ixi Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 (edited) I've been with my bf for 2 years now and every time he's mad about something, his solution is to ignore me for days on end. During this silence, I'll reach out and and hear nothing from him until he's over it and then he likes act he wasn't pissed and that everything is ok. I've put up with this behavior up until now but this latest silence is so frustrating to me. I'm not sure how to best deal with someone when they're purposely ignoring you. He's not even mad over something big. He's mad over some thing small and insignificant. he slept over a few days ago and he wanted to have sex but I was too tired and didn't want to. He kept trying and I kept saying no until I finally yelled at him to leave me alone. He got mad about that, left abruptly and I haven't hear anything from him. Maybe it's just me, but I don't feel like this is a situation where the silent treatment is needed. But all of our arguments are over something small. What's the best thing for me to do? I just feel like deserve better then someone who will ignore me over small things. How's he going to react when something big comes up? It's just frustrating for me. I'm afraid that if I don't reach out again, I'll just never hear from him again. Part of me wants to work things out with him, another part wants to end things right now. I don't want to deal with being ignored you know? It gets old Advice please Edited July 11, 2014 by ixi
Treasa Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 I'm afraid that if I don't reach out again, I'll just never hear from him again. Part of me wants to work things out with him, another part wants to end things right now. I don't want to deal with being ignored you know? It gets old Advice please If he you never hear from him again, that's all you really need to know about him. No one who actually loves you would do that. Even when I get incredibly mad at Keith, it's never more than a few hours of not talking to him at the very most, and that's usually just so we can both cool off and do our own thing. In the same HOUSE, even, so it's not like we can really ignore each other. If you still really want to be with your boyfriend, let HIM come back, and if he does, calmly but firmly tell him that if he pulls a disappearing act again, he can STAY gone. Don't put up with this BS. 2
anna121 Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 I've been with my bf for 2 years now and every time he's mad about something, his solution is to ignore me for days on end. During this silence, I'll reach out and and hear nothing from him until he's over it and then he likes act he wasn't pissed and that everything is ok. I've put up with this behavior up until now but this latest silence is so frustrating to me. I'm not sure how to best deal with someone when they're purposely ignoring you. He's not even mad over something big. He's mad over some thing small and insignificant. he slept over a few days ago and he wanted to have sex but I was too tired and didn't want to. He kept trying and I kept saying no until I finally yelled at him to leave me alone. He got mad about that, left abruptly and I haven't hear anything from him. Maybe it's just me, but I don't feel like this is a situation where the silent treatment is needed. But all of our arguments are over something small. What's the best thing for me to do? I just feel like deserve better then someone who will ignore me over small things. How's he going to react when something big comes up? It's just frustrating for me. I'm afraid that if I don't reach out again, I'll just never hear from him again. Part of me wants to work things out with him, another part wants to end things right now. I don't want to deal with being ignored you know? It gets old Advice please It would be a deal breaker for me if a guy did that. The silent treatment is unbelievably immature. It would be a far more serious deal breaker if my boyfriend refused to take my "no" for an answer. I don't think it's a "small thing" at all. I would tell him to f off and not contact me again. 1
Emilia Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Advice please DUMP HIM! The silent treatment is a form of control and some will even call it abuse. It is designed to punish you until you stop doing what annoys your boyfriend. In this case not giving him sex when he wanted it. It will not stop here, it will get gradually worse until you stop saying no completely to anything he wants Dump him now. 8
Under The Radar Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 DUMP HIM! The silent treatment is a form of control and some will even call it abuse. It is designed to punish you until you stop doing what annoys your boyfriend. In this case not giving him sex when he wanted it. It will not stop here, it will get gradually worse until you stop saying no completely to anything he wants Dump him now. ^^^^^THIS^^^^^ *I* consider "The Silent Treatment" a form of abuse. I've experienced it myself ...... on an extreme level ...... and it slowly erodes your sense of self and sanity. 2
iiiii Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 It's a tricky one. It's not acceptable, but perhaps he just doesn't know any better ways of expressing his anger. If this is a pattern that has been going on 2 years, it is obviously working well for him. Maybe what you need to do, when he decides to start talking to you again, is insist that you both gently and lovingly discuss the original issue and agree on a solution, before you forgive him and resume life like normal. That way, his sulking won't work for him anymore, because you're not rewarding his behavior by welcoming him back with open arms. He will realize that even if he sulks, he will still need to work out the problem like an adult before he is forgiven. 1
Emilia Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 It's a tricky one. It's not acceptable, but perhaps he just doesn't know any better ways of expressing his anger. If this is a pattern that has been going on 2 years, it is obviously working well for him. Maybe what you need to do, when he decides to start talking to you again, is insist that you both gently and lovingly discuss the original issue and agree on a solution, before you forgive him and resume life like normal. That way, his sulking won't work for him anymore, because you're not rewarding his behavior by welcoming him back with open arms. He will realize that even if he sulks, he will still need to work out the problem like an adult before he is forgiven. People don't stop controlling just because you tell them to. that's the whole point.
d0nnivain Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Two years is a pretty long relationship. It's easy for people to type Dump him but it's not that easy to do. When he comes back acting like nothing happened, which you said is his pattern, sit him down & calmly talk to him. Press him on two points: Why he wouldn't take no for an answer about sex and then why he goes all silent on you. I often back off & get quiet for an hour or two after a fight with my husband mostly because I need to regroup & get my head around things so I don't make it worse but for longer it is an immature way of (not) coping with a problem. If you can't get him to grow up & talk to you, then maybe you do need to consider your options because it's not like this pattern will lead you to a happy marriage. 1
Emilia Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Two years is a pretty long relationship. It's easy for people to type Dump him but it's not that easy to do. 'Easy' is not the point and it's gone for far too long! You can't stick around a bad relationship because it has been long! I don't think most posters here get the point: this guy punished the OP for not wanting to have sex with him. He kept pushing her and she kept saying no. He punishes her every time she does something he doesn't like. How can any of the women suggest that she should stick around?
Gaeta Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 How you handle it? You don't. The silent treatment is the summum of control behavior. It's done to punish you, torture you emotionally, and done to get your attention. Reaching out to him while he is giving you the silent treatment is the worse thing you can do. You don't ! If you try to contact him in anyway then you give him a chance to ignore you and it satisfies him. You ignore him completely. He will get back to you. The silent treatment is meant to hurt you, not to break up with you. If he broke up with you then he wouldn't have anyone else to torture, right? and you've been accepting this treatment for 2 years so he's not going to dump you! If he ignores you 5 days before getting in touch with you then ignore him 5 days. Give him a taste of his his medicine. If you really want to solve the problem though, break up with him, find yourself a real man that is emotionally secure. 3
Scrab22 Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Talk with him about it, even if it'll annoy the cr*p out of him Nothing can be solved with silence, yet nothing can be solved with a sudden breakup either. Relationships is also commitment, so talk things out with him. If he disagrees or doesn't compromise, point this out as a reason to end the relationship. If he compromises or agrees, see how things go in the future. If he makes that same mistake again, point this out as a reason to end the relationship. However, if he keeps his promise, you should be good!
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 This is classic passive aggressive behavior which is working well for him since you keep chasing after him looking to reconcile. His behavior is indeed supremely immature and two years of this? Exhausting is the only word that comes to mind. Honestly, the best advice not to mention the most mature way to handle this would be to sit down and talk things out and find a healthier way to deal with uncomfortable emotions. BUT my gut and my experience tells me that even if you could get him to agree to sit down and talk, it would make little difference. As much as I'm against game playing in relationships perhaps the next time he does his disappearing act, you DON'T go chasing him. You're just as predictable as he is which is what keeps this toxic cycle swirling. Give him his space and let him come to you. If/when he does, let him know you're done with the stupid games and if he seriously wants to continue a relationship with you, he's going to have to GROW the F*CK UP! Good luck. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 'Easy' is not the point and it's gone for far too long! You can't stick around a bad relationship because it has been long! I don't think most posters here get the point: this guy punished the OP for not wanting to have sex with him. He kept pushing her and she kept saying no. He punishes her every time she does something he doesn't like. How can any of the women suggest that she should stick around? Because I don't see where anybody has tried to fix it before. All I'm saying is yes, the relationship has problems, but before you abandon it because there must be some reason it has lasted for 2 years, take one shot at trying to improve it. If nobody has ever addressed the problem it seems to me to be a cop out to run away without even trying. Doing so sets a bad pattern for the future. Until somebody learns that relationships are hard work & learns how to communicate better running away because there is trouble guarantees there will not be fulfillment.
Zahara Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 This is passive aggressive behavior. It is deeply ingrained. It doesn't just go away by talking to him and letting him know he has to express his anger in a healthy way. One thing about passive aggressive people, even telling them they're communicating in a wrong way will send them into silence. It's a form of emotional and mental abuse. It's a covert way of punishing you and inflicting control. 1) His silence makes you doubt yourself 2) You then start to blame yourself 3) You start to pattern not speaking out against him for fear of him punishing your again. It's emotional immaturity. My ex was this way. The smallest of things and he would shut me out. Then a week or so he'd show up like nothing ever happened. In time I learned to keep my mouth shut because I was afraid of him silencing me. 3
Author ixi Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 Thank you all for your replies. You've given me a lot to think about. I never really considered the silent treatment as a way of controlling me before but thinking back on our past issues, I can see how I gradually changed to avoid some things that would cause conflicts. I feel like I keep putting up with this because when we're good, we're really good. And the good outweighed the bad in my mind.
Author ixi Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 This is passive aggressive behavior. It is deeply ingrained. It doesn't just go away by talking to him and letting him know he has to express his anger in a healthy way. One thing about passive aggressive people, even telling them they're communicating in a wrong way will send them into silence. It's a form of emotional and mental abuse. It's a covert way of punishing you and inflicting control. 1) His silence makes you doubt yourself 2) You then start to blame yourself 3) You start to pattern not speaking out against him for fear of him punishing your again. It's emotional immaturity. My ex was this way. The smallest of things and he would shut me out. Then a week or so he'd show up like nothing ever happened. In time I learned to keep my mouth shut because I was afraid of him silencing me. Yes! That's exactly how I feel. I do feel like it was my fault and I should have handled the situation in a different way.
Zahara Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 Yes! That's exactly how I feel. I do feel like it was my fault and I should have handled the situation in a different way. It doesn't change, ixi. I remember when he'd come back after a week or so of silence. I'd try to sit down with him and talk to him about how "WE" (I didn't want to make him feel attacked if I said YOU, as that would set him off as well) should communicate better. If he disagreed about something, was upset over something, etc. that he should just let me know his thoughts and we can always work and talk it out. I used to repeat over and over again, silence only worsens the problem. Towards the end, we had a tiff and he went silent. He was gone for nearly 3 weeks. At that point I was done. It had gotten old. And that was it. But he resumed contact like nothing ever happened. It's really hurts your self-esteem. I started becoming like a mouse. Afraid to express myself if I felt I didn't like something or wasn't pleased with something he did. It's ingrained behavior. Talking alone won't help. Therapy could help him reverse how he behaves but that is only if he realizes he has an issue.
Author ixi Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 I've been thinking about this all day and I decided to break up with him. You guys are right. I deserve someone better, someone who isn't going to shut me out every time I do something he doesn't like or overreact to situations. I can't handle the silent treatments and I don't have to anymore. I'm just....done. He's not worth it. I've deleted his number so I won't be tempted to get in touch. Thank you all for your advice! I really appreciate it 3
spiderowl Posted July 11, 2014 Posted July 11, 2014 (edited) You don't like the silent treatment and I don't think many people would. As long as you put up with it, and even reach out when he does this, he'll think it's OK for him to act like that. As long as you are not refusing sex all the time, I can't see why he should have taken offence when you were clearly tired that time. It seems to me that if he stays away for a long time after each incident where he was upset, then that's because: a) he remains angry and upset for a long time so doesn't have much control over his moods; or b) he's trying to punish you with silences rather than just get his mood under control. Either way, it's not good. People don't change that easily. If you don't like this behaviour, maybe you should get out. Does it feel like a punishment? Why would you allow your supposedly loving partner to punish you on a regular basis? Oh sorry, just spotted your most recent post. Great stuff, I hope you find the partner you truly deserve not someone cold like this guy. Edited July 11, 2014 by spiderowl
Author ixi Posted July 11, 2014 Author Posted July 11, 2014 Either way, it's not good. People don't change that easily. If you don't like this behaviour, maybe you should get out. Does it feel like a punishment? Why would you allow your supposedly loving partner to punish you on a regular basis? It took me a really long time to finally realize that he's not good for me, but I get it now. What kept me around was that our good days were really good and I wanted more of them but I just can't deal with it anymore. I'm tired and sad and need better
spiderowl Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 I think this is why some guys get away with being abusive - they offer a mixture of the good and the bad (push/pull). These kind of relationships can be very addictive because you are always trying to avoid the bad and seeking the good just to feel good again. Normality slips out of the window. You deserve someone reliable who doesn't disappear off and leave you feeling anxious. It's not necessary for a guy to do that.
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