Indonesia1 Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 My ex and i broke up at christmas (9months together). We argued a lot and i started to get emotional about about why he didn't want to seem to have sex anymore. This perpetuated my insecurities and was really downhill from there. We kissed a few times and slept with eachother in Febuary but that was the last time. My ex seemed to be madly in love with me at the start. He seemed adamant that he didn't want it to be over forever, anyway since a lot of bitterness from his part has surfaced (despite him being the 'dumper' i think). Why would someone who didn't want to be with you be so angry? i didn't cheat. Anyway fast forward to now, where he is abroad and has since (publicised by his friends) slept with a couple of models, one quite well known. He's very handsome and i'm average. Since he was initially very attracted to me, i don't think i have changed physically at all. Why would you stop being attracted to someone? I don't want to undo what has happened but i can't help how insecure about myself i have felt since Anyone found their self esteem destroyed after a breakup?
HopelessRomanticGuy Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Don't let it eat you up inside. Some men are never content because they have programmed their brains to want constant variety. Porn is a great way to do that by the way. It can deceive and pervert the mind to the point that no one can ever satisfy again. I've learned that lesson myself. Imagine having access to anything you desired for free. How long would it take to get bored because you didn't have to work to get it? It's hard to appreciate what you have when you've indulged in filling cheap desires most of your life. Not sure if that's the case, but for many men it is.
Author Indonesia1 Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 Don't let it eat you up inside. Some men are never content because they have programmed their brains to want constant variety. Porn is a great way to do that by the way. It can deceive and pervert the mind to the point that no one can ever satisfy again. I've learned that lesson myself. Imagine having access to anything you desired for free. How long would it take to get bored because you didn't have to work to get it? It's hard to appreciate what you have when you've indulged in filling cheap desires most of your life. Not sure if that's the case, but for many men it is. Yeah, I pushed him away emotionally (I'm realising my mistakes but also glad this happened). But does being hurt affect mens ability to find someone physical attractive? Yeah its just hard when these other girls are unreal. Doesn't help I dont make much effort but at 21 and the shallow groups that surround my ex I dont doubt that ill be constantly reminded of the stunners he's with.
CaliBabe Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Anyway fast forward to now, where he is abroad and has since (publicised by his friends) slept with a couple of models, one quite well known. He's very handsome and i'm average. Since he was initially very attracted to me, i don't think i have changed physically at all. Why would you stop being attracted to someone? I don't want to undo what has happened but i can't help how insecure about myself i have felt since Being very insecure in yourself can also be unattractive. What you think about yourself is what you reflect on the outside. People can pick up if you are insecure or down on yourself. You need to work on yourself. Go seek a therapist and realize that you are beautiful and once you believe it yourself, you will make others a believer too. Confidence is key. 1
scobro Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 He's very handsome and i'm average. you are putting him up on a pedestal an idealized version of him 1
Author Indonesia1 Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 you are putting him up on a pedestal an idealized version of him Nah I'm not idealising him, there is a general consensus that he's stupidly goodlooking among all of our friends. Doesnt stop him being annoying or any of the negative qualities he has I just mean from an aesthetic point of view.
irresolute Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Yes, attraction doesn't last forever. there are million reasons why a person stops feeling attracted to another. He probably found someone else whom he felt more attracted to (I do think that's the main reason). This has nothing to do with you. I'm sorry you consider yourself average and compare yourself to the models he's been dating. you need to know, though, that appearance plays a role in the beginning of the relationship, but then it's the whole you, your personality, values, etc, that maintain the passion or not. He might fell out of love. He might had found someone else. He might had realized that, after all, you were not supposed to be together. And that's his perspective and you have to honor what he thinks. You have only one choice now: live your life and move on. I'm sorry you're hurting and looking for answers. You'll eventually find them.
Author Indonesia1 Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 Yes, attraction doesn't last forever. there are million reasons why a person stops feeling attracted to another. He probably found someone else whom he felt more attracted to (I do think that's the main reason). This has nothing to do with you. I'm sorry you consider yourself average and compare yourself to the models he's been dating. you need to know, though, that appearance plays a role in the beginning of the relationship, but then it's the whole you, your personality, values, etc, that maintain the passion or not. He might fell out of love. He might had found someone else. He might had realized that, after all, you were not supposed to be together. And that's his perspective and you have to honor what he thinks. You have only one choice now: live your life and move on. I'm sorry you're hurting and looking for answers. You'll eventually find them. I don't think I'm hurting over him. Its the insecurity that follows rejection. At the time he said it was that I pushed him away, he said hes not looking for another relationship for a while and hes not dating just sleeping around, still irrelevant to my situation. He said a lot of flattering things after we broke up, like how noone compares etc. But no amount of compliments i recieve fix my self esteem. I honestly dont like anything about my face. General question is why would you start seeing a spouse as a friend?? Is it purely physical attraction or is there more to it?
scobro Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 I don't think I'm hurting over him. Its the insecurity that follows rejection. At the time he said it was that I pushed him away, he said hes not looking for another relationship for a while and hes not dating just sleeping around, still irrelevant to my situation. He said a lot of flattering things after we broke up, like how noone compares etc. But no amount of compliments i recieve fix my self esteem. I honestly dont like anything about my face. General question is why would you start seeing a spouse as a friend?? Is it purely physical attraction or is there more to it? Flattery is because he feels guilty and doesn't want to hurt you anymore than he already has.You are missing the attachment not him and its normal
sooshi Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Rejection affects us. It makes us reflect on our self-worth, and we think we have less of it because we've been rejected. But it's not true. It'll take some time to pick yourself back up, but focus on healing and on being kind and gentle with yourself, and you'll get there! 1
irresolute Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Yes, he flatters you because he feels extremely guilty he doesn't love you and he doesn't want to hurt you more than he already did. I'm sorry you're trying to find answers and I'm sorry you're hurting. Why he stopped wanting to be with you is something only he knows. You're trying to find some closure but I think he breaking up with you is reason enough. Why he doesn't love you anymore is not important right now.
Author Indonesia1 Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 Sadly I think my point is being missed I don't want to reconcile. I don't think I love my ex anymore. It's bizzarre and confusing. I'll give an example: my ex and I had more arguments and emotional problems and there was a lot of issues on my behalf (self esteem and I didnt want to be in that relationship for about 5 weekends in a row). I cast the first stone during this and he decided it wasnt right anymore. I asked him 100000x during a conversation if his feelings for me had changed and that was fine and he said no they definitely hadnt and he still loved me. I asked if it was physical. He said no (I wonder if he said no because its things you cant change). He just said the honeymoon period was over and he saw the relationship differently. He said he never used to have doubts. Ultimately weve been broken up 7 months or more but closure is kind of what I wanted. I guess I wanted him to say yeah it is your looks so I could write him off as a jerk and not be bothered. But I can't, before he went into a rant about how im the hottest girl he had been woth (another flattery, undoubtedly a lie) Its easy to say everyone is beautiful but please put yourself jn my shoes. I'm the less attractive half of this broken thing and he's off enjoying model company. Ican't help my self esteem taking an absolute bashing. And my insecurities about my looks have only gotten worse. I want to know how to boost my self esteem for MYSELF. I don't want to carry my same problems into future relationships.
sugarlove Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 Yes, I understand how it feels as my ex is angry at me too.. when he was the one that dumped me but his words were " You broke my heart". Bearing in mind I never withhold sex as a way to punish my partners when things aren't going well.. but I just didn't put as much passion into it anymore. Something was bothering me but I can't put my finger on it. Anyway, fastforward to after the break up. I felt the breakup made me lost my confidence.. not just confidence in how I look but confidence that I won't be able to make the right choice with regards to relationships. I'm a reasonably attractive lady but despite it all, I felt unlovable, because I'm sad and angry with the world. And how unfair things are. I cut my hair the first week of breakup, I used to have pink hair but I wanted to change my outer appearance as if that will magically made me feel better. But it didn't work. But I've heaps of FB likes on that day of my selfie.. which made me feel better. Superficial but any response helps to be honest. I also start asking myself what have I been wanting to do but couldn't when I was in a relationship. Shopping? Exercising? Spa treatment? Manicures? I did all that.. for me because I deserve it. If he wasn't going to appreciate me for me, I'm going to start loving me myself. At least I won't wake up one day and decided not to love me anymore. For a while i was terribly confused. So I got myself into counselling, fixed whatever I needed. Did that made me feel better? Yeah it did, it gave me hope. So I got myself a rebound guy. He's a good friend.. and any male attention and opinion helps distract for a bit. Nothing sexual happened though.. just good old male companionship. So that helped me the most. TO have someone who doesn't think I'm ugly or unworthy or plain. Now my point is to say that no one is going to magically bring back your self esteem for you. But your first step is to try. Try anything and everything. Do what make you feel good, do trivia nights if you are a general knowledge geek, get yourself pampered if you're a diva, invite yourself to parties if you're a party girl. Anything. Seriously. ANything except feeling sorry for yourself.
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