waterwoman Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 2 years later, and we have managed to avoid each other more or less successfully. This lunchtime she was coming into a shop just as I was going out. She caught me eye for a moment and then I just walked out to my car, heart pounding. I had just opened my car door to get in when I realised she was following me. She just said 'K, I just wanted to say sorry. I know you must have hated me... and I'm really sorry.' I stood their gaping like a stranded fish and just about managed to squeak 'I never hated you...' before she walked away. I've only just stopped shaking. Wish I could have been more accepting of her apology but I was too shocked. Do I mention it to H? 1
jackslife Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Yes you should. If you are trying to reconcile and be honest with each other then by not telling him you are sending him a negative message. "you bumped into OW 6 weeks ago and didn't tell me? Why not?" Just tell him but don't make a big deal of it. As for her apology, well at least she's made one. You don't have to accept it, but I'm sure I read somewhere that people who forgive and move on are happier than those who don't and get bitter about things instead. 5
Snowflower Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Yep, an unexpected situation like that would have caught me off guard too. It was probably nice that she apologized and there was probably no harm in it, right? I would definitely tell your H and how you felt afterward, being all shaky. I would be that way too! Just let him know what happened and how you're feeling about it. Then, keep moving forward! 4
Author waterwoman Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 Oh lordy, she was 'forgiven' ages ago FWIW. I realised that she was an irrelevance and the work to be done was ours and ours alone. I just wanted to say 'thanks' really because it was a brave thing to do. Yes I will tell H. It's a really positive thing after all. Second good thing today - my 15yr old DD has been doing work experience in a vets and her headteacher was called by the vets and told she was the best WE pupil they have EVER had and they wish they could offer her a job now!! Actually much more excited about that 3
Journee Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 WW, I have either spoken to or met all of the OW (the one's I found out about anyway) that my STBxH had. As shook up as I was from those encounters, especially when I was pregnant, bumping into the latest one at the park with our children was by far the most uncomfortablertable. I remember the feeling it gave me. I told my H immediately. Not because I was much interested in a healthy R but because I wanted him to realize the lasting effects of his choices. You seem to be in a much better place as a person and woman reconciling than I could or would ever be. I think you should talk to your H about it. You can work through all of the emotions that you may be feeling together. How are you feeling now? 1
BetrayedH Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 You could always drop her a line and express some 'thanks' for her gesture. I'm sure that was tough for her to do. Personally, I like to give some positive reinforcement when someone has done the right thing, even when it's followed something awful. Of course, it could unexpectedly open up communication that you'd prefer to keep closed but my gut says you can handle whatever comes your way. Glad to hear good news about your DD as well. 4
redtail Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 FWIW, she may have been just as scared as you, that must have been a big deal for her. Typically an AP doesn't have a face to go with the person they're hurting, so sometimes when they see the person (BS), empathy kicks in, for those with the capacity. But, having said that, I also see this as a "soul cleansing" for herself, so she may have needed to do this to make herself feel better. In that perspective, I'd just file that experience away and concentrate on your relationship. I never received an apology from the OM when my ex wife had an affair, never expected one either. It was years later when my ex wife contacted me to apologize, and that was definitely just a soul cleanse for her. 2
Serifina Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 You are lucky that you don't have to see the other woman all the time. I have to see the woman my husband cheated with every time there is a family function, because now she is married to his cousin. Two years this affair happened and every time I see her I still want to scratch her eyes out. You were very calm and composed about it... Kudos.. I don't think I could ever accept an apology to the OW. I would feel better just scratching her eyes out. 3
Davey L Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Don't know if this is relevant, or if it helps, but I met the OM about 5 years after the affair. We spoke briefly, we shook hands, and parted. Kind of like, what's done, is done, we're OK, but we're not friends. No apology, and I didn't expect one. My view was that he didn't have all that much to apologise for, really. It wasn't him that had betrayed me because it wasn't him I'd placed any trust in. I might well have done the same as him in his position, in fact. 2
Author waterwoman Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 I told him, he looked a bit surprised but hugged me very tight and said he loved me. I feel blessed. 4
notserene Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 Something like that would freak me out too. I don't expect that I will ever get an apology from the OW my H had his affair with. She sees herself as a pure victim and blames everyone but herself...including me for just being around. Rationality isn't her strong suit. I am glad you and your family are doing well.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 I think that looking from both sides, that's difficult. From my perspective (as both a FMOW and a BS) i find that to be refreshing. I did sit down and talk with Xmom's BS at her request. On the flip side, xmom never did face my husband and he considered my husband one of his "best friends". I have run into my husbands xmow once - it was a surprise and cordial but no apology. Her husband does not know. My husband has said in the past that he was sad that xmom never had the guts to face him and apologize to him. I think in some ways it could be a way to move forward. Sounds like everything was handled well!
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