wanted to meet up. I didn't tell anyone there that I was going. I only contacted her the day after I arrived, giving her the opportunity to see each other if she wanted to. I had no other motives. I won't respond but I also can't find any way to block him. I think the best I can do, as far as I know, is to filter any e-mail from him to be spam, but then I'd have to have the self-control not to open it up. It's really difficult when you were close with the family of an ex. I was pretty close with my ex's family, and I didn't know if I should keep in contact with them or not when it ended. It's just an awkward situation because these are people we once considered our family. What do you even do with that? I ended up sending an email to his parents that thanked them for all of their kindness over the years and wishing them the best in the future. There has been no contact since, and I don't expect there to be. The entire situation is just really sad, and it's bad that it comes to that. However, the family is collateral damage I have learned. Even his son, who I was going to adopt when we got married, I have no contact with him whatsoever. It would be impractical at this point. I was angry for a long time because I felt that my ex also robbed me of his family, and we saw them all the time. They were an integral part of our lives. My sister actually works at the hospital where my ex works, and she sees him all the time. They avoid each other, and don't make eye contact. I think I would just avoid talking to his mom at this point. 1
Recommended Posts