Jump to content

My boyfriend is still in communication with his ex and I don't understand why

onesweetworld

By onesweetworld
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

onesweetworld New Member

onesweetworld

Posted
Posted (edited)

I apologize in advance if this is a bit of a long read.

 

Background of us: I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 29. We've been together almost three months and things are going really well. We spend a lot of time together, we're open with each other, he's supportive of me and my career goals, and he's introduced me to his family. The only problem is we both have insecurity issues. Mine stem from past relationships and my own self worth. His stem from the fact that he was a big guy all his life, but in the past year has been working out and went from 320 to 220 pounds (he's 6'1''). He's the middle child and has four siblings and he was never given the attention or praise his younger brothers were. In general, he has some issues around feeling wanted, loved, and appreciated for who he is.

 

Background of him and his ex: He's a serial monogamist and has been in three longterm relationships in the past 8 years. The third relationship was with a girl named S and it ended last winter. He's never trash talked her but he's made it clear to me that they weren't right for each other and she didn't treat him well. She cheated on him and was emotionally manipulative but yet he still loved her. I don’t know how that works but I’m not a psychologist. After they broke up, he rebounded with his second ex and then in January of this year he cheated on the second ex with S. He was upfront about this with me very early on and assured me that he never plans to do that again and hasn't forgiven himself for what he did. He feels that as bad as S was to him, he can't judge her because he cheated on the second ex with her. They still occasionally talk over email (he was upfront with me about this too). When he told me all of this, I was clearly not 100% ok with it and he offered to cut contact with her if it makes me uncomfortable but I didn't feel right asking him to.

 

The current situation: He always leaves his phone next to me when we're sleeping (the outlet is on my side of the bed) and he never leaves it locked. I made the mistake of going through his phone last week (I know that wasn't right) and I found that he and S talk weekly over email. It's all friendly correspondence and he did mention me to her (she's also dating someone) and it's almost always her initiating conversation. There was no discussion about meeting up and no romantic exchanges. The only reason I was bothered was the frequency of communication and the fact that he seems engaged (i.e. not just two word responses). We talked about her over the weekend (I brought her up) and he was very open to hearing my thoughts. I told him I'm afraid he might repeat his past mistake with me and he was a bit on the defensive, saying he doesn't want to feel judged for his past. Then we talked about her again last night and I told him I feel very insecure about their correspondence and I need reassurance that his feelings for her are in the past. He was less on the defensive this time and very loving and gentle. He told me I'm the only person he wants to be with and that he doesn't need to talk to her. Again, I couldn't bring myself to ask him to stop talking to her so I told him he should make his own decision.

 

I guess my issue with this is I can't understand why he would maintain contact with an ex who treated him as badly as he said she did. I wonder if it's because she ripped him of his self esteem, and now he's trying to piece it back together. It's weird how it works but I talked to my therapist about this last night and she helped me understand. Sometimes you go back to your abuser to understand why it is they abused you and to regain some sense of control. Has anyone ever been through something similar and can offer me some advice?

Edited by onesweetworld
fred123 Established Member

fred123

Posted
Posted

wat did ur therapist said cos im in similar situation . i go bak to a girl who screwed me over and is not interested but i still wanna go bak. why i dunno

GoBlue Established Member

GoBlue

Posted
Posted

You guys have been dating for three months and are already living together? I am not positive, but I feel like that is not the best way to develop security between you and your boyfriend. Going through his phone? You realize that you are acting like a married couple but without any of the commitment or obligations. Would you marry someone after dating for three months? Statistics show that people who live together before marriage have poorer communication, lower marital satisfaction, higher levels of domestic violence, and a greater chance of divorce.

 

Sometimes we try to read too much into why a person behaves one way or another. Even though his ex treated him badly, clearly there was something that drew them together and a relationship was established. There isn't necessarily some deep "psychological" reason for it. Honest and open communication is the foundation for all intimacy. Maybe being completely honest with him would indicate where this relationship really is and where it is headed. Hope it all works out.

RonChalant Established Member

RonChalant

Posted
Posted

so as much as this is going ot suck to hear, you are a rebound.

also, the fact that he still talks to her, he still cares despite being treated like crap. i am in the same situation, my ex treated me like crap, now i'm with someone who would move mountains for me and yet it took me 2 years to be able to tell her i loved her AND ACTUALLY MEAN IT, and even still now, my ex is a daily thought in my mind, and though i would never leave my current for my ex, she means more to me than my current. which is messed up, but such is life. for one, you shouldn't have gone through his phone ESPECIALLY if he hasn't given you a reason to do so. no lock, leaves it next to you, that man is a keeper, give him his privacy. moving forward, just because you are a rebound doesn't mean all is lost,...hell i could be completely wrong and just going off my personal experience...DO NOT bring up his ex...it will push him away and if he wasn't thinking about her then, he will be the second you bring her up which could be a bad thing my friend

  • Like 1
soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

Posted
Posted (edited)

Very tricky situation...

 

Well, first of all, you DO have a right to know if he's involved, in anyway, with an ex or not. His open communication with an ex indicates that he still thinks about her and regardless of what he says, his actions of not moving on from someone who treated him "badly" says volumes about his likely emotional connection to her. Dangerous. Next time, don't let it go and please let him know that you'd rather not have him communicating with her. Why? B/c this is what YOU really want. He's cheated in the past with another woman...""""alarm bells!"""" Yes, people who continue to maintain ties with people who have been bad, abusive to them are NOT in the healthiest frame of mind. No way!

 

It may be painful, but your relationship with him is not solid. He is still vulnerable to his emotions and the unhealthy connection he has with his ex. Many people are, unfortunately, in the same boat as he is.

 

No matter where you are in a relationship, don't dismiss such behaviors nor let them go. They will take it as acquiescence b/c that is the driving force...for them to remain connected to an ex, however absurd or unhealthy. Be watchful.

Edited by soccerrprp
  • Like 1
marcjb Established Member

marcjb

Posted
Posted

Don't waste your time with anyone that keeps their past around. Find someone else that is secure in themselves and doesn't feel the need to keep in touch with ex's / flings / or anyone that they've been intimate with before. These kind of things are mainly what make relationships not last. As you can see, you are already posting here about it. The majority of topics here on this forum are a result of this behavior, and they never turn out well.

  • Like 2
nousername21 Member

nousername21

Posted
Posted

Does he talk about her often with you, like does he randomly bring past things about her up in conversations or only when it's relevant? Maybe he just doesn't have any negative feelings towards her, like he's actually over it. I would be careful though, but me personally, I am friends with most of my exs, and by friends I mean, if they text me, we'll have short conversations but I have absolutely no feelings for any of them. I wouldn't even really call us friends. Personally though, I would let him know that I wasn't comfortable at all and that it was his choice if he still wanted to talk to her, but that it deeply bothered me. There may be something there a little but if he's willing to cut off contact with her, then he seems to care more about you than her. He may just need a little bit of a push to really sever the ties.

No Limit Established Member

No Limit

Posted
Posted

You're the rebound here. If his ex is manipulative and he's still caught in her web it's only a matter of time before you get burned.

  • Like 2
TheGuard13 Established Member

TheGuard13

Posted
Posted

Whether you're a rebound or not, and you might be...the issue isn't with what he's doing, other than supposedly saying he would cut contact with his ex and not doing so (which is un unreasonable request anyway, given the circumstances).

 

 

He has weekly contact with an ex. Not daily. Not hourly. Weekly.

 

 

It's called staying in touch. It's what good friends do.

 

 

The issue here seems to be your insecurities.

 

 

He's friends with an ex. Yes, she cheated on him and was emotionally manipulative (in his words), but that's why they broke up most likely. He's likely still in contact with her because he liked something about her, which is why they are still friends.

 

 

Mature, reasonable people are often able to do this, and asking someone to cut contact with someone who very much appears to be just a friend of theirs because you are insecure about your own relationship, etc is unfair.

 

 

If it bothers you this much, talk to him about it.

  • Like 1
writergal Established Member

writergal

Posted
Posted
Don't waste your time with anyone that keeps their past around. Find someone else that is secure in themselves and doesn't feel the need to keep in touch with ex's / flings / or anyone that they've been intimate with before. These kind of things are mainly what make relationships not last. As you can see, you are already posting here about it. The majority of topics here on this forum are a result of this behavior, and they never turn out well.

 

Totally agree with this^^!

  • Like 1
ain5053 Established Member

ain5053

Posted
Posted

Give him his space and privacy... Do NOT go through his phone... Whether he is still in touch with his ex or not.. you invading his privacy will not benefit you in any way. All that you can do is be yourself and make him fall in love with YOU! My mom would always tell me in times of fights with my boyfriends "just be the you that he fell in love with". Sometimes when we are angry we lose tact of who we actually are and react impulsively, often overreact which can drive your partner away. Just have trust in your relationship and be the best you that you can be, let him fall in love with you deeper and deeper and allow yourself to fall in love with him. It's okay to be vulnerable and even gullible in love. Sneaking through his private business and confronting him over things that might not even be relevant to your relationship will not benefit you in any way. Speaking from personal experience.

  • Like 1
ktya Established Member

ktya

Posted
Posted

OP,

 

My ex fiancee cheated on me. She tried to be an annoying bag for nearly a year at the end because she was having a second affair and she didnt have the balls to just break up with me.

 

Shes married with a kid now, living on the other side of the world. I would never forgive her for the second affair and all the lies. I personally think she is of the type that she will do that to anyone she is with, unless she has done the personal growth to find internal happiness.

 

That said, i wish i could email and chat with her from time to time because we spent 9 years together. There was a lot of good times and we grew together a lot.

 

You mention that your boyfriend was not given the same emotional connection and has insecurity issues due to his childhood. In a way his ex is acting as a surrogate mom. She is a woman who really knows him, yet safe for him to talk to (in his mind) because he is with you and she has a boyfriend.

 

The solution to your mutual problem is to all get together and hang out. If she is icy to you then you have something to be worried about. If she is kind to you (and potentially gives you advice on how to be a good girlfriend tohim) then you dont.

marcjb Established Member

marcjb

Posted
Posted (edited)
Whether you're a rebound or not, and you might be...the issue isn't with what he's doing, other than supposedly saying he would cut contact with his ex and not doing so (which is un unreasonable request anyway, given the circumstances).

 

 

He has weekly contact with an ex. Not daily. Not hourly. Weekly.

 

 

It's called staying in touch. It's what good friends do.

 

 

The issue here seems to be your insecurities.

 

 

He's friends with an ex. Yes, she cheated on him and was emotionally manipulative (in his words), but that's why they broke up most likely. He's likely still in contact with her because he liked something about her, which is why they are still friends.

 

 

Mature, reasonable people are often able to do this, and asking someone to cut contact with someone who very much appears to be just a friend of theirs because you are insecure about your own relationship, etc is unfair.

 

 

If it bothers you this much, talk to him about it.

 

It doesn't sound like you are familiar with what projecting blame is. If someone is doing something that they themselves would not be comfortable with the other person doing, yet they throw out words like "jealous" or "insecure" as a way to guilt the other person into justifying their own actions. Here is what it looks like:

 

http://i.imgur.com/b2th86u.png

 

It's manipulation, and no one should have to put up with the nonsense of their partner being "friends" with ex's. The fact that they have had something before strips away all that could possibly be just "platonic". The person that is unable to let go of what was, by keeping their ex around as a "friend" is the insecure one. It's a safety net. They are unsure of themselves and they keep the other person around because of the "what if" they could possibly get back together some day... deep in their subconscious that they so profusely deny to anyone that questions it.

Edited by marcjb
  • Like 1
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Established Member

Daisy-oliviaWentcher

Posted
Posted

I can never quitting fully understand why anyone would need an ex to give someone "closure". You give the closure yourself and when you're ready to move on with someone else. A rebound is just a emotional excuse for not having worked on your own issues in your own time in your own way. I would never have lunch or get in touch with an ex. It's none of their business who I end up with and it's none of mine who they end up with. If someone is FULLY over an ex, emailing, texting or contacting an ex wouldn't be an issue. If you bump into an ex on the street perhaps that's different, but actively pursuing contact with an ex is not ok while your in a relationship and you have every right to be concerned.

  • Like 1
soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

Posted
Posted

OP,

 

I am not telling you that he WILL go back to his ex, but the odds favor that you will get burned in this situation. MATURE people move on and don't pretend to be friends with someone who treated them badly. If tr ue, and his ex treated him like crap, being friends with her is another indication that he is not in the healthiest frame of mind to be in a relationship with you or anyone else. MATURE people break all ties with with exes like that, not keep weekly or any contact that inevitably reminds him/her of the past.

  • Author
onesweetworld New Member

onesweetworld

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks everyone for your responses, I really appreciate it.

 

I keep reminding myself that he's been very upfront with me about everything. He didn't have to tell me about the past cheating and he didn't even need to tell me that he and his ex still keep in touch (yes, he didn't admit how often but I can try and let that go). I don't understand why he continues to talk to someone who treated him badly and messed his self esteem up, but maybe I never will, and maybe he doesn't really understand it fully either.

 

I know that I have to just trust him or walk away. I've met his family, he's learning my native language this summer (he's already somewhat conversational in it but wants to get fluent), he wants to take dance classes with me, he's been incredibly supportive through the ups and downs of my career, and he tells me all the time how much he likes me and how lucky he is to have found me. I either let my insecurities get the best of me, or I have to trust and know in my heart that his feelings for me are true.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...