carol_pa Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 (edited) English is not my first language, so sorry if there are any errors on this text. Guys, I really need help! I'm engaged for about 4-5 months now. He always treated me really well, we talked about everything, sex was great, we got along with each other's friends and family, I even saw him as my best friend (he said the same about me as well). Last mont my fiance and I took vacation at the same time and went to a nice, small beach for about two weeks. Everything was perfect for a few days, untill the day he went downstairs at the yard while I was showering. I heard his cellphone ringing and saw who it was, so I could take it to him to return the call. It was a woman called Layla. I never heard of her so I snooped trough his messages and I saw she was an escort he's been seeing and talking to frequently. I got nervous and kept snooping. He has been dating escorts quite frequently, all the messages setting dates with them were there, with pictures and all. Above all, he and his friends talked about dates with those escorts ("she swallows!" "she does anal!" "delicious blowjob!" "I did this one twice on the same day!") and indicated girls for each other, posting pictures and info about them on a whatsapp group. They even had his bachelor party settled in a brothel (our wedding will/would be on February). I fell devastated. I tried to calm down a little before talking to him, went for a walk on the seashore, but it didn't help me at all. I went back home and confronted him. Of course, first of all he got mad I snooped trough his cell and then denied everything, saying those were old messages, way before we met (we're together for about 2 years now). Then he said it was just once, during a friend's bachelor party. I kept pressuring him (the proves were all there!) and he said he cheated on me with them about five or six times, though I still think it was more. After the shock I went out again to think about all this. After I went back we kept on different rooms thinking for a long time yet. I heard him calling his cousin to ask for help, saying he didn't want to hurt me that way. At night we decided to talk to each other. He cried a lot, said that he loved me, that he was sorry and wouldn do it anymore. From now on it would be on my terms. Of course I asked him why he did it, what was lacking on our relationship. He said that absolutely nothing was wrong, that he always loved me and he did it "just because". For the thrill of being with a different person. Variety maybe. And that it was just sex, as if it would make it easier for me. I said our relationship was over, and if we decided to stay together we would have to build a new relationship from start. I could try to forgive him, but I wouldn't forget. I just couldn't trust him anymore. We decided to break up, start packing immediately and go away. But then I suggested us to stay untill the end of the week to see if I could at least tolerate him around me, and then we would decide. After all this we had at least a good thing: we came clean in every aspect of our lives. He told me he went to a swing club when he was single, that he slept with two women once, and that he cheated an ex girlfriend, but she didn't find out. I also told him my adventures (nothing even close to what he's done sex-related, but my many attempts on extreme sports got him completely scared). He treated me very well untill we went back home. He is still very caring, and now he calls or texts me every night to say he's home. When he goes out, he says where he's going, asks me if it's ok and even sends me a picture of him with the people he said he woul be with at the place he said he would be. Anyway I still don't trust him, sometimes I think he could date those escorts during work time, or text me from a brothel saying he's home. I get extremely upset at times, but I didn't mention it again since we went back (I'm waiting for the anger to set down a bit before mentioning it again, otherwise I would just yell pointless offenses at him. Anyway I asked him to change his telephone number and to make a health test (even though I guess he protected himself. He's an ob/gyn after all). He agreed on both things. I know it will take a long time to recover, but I just don't know what to do. I love him so much and he has showed me love as well. Our wedding is all settled, our new home is ready. But I fell so humilliated!! So what do you guys think? Should I just dump him? Is it possible that he will be faithful from now on? Can I give him a second chance? And if I can, what could I do to solve this situation? Counselling, perhaps? Please help... Edited July 11, 2014 by carol_pa
Zahara Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 So what do you guys think? Should I just dump him? Is it possible that he will be faithful from now on? Can I give him a second chance? And if I can, what could I do to solve this situation? Counselling, perhaps? Please help... No one can help you decide if you should dump him or not. No one can tell you if he will be faithful moving forward. Red flag. He cheated on his ex-girlfriend as well. He cheated on you too. The only reason he is choosing to "change" is because you caught him. He never fathomed a lesson when he cheated on his ex, he just repeated it with you. From experience being with a cheater, they will say and do whatever it takes upon getting caught to reverse the situation and get things back to what they were. If he's done this to you now, I can't imagine what would happen if after being married and settled, routine, "boredom" and monotony sets in -- I hope to god you're prepared for this. 1
Timmos Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 "Our wedding is all settled, our new home is ready. But I fell so humilliated!!" Is this how you want to feel on your wedding day? There are days I feel like an idiot for trying to reconcile with my fWW, but I can at east look back at ten good years. You're not married yet... is this how you want to start out the rest of your life? 2
daisydook Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 I wouldnt even try to get over this or forgive him. I would dump him and move on. This is just disgusting behaviour. He was screwing hookers, paying them money to give him blowjobs and sex, and cheating on you to do it, probably while he is at work, or telling you he is at home. Listen to your gut! Since he has done this, when did he do this!??!?! When he was "at work" or "at home" or "out with friends." When you confronted him, he also lied about it. He has cheated on you, in the most disgusting way. Basically paying whores to do what you should be doing intimately and privately... just the two of you. Nothing will change. He will just be smarter about deleting all of his messages next time. Please leave this guy. Nothing is going to change. 2
Zahara Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Anyway I asked him to change his telephone number and to make a health test (even though I guess he protected himself. He's an ob/gyn after all). He agreed on both things.. What does it matter if he has changed his number? He can call the brothel. He can call the escorts at their work. He can get the numbers from his friend. He can delete his call log. Eventhough he's in the medical field, you'd be surprised at how much influence the little penis brain has when it comes to the nasty and dirty. You're putting yourself in a very risky situation. 1
CarrieT Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 I personally don't believe guys like this change overnight upon being caught. First and foremost, get checked for STDs because he was probably barebacking the escorts. He was crying and begging for forgiveness, but I seriously doubt he won't try it again. 3
Quiet Storm Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 He and his friends have the "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" and the "don't worry her pretty little head about it" attitude. Basically, this is just a recreational activity for them. In their minds, it doesn't mean they don't love you. It doesn't mean they'd rather be with someone else. It doesn't mean you aren't meeting his needs. What it does mean is that he is selfish and sneaky. He decided that since this was "no big deal" to him, that he wasn't going to concern you with this knowledge. He kept it to himself because he wanted to keep doing it, and not get in trouble with you. I really don't think you should marry him. He doesn't respect you, or your right to have the truth about your life & relationship. This isn't going to change just because he got caught, IMO. These are character issues which will pop up in many different ways, and not just regarding infidelity. He is the type that will buy something expensive & not tell you about it. Or tell your child "Don't tell Mommy about XXXX". He thinks "because you might get mad" is a valid reason to hide & omit important information. Trust & honesty are essential for intimacy, and if you already have these problems before marriage, it's not a good sign. You don't want to marry him, possibly have kids with him, and look back at this situation and wish you would've left him. He is showing you he really is, it's up to you to believe him. 2
83cj Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 I'm very sorry you're going through this. From your earlier post regarding your fiance, and his brother's reaction to your engagement: On top of it, when we announced we were engaged to his family, everybody was happy and greeted us. He just said "what a **** up"! When they were toasting for our engagement, he said out loud "this is the first time I see people toasting on a funeral. You're damned". Then he just turned to me and said "Nooo, please. HE is ****ed up. For you, congratulations". http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/getting-married/469651-brother-law-jealous#post5615841 It sounds like the brother has known about this and was upset because he thinks you're nice but knows his brother has major problems. I think marrying your fiance is a terrible idea and it will bring you misery and pain. I'm sorry. 3
whichwayisup Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Just my 2 cents, but I think getting married to him will be the biggest mistake in your life. He cheats, he can't stay committed. Why on earth would he go to an escort when he has you. He has issues and they aren't going away. He is NOT long term or husband material! Please do not marry him, move in with him or anything. Break it off and grieve the loss. This guy isn't worth it. You deserve someone better who will treat you like a queen, not cheat on you and NOT give you an STD. Please go to your Dr and get checked out, god forbid he gave you something.
Timmos Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Even IF you were to try and reconcile this, his friends would have to become persona non grata. How likely do you think this is?
SunshineToday Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 Carol, it's hard enough to reconcile after an affair for a married couple. I can't even imagine doing it BEFORE the marriage, as it will be there from the start. Only you can decide. But maybe you should put the engagement on hold until you are sure.
No Limit Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 Is it possible that he will be faithful from now on? No. Past behavior indicates future behavior. He isn't even married yet and needs escorts. Run run run, screw that marriage. You'll might basically loose your life over this. Marriages aren't meant to trap you, people. I remember a thread in another forum coming from a girl who found out 2 weeks before the marriage his fiance had cheated with his ex. She was too scared to call it off, and in a later thread told how scared she was and that they went to marriage counseling. But it didn't help her mind of course. Imagine the way you feel now, to feel until the end of your days. And on top of that going to marriage counseling right on the first day you're married. You don't need to endure this. Run.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 He and his friends have the "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" and the "don't worry her pretty little head about it" attitude. Basically, this is just a recreational activity for them. In their minds, it doesn't mean they don't love you. It doesn't mean they'd rather be with someone else. It doesn't mean you aren't meeting his needs. This is true. There's a small percentage of men out there that compartmentalize recreational sex and don't see it as a conflict with marriage and/or commitment. They "love" their wives/fiances and consider themselves good husbands, loyal partners and good family men. But they almost always have something - and in some cases more than one something - on the side. Your boyfriend falls in this category. Up to you if you want to be the main entree to someone with plenty of side dishes... Mr. Lucky
mikethemechanic Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 We never change!!! Once a thief always a thief, in fact when robberies occur the police go through their list of offenders and not new suspects. A John will always be a John many will go through a cooling off period only to re-offend years later. 1
Darren Steez Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 Cheated on an ex now he's cheated on you, and he did it multiple times. Please, just walk away, as hard as it is, but the trust is gone, don't lock yourself into a marriage where there is no trust because it will bring nothing but unhappiness. You deserve to be treated better.
Just a Guy Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 After what you have posted here do you really think you need advice from people on an annonymous forum? What he has been doing is beyond repair. You are not married to him so just leave and do not even look back.Best wishes! 1
mangetout Posted July 13, 2014 Posted July 13, 2014 . I tried to live with a cheater. Two years down the drain. Its hard to let go. It's hard to walk away but I feel you will be wasting your time with this man.
inpeices Posted July 14, 2014 Posted July 14, 2014 Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. It will hurt so so much to do so, but believe me, from personal experience, the precedent has been already set. I wish I had listened to my instinct and not my heart. Ok, I had some enjoyable times during the 12yrs my ex and I were together, but I have lost almost 3yrs of my life, since, feeling devastated by what finally happened. All because it ended how it began.. In the very beginning, she was lying and confessed only when caught! Four years into the relationship I discovered more lies & infidelity. She continued the same pattern throughout the relationship and again, at the very end, she properly went to town almost killing me in the process (I wanted to die because the emotional pain was so bad) So thus the relationship ended how it started.. RUN RUN RUN! It won't be easy but nor is living with a chameleon... Gutted for you :-( but the health risk alone should be sufficient to send you reeling.. Some people are incapable of being faithful.. Remember that x
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