Jump to content

Am I wrong for wanting support? He wants nothing to do with me [update]

Photofinish

By Photofinish
in Breaks and Breaking Up

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Photofinish Established Member

Photofinish

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hello,

this may be a rather long post .

 

I have OCD and anxiety problems. This has always been spoken about between me and my Ex-boyfriend. I always worried about everything. STDs , pregnancy, etc . This is the reason we never had sex . He is a 25 year old virgin (A part time professor about to do his PHD) and I am a 22 year old virgin(Student working on my BA). We had been going for almost 6 months and I am very much in love with him. He says he loves me but I find it hard to believe.

 

Some background information about my boyfriend, We had already broken up 3 times prior and almost broken up many times. This is due to the fact that this is his first relationship and he is a very awkward/ quiet person. He also does not know how to swallow his pride. I am always the one fixing our relationships and going to him after a break up to fix it. He has done things like contact my sister to tell her I was depressed and my friend after breakups. I feel like he does this so I can go back to him. When times are good he is an amazing boyfriend and my best friend. We laugh together like we have known each other forever. He is my first love but not my first relationship. I am both to him if he does love me He always tends to my worries and always makes me feel safe....until now.

 

I recently took a vacation to Dominican Republic and it turned out to be the worse thing ever. You may read about it here. If not to sum it up, My father passed away while I was there, I got into two fights with my ex and many other small issues.

 

You may read about that here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/484448-july-2014-worse-month-my-life

 

I decided to come home early because I couldn't take it .I wanted to come home to my boyfriend and friends because they make me feel better but what I have come home to is a living hell.

 

We had two fights in Dominican republic

 

1. He always corrects me. I got angry and told him off . Yes I do have outbrust of rage and I have accepted that. I've been trying to and been getting better at stopping them. I said nothing extreme or towards him. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry im not as smart as you. Youre a professor . you know alot more then me, etc etc" . We stopped talking for 3 days. I had a traumatic experience on the beach and texted him because I was scared. He brought up the fight and I became upset. I chased him once more and we fixed it. After all it was my falut but he clung on

 

2. Him and my friend are planning a surprise birthday party for me . I knew about it but they spoke in secret . I am planning to move in with said friend. I dont want issues with her. She invited him to a BBQ. I didnt like the idea of them alone. I didnt want drama and lose both of them. She is my childhood friend. He could hang out with any other girl and I wouldnt care. I asked him not to go and things blew up. He got upset and I almost broke up with him. He thought it was a break up and even told my friend we broke up cuz of the BBQ. I was upset. Again I had to fix it. The next day he called and apologized for acting the way he did and that I was right. His friends had sided with me and I guess he realized he was wrong. I still felt weird about it because I had to fix things. I had lost trust in him and felt like really breaking up until my father passed. As they took him to the hospital I called my ex because I was scared and spoke to him until my parents came back. He stood up with me that whole night.

 

 

Fast forward a few days and he picks me up at the airport . I spend the night at his house. Previously I had told him I wanted to have sex maybe . I just felt like life was too short and I wanted to do it with him. It was based on impulse. I got the discharge and said no . He had said it was okay if I changed my mind . Im not too sure. The next day he drops me off at my friends house and we go to home depo. We all joke about me being "thirsty" because it's an inside joke and we were looking at hoses. I go up to him and say "_____, will you quence my thirst?" and laugh. He looks away and says"you wont let me" . That sorta hurt but whatever. Him and my friend were whispering and laughing and he was following her. I got upset and stopped talking to him . It was awkward going back. He sat in the couch and said he had to leave . I said okay and he left .The next morning I texted him saying I was hurting, feeling weird and things looked different "down there" because of the doctor. She had put in a spoon like object to take a sample from my vagina (I ended up having nothing). He comfort me but suddenly said "I'm with my family . TTYL" I was alittle upset because he hadnt done this before . He texted me that night after I got home and found bed bugs. I was upset and he gave me advice. I then got upset and said "It's easy for you to sit back over there and say it's going to be okay". I was upset he wasnt with me the whole day. I wanted to be with him.I havent seen him in almost two weeks and needed his support. He responded "Oh I see...." . I got upset said told him that he shouldnt ignore me and such. He ignored that message saying he didnt want to aruge or fight with me. The next morning I call him in tears. I was having an episode. I was home alone and in a panic . I told him I wanted to break up because he kept hurting me and ignoring me and I couldnt take it anymore. I told him I came back home early to be with him and my friends because I was scared . He responded "What do you want me to do?" I cried. He says " I was with family" . I sobbed . Everything hit me at once. I dropped the phone and cried . I thought I had put it off. He stood on the line for a while and hung up. I messaged my friend whom I havent spoken to in a while because he had a huge fight and things werent good between us. She dropped everything and hopped on the next train for a 2 hr ride to see me . I called my other friend sobbing asking him to come after work. He left work early against my wishes and they both came to comfort me. My ex didnt come. I was sorta hoping he would but didnt . He just... didnt. The next day I texted him and it goes like this.

 

"Can you please not leave me alone? I'm scared of being physically alone"

Him:"What's wrong?"

Me: "I cant sleep I am very anxious and scared."

Him: You cant sleep?"

Me: "Will you stay my friend? I need your support right now"

Him"What kind of support do you need from an ex?"

Me:" It hurts when you talk like that. Like we have no history. I need your support right now"

Him: "It's too early. Can you text me later?

Me: No I am not a neucences

Him: I'm trying to sleep"

Me: *long message here saying I will never contact him again. I ended it with I love you . (He ignored it)

 

That was the last time I spoke to him. I cried and cried and called friends I wanted him here with me . I am grieving and the break up was killing me. I couldnt sleep at night. Iwould wake up with my face and arm numb thinking I was going to die. All I think about is my mom. I cant die now. She just lost her husband. I cant eat either and lay in bed all day. I want him with me so badly. I cant stop thinking of him. I am pratically home alone but have different friends come over everyday.

 

Last night I asked a friend for a favor. I told her to tell him I refused to tell her what happened and to make him tell her. I was there. He refuseed to tell her because I hadnt told her. He says he isnt going to my birthday party any more or making my pinata. He says he not longer has a reason to go .

He says the following lines to her as she responds (this is all him)

 

"___is grieving and anxious so she's making rash decisions right now."

 

"I don't really know what to say. She's in denial for some reason. I don't know what she's doing."

 

"There was a reason she was making those weird facebook posts the other day. She blocked or unfriended me and made believe she deleted her FB account"

 

"We just haven't had a friendly talk since that day we went to home depot. She gave me the cold shoulder since we were at Target and I left early from your place because of that."

 

She tells him that she needs all of us right now and he responds with

 

"You're right, but I can't help her anymore. She still posts links to her FB profile even though she says it's unused." (I am deleting my profile. I cannot do it right now as it is the only way to contact my mother)

 

She says "you cant help her? why not?"

 

He said "I just cant sorry. "

 

------

 

He said he wasnt going to my dads memorial event on Saturday either . I just I have to go through that one alone as well. She tells him im not staying with her but alone in my apartment . He says" I hope she will be okay" .

 

He has abandon me. I overwhelmed him and now he is gone. She tried to convince him to come to my birthday party. I want him there so bad. I want to see him to badly but I cant keep crawling back. I lost my father. He should be here with me helping me through this. He has never treated me like this before. What happened? Is he tired of me? What should I do? The breakup on top of the passing has made me physically sick and I'm loosing my mind. What should I do...

Edited by Photofinish
Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted

OP, I'm sorry if I come off harsh but you sound incredibly needy and insecure. In a way I can understand your boyfriend feeling overwhelmed and burdened by your behavior.

 

He's doing the right thing. He is not responsible in making you feel better about the situation. It is something you need to learn how to cope with on your own. If you have abandonment and anxiety issues, you need to seek counselling and allow for that to help you deal with it. If you are ingrained to behave this way, you will never be able to thrive in a relationship.

 

He is your ex. You cannot get support and comfort from what hurts you. It's unfair to him as well to be your crutch because you can't deal with your issues.

 

Lean on your friends and family for help. Grieve through this. Try to find a therapist that can help up manage your issues. Delete his number and block him. Stop using your friends to get to him. It's time to let go and face your demons on your own.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Photofinish Established Member

Photofinish

Posted
  • Author
Posted
OP, I'm sorry if I come off harsh but you sound incredibly needy and insecure. In a way I can understand your boyfriend feeling overwhelmed and burdened by your behavior.

 

He's doing the right thing. He is not responsible in making you feel better about the situation. It is something you need to learn how to cope with on your own. If you have abandonment and anxiety issues, you need to seek counselling and allow for that to help you deal with it. If you are ingrained to behave this way, you will never be able to thrive in a relationship.

 

He is your ex. You cannot get support and comfort from what hurts you. It's unfair to him as well to be your crutch because you can't deal with your issues.

 

Lean on your friends and family for help. Grieve through this. Try to find a therapist that can help up manage your issues. Delete his number and block him. Stop using your friends to get to him. It's time to let go and face your demons on your own.

 

I believe you are right. Should I at least try and save the relationship?

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted
I believe you are right. Should I at least try and save the relationship?

 

No, you should remove him from your contacts and try to move on from this. In order to have an adult relationship, you have to have two people that are emotionally and mentally mature and healthy to manage it.

 

You can't do that if you cannot be emotionally and mentally independent. Even if you fought for this, you're going to repeat the same patterns again and self-sabotage.

 

I don't believe he wants to be invested in it anymore.

HeartbrokenNewbie Established Member

HeartbrokenNewbie

Posted
Posted

I don't mean this to sound harsh either & yes it's probably your OCD but my gosh is this translating as needy, insecure & drama queen (apologise for losing your father that must have been terrible for you) but you sound like a crack pot "I got the discharge" wtf is that about? Why have u withheld sex for someone you love it's really no wonder he has had enough I really don't mean to sound harsh but you need to get some help for yourself & stop expecting him to fix u x

  • Like 1
  • Author
Photofinish Established Member

Photofinish

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I don't mean this to sound harsh either & yes it's probably your OCD but my gosh is this translating as needy, insecure & drama queen (apologise for losing your father that must have been terrible for you) but you sound like a crack pot "I got the discharge" wtf is that about? Why have u withheld sex for someone you love it's really no wonder he has had enough I really don't mean to sound harsh but you need to get some help for yourself & stop expecting him to fix u x

 

Read my other post about the "discharge". I dont think it was healthy to have sex.

 

I will try and save the relationship. Youre all right .

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted
I will try and save the relationship. Youre all right .

 

No, save yourself first and work on your issues. There is no point trying to save your relationship when you're just going to sabotage it because you don't know how to manage yourself.

 

Stop contacting your ex. He has been clear about his decision. The more you pressure him with contact, the more you push him away. If he wants to save this, he'll make it known.

  • Author
Photofinish Established Member

Photofinish

Posted
  • Author
Posted
No, save yourself first and work on your issues. There is no point trying to save your relationship when you're just going to sabotage it because you don't know how to manage yourself.

 

Stop contacting your ex. He has been clear about his decision. The more you pressure him with contact, the more you push him away. If he wants to save this, he'll make it known.

 

He is ignoring me. It's natural I guess. I destroyed the relationship and I only have myself to blame...

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted (edited)
He is ignoring me. It's natural I guess. I destroyed the relationship and I only have myself to blame...

 

The thing is with abandonment and anxiety issues, you tend to emotionally manipulate when you want what you want. You emotionally provoke to get the reaction you need that makes you feel secure and stable. That is why you make impulsive decisions and you emotionally react.

 

It's tiring. I can understand why he feels the way he feels. This is a big motivator for you to look into your issues. Him coming back to you doesn't change a thing other than potentially causing you more hurt in the future as you repeat those patterns.

Edited by Zahara
  • Like 1
  • Author
Photofinish Established Member

Photofinish

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I guess I will never see him again. I messed up.

redbaron005 Established Member

redbaron005

Posted
Posted
She tells him that she needs all of us right now and he responds with

 

"You're right, but I can't help her anymore......"

 

She says "you cant help her? why not?"

 

He said "I just cant sorry. "

 

Hey Photofinish. It looks like your ex has reached his breaking point. He can't help you because you need to learn to help yourself first. Therapy, trust me it helps.

 

Also, my deepest sympathies for your family's loss.

mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

Posted
Posted

You need to learn to love yourself. Right now, it doesn't sound like you do. From what you describe, he's done with you. Once made, it is very difficult to erase the kind of impression you seem to have made with him.

  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author
Photofinish Established Member

Photofinish

Posted
  • Author
Posted

So I tried to fix a broken relationship, finally my friends and everyone got through to me and I laid it down like it was. Ex and me realized that the relation ship was too broken to fix or as he said "toxic". I tried countless amounts to save the relationship but he just didnt want to be in it anymore.

 

He called me to break up . As we said our final good byes he finishes with ,

 

"I love you. Goodbye"

I'm like: "Wait what? Why would you say that? "

Him: "I don't know . It will be the last time I say it " (He then begins to cry)

Me: Will you regret this?

Him: Maybe...but that's life"

 

That was just weird. He then signs up for an online dating site like...Right after we broke up the time prior (About a week ago)... What the heck -_-

 

I'm in the "acceptance" stage but i'm still hurting like freaking hell. I want to get back into dating but I'm scared I will never have what I lost. I dont even know how I will meet men whom will meet my common interest. ugh everything is so blurry right now. I cant wait to wake up someday and just say "I dont care". He is blocked on my FB and all pictures are gone. I have to move on but how will I move on to something better? Is it possible? (Sorry for the mini rant)

FortunateSon Established Member

FortunateSon

Posted
Posted

Men are problem solvers, he probably joined the dating site to fill a void, it's not a reflection of you or your relationship with him. It is definitely possible to move on, take some time for yourself to heal and process your break up. Dating causally can be a good thing as long as you make your expectations known from the get go. Anymore contact with your ex will delay your healing, go no contact and start moving forward.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Photofinish Established Member

Photofinish

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Men are problem solvers, he probably joined the dating site to fill a void, it's not a reflection of you or your relationship with him. It is definitely possible to move on, take some time for yourself to heal and process your break up. Dating causally can be a good thing as long as you make your expectations known from the get go. Anymore contact with your ex will delay your healing, go no contact and start moving forward.

 

I'm just worried that I will never find another relationship like the one I had. I feel like I lost something so valuable. I feel terrible today. Still cant get into the habit of eating and dont want to leave home. Where the heck am I suppose to meet men that are my type?

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted
I'm just worried that I will never find another relationship like the one I had. I feel like I lost something so valuable. I feel terrible today. Still cant get into the habit of eating and dont want to leave home. Where the heck am I suppose to meet men that are my type?

 

I think you shouldn't be focusing on what the future will bring in terms of potential men/dating.

 

If there's one thing you should be focusing on is your mental health. If you don't take care of that by investing long term focus on getting well, men and dating is just a futile effort because you'll keep repeating your patterns.

  • Author
Photofinish Established Member

Photofinish

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I think you shouldn't be focusing on what the future will bring in terms of potential men/dating.

 

If there's one thing you should be focusing on is your mental health. If you don't take care of that by investing long term focus on getting well, men and dating is just a futile effort because you'll keep repeating your patterns.

 

I am taking care of my mental health more then ever.

 

I am going to therapy and I am going to the gym more then 3 times a day. I dont feel there is that much wrong with my mental health.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted (edited)
I am taking care of my mental health more then ever.

 

I am going to therapy and I am going to the gym more then 3 times a day. I dont feel there is that much wrong with my mental health.

 

Then that's great. You should focus and invest as much time as you can on working on yourself and leave thoughts of relationships and men aside for awhile.

 

You stated you suffer from OCD, anxiety and abandonment issues. Your posts suggest you are suffering from low self-esteem. You've had bouts of depression with the constant break-ups that you recently had and how you handled that last ending is telling. These aren't things that get managed with a few visits to a therapist and visiting the gym. It's going to take time for you to learn how to manage those ingrained patterns.

Edited by Zahara
  • Author
Photofinish Established Member

Photofinish

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Then that's great. You should focus and invest as much time as you can on working on yourself.

 

You stated you suffer from OCD, anxiety and abandonment issues. Your posts suggest you are suffering from low self-esteem. You've had bouts of depression with the constant break-ups that you recently had and how you handled that last ending is telling. These aren't things that get managed with a few visits to a therapist and visiting the gym. It's going to take time for you to learn how to manage those ingrained patterns.

 

I have OCD. I over worry about things. Thats it. I never said I had abandonment issues. Come to think of it, I never did. I had one weak moment in my life and lost it. This break up is not completely my fault. My ex never met me half way emotionally whenever we had a problem and even stuggested breakup the second time we broke up. I am not crazy or overly attached to people, in fact its the opposite. This being my first love, I may have lost focus in that and did some stupid things fueled by the tramatic event I had this month. My ex also tried to manipulate me the last time I saw him. It wasnt all my fault.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted (edited)
I have OCD. I over worry about things. Thats it. I never said I had abandonment issues. Come to think of it, I never did. I had one weak moment in my life and lost it. This break up is not completely my fault. My ex never met me half way emotionally whenever we had a problem and even stuggested breakup the second time we broke up. I am not crazy or overly attached to people, in fact its the opposite. This being my first love, I may have lost focus in that and did some stupid things fueled by the tramatic event I had this month. My ex also tried to manipulate me the last time I saw him. It wasnt all my fault.

 

You didn't say you have abandonment issues but I noted it in your past thread as to how you both were in the relationship -- breaking up numerous times and getting back together, emotional manipulation to provoke a needed response, always running to him and being the first one to try and fix it after a break-up, the level of clingy and neediness -- and that goes hand in hand with suffering from anxiety, as you said you struggle with that as well. It wasn't just that one ending. I am sure with the many endings you had, it was as toxic and volatile.

 

No one is saying you are to blame for what happened. Don't be defensive about it. It's advice to help you prioritize what's important NOW. What is being said to you is that you should acknowledge the issues that you have been facing and focus on that. You should not burden yourself over things that clearly aren't going to help you get to a better place at this time.

Edited by Zahara
  • Author
Photofinish Established Member

Photofinish

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You didn't say you have abandonment issues but I noted it in your past thread as to how you both were in the relationship -- breaking up numerous times and getting back together, emotional manipulation to provoke a needed response, always running to him and being the first one to try and fix it after a break-up -- and that goes hand in hand with suffering from anxiety, as you said you struggle with that as well. It wasn't just that one ending. I am sure with the many endings you had, it was as toxic and volatile.

 

No one is saying you are to blame for what happened. What is being said to you is that you should acknowledge the issues that you have been facing and focus on that. You should not burden yourself over things that clearly aren't going to help you get to a better place at this time.

 

I disagree.

Ive been in three relationships. All ended pretty okay minus this one. I cant blame all of this on myself. He never fought against a breakup. He suggested them at times, there were times I gave up on the "chase" and he would come back. There is so much more then whats black and white and I dont like being told I have an abandonment issue. Im stuggling with the acceptance of this. It is really so bad to try and work out a relationship? The second breakup was a mutal thing. As was our final one. He emotionally minipulated me as well to break up with me, saying he wanted to break up BC I wouldnt have sex with hin when in the past he never pressured me. He later admitted he did it because he wanted to breakup although he got back together with me right after that scene. I decided enough was enough and we broke it off. I guess he figured online dating is a better choice then me.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted (edited)
I cant blame all of this on myself.

 

I never mentioned anything about blame. You seem to keep defensively harping on that. All I said was to focus on your mental health and to stay away from thoughts of men and relationships. When I say mental health, I don't mean to say you are "crazy" if that is why you are getting defensive.

 

He never fought against a breakup. He suggested them at times, there were times I gave up on the "chase" and he would come back.

 

"I am always the one fixing our relationships and going to him after a break up to fix it." I only quoted what you said.

 

There is so much more then whats black and white and I dont like being told I have an abandonment issue.

 

I note it because I have suffered from it and can see the signs. There is nothing wrong with identifying and being open minded about it. I'm sorry if what I said made you feel attacked, it wasn't intended that way.

 

Im stuggling with the acceptance of this. It is really so bad to try and work out a relationship? The second breakup was a mutal thing. As was our final one. He emotionally minipulated me as well to break up with me, saying he wanted to break up BC I wouldnt have sex with hin when in the past he never pressured me. He later admitted he did it because he wanted to breakup although he got back together with me right after that scene. I decided enough was enough and we broke it off. I guess he figured online dating is a better choice then me.

 

"We had already broken up 3 times prior and almost broken up many times."

 

Again, I am going by what you said and this states that this has been a rollercoaster that went on too long.

 

Good luck with your journey. Take care of yourself.

Edited by Zahara
  • Like 1
hoping2heal Established Member

hoping2heal

Posted
Posted
I'm just worried that I will never find another relationship like the one I had. I feel like I lost something so valuable. I feel terrible today. Still cant get into the habit of eating and dont want to leave home. Where the heck am I suppose to meet men that are my type?

 

What was so good about it? I honestly had trouble finding something positive after reading your posts. You're not a bad person, but you do need some help with your issues or you are simply put - going to burn out every future guy until he has to get out and then you will be back to square one and feeling abandoned.

 

You are trying to use men to soothe your mental/emotional wounds and the men are getting worn out in the process.

 

I don't doubt the OCD and your Dad passing (deeply sorry to hear of this, my condolences) exacerbated your tendency to try and fill the void with another person but you're going to run out of road (and willing men) at some point if you don't get a handle on this now.

 

I think your ex didn't want to offer support not to be mean - but he was probably afraid it would worsen your mental state and give you false hope. He didn't want to lead you on and he's too exhausted to stay in this cycle with you.

 

Please, get yourself some help for what is going on so that you will be able to enjoy a healthy and loving relationship in the future.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...